Fifty Grades of Steele
by DC Nixon
Summary: Christian Grey is forced to interview the CEO of Steele International, Miss Anastasia Steele, but before it's over he wants to leave. They met up again, and again, until neither can deny their connection to one another. - *Domme Anastasia & Sub Christian* - (not a carbon copy of the books)
1. The Interview

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 1**

 _Christian's POV_

I wanted to kill Kate. She had lined up some massive interview with some hotshot CEO and right before the day arrives, she mysteriously comes down with the flu. I wasn't buying it, but that hardly changed the facts. Here I was, in the lobby of Steele International, set to interview the CEO Anastasia Steele. I wasn't sure how I made it to the top of Kate's list when I wasn't even on the school newspaper, but here I was.

In my mind, Kate should've just rescheduled the interview or gotten another journalist. Anyone but me. Surely Anastasia Steele would've understood. The building that housed Steele International was tall and intimidating, and the elevator ride to the twentieth floor had been long. I was itching to leave, but I knew Kate would be pissed if I did. I had to stick this out. I considered pulling the interview questions out of my pocket and going over them, but why would I make this any easier on myself?

In the lobby, there was dark wood everywhere, lots of open space, it felt warm. It was impressive and inviting. I approached the blonde woman at the front desk. She was hot, really hot. She stared at me and I realized I was staring too. Shit. I quickly told her why I was here.

"I'm here to see Miss Steele, I'm Christian Grey."

"Just a moment." She looked at the computer. "You're not on the schedule."

Her hand hovered over the phone as she looked me up and down. It was then that I realized I wasn't dressed right for this. I was wearing my favorite pair of blue jeans and a red flannel shirt, both of which were too worn. I had wanted to be comfortable, though, now that I was here, maybe I should've dressed up. It was too late now, unless I left. It wasn't too late. I eyed the elevator.

"I have a Katherine Kavanagh listed here," the blonde said, snapping my attention back.

"Right, yes, that's me. I'm doing the interview for her."

The blonde didn't believe me and I didn't blame her.

"Let me confirm this," she said, "please wait a moment."

I took a step back as she called Kate and got the go ahead. As I waited, another equally as stunning blonde woman arrived and it gave me pause. Two hot blonde women? I looked around the open space and spied another blonde off to the side. Three seemed like too many blondes, right? They weren't my type, but I was currently in a dry spell, so I wouldn't say no if they were interested. Maybe if I had dressed up I would have had a chance.

"Okay, Mr. Grey," the original blonde said, "it all checks out, please take a seat over there," she pointed to some black armchairs near the wall, "Miss Steele will be with you shortly."

It was probably definitely too late to leave now. This wasn't me, I didn't put myself out there. I liked solitary activities, like reading and listening to music. I avoided any and all unnecessary social obligations like the plague. Kate knew this, so why did she send me?

I was too nervous to sit down, so I walked over to the window, admiring the fantastic view of Seattle and the Sound. It was stunning. I doubted when I moved to Seattle, after I graduated, that I'd get a view as good as this. I rested my forehead against the glass and looked down at the city streets, following the cars and people, trying desperately not to think of the interview. I should've done some research or at least read over the questions. I didn't know anything about Anastasia Steele.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out. It was a text and photo from Kate.

 **Kate:** Are these the questions you were supposed to take with you?

 _-photo of familiar crinkled up piece of paper-_

"Shit," I muttered, checking my pockets. They were question-less. How could I leave the questions behind? I was beyond screwed now.

I sent Kate a message.

 **Chris:** I'm leaving, you can reschedule

That was the only option I was happy with. I shoved my phone into my pocket and made a beeline for the elevator. This was Kate's problem, not mine. Sure, I probably subconsciously left the questions behind, but still, this was Kate's thing. I pressed the down button obsessively as I looked at the blondes. They seemed confused and maybe panicked. Not my problem. I needed to leave.

"Mr. Grey," someone said, right as the elevator doors opened. Freedom was here.

I turned, I'm not sure why. My eyes met clear blue. She wasn't blonde but brunette, was that allowed?

"Have you already gotten what you came for?" she asked, face completely impassive.

I froze in fear. "Umm, no." Shit, why did I say that? "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

She answered without missing a beat. "I'm Anastasia Steele."

Fuck, this was her? But she was so young and so hot. Fuck, I was screwed.

"Are you coming?" she asked before walking away.

Am I cumming? Fuck, that went straight to my dick. If only. Coming… What did she want again? Those blondes were nothing in comparison to Miss Steele's dark hair, light blue eyes and commanding presence. Anastasia turned slightly, looking over her shoulder. She didn't stop or look at me. Hmm, yes, coming. Against better judgment, I followed her into her office.

She sat on a black leather armchair in the seating area of her massive office and I took the couch opposite her. Why was I here again?

"Miss Kavanagh," Anastasia greeted, and that jolted me back to reality.

Her joke was lame, but her thighs… I couldn't keep my eyes off them. She was dressed sharply in a gray pencil skirt, fuck-me stockings, white blouse with the top two buttons seductively undone, showing me way more than she should, black heels… Fuck, why was I here again? The interview, right.

"Miss Kavanagh's sick," I told her, "so I'm here."

"And you are?" Her eyes were intensely focused on me.

"Christian Grey, I'm studying English Lit at WSU Vancouver."

"I see." Anastasia was giving nothing away.

Now what? Questions… but I didn't have the questions. My phone wouldn't stop vibrating in my pocket, Kate was probably calling me. I went to pull it out, figuring I could just pretend I had the questions on there. My pocket was twisted, so I had to lift myself off the seat as I reached in deep to grab my phone out, and maybe I rubbed my dick a little too while I was at it, but I couldn't help it, Miss Steele was hot.

Anastasia's eyes darkened as she watched me, and fuck, that look was such a turn on. I could feel myself hardening, this wasn't good. I needed a distraction. I freed my phone. Kate had called me three times and there was an email with the subject line: Interview Questions. Okay, I had them, this was good. I opened the email and clicked on the attachment. The font was small, I squinted, trying to read them.

I had no luck, so I reluctantly pulled my black-framed glasses out of my flannel shirt pocket and slid them on. I hated wearing them, but I had no choice. Miss Steele's eyes darkened again, with lust maybe. Ha, I doubted it. Now I could actually see, I read through the first few questions and they were fucking dry. Kate was better than this. Did Miss Steele intimidate her too? Is that why she wasn't here? Fuck, I couldn't ask these shitty questions, but it's what Kate wanted.

"Time is valuable," Anastasia said, "and these past three minutes are three I'll never get back."

Fuck, right.

"Did Miss Kavanagh explain what this interview was for?" I only asked because I had absolutely no idea.

"Yes, it's to appear in the graduation issue of the student paper. I'm conferring the degrees at this year's graduation."

Shit, I didn't know that. I couldn't comprehend that someone not much older than me was going to present me with my degree. It made me feel like a failure. I'd done nothing with my life in comparison.

"Let's begin," I said, eyes focused solely on my phone. I should probably record this for Kate. I got it going before asking the first question. "You're very young to have amassed such an empire, to what do you owe your success?"

It was such a generic question and Anastasia gave me a generic answer. I didn't blame her, I was just glad these weren't my questions. I continued to ask Kate's questions and it didn't take me long to realize that Anastasia was a complete control freak. It was hot.

"You sound like a control freak." Shit, the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"I exercise control in all things, Mr. Grey." She held my gaze steadily.

My heartbeat quickened and I shifted in my seat. Control in all things? I wouldn't mind her controlling me. Why did she have this effect on me? And it was more than just her being fuck hot.

"Do you have any interests outside of work?" I asked another one of Kate's questions.

"I have varied interests, very varied."

It seemed as though she was hiding something and my mind went straight to the gutter. I shifted again, trying to get in a more comfortable position for my dick. It didn't work, I needed more room. Anastasia caught my actions and smirked at me. Shit, did she know I was turned on?

Back on task. "What do you do to chill out?"

"Chill out?" The phrase sounded foreign coming from her lips. Fuck, she was so beautiful. "Well, to chill out, as you put it… I sail, I fly, I indulge in various physical pursuits."

Now, she was the one shifting in her seat and I knew what she was talking about, Miss Steele liked to have sex. I shifted again, fuck. I looked at Kate's questions for a distraction.

"Would your friends say you're easy to get to know?" What kind of fucking question was that?

"I'm a very private person," Anastasia said, "and I go a long way to protect my privacy. I don't usually give interviews."

That was good, she wouldn't know how badly I was fucking this up.

"Why did you agree to this one then?" I asked.

"Because I couldn't get Miss Kavanagh off my back. She hounded my PR team non-stop and I admire that tenacity."

I knew how tenacious Kate could be, that's why I was currently here instead of studying for final exams. I asked the next question.

"Do you have a philosophy? If so, what is it?" Lame, fucking Kate.

"I don't have a philosophy as such," Anastasia said, "perhaps a guiding principle, Carnegie's: 'a man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled', or woman as it would be in my case. I'm very singularly driven. I like control, not only of myself, but those around me."

"So, you want to possess things?" Why did that make me feel all tingly inside? I couldn't shift again, fuck. I would be completely hard before this interview was over with.

"I want to deserve to possess them," she said, "but yes, bottom line, I do."

Deserve to possess, why did that sound so sweet coming from her lips?

Next question. "You were adopted." Fuck. "How much do you think that's shaped the way you are?" Fuck, this was personal.

Her brow furrowed. "I have no way of knowing."

That was interesting. "How old were you when you were adopted?" I asked.

Her voice hardened, "that's a matter of public record, Mr. Grey."

Shit, of course. I should know that. I quickly moved on. "Are you gay?" …Fucking Kate.

Anastasia inhaled sharply and I cringed. Why would Kate ask this? This was one instance where I should've read before speaking, but it was too late now. How could I tell her these weren't my questions? Fucking Kate.

"No, Christian, I'm not."

She called me Christian, fuck that was hot, but shit, she was pissed.

"I'm sorry, it's, ah, written here."

She cocked her head to the side. "These aren't your questions?"

"Fuck, no. Shit, sorry, umm... Kate complied them, Miss Kavanagh."

"Do you mind?" Anastasia's voice was hard.

"I'm sorry?"

"I don't like swearing."

Oh, shit, I was in trouble.

"Sorry." I had enough sense to look abashed.

"Are you and Miss Kavanagh colleagues on the paper?" Anastasia asked.

Shit, my jig was up. "No, we're roommates."

This piece of information surprised her. "Only roommates?" she asked. There seemed to be something else there, was she jealous of Kate?

"Kate's too much for me," I told her. It was the truth, I'd never be able to keep up with her.

"Did you volunteer to do this interview?" Anastasia's eyes burned into mine.

It was time to tell the truth. "No, I was forced, Kate's sick."

"That explains a great deal."

Shit, of course she could tell I was shit at this.

There was a knock at the door and one of the blondes entered. "Miss Steele, forgive me for interrupting, but your next meeting is in two minutes."

I smiled. I was almost free.

"We're not finished here, Andrea, please cancel my next meeting."

What? No. Andrea hesitated and I silently pleaded with her to save me. Andrea faltered before leaving me behind.

"Where were we?" Anastasia asked.

I wanted to say that we were done and then leave, but I couldn't do it.

"You shouldn't cancel your next meeting because of this," I said.

"It can wait. I want to know more about you."

Me? I shifted in my chair, but for a completely different reason this time. I hated talking about myself.

"There's not much to know," I said.

Could I leave? Did I need permission first?

"What are your plans after you graduate?" she asked.

"Ah, I don't know. Get an internship, but first, I need to get through final exams. I can't do anything if I don't graduate."

"I disagree," Anastasia said, "I never finished college and I have all of this." She waved her hand around.

"Yes," I said, "it's very impressive."

"Do you think so?" she asked. I nodded in agreement. "We run an excellent internship program here."

Was that a job offer?

"No, thanks." Fuck, my response was too quick. "I don't think I'd fit in," I tried to amend.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"Well, I'm not a woman for starters, or blonde." Why couldn't I shut up? I needed to leave. I stopped the recording and stood up, shoving my phone into my pocket. I was done.

"Would you like me to show you around?" Anastasia asked, joining me.

Why was she pushing this? I'd had my fill, I was ready to leave. Why wouldn't she let me?

"I think I should go."

"Did you get everything you need?" Her voice was stern, authoritative, and it had me wanting to say 'yes, mistress', but I bit my tongue. We didn't need that.

"Yes, ma'am," …At least it was better than mistress. "Thank you for the interview, Miss Steele."

"The pleasure's been all mine."

Fuck, don't say that, now I'm thinking about her pleasure, and mine. Fuck. _I'm almost free, I'm almost free_ , I repeated to myself.

She held her hand out for me to shake. "Until next time, Mr. Grey."

I grasped her hand firmly, it was the first time we had touched and there was something there, but I had no idea what.

"Miss Steele." I nodded at her.

I left her office and Anastasia followed me. Two of the blondes were watching us and they seemed surprised. I was just trying to leave. I hit the down button on the elevator.

"Did you have a jacket?" Anastasia's voice was soft.

I shook my head no.

"Oh," she stared at my flannel shirt, "well, I do like this," she reached out and touched the fabric of my shirt, "it's soft."

Anastasia smiled to herself. I wanted her to touch me, but she didn't. The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside, eager to get away. I was almost free.

Anastasia was gazing intently at me. "Christian," she said as a farewell and it sparked something inside me.

"Anastasia," I replied, and right before the doors closed, I saw the shocked look on her face, and perhaps a tint of anger. None of it mattered though, because I was free and I never had to see her again.


	2. Clayton's Hardware

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 2**

Kate was on me the moment I came through the door.

"Chris, you're back. How was it? What's she like?"

I struggled to answer her, what could I say? Could I tell her that Miss Steele turned me on like no one else ever had? No, probably not.

"I'm glad it's over," I settled on. "She was rather intense, you know."

Kate gazed innocently at me.

"Don't even start," I said. "Why didn't you reschedule the interview? Why send me and not another reporter?"

"Chris, I basically had to beg to get this interview, Miss Steele doesn't do them, so there's no way she'd reschedule."

"And what about you?" I asked. "You don't seem too sick right now. Was this all a ploy? You didn't want to interview her, did you?"

"Umm, well," Kate faltered.

"Why not?" I asked.

"I don't know," Kate wouldn't meet my gaze, "it's just a rumor I heard."

I waited patiently for Kate to continue.

"I heard she has this thing for women, but it's more than that. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but I heard she can be forceful. When she finds something she wants, she doesn't stop until she gets it. I can't get caught up in any of that, you know how I am, Chris."

"So, you sent me because…"

"Because you're not her type," Kate said.

My heart fell. I wasn't Anastasia's type, but that couldn't be right. Anastasia shifted too, she had lust in her eyes, I saw it. Maybe Kate was wrong.

"Is that why you asked if she was gay?"

Kate dropped her head. "Yes."

"Well, she's not," I informed her, "so maybe what you heard is wrong."

Kate scoffed. "You really think Anastasia Steele's going to confirm the rumors and essentially come out to a student newspaper? Think again, Chris. She was clearly lying to protect herself."

Whatever. Anastasia was attracted to me too, I saw it.

"How did it go?" Kate asked.

"Fine," I sighed "she was younger than I expected. How old is she anyway?"

"Twenty-seven."

Fuck, that was young, and now I felt even more unaccomplished.

"Did you take any notes?" Kate asked.

"I recorded it, I'll send you the file."

"Good," Kate grabbed her laptop, "I want to start putting it all together."

I sent her the recording and went to my room to study. When I came out later, Kate was totally absorbed in her task. She caught sight of me and pulled her headphones off.

"You've got some good stuff here," she told me. "I can't believe you didn't take her up on her offer. Imagine working at Steele International right out of college. That would be amazing. She sounded taken by you too, canceling that meeting and then wanting to know about you. If I didn't know any better I'd think she was interested. I'm so glad I didn't go. It's a shame we don't have some original stills, she's a beautiful woman, isn't she, Chris?"

"Sure."

"Oh, come on, Chris, if I can appreciate her beauty with everything I know about her then I'm sure you can too."

I ignored her.

"So, what did you really think about her?" Kate pressed.

Why wouldn't she let this go?

"She's very accomplished," I said vaguely. "I'm just glad it's over and I never have to lay eyes on her again." My heart panged painfully at the thought. It was a total lie, I wanted to see her again right now.

* * *

Saturday at Clayton's Hardware was a nightmare. I had been working here for four years and I only had a couple of weeks left. I was torn between trying to take everything in and snapping at stupid customers and their stupid questions. We got a lull around lunchtime and I took my first break of the day. I sat behind the registers. Stacy had called in sick, so we had no one to watch the front. Thankfully, it was a small store and it was usually dead around this time for an hour or so.

Someone entered the store and I wanted to groan. So much for my break. I looked up and found myself locked in the bold light blue gaze of Anastasia Steele. I had to do a double take. What was she doing here? It had to be to see me, right? This was too big of a coincidence otherwise. Anastasia approached me and I sat up straighter.

"Mr. Grey," she said, "what a pleasant surprise."

She definitely didn't seem shocked that I was here, she had to have planned it, but why? Maybe she was interested in me, but what about what Kate had said?

Fuck, she looked so casual with her cream knit sweater, tight blue jeans and walking boots. I had a feeling she wouldn't look bad in anything. Thankfully, I had my good black jeans on. I was wearing a flannel shirt again, but it was blue this time. My glasses were resting on my nose, I wanted to take them off, but it would be too awkward now, especially seeing as I needed them to read, but maybe…

"Miss Steele," I said, pulling my glasses off and hanging them from my shirt.

She looked disappointed in my actions, her bottom lip jutted out in an almost pout.

"How can I help you?" I asked, leaning on my elbows on the front counter.

She smiled and it was so breathtaking. I liked seeing her outside of her office, there was a small sense of relaxation. She was still tense, but not as tense. I don't know.

"There are a few items I need, Mr. Grey," she said. "To start with I'd like some cable ties."

Cable ties? Okay. I joined her on the other side of the counter and led her to the electrical aisle.

"My name is Chris," I told her, hoping she'd stop calling me Mr. Grey. "Are you in Portland on business?"

"I'm visiting the WSU farming division," Anastasia said, "I'm currently funding some research there in crop rotation and soil science."

So, she didn't come to see me? Fuck.

Anastasia looked at our selection of cable ties and I wondered what she was going to do with them. I couldn't picture her as a do-it-yourselfer. She trailed her fingers across the various packets on display and I had to look away. Why did everything she do make my dick jump? She bent down and selected a pack on the lower hook. My eyes were on her tight ass in those tight jeans, fuck. I looked away before she noticed me staring and before my dick got too hard that it started showing.

"These will do." She stood back up.

The cable ties were extra-long and thick… Fuck. Maybe I was the reason I thought everything she did and said was sexual. It had been far too long since I got laid.

"Would you like me to hold them?" I asked. It was something I always offered, but it felt different with her. I wanted to help her and not just because it was my job.

She smiled. "No, thank you, Christian."

Fuck, that smile was going to be the death of me.

"Is there anything else you need?" I asked.

Her eyes met mine and they were blazing. "I'd like some tape."

Tape and cable ties? Those were two random objects. Anastasia was rich, surely she had people to shop for her, so what was this? The only connection I could make were that both items could be used to restrain someone, fuck, maybe she was a murderer. I mean, you wouldn't send someone to buy the weapons of murder, would you? Or maybe you would. Tape. I led the way.

"Are you redecorating?" I asked, hoping she'd say yes, though if she was a murderer I doubt she would've told me.

"No, not redecorating," she said. "Have you worked here long?" Her voice was low and she was staring at me.

My dick jumped. Why did she have such a strong effect on me? I felt like I was back to being a teenager, horny all the fucking time, having no say in the matter. It didn't suck, not if Anastasia followed through, but she wasn't. She was a big tease. Maybe I could flirt back, make her squirm.

"Four years," I answered.

Instead of reaching down, I squatted, making sure my ass was pointed in her direction. I hoped she was looking. I grabbed the two sizes of tape we stocked and stood back up. Anastasia's eyes were definitely darker. That was a good start. I showed them to her.

"I'll take that one," she said, pointing to the wider one.

I passed it to her. Our fingers brushed and my dick jumped again. Fuck, not here, not now, I was working.

"Anything else?" My voice was husky.

Her eyes widened slightly. Could she tell I was turned on? Could she see how she affected me?

"Some rope, I think." Her voice was husky too, was I turning her on? Oh, how I hoped so.

Rope, yet another item that could be used to tie someone up, or to murder them. Oh, how I wanted to ask if she was a murderer, but remembering her reaction to me asking if she was gay, I bit my tongue.

"What sort are you after?" I asked, leading the way. "We have synthetic, natural filament, twine, cable cord." Maybe I should ask what she's using it for.

"I'll take five yards of the natural filament rope please."

Five yards, now, I needed my glasses. I slid them on and I heard her breath hitch. Shit, maybe I should've had them on this whole time. Too late now. I measured it out, well aware that I was being watched closely. I couldn't take it anymore, my eyes met hers and the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Are you a serial killer?" I asked. "Do you get off on this? You know, buying the items from your victims before killing them." Shit, what was I doing?

Her gaze darkened and I could see anger storming underneath. Fuck, I was in trouble. Then it softened out and she smiled.

"No, Christian, I don't get off on that."

On that… Fuck, there were so many possibilities in those two words. At least I now knew I was safe, from death at least. I focused back on the task at hand and cut the rope, winding it up and securing it in a bowline knot.

"Bowline," Anastasia said, taking the rope from me, she seemed impressed, "isn't a slip knot more standard."

"Sure," I shrugged, "but this is more secure. Plus, it separates the idiots. I get joy out of knowing some of my customers struggle to get it undone. It's the small things in life."

Anastasia was looking at me oddly, and then she pulled on the rope, unraveling the knot easily. She knew her knots, and then I watched amazed as she recoiled it and re-knotted it. It was an alpine butterfly knot. You usually used that knot in the middle of the rope, but she used it towards the end and secured it all together.

"Beautiful," I said, staring at the knot.

"How do you know your knots?" she asked. "Were you a boy scout?"

"No, my dad likes to fish. He taught me all I know. What about you?" I asked.

Anastasia tensed. I pushed my glasses up higher on my nose and her eyes flared. Then, her tension disappeared.

"I like to tie things up," she said softly.

Tie things up… Tie people up… I was no longer thinking of her as a murderer, but as some kind of sex goddess. I already knew she liked sex, and now I knew she liked to tie people up. Fuck. How did I make this happen? I wanted this, didn't I? My dick sure as hell did.

"Anything else?" I asked, my voice was so strained. Fuck.

"I don't know," she said, "what else would you recommend?"

Fuck, if that wasn't an opportunity then I didn't know what was. I needed to be bold. If she wasn't going to say anything then I needed to.

"I finish at four," I told her.

"What?"

Shit, had I fucked up?

"Four," I repeated. "We could go somewhere and you could… tie me up. I have to let you know though, I'm an expert at getting free."

Fuck, what was I doing? Anastasia's eyes widened and she got a predatory look on her face. Was Kate right? Was I playing with fire right now? Shit. I was never this bold, but I was fucking hard and I wanted Miss Steele to help me find my release. Anastasia managed to snap out of it and she shook her head no, resting her palm on my cheek.

"Oh, Christian," she said, "you poor boy, you'd never be able to keep up with me."

Fuck, she was denying me. What now?

"I think I have everything I need," Anastasia said. Fuck, I'd screwed up. "For now," she added.

Oh, shit, that sounded hopeful and it was good enough for now.

We headed to the checkout and Anastasia was back to business, completely ignoring that I'd just propositioned her. Fuck, I told her she could tie me up. Who does that? Apparently, a desperate man does.

"How's the article coming along?" she asked and I was thankful for the distraction.

"I'm not the writer, Kate is. She seems happy with it, but she did mention something about wanting some original photographs of you."

"What sort of photos does she want?"

I wasn't expecting Anastasia to be interested, so I wasn't prepared to answer. "I'm not sure."

"Well, I'm around tomorrow," she said.

"You'd be willing to do a photoshoot?" I asked. Kate would fucking die if I could pull this off, and I'd get to see Anastasia again. Fuck, I wanted that.

"I think you'd find I'm willing to do a lot of things I don't usually do when it comes to you, Christian."

What did she mean by that?

"But you won't tie me up?" I asked.

"Why bother? You said so yourself, you'd just break free and I don't want that." Fuck. "Though my knots are inescapable, so… it'd be fun to watch you try."

Shit, I was fully hard now and I didn't even try and hide it.

"My shift ends at four," I repeated, almost fucking panting.

She shook her head no, denying me. Fuck.

"Let me know about tomorrow." She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a business card. "This is my card, it has my cell on it. You'll need to call before ten in the morning."

"You know," I said, "four o'clock is before ten in the morning."

"Christian," her voice was sharp, yet somehow still soft, "let it go."

I would, but only because I got to see her for this photoshoot. Kate was going to be thrilled. I rang up the items and when I got to the rope, I couldn't hide my smile. I really wished she would tie me up with it, but then I thought of the opposite, was she going to tie someone else up with it? Shit, was she gay? Did she already have a lover? Fuck, maybe that's why she was denying me. I bet she did, she was too hot and too successful to be single.

"Would you like a bag?" I asked, feeling dejected as I took her credit card.

"Please, Christian."

I loved how her tongue caressed my name, but that wasn't the only thing I wanted her tongue to caress, fuck. It was a shame I couldn't have her. I quickly put her purchases in the bag. She needed to leave. She didn't want me, that much was clear.

"You'll call me if you want to do the photoshoot?" She was all business once more, but yet again it seemed like she had trouble leaving me.

I nodded, wanting to save myself from anymore rejection.

"Good. Until tomorrow, perhaps." Anastasia left, but paused by the door. "Oh, and, Christian," my eyes met hers, "I'm glad Miss Kavanagh couldn't do the interview."

Anastasia smiled and then she strode out the store. Fuck, I was screwed.


	3. Coffee Date

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 3**

Kate was ecstatic about the photoshoot, I knew she would be.

"But what was she doing at Clayton's?" Kate asked.

"She said was in the area."

"That's a huge coincidence, Chris. Was she there to see you?"

"No, she said she was visiting the farming division of WSU. She's funding some research or something."

"Yeah," Kate said, "she gave the department a 2.5-million-dollar grant."

2.5 million? Fuck, she was rich.

"So, do you want these photos?" I asked.

"Of course," Kate said, "but the question is, who's going to do them and where?"

"We could ask her where."

"You can contact her?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, she gave me her cell number."

"Oh, hold up," Kate said. "The richest, most elusive, most enigmatic bachelorette in Washington state just gave you her cell number?"

"Yes."

"Chris, she likes you, no doubt about it. I guess you were right, she isn't gay. Damn... You don't just give out your cell like that, not when you hardly know the person. Levi, our regular photographer, is home in Idaho Falls for the weekend," Kate was seemingly talking to herself now. "He's going to be pissed that he missed this opportunity."

"What about Jordan?" I asked. I wasn't going to let the opportunity to see Anastasia again slip through my fingers.

"Great idea, you ask her, she'll do anything for you. Then call Steele and find out where she wants us."

"I think you should call her."

"Who, Jordan?" Kate scoffed. "You're the one she's in love with."

"She's not in love with me and I was talking about Anastasia."

"Chris, you're the one she wants, you do it."

The one she wants, if only.

"Chris, just call her. I don't know what your problem is, you should be chasing after her, consequences be damned."

But I had tried and I'd been denied. Then again, there was nowhere to go but up.

I called Jordan first and it was beyond frustrating.

"But I don't do people, Chris," Jordan said, "places are my thing."

"Jord, please," I begged as I paced the living room.

"Give me the phone." Kate grabbed it from me, thank fuck. "Listen here, Jordan Rodriguez, if you want the newspaper to cover the opening of your show, you'll do this shoot for us, understand? …Good, Chris will call you back with the details."

How did Kate do that? She was so strict, asking for exactly what she wanted and getting it. It was hot, not Kate, but the energy in the air. What was going on with me? Anastasia clearly had me fucked up in the head.

"Call Steele." Kate gave my phone back.

I pulled Anastasia's card from my back pocket and dialed the number. She answered on the second ring and her voice was clipped, calm and cold.

"Steele."

"Ah, Miss Steele? It's Chris Grey." Fuck, why was I so nervous? There was a brief pause.

"Christian," she purred, "how nice to hear from you."

Fuck, she sounded so seductive and hot. Kate was watching me closely so I quickly retreated to my room.

"We'd like to go ahead for the photoshoot for the article," I said, trying to stick to the facts. I didn't want to put my foot in my mouth and ask her to tie me up again. "Tomorrow, if that's okay with you."

Her reply was huskier than I expected and I collapsed back on my bed.

"I can do tomorrow," Anastasia said. "I'm staying at the Heathman in Portland, shall we say nine-thirty in the morning?"

"Yes," I sighed. Fuck, I was screwed.

"Christian," she purred, oh no, "what are you doing right now?"

Fuck.

"N-nothing," I stumbled on my words, "just lying on my bed."

"Hmm, I see."

See what? Was she picturing me tied up? If only. I let out a small groan as I felt myself harden and I hoped Anastasia couldn't hear it. We could've been together right now if only she'd agreed.

"Christian?"

"Yes?"

"Don't touch yourself tonight," she commanded, "I'll see you tomorrow and I look forward to it." She hung up and I groaned loudly. Fuck.

"What?" Kate asked, opening my door.

"Nothing." I sighed, running my hand through my hair. "She said yes, tomorrow morning, nine-thirty at the Heathman in Portland."

"Yes, you're a miracle worker, Chris." Kate left me and I groaned again.

What the fuck was that? How could Anastasia tell I was turned on? And then she commanded me not to touch myself? Fuck that, it was my body, I could do whatever I wanted. My phone buzzed and I looked at it.

 **Anastasia:** I'm serious Christian, don't touch yourself. If you do, you'll be sorry

Fuck, now I was even harder. What was going on? Why did I find this so hot? Did she like me too? She had to, but why didn't she agree to my offer? Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough. I jumped up, ready to have a cold shower. I wasn't sure why, but I was going to follow her command.

* * *

I was completely restless, tossing and turning, grabbing my dick to satisfy myself and then letting it go before I came. Clear blue eyes invaded my brain and I didn't want to make them angry with my disobedience. I imagined Anastasia tying me up with the items she bought at Clayton's and it was a mistake as all it did was rile me up further. I didn't get much sleep and I knew it would show.

I was eager to show Anastasia that I had followed her command. I got out of bed before my alarm went off and got ready to see her. I pulled on the same jeans as yesterday, they were black and very well-fitting. I paired them with my red flannel shirt, the one Anastasia said she liked. I was hoping it would work in my favor.

We arrived at the Heathman together; Kate, Jordan, Tyler and me, and the moment Kate mentioned it was a photoshoot for Anastasia Steele, we were upgraded to a bigger room. I couldn't wait to see her. I was still slightly hard and wanting relief above all else.

I stood back, leaning against the wall, while they set everything up. I needed to calm myself down. I didn't have much luck. Half an hour later, Anastasia Steele walked into the room and her eyes immediately searched for mine. She found me away from everyone else and smirked. Could she tell I had followed her command? I hoped so. I could tell she wanted to come over to me, but Kate cornered her.

Anastasia was wearing the same outfit from when I first met her; a grey pencil skirt that rested just above her knees, a white blouse that only had the top button undone today and I was glad for that, I didn't want her showing off her body to anyone. Fuck, where did that thought come from? She wasn't mine, but I was hers. Last night proved that.

Time seemed to drag and my eyes didn't leave Anastasia. She kept looking at me periodically. The moment she got away from Kate, she walked straight over to me. Her security guy tried to follow, but she waved him off. Anastasia stopped in front of me, leaning close, making sure her breasts brushed my chest. I froze. Was this it?

"Good boy," Anastasia purred in my ear before pulling away, "there may be hope for you yet." She smiled brightly. I was still screwed.

Anastasia left and I stayed by the wall, out of the way. Jordan kept looking at me, but my eyes were solely on Anastasia. The photoshoot was boring, but I was enjoying watching Anastasia work. She was so commanding, so regal, so fucking hot. I liked admiring her from afar, but I wanted more, I needed more. I needed to cum for starters. Our eyes locked every now and then and the world stopped spinning.

The photoshoot ended and I was breathless waiting for what was going to happen next. I hoped I got to cum and at Anastasia's hand.

"Walk with me, Mr. Grey," Anastasia said.

It wasn't a question and I didn't care. Anastasia opened the door for me and I stepped out into the hallway with her. What was she going to do? I couldn't wait to find out. Her security guy followed us.

"I'll call you, Taylor." Anastasia dismissed him. That was a good sign.

Taylor, the security guy, left and Anastasia turned her burning gaze onto me. She was so fucking hot, I shifted uncomfortably. I needed relief and she fucking knew it. She smirked.

"I was wondering if you would join me for coffee this morning," Anastasia said, "you know, seeing as you were a good boy last night."

My dick hardened. Coffee? Why didn't she just invite me up to her room?

"I have to drive everyone home." Why did we only bring one car?

"Irrelevant," she said, "I'll get Taylor to drive you back when we're done."

Fuck, I did enjoy this side of her, she was so domineering.

"Give your keys to Miss Kavanagh, say goodbye, and come back here. Quickly."

I did as I was told. This was it. I silently handed Kate the keys and she looked at me for an explanation.

"I'm going for coffee with Anastasia," I told her, "she's getting her security guy to drive me back."

"Way to go, Chris," Kate hugged me, "way to take control of the situation."

I left Kate and rejoined Anastasia in the hallway.

"Let's go get coffee," she said. "After you, Mr. Grey."

I started leading the way, but an urge overtook me. I tried to push it aside, but it kept coming back stronger. I battled with it, but soon gave up. I stopped and Anastasia looked at me confused.

"Can't we go to your room?" I asked. "I really need to fucking cum."

She said nothing. Shit. I met her eyes and she was furious.

"What have I told you about swearing, Christian?"

Shit, fuck, damn. I didn't bother answering, I didn't want to fuck this up any further.

"I'm going to punish you," she said, "all of your orgasms belong to me now, don't you dare touch yourself without permission or you'll regret it."

Oh, that was full of so much promise. She could have all my orgasms, I didn't care.

"Don't look so smug," she said, "there's a reason it's called a punishment."

I dropped my head again, fuck, she was right. Last night was torture and now I had to wait for her. Why did I have a feeling she wouldn't be kind?

"Now," she said, "let's go get some coffee."

Coffee, now? This was going to be a long morning.

We exited the elevator and Anastasia surprised me by grabbing my hand in hers. I thought her touch was innocent until she started caressing my fingers and I started thinking about that same touch on my dick. Fuck, she was good at this, too good.

Anastasia led the way, never letting go of my hand. Her hand felt soft, but it was gripping mine in such an authoritative way. We walked four blocks before we reached the Portland Coffee House. She released me so she could hold the door open.

"Why don't you choose a table while I get the drinks?" she asked. "What would you like?"

"Black coffee, cream and sugar on the side, please."

"Okay, anything to eat?"

"No, thank you."

I chose a table in the far back corner, away from everyone else. If she wasn't going to touch me then I was going to try my hardest to make her. I still couldn't believe she forbid me from cumming, and apparently all my orgasms belonged to her now. Fuck, that was hot. I felt myself harden and I didn't even try to calm down.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Anastasia asked, surprising me.

She slid into the booth, sitting next to me and not across like I hoped. Oh well, the closer the better I guess.

I didn't answer and she busied herself with setting everything up. She had gotten herself a coffee and blueberry muffin.

"Your thoughts?" she prompted, harsher this time, "don't make me ask you again."

"Ah, I…" I faltered. What was I supposed to say? Did I just go with the truth? I decided I had nothing to lose. "I was just thinking about the fact that all my orgasms belong to you now."

"Hmm," she said softly, wanting me to continue. How could she do that with just one sound?

"I think… I think I like that." I grabbed my coffee and added the desired amount of cream and sugar before stirring it.

"I see," she said.

A silence overtook us for a few moments before she spoke again.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Anastasia asked.

"Who?"

"The photographer, Jordan Rodriguez."

"Oh, hell no." Shit, was hell a swear word?

Anastasia's eyes hardened and I decided I better not say it again.

"Anastasia," I said and her eyes widened in surprise at me using her first name again, "I'm not seeing anyone."

She relaxed at my confession and a small smile overtook her face. "Good."

Fuck, that was it?

I lifted my free hand off my thigh and she tensed up. What was that?

"Don't." There was a hard edge to her voice, but something more, she looked scared. Was she worried I was going to touch her? Why would that worry her?

I placed my hand back on my thigh and the look vanished. I had no time to process her actions as she slid closer to me and rested her hand on top of mine on my thigh. I sucked in a breath, this was it. She dragged my hand up my thigh ever so slowly and my breathing increased. Shit.

I kept expecting her to stop, she was a tease after all, but she didn't. My hand came to rest on my jean covered dick and she started rubbing my hand around it in small circles. I groaned, kicking out my legs and spreading them. It felt so good and she wasn't even touching me, it was all me, under her commanding hand.

My dick hardened completely and I could see the outline of it underneath my dark jeans. Anastasia moved my hand to the head and squeezed my fingers around it, hard. I hissed in pain, but it felt good too. She was smiling at me, clearly enjoying this. Fuck. She squeezed again, harder this time and I bucked my hips, trying to get more.

I was aware that all too soon it would end. Would she ever stop playing games with me? I was right, one more squeeze and a couple of rubs before she let go. I kept my hand on my lap. I didn't fondle my dick, I just kept it there, trying to catch my breath.

"You're very high-handed," I said, a little pissed. I just wanted to cum and I didn't care if it was in this coffee house, but Anastasia clearly had other ideas.

"It's the only way for me to get what I want." She sipped her coffee. How was she so calm, cool and collected after that? How often did she do this?

"Are you seeing someone?" I asked. I hoped she wasn't.

"Not currently."

Thank god. I moved my hand back to my thigh and took a gulp of my coffee.

Seeing as she was being forthcoming, I asked her another question.

"Why do you always look so shocked when I call you by your given name?"

"The only people who call me Anastasia are my family. That's the way I like it."

Oh, my heart dropped, I didn't fall into that category, what was I expected to call her?

"What name can I use?" I asked.

She looked taken aback. "I don't know," she whispered.

I had shocked her and she looked lost. I wanted to reach out and comfort her, but something warned me off, her eyes perhaps.

"My orgasms belong to you," I said, "when are you going to let me cum?"

Anastasia looked thoughtful for a moment.

"When do you think?" she asked. I wasn't expecting that.

"Well, I'd say whenever you want, but I've got exams coming up on Tuesday and I don't think I'll be able to concentrate properly until I get some kind of release."

She frowned. "There are rules, contracts." What was she talking about? "I…" This was the first time I had seen her so unhinged, "you can have them back."

"What?"

"Your orgasms," she said, "for now, but I still own them. Maybe we can try this again sometime after your exams, or graduation, I don't know."

Fuck, my face fell, I didn't want this.

"There must be another way," I said. "I'm sure this place has a bathroom, come jerk me off. I want all my orgasms to be yours, Anastasia."

There was a pause, her face was blank. Fuck, had I gone too far? Anastasia ran her fingers through my hair before grasping it tightly and pulling.

"Fuck," I hissed. Oh no.

I expected her to be angry at my slip up, but she wasn't.

"As much as I'd love that," she said, "I can't. There are procedures that need to be followed, not only to protect me, but you too."

Shit, I was losing her.

She stood up, I did too.

"Christian," she said softly, running her hand down my face, "make sure you think of me when you cum." My mouth dropped open. "Taylor's out front, he'll drive you back to campus."

Anastasia smiled sadly at me before leaving and I wondered if I'd ever get to see her again. Fuck.


	4. Drunk Rescuing

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 4**

I put my pen down. I was finished, my final exam was over. I shifted in my seat and groaned. It had been a tough week. Anastasia gave me my orgasms back, but every time I was about to cum, I stopped myself. I didn't want to let her down, I wanted my pleasure to be hers. It nearly fucked me over. I had to spend twice as long studying and I struggled to focus at every turn. I ended up putting an elastic band permanently around my wrist and I snapped that fucker every time I got distracted. The pain was actually good, it kept me focused on what was important and I was even starting to enjoy it.

As soon as I arrived back at the apartment, I was ready to try and relieve myself again, but Kate was on me.

"Chris, you got a package," she said, "open it."

I groaned, I didn't have time for this, I needed my release.

Inside the delivered box was an old record, _To Hell and Back_ by _Jimmy Johncats_ , it was in pristine condition. Shit, this must have cost a small fortune. There was a note with it, but I didn't need to read it, I was very familiar with the lyrics.

 _You rule my heart – wrapping it in barbed wire – is it there to keep me safe – or to show the world your hold on me – I wish I knew – but in the end…_

"I'll go with you, by my side, to hell and back," I murmured the lyrics Anastasia refused to finish.

"What is it?" Kate asked, looking over my shoulder. "Jimmy Johncats, who's that?"

I didn't reply, I was in shock. Anastasia was confused about me. It sounded like she wanted me, but she was struggling.

Kate grabbed the card off me. I didn't care, she wouldn't get the hidden meaning behind it. "Who gave you this?"

"Anastasia." I sighed.

If she wanted me, why hadn't she replied to my messages? Maybe she had blocked my number. I hadn't sent many, but I had sent enough to warrant a response.

"What does this mean?" Kate asked. "Why does it just end? What does she know? Chris, answer me."

"I know as much as you do." I shrugged, taking the card off her.

"Holy shit," Kate said, her phone in front of her face, "I haven't heard of this Jimmy guy before, but that record is selling for fourteen thousand dollars in New York. It's a bit much, don't you think?"

I shrugged. "She's rich."

"But what are you going to do with it? Play it?"

I laughed. "You don't play a record like this. Maybe I'll frame it or something, I don't know."

"Oh, well, get changed," Kate changed tack, "we're celebrating no more exams and our new life in Seattle. Whoo."

* * *

The bar was loud and hectic, but I welcomed it. Anything to get my mind off Anastasia was a good thing. Jordan was with us, she wouldn't graduate for another year, but she was in the mood to party and she got us into the spirit by buying a pitcher of margaritas for the table.

As I downed my fifth glass, I knew this wasn't a good idea, I knew I should pace myself, but Anastasia was far from my mind and I reveled in it.

"So, what now, Chris?" Jordan shouted over the noise.

"Kate and I are moving to Seattle."

"You're staying with Kate, why?"

"I have next to no money," I said, " and her parents bought her a condo there. She's not sick of me yet, so she asked me to move in for support, and I'm not stupid enough to say no."

"You'll be back for my show though?" Jordan asked.

"Of course, Jord, I wouldn't miss it for the world." I smiled and she put her arm around my waist, pulling me close.

"It means a lot to me that you'll be there," she whispered in my ear. "Another drink?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk, Jordan?" I laughed. "I want a beer, let me get a pitcher."

"More drink, Chris," Kate yelled.

I moved out of Jordan's hold and got up from our table. My head spun and I had to grab hold of the back of the chair to keep myself steady. Tequila-based cocktails were not a good idea.

I made my way to the bar and decided to visit the bathroom while I was at it. There was a line, but the quiet and cool of the corridor cleared my mind enough for me to think of her. I reached for my cell phone and brought up her number. Anastasia, I missed her so much. My dick hardened and I was decided, when I got to the bathroom I was going to fucking cum. I didn't care anymore.

My finger slipped and the phone dialed her number. Fuck, I should hang up. If she wasn't answering my messages then she sure as hell wouldn't take my call. Maybe this call would wake her up, it was late. I brought the phone to my ear. She answered almost immediately, fuck.

"Christian." She was surprised.

I smiled in my alcohol induced haze.

"Baby, I miss you so fucking much." Shit, fuck, damn, why did I say that? "I haven't cum in weeks." Why couldn't I shut up? "They're yours, Anastasia, all yours, but I need to fucking cum. Please, baby."

"Christian, have you been drinking?"

How could she tell? Why did she sound angry?

"I'm celebrating, exams are done, but you know this. Thanks for the record, and the words, they were… enlightening."

"Where are you?"

Shit, she was still pissed.

"At a bar."

"Which bar?"

"Some bar in Portland, Jordan chose it."

"The photographer?"

Shit, she was even angrier now, how was that possible?

"Maybe."

"Christian, I think you should leave. How are you getting home?"

"You can't tell me what to do," I slurred, "except you do, and I listen, and I don't know why."

"Which bar?"

"Why won't you let me in? I can be good for you, I know I don't have much, but I'll treat you good."

"Christian, tell me where you are, now."

Fuck, she was so commanding and hot. Could I rub one out right here, in line to the bathroom? Probably not.

"Shit," I hissed.

"Chris, so help me, where the fuck are you?"

Chris? Fuck? Anastasia didn't swear, she hated it, I needed to tell her. And she called me Chris. Shit. I panicked and accidentally ended the call. I stared at my phone for a moment, but then the line moved and my attention was drawn elsewhere.

I got into the stall and my hand went straight to my dick. I rubbed it hard and fast, desperate for my release. I got close, too close, and yet again, I stopped. Fuck, why did my orgasms belong to Anastasia? My phone rang and I knew who it was.

"Why can't I cum?" I asked. "I've tried so many times, but I can't do it. Ana, please, I need you, please."

"I'm coming to get you," she said before hanging up.

I groaned, fuck. She was pissed and she was coming here. Maybe I could get some release when I saw her.

I left the bathroom and got to the bar, waiting for my turn. I got a pitcher of beer and returned to the table.

"You've been gone so long," Kate said. "Where were you?"

"Bathroom," I answered, taking a sip of my beer. Fuck, that was a bad idea. "Kate," I called out, "I'm going to get some fresh air."

"Chris, you're such a lightweight."

"I'll be five minutes."

I made my way through the crowd again, I was starting to feel sick. My head was spinning and I was unsteady on my feet. I just needed some air.

The cool evening air in the parking lot made me realize how drunk I actually was. Why did I drink so much?

"Chris," Jordan joined me, "are you okay?"

"I think I've drunken too much," I said.

"Me too," she smiled, "do you need a hand?" She stepped closer to me and wrapped her arm around me.

"Jord, I'm okay, I've got this." I pulled away from her.

"Chris, please," she stepped towards me, "this is my last chance."

"Jordan, what are you doing?"

"You know I like you, Chris. Please." She leaned closer to me. Holy fuck, she was going to kiss me, I didn't want that.

"No, Jordan, stop." I held her at arm's length.

"Please, Chris. I know you want this too. Give in to me."

Jordan tried to get closer to me, but I held her back.

"I'm sorry, Jordan, but I don't want this. I don't like you in that way."

"The hell you don't," Jordan said, "I see the way you look at me."

"I think he said no," a voice boomed from behind us. Holy shit, it was Anastasia, she was here. Jordan finally gave up.

"Who the fuck are you?" Jordan said and I smiled. Not only was she swearing in front of Anastasia, but she didn't remember her. I was going to enjoy this.

I waited for Anastasia to go off on Jordan, but she didn't. She was just standing there, glaring at Jordan, clearly angry, but also oddly calm.

My stomach heaved, so I staggered towards a nearby hedge and vomited into it.

"Oh, hell no," Jordan exclaimed, leaving us. Of course.

Anastasia stayed with me, but kept her distance as I threw up over and over again until there was nothing left in my stomach. I stayed bent over, vomiting was exhausting, and truthfully, I didn't want to face Anastasia. I snuck a peek at her and she was staring at me fully composed, giving absolutely nothing away. What should I say to her?

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for, Christian?"

Fuck.

"For making you come here. I just… I was frustrated. I don't usually drink this much, but I just wanted to forget, and then…" I trailed off, I didn't want to relive throwing up at all.

"You need to learn your limits," she said. "I'm all for pushing limits, but this is…" she trailed off, anger overtaking her, "irresponsible," she settled on.

I had disappointed her, my heart sunk. I felt dizzy and before I knew it, I was starting to fall. Anastasia grabbed me, helping me stand on my own two feet.

"Come on," she said, holding me away from her body, "I'll take you home."

Why was she holding me at arm's length? Did she really not like to be touched?

"I need to tell Kate."

"She'll be fine," Anastasia said. "Come on, Christian."

"How did you get here from Seattle so fast?" I asked, trying to keep myself upright and walking.

"I'm staying at the Heathman."

Oh. "How did you find me?"

"Process of elimination." Why did it sound like there was more to this than that? I was too exhausted to care.

She led me to the car and I noticed her security guy Taylor behind the wheel. Did Anastasia even drive? I sat on one side and Anastasia took the other. I looked out the window, I didn't want to see the disappointment my behavior had caused.

I felt a small tug on my ear and when I took too long to respond, Anastasia pulled harder until I fell down, my head coming to rest on her lap. I closed my eyes as she started running her hand through my hair. She was rigid, but as more time passed, she relaxed. I wanted to rest my hand on her knee, but I didn't want her to be any madder at me.

The drive was shorter than I expected and it made sense when I saw that we were at the Heathman. I reluctantly sat up, making sure I didn't touch her. My head was aching, but it wasn't spinning anymore. We walked into the hotel, hand in hand, and Anastasia led the way to her suite. Once inside, she dropped my hand and strode away with purpose. I followed meekly behind.

"Drink this," she slid a cool glass of water in front of me, "all of it."

I did as I was told. It tasted good and it was refreshing. As my mind cleared up, I began to notice things. Anastasia looked frustrated and angry. I knew she was easily set off, but what did I do? I swayed a little and took a seat on the barstool. Anastasia refilled my glass and I drank it all.

She was wearing a white blouse again, did she wear anything else? She'd look fucking hot in a nice light blue one, or even dark blue, black, any color really. She was wearing jeans again and they were so fucking tight and hot. It was paired with a pair of Converses, black. Her shirt was far too open again, why did she show off so much skin, especially when she didn't like to be touched?

"Why don't you like to be touched?" I asked and she looked at me shocked.

"W-what?" she stammered.

"I don't think you like to be touched. Is it true?"

"Why are you asking?" She looked scared.

I shrugged. "I don't want to upset you, you're so volatile as it is, just tell me the truth so I know my boundaries."

"Boundaries," Anastasia murmured, "I don't think you're good with boundaries, Christian."

I pouted, fuck that, I was so good with boundaries.

"I haven't cum," I said like a child, "I did that for you."

"I know, I can tell."

She walked around the breakfast bar and spun my chair to face her. Her hands were on my knees and she spread my legs apart so she could stand in between them. I relished in the feeling of my inner thighs against her legs, maybe she liked some touching.

"You didn't have to do that," she said, "I gave you the power back. Why did you do it?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do," she pressed, "tell me."

"I wanted to please you."

She smiled. "Try again."

Again? What more was there to this?

"I…" What did she want from me? Why hadn't I cum? I wanted to please her, but what else? … "I... I didn't want you to be disappointed in me," fuck, that was it, "but it happened anyway." I dropped my head.

"Christian," Anastasia moved her hand to my hair again, running her fingers through it. It was so peaceful, so nice, "I have so many issues," she murmured.

"So?" I looked up. "I don't care."

"You can't touch me," she said, her voice harsh as she tried to step away from me. I locked my ankles together, keeping her in place. "You can't kiss me. I have particular tastes. You have to agree to sign a NDA. There's a contract, rules, limits, probationary periods…" Anastasia trailed off.

"I want you," I said simply, "and I really need to cum."

Anastasia looked at me oddly.

"What?" I asked.

She ran her hand down my cheek, battling with herself. "You haven't sworn once tonight, usually the opposite happens when someone's drunk."

Why did that matter? She moved her hands to my cheeks and squeezed gently so my lips puckered up.

"That means you consciously swear, it's a decision you make… I can correct that behavior."

She let go and her hand found its way back to my hair. I think the action calmed her, she enjoyed it. I did too.

"You're being silent," she stated, she seemed guarded. "Did you even hear what I said?"

I took too long to answer and she looked at me sadly.

"You're too drunk for this." She was right. "Come on, let's get you to bed."

My eyes lit up at that. Release, finally.

"Not tonight, baby," she said.

Baby? My heart swelled before it fell. Shit, didn't I call her that earlier? I groaned. Why did I drink so much?

"Maybe tomorrow," she promised, "if you're a good boy, but bed first, you need to sleep this off."

She led the way and I only had one thought on my mind. Tomorrow, why did the promise of that sound so good? Anastasia was going to make me cum tomorrow. Fuck, I couldn't wait.


	5. Heathman Suite

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 5**

I shifted in my sleep. My arms were wrapped tightly around something soft. I wriggled, trying to get closer to it. I heard a sharp intake of breath, it was soft and oh so hot. I didn't want to wake up, I wanted to stay here forever.

The person in my arms shifted and I heard a small whimper. Where was I again? …Anastasia. Was I holding onto her? She hated being touched. I wanted to open my eyes and confirm my suspicions, but my mind was still hazy from the alcohol and I was too tired to do so. I fell back asleep.

I woke up and my head felt oddly heavy. Shit, I was so drunk last night. I opened my eyes, but saw nothing. What was going on? I felt satin on my face, what was I wrapped up in? I lifted my hand to remove it.

"Don't," Anastasia said softly and I dropped my hand back onto the bed.

Last night came back to me. Getting drunk, Anastasia rescuing me. The details were foggy, but I clearly remembered something about finally getting my release when I was sober, if I was a good boy. Oh, how I hoped I was.

"How are you feeling?" Her voice was still soft and it sounded foreign to me.

"Better than I deserve," I answered truthfully.

"And how much do you remember from last night until now?" It was odd how she phrased the question. She seemed nervous, but I couldn't be sure without looking at her.

I wanted to take whatever was over my head off, but I couldn't fuck this up.

"Not much," I said, "no details. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember. What's on my head?"

"My blouse." Holy fuck. "Do you remember what I promised you? Tell me."

"That if I was a good boy you'd let me cum," I panted, this was it.

"That's right." I heard the smile in her voice. "Let me warn you, Christian, you need to listen to me completely, no complaints. I can always deny your release if you test me. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"And you want to play?" Her voice sounded seductive.

"Yes," I groaned.

"Good boy, first rule, don't take the blouse off. If you feel it starting to fall, keep your eyes closed."

I wanted to question her, but I was already rock hard and aching.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes." This was so hot.

"Are you left or right handed?" she asked.

"Right."

"Take your right hand and drag it down the center of your chest slowly, use the backs of your fingers."

I did as she said. My shirt was already unbuttoned and I took in a sharp breath as my fingers made contact with my skin. I was so hypersensitive right now, so ready, so willing. I dragged them down slowly. Using the back of my hand was a new experience for me. My four fingers didn't land where I expected and it felt as though I wasn't touching myself. Anastasia was good at this. I hit my navel and I was already panting.

"Don't move your hand. Go back up."

I did as I was told and hissed in pain and surprise. Moving my hand upwards felt amazing. My fingernails caught my skin, scraping, stopping, surging forward. Anastasia was a vixen.

"If you feel comfortable, undo your jeans and kick them off. Don't stop your hand, go up and down your chest slowly until I tell you otherwise. Underwear too, if you're comfortable."

Her wording threw me. If I'm comfortable? Did she really care that much? Why? Now was not the time to question it. My left hand went straight to the button of my jeans.

"Don't touch yourself," she warned, "not even a little."

I groaned as I carefully undid the button of my jeans and slid down my zipper, I didn't want to disobey her. My right hand didn't stop its trail up and down my chest. The build was intense. I hooked my thumb into my jeans and bent to get them down, pulling my underwear with them, I didn't care.

The blouse slipped on my head, so I made sure I kept myself steady. I got my jeans down far enough so I could relax back and kick them off with my legs. My dick was glad to be free and I could feel it standing up proudly as a drop of pre-cum dripped down ever so slowly. I groaned, thrusting my hips into the air.

"Steady," Anastasia warned.

I attempted to focus on my hand running up and down my chest and nothing else.

"Lift your left leg in the air and hold it in place with your left hand."

I stretched my leg out and grabbed it firmly behind the knee, the stretch felt new and raw. It was oddly painful, but good painful.

"On the next rundown," she instructed, "I want you to continue down the inside of your raised leg to your knee."

I dragged the back of my fingers down my chest, skirting to my hip and then traveled up my thigh to my knee. The touch made me shudder and as I focused on my leg I realized how open I was right now. My dick was erect and my legs were parted. What did this look like? Was I turning Anastasia on? I groaned at the thought. I wanted to see her. Her blouse was on my head, but was it the one she was wearing last night or another one?

"I want to see you," I panted, hitting my knee.

"I know, baby."

Baby… Memories of last night assaulted me. I liked it when she called me that. Didn't Anastasia tell me something, something about contracts and NDA's?

"Bring your hand back to your hip, do it three times, slowly, then you can move forward. I want to watch you pleasure yourself however you choose."

Finally. I pulled my hand back up my inner thigh and I couldn't help but buck and squirm each time my fingernails caught my skin. Fuck, this was good. My own touch had never felt like this before. It was torture, but I made the three runs. Up was haphazard, not knowing where my fingers were going to skim. Down was all fingernails digging in, hips bucking and legs extending. I was so close. On the last downward pull, I slowed down, savoring it.

"Good boy." Anastasia was pleased, good, I wanted to please her.

I skimmed my hips, wondering how I should do this. Everything had been so controlled, so perfect, but now I was on my own, I was lost. I expected Anastasia to give me guidance, but she wisely stayed silent and I was left to figure it out on my own. Why did I crave her instructions so much? I let out another groan, I had waited too long, I needed to cum. I grabbed my dick roughly and I couldn't calm myself down.

"Steady," Anastasia said, concern lacing her voice.

I stopped and took a few deep breaths before stroking myself at a slightly slower pace. It was still fast, but not as painful. It didn't take long, but once again, right as I was about to cum, I couldn't and I started to slow down.

"It's okay," Anastasia whispered in my ear as I felt the bed dip by my hip.

"Touch me," I panted, "I want it to be yours."

"It will be. Keep going, Christian. Cum for me, baby."

Anastasia shifted again and I could't take it any longer, three more strokes and I was cumming. It was painful and I screamed out in both pleasure and pain. This was so good, I needed this. The cum landed all over my stomach and chest as I pumped myself until there was nothing left. Fuck, that was good.

I dropped my leg and dick, and laid on the bed completely spent. I didn't make a move to pull the blouse off my head and Anastasia rewarded me for that. I hissed as I felt Anastasia's tongue on my chest, cleaning up my cum. She was so hot. When finished, she moved away, but I was still too out of it to react.

"When you're ready," she said, "you can remove the blouse."

Fuck. Her voice was far away again. She was back to wherever she was before when she was watching me. I needed to know, I needed to see her. It took me a few minutes to gain my senses back and when I did, I slowly reached up and pulled the blouse away. I stared at the ceiling, blinking, not wanting to see Anastasia until my eyes were ready to take all of her in.

As everything became clear, I moved onto my elbows and looked for her. She was sitting in the corner in an armchair, hand hiding the smile on her lips. She looked proud of herself, I matched her smile. She was fully dressed, but I didn't care.

"Hey," I said, still trying to gain my bearings back.

"Good morning," she said, not moving.

"That was…" I trailed off, words momentarily failing me, "amazing."

"I could tell."

"What about you?" I asked suddenly, sitting up completely, letting my shirt fall off my shoulders in the process so I was completely naked.

"Don't worry about me," she answered earnestly. "How about you grab a shower and then we can have breakfast."

"I'm going to need a sec." I smiled sheepishly.

"Let me ask you a question then. Why did you get so drunk last night?"

"It started as a celebration," I dropped my head, "but I was frustrated. I wanted to cum, but I couldn't. Drinking helped me forget, and then things got out of hand. I'm sorry you had to come and rescue me."

Anastasia didn't say anything immediately. I kept my head dropped.

"Shower," Anastasia sighed, standing up. "Breakfast will be here in fifteen minutes."

I watched her leave and when the door clicked closed, I groaned and fell back onto the bed. Fuck. She didn't even touch me, I didn't touch her… She didn't like to be touched, that thought sobered me up. What did that mean for us going forward? This morning had been amazing, maybe it didn't matter.

I climbed into the shower, letting the warm water wash over me. My body was still sensitive and I hissed, but at least I felt sated. I had needed to cum so badly and Anastasia let me, and fuck did she do a good job. She was an expert, but how did she get that way?

Did she only give pleasure and not receive it? She didn't like to be touched. A memory slowly started to surface, Anastasia slept in my arms last night, didn't she? Or was this just my pathetic attempt to convince myself that she was normal, that we could have a normal relationship. Fuck.

I focused on washing my body as more memories came back to me.

' _You can't touch me. You can't kiss me. I have particular tastes. You have to agree to sign a NDA. There's a contract, rules, limits, probationary periods'_.

What was a NDA? Contracts? Rules? What did this mean? I needed to ask her, but I didn't want to upset her after this morning. I had told her I didn't remember, so what would happened if I suddenly did? Would she be upset with me?

Anastasia knocked on the door, startling me. "Breakfast is here."

"Okay." I climbed out of the shower and grabbed a towel. Shit, why didn't I bring my clothes in here?

I dried myself quickly, not wanting to arouse myself. I needed to be clearheaded and ask Anastasia some questions. I wrapped the towel around my waist and entered the bedroom. My clothes were folded neatly on the dresser. Anastasia did this, she was caring, I knew that much. Always putting me first, unless I pissed her off. I smiled at the thought.

I pulled on my underwear, jeans and black button up shirt. I had a jacket too, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I gave up and made my way to the kitchen. As I passed by the large living area of the suite, I saw Anastasia's work station set up on the large desk by the wall. She had her laptop out, papers everywhere, and she was sitting down, tapping away furiously. She looked pissed, but I reveled in the fact that it wasn't directed at me.

I saw my phone, wallet and keys sitting neatly on the breakfast bar. I left them there, I didn't want Anastasia to think I was eager to leave because that wasn't the case at all. Breakfast was already plated up, but I wanted to wait for her. I grabbed my phone knowing I should probably check in with Kate. There were a billion texts from her, I wouldn't expect anything less. I quickly shot off a text telling her I was alive and that I would be home soon. I switched my phone to silent, so I wouldn't get distracted by it.

I leaned against the counter and watched Anastasia. She looked powerful, I could definitely see her as the CEO of her own company. Fuck, that was still impressive and intimidating.

"Please start without me, Christian." Her tone was clipped and I faltered between what she wanted and what I wanted. I didn't want to anger her, but I wanted to eat with her.

I decided to compromise. I grabbed both plates and sat one beside her on the desk before perching myself on the only clean space, my feet dangling. I was on her left and she looked at me curiously. I started eating my food with my fingers. She smiled and stopped typing, pushing the laptop away and grabbing her plate, eating with me. We regarded each other silently. There were so many things I wanted to ask her, but our bubble was such a great place to be in and I didn't want to burst it.

"You should steer clear of me," Anastasia said suddenly, "I'm not good for you. I'm not a hearts and flowers kind of girl, but there's something about you and I'm finding it impossible to stay away."

"Then don't," I said, setting my plate aside.

"You don't know what you're saying."

"Enlighten me then."

"What are your plans for the next few days?" she asked, ignoring my remark, her voice low.

"I'm working today, from midday."

"What about tomorrow?"

"Kate and I are going to start packing. We're moving to Seattle next weekend and I'm working all this week."

"You're staying with Kate?" Anastasia was keeping a tight lock on her emotions.

"Yeah, I don't have the money and she likes having me around. Her dad bought a place somewhere in the Pike Market District."

Anastasia smiled. "Not far from me," she said. That was definitely a bonus. "So, what are you going to do for work?"

"I've applied for some internships, I'm waiting to hear back."

"Have you applied to my company like I suggested?"

"Ah, no."

"Why?" Anastasia asked.

"Simply put," I said, "I don't like to fuck where I work. …Am I allowed to use that word in that context?"

"Yes, Christian," she said, "thank you for checking with me."

"You swore yesterday," I said, suddenly remembering.

"Don't remind me," Anastasia said. "The things you make me do." She shook her head. "We need to get everything out in the open." Yes, we do. "I need to show you. What time do you finish work this evening?"

"Eight."

"We could go to Seattle this evening, or next Saturday, and I'll acquaint you with all the facts then. The choice is yours."

"Why can't you tell me now?"

"Because I don't want to ruin this." Her words echoed my thoughts. "Once you know, there's a chance you won't want to see me again."

But I did know, some of it, and I wasn't running. Was there more?

"Tonight," I said, the sooner the better.

She raised an eyebrow before picking up her phone. "Taylor," she said, "I'm going to need Charlie Tango."

Charlie Tango? Who was he and what did he have to do with this?

"From Portland, at twenty-thirty …No, standby at Escala …All night." Anastasia looked at me warily. "Yes. On call tomorrow morning. I'll pilot from Portland to Seattle."

Pilot?

"Standby pilot from twenty-two thirty." She hung up, no goodbye, no nothing.

"Do people always do what you tell them?" I asked.

"If they want to keep their jobs."

"And if they don't work for you?"

"I can be very persuasive, Mr. Grey. How about you grab your stuff and I'll drive you home. Then I'll pick you up tonight from Clayton's at eight and we'll fly up to Seattle together."

"Fly?"

"Yes, I own a helicopter."

And she pilots it? Fuck that was hot. Drive…

"You said you're going to drive me home?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Not Taylor?"

She shook her head no.

"What is he to you?" That came out wrong. "What's his job title?"

"I don't know," Anastasia said, "personal security mainly, but he does anything I need him to."

Okay. I felt like if I had a guy like Taylor I'd be asking him to do the most random shit just because I could.

"Where did you sleep last night?" I asked. I needed to know, even if it ruined our morning.

"In the bedroom."

That wasn't a clear answer.

"You slept with me," I clarified and Anastasia nodded. "Oh."

"Why are you asking?" She looked scared.

I shrugged. "No reason, I was just wondering."

So, Anastasia did sleep in my arms and let me touch her even though she didn't like it. What did that mean? Maybe our talk tonight would clear things up.

I grabbed everything, shoving my phone, wallet and keys into my pockets. Ah, it was so good not to be riled up anymore. I turned to look at Anastasia, smirking at the memory of this morning. She wasn't looking at me, she was on her phone again.

"They want two? …How much will that cost? …Okay, and what safety measures do we have in place? …And they'll go via Suez? …How safe is that? …And when do they arrive in Darfur? …Okay, let's do it. Keep me abreast of the progress." She hung up and turned to me. "Are you ready to go?"

I nodded, CEO Anastasia was hot. She picked up her keys and held the door open for me. I looked around before I left, wanting to remember every detail of this suite and everything that happened here. Maybe we could make more memories, I liked the sound of that. Tonight couldn't come any sooner.


	6. Charlie Tango

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 6**

The day at Clayton's dragged, probably because my mind was firmly stuck on Anastasia and the promise of tonight. During a lull, I did some research. An NDA was a nondisclosure agreement, usually used in business, but it could be used for whatever. It ensured that whoever signed it would keep their mouth shut. I wasn't worried about it, I understood Anastasia liked to protect her privacy and I was the same way. Kate was the only person I was close with, but even I didn't trust her with my inner most personal issues.

I didn't have high hopes for sex tonight even though I wanted it. I had a feeling Anastasia wasn't there yet, especially with her touch issues. Maybe after we had discussed everything things would change, but I wasn't holding my breath. It didn't matter. She had already made me cum without touching me and that was mind blowing, so I knew anything we did would probably be amazing. To keep my sanity though, I was going into this with low expectations, so I wouldn't be disappointed.

Anastasia was punctual and waiting for me when I finished my shift at eight. She was leaning against the Audi, smiling warmly at me. It was a beautiful sight.

"Good evening, Christian," she said, opening the door for me.

"Anastasia." I nodded politely. I wasn't going to fuck this up with my mouth, unless that's what she asked for. I smirked to myself as I climbed into the backseat.

"Taylor," I said, nodding my head. I figured if I was going to make a go with Anastasia then I probably should get to know her security guy. I smiled at my thoughts, I wished I had a title for the guy who does anything and everything for her.

"Mr. Grey," he replied.

Anastasia climbed in the other side. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"What do I call Taylor?" I asked.

"Taylor," she answered confused.

"No, I mean in my head." Fuck, that was lame. Anastasia cocked an eyebrow. "I want to know his job title."

I could tell Anastasia didn't understand why this mattered, but it did to me.

"Taylor," she called out, "tell Mr. Grey your official job title."

Taylor went pink. Oh no, what had I asked for?

"ASS," he grunted out.

Anastasia giggled and it was the most wonderful sound in the world.

"Ass?" I questioned.

"Yeah," she smiled, "Anastasia Steele's Security."

Oh, I smiled.

Anastasia reached out and ran her hand down my cheek, smiling to herself, then her hand fell and her mask slipped into place.

"How was work?" she asked.

"Long," I groaned, shifting my hips.

"You're a greedy boy," Anastasia said. "It's been a long day for me too."

That was good to know, maybe I'd be getting laid tonight after all.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

"My sister Mia wanted to go shopping, but I threw myself into some work I had been avoiding instead."

"You have a sister?" I asked. "I didn't know that."

"That's because you're the world's worst reporter," Anastasia said. She wasn't wrong. "She's older than me. I also have a younger brother, Elliot."

The drive to the heliport was short and I was eager to ride in the helicopter.

"Ready?" Anastasia asked. I nodded, not able to keep my excitement at bay. I used to be obsessed with helicopters and planes as a young boy.

We got out of the Audi.

"Taylor." Anastasia nodded at him.

"Miss Steele," he replied, "fly safe."

Anastasia led us into the building and up to the roof where a big black helicopter with Steele International written on it was in front of us. Fuck, it was sleek. Anastasia stepped into a small office where a guy sat behind the desk.

"Here's your flight plan, Miss Steele. All external checks are done. It's ready and waiting, ma'am. You're free to go."

"Thank you, Joe." Anastasia smiled at him. "Let's go," she told me. Yes.

As we approached the helicopter, I was in awe. Anastasia opened the door and told me to sit up front. This was amazing. It was a huge helicopter that seated at least seven. Holy fuck, I wanted it. I wasn't sure why as I couldn't afford or fly it, but I wanted it. It couldn't be that hard to learn how to fly, right? I should look into it.

"Don't touch anything," Anastasia warned me as she climbed in behind me, shutting the door with a slam.

I sat down in my allocated seat and clicked the four-point harness into place. This was so cool. Anastasia knelt beside me and checked everything was secure before she adjusted the straps. My dick started to harden, I couldn't help it. Anastasia looked at me, her eyes heated. She was so close. I could lean forward and touch her, but I didn't, I needed my answers first.

Anastasia rubbed my dick once with her elbow as she tightened the bottom straps. Why wouldn't she touch me with her hands? Soon, I'd have my answers soon. She tugged on the top straps again, making them as tight as they could go. I could feel them biting into me and my chest was being constricted. It was hot I guess, in a way, she was finally tying me up.

"You're secure," she said, "no escaping." Fuck. "Breathe, Christian." Double fuck.

Anastasia grabbed my face. There was something in her eyes, a want. I think she wanted to kiss me, and I was all for that. I tilted my head, hoping she'd give in. She battled with herself before pulling away, then I remembered her words. ' _You can't kiss me'._ Shit, I didn't want this. I couldn't do it, but I was stuck, literally, I had nowhere to go.

"I like you in this harness," Anastasia whispered.

"So do I." I groaned, trying to shift, but getting fucking nowhere. Fuck.

Anastasia sat down beside me and buckled herself in, then she began all the procedural stuff. I watched her, trying to gauge how hard it was to be a pilot. She made it look so easy.

"Here," she grabbed a pair of headphones and handed them to me, "put these on."

I pulled them on and the rotor blades started to spin. This was so cool. She pulled hers on, still flicking switches and pressing buttons.

"I'm just doing the pre-flight checks," she told me.

I could hear her in my headphones. Her voice sounded faraway and it was so hot. I wondered if I said something if she'd get the same reaction. I turned and looked at her.

"You're so hot right now," I said. Anastasia didn't look at me, but she smiled. "Your helicopter's hotter though. Can I have sex with it?"

She shook her head, still focused on what she was doing.

"I didn't know you were into that kind of thing, Christian. I don't know about your request, but I've always wanted to christen this beauty in some way."

Fuck, I was so down for that. Sex in a helicopter, fuck yeah. I knew it wouldn't be flying at the time, but I didn't care.

"Charlie Tango," I whispered, "you won't be the same afterwards."

Anastasia laughed. Shit, I forgot I was wearing the headset. Fuck, she could hear everything; every groan, every sigh, everything. Fuck.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

"Yes." I was more than ready.

"Tower, PDX, this is Charlie Tango Golf Sierra India, cleared for take-off. Please confirm, over."

Fuck, she was hot. I sighed and Anastasia smirked. Damn it, she could hear everything.

" _Charlie Tango, you are clear. PDX to call, proceed to one four thousand, heading zero one zero, over._ "

"Roger, tower. Charlie Tango set, over and out." She hit a button. "Here we go."

The helicopter rose into the air and Portland disappeared beneath us. The higher we got, the more we were surrounded by darkness. It was so magical. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Anastasia looked fucking hot piloting us.

"There's a helipad on top of the building I live in," she said, "that's where we're heading."

Of course.

As there was nothing but darkness to look at, I stared at Anastasia, trying not to moan or groan. She was completely focused on flying; so serious, so commanding, so beautiful. I groaned and tried to shift, but I couldn't. Fuck, and she heard that. Why couldn't I keep my noises to myself?

"How long will the flight be?" Damn it, my voice was husky.

"Less than an hour, the wind is in our favor."

An hour? Fuck, I couldn't last that long.

"Steady, Christian," she said.

I worked on trying to calm myself down.

Anastasia spoke to PDX again before getting transferred to Sea-Tac, fuck that was hot. Why did I like her being in charge so much?

"Look over there," she pointed to a small pinpoint of light in the distance, "that's Seattle."

"Do you always impress your dates this way?"

"Dates?" she questioned.

I didn't know her sexual orientation, so yet again I was trying not to fuck this up before I got my answers.

"I've never brought anyone up here," she said and it surprised me, "only for work, but hardly. Charlie Tango is mine, I don't like to share her."

Her? Fuck, of course.

"Are you impressed?" she asked.

"Yes, and slightly jealous."

"Why? Do you want to be in charge?" There was something in her voice, she sounded vulnerable.

"No, not that," I faltered, there were too many reasons, but I decided on one, "I want to impress you."

She smiled. "Oh, but you do, Christian, all the time."

Okay, that was good enough for me. I smiled ridiculously.

We rode in silence for a while. The bright spot that was Seattle was slowly getting bigger.

" _Sea-Tac tower to Charlie Tango. Flight plan to Escala in place. Please proceed and stand by, over._ "

"This is Charlie Tango, understood, Sea-Tac. Standing by, over and out."

"You obviously enjoy this," I said.

"What?"

"Flying."

"It requires complete control and concentration; how could I not love it? Though soaring is my favorite."

"Soaring?"

"Gliding."

Shit, I assumed she flew planes too, but gliders… How did I get so lucky? Thank you Kate for forcing me to do the interview.

We were on the outskirts of Seattle now and I was brimming with anticipation.

"It looks good, doesn't it," Anastasia said.

It did, Seattle at night was always beautiful, but from this new angle it was amazing.

"We'll be there in a few minutes," she told me.

Shit, so close. It was a good thing I was strapped in tightly otherwise I'd be shifting all over the place. Anastasia talked to traffic control again, but I wasn't listening, I was too excited. We were so close and my sexual fate was in her hands.

Flying above the skyscrapers was scary and exhilarating. I trusted Anastasia fully, but still... I spied Escala up ahead. It looked too small to land on, but as we got closer, it got bigger. It was still daunting though. Anastasia slowed the helicopter down and hovered it expertly. It was quite impressive, just like her. Shit.

We landed safely and Anastasia shut everything off. The blades slowly stopped and it became calm. All I could hear was my erratic breathing, shit, that meant she could as well. I needed to calm the fuck down. We took our headphones off and put them back where they belonged.

"How was that?" she asked softly.

"Amazing," I sighed, "a childhood dream, long forgotten, come true."

"Really?" She seemed surprised.

"Yeah," I dropped my head, "I used to build and collect model aircrafts. I've always wanted to ride in a helicopter, but I haven't had the chance. Doing it with you was amazing."

Her smile softened and she looked almost sad. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Christian. You know that, right?" Her tone was earnest, desperate even.

"I know," I said, but I wasn't entirely sure it was honest. I had fallen for her and I knew I'd make sacrifices just to keep her happy and in my life. I needed my answers.

She eyed me warily for a moment before unclicking my seatbelt, not touching me. Now I was free, I stretched, smiling. I liked being tied up, but being released was nice too.

It was windy on top of the building and Anastasia wrapped her arm around me, holding me close, but not touching me with anything but her arm. How did she do that? Was it an instinct that she had developed? Why?

The elevator doors opened and it was warm inside. Moments later we were in a foyer full of rich tones and dark wood. It was the same kind of design as Steele International. Anastasia definitely preferred black over white. I didn't have time to take it all in as Anastasia strode forward and I followed. She opened a set of double doors and we stepped into a huge open room. It was dark again, but it looked sleek and elegant. I was drawn to the far wall, it was all glass, overlooking Seattle. It was an amazing sight.

"I'm going to have a white wine," she said. "Would you like to join me?"

"Yes." I needed something to help calm me and I bet she knew this.

Anastasia opened the bottle of wine. "Pouilly-Fumé okay with you?"

"I know nothing about wine," I told her, "so I'm sure it will be fine."

She handed me a glass and I took a sip.

"You're very quiet," Anastasia said, "and you haven't sworn once today."

"I'm trying to be on my best behavior," I admitted, "I don't want to piss you off right now."

"Why?" she asked.

Wasn't that obvious? "I'm patiently waiting for answers."

"Yes, you are. You're very patient, baby. Have a seat and something to eat."

Anastasia set her glass down and grabbed two plates out of the warmer. Who prepared this? Taylor? No, he was still coming back from Portland. Anastasia probably had a full staff. She set one plate in front of me and the other by her glass of wine.

"Would you excuse me for a minute?" She said. "Please start without me."

I sat down as she left the room, but I didn't start eating. I did take another sip of my wine though.

Anastasia was gone for a couple of minutes and returned with a document. I knew it had to be the NDA and I was still ready to sign it.

"This is a nondisclosure agreement." She said, sitting it on the counter in between us with a pen. "My lawyer insists on it. If you want answers you're going to have to sign it first."

I didn't hesitate, I grabbed the pen, but before I signed, Anastasia spoke.

"All it means is that you can't disclose anything about me, about us to anyone."

I knew this. I signed my name as neatly as I could, sitting the pen down and grabbing my fork. There, step one was done and it was an easy one.

"Why didn't you read it?" she asked, "you should read everything before you sign it."

"It looks like a standard NDA to me," I shrugged, "plus, I'm never one to read all the terms and conditions, does anyone?"

"Good point, well made, Christian."

We ate in silence. I wanted to grill her, but I knew it would be better when we were not distracted by food.

Once done, Anastasia took our plates and refilled our wine, leading me over to the huge black L-shaped couch. We sat next to each other, angled so we were facing, but not touching.

"You can leave anytime," Anastasia reminded. "Charlie Tango is on standby to take you whenever, or I can organize a car. You can stay the night and go home in the morning, or you're welcome to stay the whole weekend. The decision is yours, Christian."

"Okay." I took a sip of my wine. _I'll take the whole weekend please_ , but I held my tongue. I needed my answers first.

"You're a smart man," she said, "I'm sure you have questions. I'll answer any that I can."

Shit, this was it. Where did I start? I decided just to go for it, Anastasia couldn't run from me, this was her apartment.

"Why don't you like to be touched?" I asked, but she didn't answer. "Am I going to be able to touch you?" I asked instead. She shook her head no. "But you let me hold you, I remember waking up and you were in my arms."

Her face fell. "Yes," she said her voice completely hollow, "that was… inconvenient, it won't happen again."

Shit, maybe this wouldn't work out like I expected.

"How is this going to work if I can't touch you?"

She sighed and shook her head, probably wondering why she was bothering with me when she could find someone who asked less questions, but I wasn't giving in.

"There are certain circumstances where I allow you to touch me, but you have to prove that you can follow me without hesitation or diversion. You've done a great job already, I can tell you respect my boundaries, but I need to be sure. What else?"

"Will you touch me? You haven't yet, and I guess I have the same follow up question, how is this going to work if you don't touch me?"

"I think we've both seen how it's going to work if I don't touch you."

She was right. Making myself come under her command was so hot, but was it enough? I wasn't sure.

"I have no problems touching you, Christian." This was a revelation. "I just…" she trailed off, "it's something new I'm working through with Flynn." Who was Flynn?

Okay, so not a clear-cut no on touching me, that was good news.

"You don't kiss?" She glared at me, shit. "You mentioned it when I was drunk. I didn't remember and then it came back to me."

"Is that why you signed the NDA so quickly, you knew I was going to ask you?"

"Yes."

She nodded her head, a small smile playing on her lips. "Kissing is a hard limit for me." Hard limit?

"Why?" I asked.

She looked at me for a long time and I could tell she was struggling with her decision. She finally settled and I held my breath.

"It's not something I've done before," she said simply.

What the fuck? She hadn't been kissed? Now I had a million questions.

"Never?" I could tell I was pushing her, but I couldn't help it.

She closed her eyes and when she opened them, they were pained. I didn't want this.

"My first sexual partner didn't like it, so I… I don't know, went along with it, and now I just don't see the point. People come in and out of your life so often, Christian, it's not worth getting close."

Fuck, her answer was way more than I deserved. No kissing was something she had learned and then adopted. What else had she wrongly adopted?

"I can respect that boundary," I said and she relaxed, "for now," I added and she glared at me. "What did you mean when you mentioned a contract?"

She sucked in a breath, this was it.

"It's a contract that explains everything," she said, "rules, limits, safe words, probationary periods. It has everything."

"Can I see it?" Surely that would make this whole process simpler.

"Not yet. I have plans for you, Christian." Plans? "I'm going to give you a small taste, like this morning at the Heathman, then afterwards, if you still want to see the contract, I'll send you home with a copy."

"Why wait?" I asked, already panting, thinking of what Anastasia was going to do to me.

"Because I don't share that part of my life with many people and not before I know they can handle it. Bringing it up any earlier is irresponsible, and frankly, manipulative. …You have a choice to make, Christian, and remember you can leave at any point. Do you want to stay and have some fun, or would you rather leave?"

There was no question in my mind, I wanted more of whatever Anastasia was offering. She was right, I'd only had a taste. I needed to know more, I needed to see what she was capable of, me too. See if I even liked it. I was looking forward to it, but I understood what this was, it was a trial before the contract came into play and I couldn't wait.

"I want to stay," I said and Anastasia smiled.

"Good boy."


	7. Anastasia's Apartment

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 7**

"Before we start, I need to discuss some things," Anastasia said.

I leaned forward in anticipation. I was already hard and willing.

"You need safe words." Safe words? Why? "The first is green. Green means you're enjoying yourself but you want more, whether that be more intensity, a faster pace. When you say green, that's all you say. I'll know what you mean and if I don't, I'll ask. The same goes for the next one, red, but red means stop. You say it and we stop, no questions asked. The scene ends and we don't continue.

"Yellow is the tricky one. If things are becoming too much, but you don't want to end the scene, say yellow. When you say yellow you are free to tell me why you safe worded with no repercussions. I'm good at reading your body, knowing your wants and needs. I know the difference between good and bad signs, I know when you're about to cum, I know a lot. If you call yellow and are afraid to speak and I don't know why, I will ask you.

"This relationship isn't going to work unless we communicate. I need you to be open and honest with me, Christian. I want this to work, but I have a feeling it's going to be difficult. I want to take it slow, well, slow for what I do. If you make it through the first part, I have something to show you, but first, I need to know your sexual experience all of it."

Fuck, that was quite a speech. I wondered how many times she had done this before. I still didn't know what I was in for. I knew Anastasia had particular tastes, but aside from her making me cum with my own hand, I had no bearings. I didn't care, I was willing to follow blindly along as she showed me. She seemed to be taking it slow and the safe words calmed me, they gave me a voice.

"I lost my virginity when I was fourteen," I said and Anastasia looked at me surprised, then her brow furrowed and she ended on a scowl. What was that? I continued. "She was my girlfriend at the time, we both thought we were ready, we weren't. It didn't stop us though. It was fairly standard, I guess. Awkward as fuck…" Shit, now she was glaring at me. I needed to focus. "We got better at it over the next two years, then we broke up and I moved on. I've slept with five girls total, done all the standard stuff I guess." I wasn't sure what she wanted from me.

"What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?" I cocked my eyebrow, I think we both knew the answer to that. "Aside from what we've done." Anastasia's voice was tight. Why? I wanted things to go smoothly.

"One of my girlfriends tied me up once." I smiled at the memory. "That was hot. I've done a little bit of anal play, just my finger, and only when alone. It was okay. Umm, I don't know, I feel as though I have an open mind. I know a lot from watching and reading porn, so," I shrugged, "I think I can handle anything you throw my way."

"We'll see," she said and it was the most delicious promise. I couldn't wait.

I wanted to ask about her experience, but I knew she was a private person and as she was already showing negative emotions, I decided to shut up and hoped we got to playing sooner rather than later.

"I think that's enough for now," she stood. I stayed sitting and she smiled. I knew she liked to be in charge and I was willing to follow. "We're going to stay in here to begin with," she said and I frowned. "It's mutual ground," she explained, "a room in which we'll both feel comfortable. What underwear are you wearing?"

Oh, how I wished I could answer with none. I'd love to see her reaction to that.

"Boxer briefs," I panted. This was it.

"Are they tight?" Well, seeing as my dick was hard as fuck, yes. "Without you being hard?" How could she read my mind? I knew she said she was in tune with my body and responses, but how did you get that way?

"Yes."

"What color are they?"

I had no idea, so I quickly checked. "Dark blue."

She smiled.

"Stand," she instructed and I followed. We were standing toe to toe with about a foot in between us. "I'm going to teach you what I like and this is how I want you to present yourself to me. Strip, but leave your underwear on. Then I want you to kneel, right there, on the corner of the rug. Spread your legs, rest your hands palms facing upwards on your thighs, and drop your head. Know that I love good posture, so do what you want with that. I'm going to get changed into something a little more comfortable."

I watched her leave the room. Fuck, she was a dominant, that had to be it. I'd watched some light BDSM videos before and it all made sense. The command, the safe words… Did I want to be dominated? Could I be submissive? I looked down at my dick, he wanted me to shut up and just get on with it. She was being gentle with me, that was even clearer now. I trusted her, I had my safe words. I decided to do it, but if I felt uncomfortable I was going to use my words.

I quickly took my clothes off and decided to fold them neatly, sitting them on the couch. I hoped my action pleased her. I pulled my underwear down so it wasn't bunching up and so it showed off my happy trail and even the top of my pubes. I dropped to the floor, where she pointed to, and followed her instructions. When kneeling and in position, I spread my legs further apart and worked on straightening out my back. It was oddly painful, as I liked to slouch, but I wanted to please her. Shit, you didn't realize how much you slouched until you took note of it. I stared at my hands and waited patiently.

As I waited, I tried to remember what I knew about BDSM from the videos I'd watched. I knew it wouldn't be much, but it should be enough to get me through tonight and then when I was back home I could do some proper research. I remembered the submissives keeping their heads dropped, no eye contact, so I vowed to do the same. They followed all instructions without hesitation, I thought I could do that too. I thought of everything I could, but I also knew that all doms were different. I'd never watched any female dommes, I didn't even know what they were called.

I heard movement and I closed my eyes, trying to steady myself. I didn't want to cum before it was time, or before I got permission. Fuck, I was going to enjoy this. I did love watching those videos and imagining, though I was usually the dom in my fantasies, but that was only because that was how I thought it was. I wasn't picky.

There was a clicking noise on the tile and I sucked in a breath, Anastasia was wearing heels, fuck. I opened my eyes and stared at my dick. It was rock hard and you could see it through my underwear. I wasn't overly big, I'd say average, but I hoped it pleased her. I had to remind myself that she had already seen it. Fuck, what was taking her so long?

"You're off to a good start," she purred. "Usually, I would test your submissiveness, but I want to approach this a different way. I will state what I want and unless I say otherwise, you do that… Answer me, Christian."

"Yes."

"You are to refer to me as sir, is that acceptable to you?"

Fuck, why did that sound so hot? Was that a thing they do, call female dommes sir?

"Yes, Sir."

I imagined her smiling. I hoped she was pleased with me.

"Keep your eyes and head cast downwards unless I say. I will allow you to look at me in a moment as I think it's needed, but when I point to the floor, you drop your gaze, always."

"Yes, Sir." I wanted friction so badly, but I didn't move.

"You may look at me."

I raised my head slowly, trying to not look too eager, and then I quickly took her in, not sure on how long I had. Anastasia was wearing black high heels, black stockings that were attached to her black skimpy panties and she was wearing some tight fitting black corset that was, I didn't even know how to explain it, but it was fucking hot, the whole outfit was. Then to top it off, her dark hair was flowing freely and it looked so wavy. I groaned, I couldn't help it. She pointed to the floor and I dropped my head. Shit, I wasn't going to make it. It was a good thing I couldn't look at her.

She came over to the couch and sat by me. I kept my head down, not even looking at her shoes in case she could tell, which she probably could.

"I want to hear you, Christian, all moans, groans, hisses, screams, all of it. No swearing. You can speak, but keep it limited. If I tell you to keep quiet, then no words at all. If I put my hand over your mouth, that means no noise at all."

I shifted, slightly, I didn't want to, but I had to. It afforded me no relief and I moved back into position, straightening out my spine again. Why was it so hard to stay sitting up straight?

"If I ask you a question I expect you to answer it promptly and honestly unless I've told you to stay quiet. In that case, I will say 'answer me'. I've already seen you pleasure yourself, so now it's time for you to pleasure me. I want to see how fast you can make me cum with just your tongue. This is a test, Christian, and I don't want you to fail it. I'm going to blindfold you and you can only use your tongue. Is this acceptable?"

"Yes, Sir." Fine by me, all but one thing. I shifted again, but for a different reason.

"Speak your mind," Anastasia sighed. "This weekend, or…" she trailed off. "I want you to ask me questions. I'm trying to explain everything, but I'm not used to this."

"Can I touch your thighs with my head?" I asked, head still dropped.

"Accidentally or on purpose?" her voice was tight, shit.

"On purpose. I just, I find thighs hot, can I kiss them, or am I only allowed…" I trailed off, not knowing how crude I could be in front of her.

She was silent for a long while and I almost spoke up and retracted my comment. I should've kept my mouth shut.

"Okay," she said, but she sounded hesitant. Okay, I could touch her, kiss her, sure it was only with my head, but that was all I needed for now. "You need to stay above my knee and go no further up then my hip bones. I'm going to have to restrain your hands now."

My face fell and my shoulders dropped. She sounded disappointed and I knew why, she wanted to see if I would respect her boundaries or not, restraining me made it a moot point.

"Please, Sir, no," I panted. "I want you to test me. I won't touch you, I know your boundaries and I won't step over them. Give me a chance, please, Sir."

"Okay, Christian, but I still have to blindfold you."

She agreed, she was not stuck in her ways, not entirely.

Anastasia grabbed a piece of black satin from somewhere and held it in front of me so I could see it, then she moved so she could tie it around my head. I liked being blind, I wasn't sure why, but it amplified everything. She moved away from me and I lifted my head, trying to straighten out again. I listened hard, but I couldn't hear anything. I didn't know where she was or what she was doing. It was so hot. Time ticked by and I was fucking about to explode.

"Get on your hands and knees," she commanded from somewhere in front of me.

I slowly did as I was told. I wanted to do it fast, but I felt as though doing it slower was more elegant or some shit.

"Crawl forward until I tell you to stop."

Shit, this was tough for me. I didn't know this room well enough, where was the coffee table again? Was I going to run into something? What if she was blackmailing me, taking photos? I took a deep breath before she could tell me to steady myself. I trusted her, I knew that much. I could do this. I crawled forward, my legs shaking.

"Stop. Sit back on your heels."

I got back into position.

"You can't see, but use your other senses." Her voice was so low and husky.

It didn't take me long to realize she was after my sense of smell. When I sniffed, I could smell her arousal and it affected me in a way I wasn't expecting.

"Take it in," she purred, "let it overtake you."

She smelled musky, but sweet and it went straight to my dick. The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to get in there and let another one of my senses take over, taste. Fuck, I felt like I was about to drool.

"Crawl forward, slowly, I'm not going to tell you when to stop, you need to figure that out on your own."

This was it, finally. I moved back onto my hands and knees and started slow. I kept sniffing and the smell got stronger, I was getting closer. I was also relying on my sense of… self, fucked if I knew what it was called, but I could sense where she was. Then when my hand found the edge of the rug, I stopped. I still didn't know if I was in the right spot, but I pressed forward with my nose. She said I could touch her thighs with my head, so I wasn't too worried about missing.

My nose hit skin and I planted a soft kiss on her thigh before trailing my nose further up. I rested back on my heels and clasped my hands behind my back. I did it for both of us, to show her I wasn't going to touch her, and for me so I would think twice before instinctively reaching for her. My nose hit the junction where her thighs met and the scent overtook me. Fuck, it was so heady. It had been a long time since I'd pleasured a woman this way and I hoped I did a good job.

I pulled my nose away and replaced it with my tongue. I aimed for her sex and was rewarded by her wetness. It was dripping and I smiled knowing that part of her arousal was to do with me. I lapped at her juices slowly, getting used to the taste of her, my dick liked it, that was for sure. I traced every line, fold and junction I could. I was trying to get a picture of what her sex looked like seeing as I couldn't see it. It was frustrating, but also hot.

Through my exploration, Anastasia was moving her hips and legs slowly, grunting and moaning. I imagined her with her head thrown backwards and I wished I could see it. She'd be a beautiful sight no doubt. I picked up my speed before baring my teeth and scraping lightly on her mound above her clit. I still hadn't touched her bundle of nerves, but I would. I wanted to give her a little payback for everything she'd put me through before I made her cum.

Anastasia was panting now and I kept on going. I headed back down and then surprised her by moving to her clit and giving it a quick flick with my tongue. She hissed, hips bucking up, hitting my chin. I thought I heard her moan the word 'again', but I pretended not to hear her. I collected some more juices, trying to figure out how to do my next move without hurting her. I moved my head to her thigh, pushing her legs further apart. She let them fall open wide, it wasn't good enough for me though. I shifted my body and got my shoulder hooked under her knee, then I sat up higher so her leg was off the ground. That was better.

Knowing she was thoroughly distracted by my actions, I made my move. I jumped to her clit again and this time I scraped it lightly with my teeth before soothing it with my tongue. Anastasia screamed out in surprise and then I went for broke. Making her cum would be easier if I could use my fingers, but I stuck to my tongue, using it on her clit, listening to her, making sure I was building her release with each moment that passed.

Her hips were constantly moving now and she was not being silent. I knew she was close. If I could just reach up and plunge my fingers into her, I wanted to, so badly, but I knew I had to respect her boundaries above all else. My tongue went straight back to her clit, I couldn't let her come down from her high, I couldn't disappoint her. I lifted myself onto my knees and turned my head, scraping her clit again with my teeth. Anastasia started cumming, loudly. She was a screamer and a squirter.

As she came down, she was still pulsing, I returned to my original position, letting her leg fall. I was only touching her with my tongue now, but I was listening, waiting for my cue to stop. She went completely limp and I pulled back. I sat on my heels, hands still clasped behind my back. I was so fucking pleased with myself, I'd never made someone cum with just my tongue before. I still preferred using my fingers too, but beggars can't be choosers.

It took her a while to come back to me, I sat there patiently. My mind was satisfied, but my dick wasn't. I was still hard and I could feel that I'd been leaking pre-cum. I wasn't sure when I would get my release, but part of me didn't even care.

Anastasia's breathing calmed down and I sensed her getting up. I stayed where I was. Waiting for her instructions was hotter than I imagined. Waiting on her for my pleasure was indescribable. She could say we were done for the night and I'd go to sleep hard, and I would, it would suck, but I'd do it for her. I wasn't sure why, but then again, I don't think I need a concrete reason.

"You did really well," she said, sitting to my left instead of in front of me, she must be on the couch, "better than I expected actually."

I couldn't help the smile that came across my face.

"You followed my commands without complaint and you respected my boundaries. When you do exactly what I say, you get rewarded. Rewards are yours, Christian, I will ask you something and I expect you to answer honestly. It's a reward, I don't want you giving the power back to me. Understand?"

"Yes, Sir."

"You can have one thing," she said, "anything you want, just ask for it."

Shit, anything? My mind started racing a mile a minute. There were so many things I wanted. I wanted to fuck her, see her, touch her. I wanted to cum, I wanted to kiss her, I wanted everything, but something told me that this was a test. If I asked to touch or kiss her then surely it wouldn't be granted. Fuck, I was taking too much time. I didn't want to upset her or lose this. I needed to say the first thing that came to mind.

"I want to see you," I sighed and I was happy with my choice. I wanted to see what she looked like post orgasm, an orgasm I gave her. Yeah, this was the right choice.

"Okay. Remove the blindfold."

I did as I was told. The silk slipped from my eyes and as I waited for them to focus, I saw the black leather armchair in front of me. It was where she had been sitting. I tried to imagine what she would've looked like cumming, but it was hard. There was a wet spot on the leather and I smirked. I didn't know if I was allowed to move, but I said I wanted to see her and she'd agreed, so I rotated ninety degrees and sat back on my heels. Anastasia was directly in front of me. She was dressed the same as I when I saw her last, she must've put her panties back on.

I regarded her silently. She looked fucking hot. Her hair was a complete mess, she was relaxed, and she looked happy. I did this, I made her feel this way. I couldn't believe it. Every other time I'd had sex I'd taken small victories under my belt, but it was always a joint effort, but not this time, this was all me. I did that to her and I wanted to do it again, I wanted to do more.

"Why did you ask for that?" Her voice was low, guarded. "The scene has ended, Christian, please speak freely."

"I wanted to see you," I shrugged, "you're beautiful and not being able to see… It was good, great even, I just missed you." Fuck, that was lame. My cheeks tinted pink.

"You could've asked for anything," she said.

"I know."

"Why didn't you ask for release?"

"There were so many things I wanted," I said, "I chose the one that was most important to me at the time." She looked down at my dick and I did too. "If you were to ask me now, my answer would be different."

Her eyes darkened and something washed over her.

"You can have one thing," she repeated, "anything you want, just ask for it."

Fuck, Anastasia was amazing. I didn't have to think about it.

"I want to cum." Shit, I should've been more specific, I didn't want to jerk myself off again, I would, but I wanted more.

"How?"

I may be a dumbass, but Anastasia was looking out for me. I wanted to hug her, but that was not possible and it may never be. The thought of not being able to be affectionate with her was bleak and painful. I needed to stick to the now. I knew she had a problem with touching, so I needed to be smart here. I wanted her to touch me, but I didn't want her to say no, so I asked for the only thing I thought she might give me.

"Your feet?" I questioned and she looked at me surprised.

I felt like she wanted to question me again, but she didn't.

"Okay," she accepted. "Lay on the coffee table, on your back, facing me. Let your head fall backwards off the edge."

No, I needed to speak up. "I really want to watch you."

She smiled sadly at me. "I can't do that, Christian, but let me do what I can. Lie back, baby."

I didn't move. "Will it always be this way?" I asked, wondering if it would be a deal breaker for me.

"I haven't thought about it before," she said, "all I can promise is to bring it up with Flynn and try and work on it."

"Who's Flynn?" I hoped he wasn't an ex. _Shut up_ , my dick screamed at me, _you're ruining the mood_.

"He's my therapist." Oh. "Lie back, Christian."

I followed her command. The black glass coffee table was hard and cool on my back. I hated that I wouldn't be able to see her again, but she said she would work on it. Fuck, would she work on the other things? Was she already? All my thoughts left me as I felt her pulling my underwear down. Yet again she didn't touch my skin with her hands, but it was getting easier to accept. A second later, I felt the soles of her feet wrap deliciously around my aching dick. I wasn't going to last long, I knew that much.

"Tell me when you're going to cum," she said, getting her feet in the right position. "If you cum without warning me, you'll be sorry."

"Yes, Sir."

"Call me, Ana."

What the fuck? Why were we discussing this now? I wanted to ask her a million things. Who called her Ana? No one? She said only her family called her Anastasia, maybe I could ask her afterwards if I remembered.

"Yes, Ana," I groaned, fuck that felt right.

She moved her feet up and down, jerking me off. It felt foreign yet exquisite. There was some bumbling, but it added to the sensation. My head tipped further back as the feelings overtook me and I spied a grand piano in the corner. Fuck, did she play? She moved her feet faster and I was brought back. I closed my eyes and imagined her. She was sitting on the couch, bent in half, feet around my dick as she watched intently with her wild I-just-came hair. Fuck, she was hot.

"I'm going to cum," I said, surprising myself.

Her feet moved away and then there was something else, it felt similar, but different. I thought it was her palm. It was rubbing me in such a way I couldn't fully explain. I felt it coming and I thrust my hips up. The head of my dick hit wetness and I groaned as Anastasia's tongue hit the underside of my dick. I was in her mouth, fuck. How could she do all this with just the head of my dick in her mouth? What would happen when she took it all? I needed to get more rewards. She didn't suck me, but she swallowed everything I offered and then some. It was getting too much for me. I tried to pull out of her mouth, but she didn't let me. Fuck, she wasn't stopping.

"Yellow, yellow, yellow," I all but screamed. It was too much and I wasn't in the mood to get hard again tonight, I was spent.

Anastasia listened and let me go. I laid there, trying to catch my breath. That was incredible and I loved knowing I earned it.

I sat up slowly, resting on my elbows so I could gaze at her. She was smirking at me, but there was something else there too.

"Thank you for safe wording," she said.

"Another test?" I asked and my words surprised her. Why did that happen? She was the experienced one here.

"Yes."

"Do you really want me to call you Ana?"

"Yes, outside of a scene. When we're in a scene, it's strictly sir."

"Does anyone else call you Ana?"

"No." Her answer was simple and it pleased me greatly.

I sat up, groaning as my muscles protested.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's just been a while," I said. "Some of these muscles thought I'd retired." Shit, where the fuck was my filter?

Anastasia smiled.

"It's getting late," she said, something flashed across her face and her smile disappeared, "will you join me in my bedroom?"

"Why was that a question?"

"My partners," she said and I wondered why she hadn't told me she was a dominant yet, "have their own room upstairs. I don't sleep with them, too much expected touching."

Why was she asking me then?

"Maybe this is a bad idea." She stood. "I'll show you to the bedroom upstairs."

No, could I say red in a situation like this? I needed to use my words.

"I'd rather be with you," I stated.

"There are rules," she whispered, "I may even have to tie you up."

I sucked in a breath, that sounded hot.

"I think we should wait." She shook her head. "I still need to show you the full extent of what I do, what I expect. I need to find out what you already know…"

"Ana," I said and her head snapped to me, "please don't overthink this, baby. I respect your decisions. You can tie me up, I don't care." Just please say yes.

I don't think I'd ever wanted anything more, but she was guarded and I could tell that I was pushing her. The smart thing would be to give her a way out and sleep upstairs, but I wasn't sure I could do that.


	8. The Playroom

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 8**

"You're pushing me too far," Anastasia said and my heart fell.

"You mentioned it," I stuttered, "but I understand, I'll take the bedroom upstairs."

My head dropped and I started getting dressed. I didn't want to be naked in front of her anymore.

"This is hard for me," she whispered, "I'm fucked up."

I turned and looked at her, she looked so small and lost.

"I'm not going to touch you," I sighed, "I think I've proven that. I don't know what it is, but I care for you."

"Don't say that." There was hard edge to her voice. She walked into the kitchen, physically moving away from me.

"Maybe I should leave." I didn't want to, but I wasn't sure of what else I could do.

"Do you want to leave?" she asked, her voice completely devoid of emotion.

"No."

"And you'll sleep upstairs in the bedroom?"

No. "Yes."

"Okay." Okay what? "I'll try. Come."

She'd try… The words made my heart sing. Anastasia led the way to her bedroom and it was just as impressive as the main room, it shared the same fantastic view of Seattle. Fuck, I wanted this apartment. I turned and she was standing by the bed, arms wrapped protectively around herself. Shit, she was really worried about this.

"I sleep in the nude," I said, wanting to lighten things up, "is that okay?"

She smirked, letting her arms fall down. "Fine by me."

I started undressing slowly and her eyes never left me.

"Bathroom?" I asked. She pointed to the door and I quickly took care of things. When I came back, she was still in the same position.

I looked at the bed, trying to work out what side was hers. I saw her phone charger, book, and other personal items on the side she was standing near, so I pulled the covers back on my side and laid down. She was watching me so intently. I laid on my side and looked at her. I wanted to pat the bed or say something, but I knew she needed to do this in her own time.

She took way too long, so I reached down and grabbed my phone out of the pocket of my jeans. I started checking my social media accounts, but I groaned.

"What?" she asked, her voice still small.

"I left my glasses at home," I said, shutting my phone off and sitting it on the bedside table.

I leaned back on the pillows and stared at the ceiling. Surely, I should say something, maybe I could make another joke or something. As I was contemplating it, the bed shifted and I turned to see Anastasia kneeling on top of the covers facing me.

"I'm into BDSM," she whispered, "do you know what that is?"

I wanted to laugh, but I didn't.

"I kind of guessed that." She looked at me shocked. "I've seen some videos," I explained. "Always found it hot, but I've never really tried it before."

"And now?" she asked.

"It's still hot," I smiled, "and I like doing it with you. …How many subs have you had?"

"Fifteen."

Shit.

"Have you ever been a sub?"

"Once."

Fuck, that made my dick spring to life.

"Why me?" Didn't they have clubs or stuff for this? I mean there must be a Subs-R-Us place or something.

"I don't know."

Fuck that answer.

"Try and explain this to me," I said.

Anastasia diverted her gaze. "I was between subs when you came into my office and I couldn't help but think of dominating you. Then you seemed to be willing, so I went with it. I feel connected to you and that's more than I can say for the other fifteen. I'm really trying not to question it, Christian, if I question it, I won't be here. You'd be gone. I don't want you to end up like me."

Why did she think she was so fucked up? Sure, she had issues with touch and trust, but did that make her fucked up? I wasn't sure.

"How did you get into this?" I asked. She was only twenty-seven and she'd had fifteen subs, that seemed like a lot.

"I was seduced by my mother's friend when I was fifteen."

Shit, that was not what I was expecting at all. Anastasia didn't react negatively to this news at all, no, she was smiling. What the fuck?

"I was on a bad path," she sighed, "I was living in the perfect family and I was fucked up. I've never kissed my mother or father, I don't even let them hug me. Sometimes they touch my arms, but I pull away. I wasn't normal. Elena, she… she gave me what I needed. She touched me in a way I found acceptable. We were together for years and by then I was addicted to the lifestyle. I became a domme, her domme at first, and I liked it. It gave me more control over the situations. I could easily tie people up and know they wouldn't touch me."

Fuck, Anastasia's first domme was female. My dick hardened further. "Do you still see her?"

"Not in that way. We're business partners though."

"Have you ever had a normal relationship?" I asked.

"No," she sighed, "this is what I like, it's all I know. I can't handle anything more, it's too much unknown. I need to control everything."

That made me happy, maybe I could show her what she was missing. How she could have both or something.

"Do you have a dungeon?" I asked and she finally started to relax.

"I have a playroom." She smiled.

"Can I see it?" Fuck, I sounded way too eager.

"I thought you were ready for bed."

Oh, I was, but now…

"I was, but now I'm fuc…" Shit, that was close. "Now I'm hard." I pulled the covers back hoping to distract her from my almost slip up.

"I can see that." Her eyes darkened. "If I show you the playroom, we're going to play. Are you up for that, Christian?"

"Yes, Sir." Fuck, I groaned. I was so up for that.

"It will be another test. I know you think you want this, but I want to push you a little. It might get too much, but I'm confident you'll safe word if needed."

Fuck, this was happening, I scrambled out of bed. Fuck, I was too eager. Anastasia smiled and I knew what was coming.

"Steady, Christian," she said. "Come."

"Yes, Sir." I wanted to cum again so fucking badly.

Anastasia led the way upstairs and I was so excited. This was it. She opened the door and allowed me to enter first. It wasn't what I expected at all. I was thinking it'd be dark, like the rest of her apartment and office, but it wasn't. It was a warm gold color with red accents and exposed brick. It was calming and not at all intimidating. It made me feel safe which I thought was weird.

I walked in further, there was so much to look at. I couldn't see any toys, but there was a lot of furniture on display. A huge four poster bed with black satin sheets, a huge wooden cross, some kind of bench thing, a black padded stool, a smaller table. I ran my fingers over the small table, it was so smooth even though the wood looked rough. Everything excited me and I was glad I was naked so she could see how willing I was, how this was turning me on and not off.

Anastasia stayed by the door, silently watching me.

"I'm ready," I panted. I didn't need to look at everything, I just wanted to get started. "Whatever you want, I trust you, Ana."

Her demeanor changed before my eyes and I dropped my head.

"Kneel by the door, you'll be able to tell where."

I moved into action. She passed by me, but I didn't look at her. She was right, I could tell where, there was a small square of white fluffy carpet by the door and it contrasted beautifully against the dark wood of the floor. I got into position, straightening out my back, and waited for her next instruction.

"Do you remember the items I got from Clayton's?" she asked.

Fuck, what were the rules for replying again? I could talk, but not much, unless she told me I couldn't.

"Yes, Sir," I answered.

"Choose one."

One? Fuck. Tape, rope or cable ties. I dismissed the cable ties immediately as they were thick and I knew they'd bite into my skin. I also dismissed the rope, thinking it would do the same.

"Tape, Sir," I panted.

Anastasia came over to me and stopped in front of me.

"Oh, my poor boy," she said and my heart sunk. "Tape is the wrong answer." What? How? Oh, no. I heard her pulling at the tape before she ripped a piece off. "Hold out your arm." I lifted my right arm and she placed the length of tape against my forearm, pushing it down firmly. "I forget you're new to this. Don't take it off, I'll show you why your decision was wrong when we're done."

Fuck, how was she still hot when scolding me?

"I'm going to use the rope." Thank fuck for that. I relaxed, waiting for whatever came next.

She took a long time to set things up. I heard her dragging things into place, her grunting with the effort she was using, I heard chains or something metal. I wanted to know what she was doing so badly, but I didn't move. When ready, she came over to me.

"Stand," she commanded.

I stood, keeping my head dropped. She led me over to the small table and got me to sit on the edge.

"Lay back slowly."

My back pressed against the smooth wood and my neck rested in some kind of contraption. It was comfortable, I knew that much. Anastasia grabbed one of my hands and bent it so it was resting on something similar to my neck. "Don't move it." Then she did the same with my other hand. She grunted as she picked up something heavy and carefully lifted it over me so it came to rest on the wood. Fuck, she had put me in some kind of modified medieval stocks.

"Is this okay?" she asked.

"Yes, Sir."

She smiled and I heard her lock it into place. I tried moving my hands, but I couldn't pull them free from the holes and I knew it would be the same for my neck. This was hot, I was completely immobile. Anastasia moved down to my legs, but I couldn't see her. The wood securing me was too tall and it blocked everything. Why couldn't I watch her? I felt my eyes start to water. It made me mad, all I wanted to do was watch her, but she wouldn't let me. I knew my tears weren't just there because I couldn't see her, it had been an emotional night and everything was overtaking me.

"Yellow," I whispered and she appeared by my face.

Her face fell when she saw my tears.

"I'm okay," I said shakily, "I just need a second." I could see she was struggling with whether or not to believe me. "I only called yellow because I can tell I'm about to cry and I don't want you to worry."

She smiled sadly at me. "Is there anything I can do, Christian?"

"No, just give me a minute." I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down. Why was this so intense for me? I'd been tied up once, but it was only with scarves and I knew I could easily break free. This time, I couldn't, but I trusted Anastasia. I took some deep breaths and I felt her hand in my hair, soothing me. Shit, she was touching me. It was calming and hopeful. Fuck, this was what I needed, her touch, but I wanted everything.

When I was calm and ready to continue, I opened my eyes and her hand stilled before leaving my hair. I sucked in a breath.

"Ready to continue?" she asked.

"Yes, Sir."

Anastasia moved out of my sight again, but this time I accepted it. She grabbed one of my legs and moved it to the corner of the table before tying it in place and doing the same with the other. I felt so exposed. I lifted my hips up, trying to find some friction. Anastasia laughed and it was so soft and beautiful. I felt the rope on my hips and before I knew it, she'd secured my hips to the table so I couldn't move them. I groaned in anticipation.

"Okay?" she asked and I liked that she checked in with me.

"Yes, Sir."

"I know there's things you want from me," she said softly, moving away, "look to your left, Christian."

I turned my head sideways and there was a mirror there. Fuck, I could see myself tied up, completely open, it was fucking hot and I smiled knowing I'd be able to see what she did to me.

"Thank you, Sir." She was so caring, I'd never had that before, not in a sexual relationship and not to this extent.

I worked on calming myself again, my eyes were firmly trained on my body in the mirror, waiting for what was coming next. Anastasia approached and I noted that I couldn't see her face, but I accepted it as I knew she was already giving me more than she was comfortable with. Her hands came into view and she was holding some long brown object.

"This is a riding crop," she said, "focus on my hands."

She pulled it back and slapped the end on her palm. The noise was sharp and quick, but she didn't flinch.

"It doesn't hurt, much," I could hear the smile in her voice, "do you want to try, Christian?"

"Yes, Sir."

I tried to follow her with my eyes, but she was sneaky and the crop came down on my lower leg before I knew it. The crack was sharp again, but it didn't hurt, it only stung. I moved instinctively, half in pleasure, half trying to get away, but I had nowhere to go. It was fucking hot. She started slow, leaving her mark all over my lower legs. She did a couple of gentle ones to the soles of my feet and that was harder to handle, but not unpleasant, just new. She moved to my inner thighs and the blows were faster. I groaned and tried to shift. The more blows she landed on my thighs, the more I tried to get away. The buildup was too intense and I just wanted release.

She moved around the table so she wasn't blocking my view and I watched as she trailed the end of the crop up my balls, getting closer and closer to my dick. I tensed up, was she going to hit me there? Could I handle that? She stopped and I willed myself to relax, but it was hard. "Not today," she whispered and I felt my body go slack again. She ran the crop up and down my dick, agonizingly slow. She circled my head and I grunted, trying to lift my hips up.

"Feel the rope," she purred, "it's holding you back, stopping you from what you want. When you asked me to tie you up at Clayton's, you have no idea how much I wanted to, I had to hold myself back, but no more. I have plans for all the items I bought. Are you ready to cum, Christian?"

"Yes, Sir."

She stopped her movements and bent down, what now? I saw her face in the mirror and my heart swelled, she was so fucking beautiful. I felt the rope loosen around my hips and then she threw it away. I liked the sound of it hitting the floor. "You may cum when ready." Oh, fuck, I was so ready. She started rubbing my dick up and down again with the crop and every now and then she stopped to quickly lash my inner thighs. Fuck. I was shifting all over the place, trying to get my release, I was so close. A few more strokes and I was powerless to stop it. I screamed out as I erupted. Shot after shot after shot, it surprised me as I'd never been able to shoot this much after already cumming. I stopped and laid back on the table, utterly exhausted.

Anastasia was on the move and then I felt her tongue on my chest. I groaned and turned to look at her again. Her back was to me, blocking my view, fuck, I wanted to see her clean me up. Thankfully I had the sensations of her tongue, my imagination, and a nice view of her ass, it was so fucking hot peeking out of the tight black panties she was wearing. I groaned, wondering when she'd let me have sex with her. I wondered briefly if that was even on the table, surely it was, I hoped. I needed to ask her, sometime when she was in a good mood.

She stopped licking and untied my legs, then she freed my arms and neck. She grabbed my arms carefully and stretched them out. I hissed, fuck, that was another new feeling. I was half out of it, mostly because I was exhausted. She pulled me off the table and led me to the bed. "Sit here." I sat down, my eyes closing. She grabbed some kind of tube and then we were on the move again. Walking down the stairs was hard, but she helped me the best she could. We entered her bedroom and I collapsed on the bed. She laughed and I smiled.

"Hang on," she said, "I've gotta rub you down."

Hmm, I closed my eyes. That sounded hot, but I was too tired. I felt her by my arm and a second later I was sitting up, screaming in pain. What the fuck? My eyes were open and my brain was alert.

"That's why tape was a bad choice," she said, glaring at the tape before balling it up and putting it on her bedside cupboard.

Fuck, thank god she didn't use tape, maybe in another situation, but not this early on. My forearm was stinging and red, I felt the tears pricking my eyes and I knew everything was overtaking me again.

"Lay down," she commanded lightly.

I rested my head on the pillow and it was comforting. She grabbed the tube and put some kind of liquid on her hands rubbing it together, fuck, was she going to touch me? I was even more awake now. I didn't move in case I derailed her. She sighed before grabbing my non-red arm and massaging it, all of it.

Shit, she was touching me and it was so exquisite. I could tell she was struggling, so I closed my eyes and got lost in the sensations. She moved onto my shoulder and her touch felt so good. I smiled, I'd go through all that again to get this side of her. I loved her caring for me. She moved onto my other arm and she was so gentle where the tape was, but once she was done, it didn't sting anymore. I started moaning in satisfaction.

My legs were a tougher deal as the cream made the lashes sting and when she reached my inner thighs the pain intensified, but when she was done it was better, it was cooling and I felt so relaxed. She quickly did where the rope was against my hips, but I was half asleep by then. I was so satiated, so relaxed. It was good.

I heard her put the cap back on and set it on her bedside table. I didn't move, she was right to bring me back here before rubbing me down. I'd be sleeping in the playroom otherwise.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, rubbing her hand through my hair. I was only half awake, I wanted to stay alert, but I was too tired and I drifted off.

I woke up at some point in the night and I groaned. My hands felt weird, my wrists were touching each other and when I tried to pull them apart, I couldn't. I figured it was just a dream and I fell back asleep.

My shoulders were aching and something soft and warm was against my chest. What was going on? It took me a second to remember that I was in Anastasia's bed. I opened my eyes, squinting, waiting for them to adjust. The lights of Seattle put the bedroom in an eerie glow and I gasped at what I saw. Anastasia was in my arms, against my chest, and I knew this was all on her because my wrists were taped together, it was soft though, she had used a towel to protect my skin from the tape. I smiled. She thought she couldn't trust me not to touch her, but really, she couldn't trust herself. I relished in her warm body against mine before falling asleep with a smile on my face.

No curtains may have been a good idea last night as the city lights allowed me to see what was going on, but now I was cursing it as the sunlight was trying to blind me. I shut my eyes tighter.

"Shit," I heard her gasp and I felt Anastasia wriggle out of my arms, trying not to disturb me. It was too late, but I pretended to be asleep. It didn't last long, I could hear voices outside the door.

" _But if she's still in bed then she must be ill. She's never in bed at this time. Anastasia never sleeps in_."

Fuck, who was here? I groaned and rubbed my eyes with my secured wrists as I attempted to sit up. Anastasia was looking at me wide-eyed.

" _Mrs. Steele, please_."

Fuck, that was Taylor's voice, and Anastasia's mom?

" _Taylor, you can't keep me from my daughter_."

" _Mrs. Steele, she's not alone_."

" _What do you mean she's not alone?_ "

" _She has someone with her_."

" _Oh._ " I could hear the disbelief in her voice from here.

Anastasia was still looking at me with wide eyes. I was worried too because my hands were still taped together and it sounded as though Anastasia's mother was moments away from bursting in here. Fuck, we were screwed.


	9. Grace Steele

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 9**

"It's my mother," Anastasia's said, eyes still wide, "and you're still tied up... I need to do some damage control." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them, she was in CEO mode. "Grab your shirt."

I was about to question her, but she dared me to with her eyes. Fuck, I knew that look and I wasn't going to piss her off. I reached down and picked up my flannel shirt between my fingers, my wrists were still taped tightly together. I handed it to her.

"Under the covers," she said, "hide your hands, pretend to be asleep."

I put my hands under the covers as Anastasia pulled my shirt on and grabbed her laptop, setting it on her lap. She looked at me, glaring, but I couldn't help the smile that came across my face. She was wearing my shirt and she looked so hot in it. The door handle turned and I closed my eyes, burying my head against Anastasia's hip so my face was hidden. Anastasia tensed at my touch, but I didn't move, it was too late.

"Anastasia, why are you still in bed?" a woman asked. Shit, it was her mother. "Are you ill? …Oh," her voice turned into a whisper, "I thought Taylor was lying. What are you still doing in bed?"

"I didn't want to leave, Christian," Anastasia said, her voice equally quiet as she tangled her fingers in my hair. Fuck, yes.

"Christian?" her mother asked. "A female Christian?"

Shit. We both tensed.

"No," Anastasia said and she sounded pissed. Fuck. "Christian is a guy. I've told you a million times, mom, I'm not gay."

"Oh, well…" her mother trailed off. "You know we worry about you, and we've never seen you with a guy before... So, who is he? How did you two meet? Is it serious?"

"Mom," Anastasia groaned, "you're going to wake him."

"So? I want to meet him."

Anastasia sighed. "Can you give us a moment please." Silence. "Mom, please, I'll wake him up and then you can meet him… Out there."

"Fine," she grumbled.

I heard the door click shut, but I didn't make a move to sit up, for all I knew, she could still be there. Anastasia ran her hand through my hair again.

"You'll have to meet her," she said quietly. "My mother is a very determined woman and when she wants something, she usually gets it."

I turned my head and opened my eyes so I could look at her, her hand stayed in my hair and it made me smile.

"She sounds intense," I said and Anastasia nodded her head. "What are we going to tell her about us?"

She let out a breath. "Not the truth. My family doesn't know about my lifestyle, Christian. Just… follow my lead."

Her hand left my hair and she set her laptop aside, grabbing a pair of scissors. I pulled my hands from underneath the covers.

"Sorry about this," she said as she carefully cut me free, "but it was the only way I could ensure that you wouldn't touch me." She frowned, probably remembering the fact that she ended up in my arms regardless. I didn't say anything, I didn't want to push her.

Anastasia pulled the tape off and then unwrapped the towel, inspecting my wrists, they were fine. She checked my forearm where she pulled the tape from last night and then checked my legs. I had a few marks, but they were completely superficial, they didn't hurt at all. She was keeping a tight lock on her emotions, so I wasn't sure what she was thinking.

"I need to have a quick shower." She got up from bed and pulled off my shirt. Fuck, she was still wearing her outfit from last night, but she had taken her stockings off, so she was just in black panties and her black corset. My dick jumped and she smirked as she walked over to my side of the bed. I turned to face her. She was regarding me with a new look I hadn't seen from her, it almost looked like regret. She sat on the edge of the bed and rested her hand on my cheek. "Thank you," she mumbled and then she was gone, into the bathroom.

I had no idea what she was thanking me for, but it made me fucking smile so big. I got dressed and then I sat on the bed. Anastasia didn't tell me to wait and I wasn't sure what to do. I hated the thought that her mother was sitting out there in the main room alone. Should I go out there? But what about what Anastasia said, that she would tell her mother about us? I decided to bite the bullet.

I left the bedroom and tried to find my way back to the main room. When I entered, Anastasia's mother was sitting at the breakfast bar, drinking coffee, talking to some blonde woman… Another blonde.

"Christian." Anastasia's mother stood up to greet me.

"Ma'am," I said, having no idea if she shared Anastasia's surname.

"Please, call me, Grace."

Grace, I could do that.

"I was just talking to Gail here," Grace said, "and she was telling me that she's never seen you around here before. What are your intentions with my daughter?"

Was she joking? I had no idea. I needed to be clear here.

"I think Anastasia would prefer to answer all questions about us herself." There, that should do. Surely everyone knew she was a control freak. "I'm happy to answer anything about myself. I'm Christian Grey," I held my hand out for her to shake, "please call me Chris."

"Chris, it's a pleasure to meet you," she shook my hand. Grace clearly didn't have a problem with touching, unlike her daughter.

"Mr. Grey," Gail said, "can I get your something to eat, something to drink?" My head whipped to Gail and suddenly it made sense, she was dressed smartly, she had to be Anastasia's housekeeper.

"Sure," I smiled as I sat down next to Grace, "black coffee, cream and sugar on the side please."

"Sir," Gail said, "if you tell me the way you like it, it will make things easier in the long run."

The long run? Was that even a possibility? Was it something I wanted? I decided now was not the time to figure it out.

"Okay," I got up and took the cup from her, "coffee to here, milk to here and, three and a half teaspoons of sugar," I whispered the last part so Grace couldn't overhear. "I have a bit of a sweet tooth."

"Understood, Sir."

Sir… Fuck, that went straight to my dick, but only because of Anastasia. It made me wonder when we'd go into the playroom again. Probably not until I'd seen the contract and signed it. Why was this relationship so complicated?

I sat back down next to Grace and she smiled at me. "So, tell me about yourself, Chris."

"I'm about to graduate from WSU Vancouver with a degree in English Lit," I said. "I'm moving to Seattle next weekend and I hope to find an internship at one of the publishing firms here."

"You want to go into publishing?" she asked.

"Yeah, I have dreams of helping to discover the next big author, I don't know, I think I can give people a chance… It's probably a silly dream. I know this internship will start me off at the bottom, but I'm excited to stop studying and start learning in the thick of it." Fuck, why couldn't I talk? "What do you do?" Yes, put it back on her.

"I'm a doctor." Fuck, that was impressive. "Chris, I know you don't want to talk about Anastasia, but-"

Whatever she was about to say, died on her lips, because Anastasia entered the room and commanded everyone's attention in her hot as fuck power suit. She glared at me and I focused on my coffee. Shit.

"Anastasia," Grace said, "Chris was just telling me about his plans for the future."

Anastasia relaxed. "Was he now?"

Gail handed Anastasia her coffee and Anastasia sat next to me so I was in between her and her mother. Shit, this was the worst setup. Why couldn't we be in the living room or something? Gail slid two plates in front of Anastasia and me, we were having omelets apparently. Gail gave us our knives and forks before disappearing.

"So, tell me about you and Chris," Grace said, "he told me that you wanted to fill me in."

I was hungry, so I started on my omelet. Anastasia squeezed my shoulder briefly before letting go, I think it was in thanks.

"Christian and I met when he came and interviewed me for the student newspaper at WSU."

"You're a journalist too?" Grace asked. "Maybe you can write the books you want to publish."

"Ah, no, I don't write," I said quickly, "I just like to read. My roommate was supposed to do the interview, but she got sick. It wasn't a pleasant day, but I got to meet your daughter, so it ended up being tolerable." Fuck, coherent thought, where were you?

Grace laughed. "It's so good to see someone who's not completely wrapped around my daughter's finger." If only she knew.

My phone rang and I stepped away to answer it. It was Clayton's and they were calling to ask if I could come in earlier for my shift. I looked at the time and I had enough if I left now. I was torn. I didn't want to leave Anastasia, but I didn't really want to stay with her mother here, plus, it was my last week at Clayton's. I'd been working there for the past four years and I knew I was going to miss it. Fuck.

"That's fine, Mr. Clayton," I said, "I may be half an hour late, but I will be there."

"Thanks, Chris, you're a life saver."

I hung up the phone and walked back into the main room.

"Is everything alright?" Anastasia asked, coming over to me.

"Yeah, just work, they need me to come in earlier."

"Oh," Her face fell and I mirrored it, "I'll get Taylor to drive you."

I nodded my head, I'd prefer her, but she had company. Anastasia led me into the living room, away from her mother, and rested her hands on my shoulders. She pulled me close so she could whisper in my ear.

"Thank you for the weekend, Christian," she purred, "I hope we can do it again soon. Don't forget to grab the contract before you leave, it's in my office, in the top drawer, you can't miss it. I wish I could get it for you and give you the goodbye I had planned, but I've been neglecting my mother and it will only get worse if I send her away." Anastasia pulled back and her touch left me.

"I understand."

"My office is right there," she pointed behind me, "check the doc carefully and call me if there's any confusion."

I nodded and she walked back over to her mother. I went to the bedroom first and grabbed my jacket, I was still missing the one from the Heathman, Anastasia must have it, but I was so drunk that night that I couldn't be sure. Either way, I wasn't leaving another one behind, I didn't have many or the money to replace them. I made sure I had everything before going to her study. The contract was where she said and I picked it up, it was heavier than I expected. I flipped to the first page, wanting to make sure it was it, it was. I wanted to know what it held, but now wasn't the time. I hid it in my jacket and headed out.

Anastasia was standing near the sink, putting the breakfast bar between her mother and herself. She was watching me intently and I wasn't sure what to do. I figured everything was in my court now, I had the contract and I could look at it and say no, I had all the power, so I had nothing to lose. I strode over to Anastasia and she looked at me surprised, guarded. I didn't hesitate or give her time to figure out my game. I leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on her forehead.

"Goodbye, Ana," I said and then left.

"What was that?" I heard Grace hiss. "He's calling you Ana? Even I can't do that, and he can kiss you? How long has this been going on for?"

Fuck, maybe I screwed up. It was too late to take it back now. Taylor met me in the foyer and we rode the elevator down to the garage. I clutched the contract, making sure my jacket kept it hidden from view. I sat in the back of the Audi, behind Taylor, not wanting to talk to him, but I wasn't that lucky.

"I know this isn't my place to say," Taylor started gruffly, "but Miss Steele seems more relaxed when you're around."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I didn't say anything. I looked at the contract, not daring to open it in front of Taylor. Did I really need to sign this? Couldn't we just keep going how we were? I wished I knew, I wished we could've went through the contract together, but maybe it was best we didn't. I was still exhausted from yesterday's activities.

"I'm going to have a sleep," I told Taylor, hiding the contract in my jacket and using it as a pillow.

"No problem, Sir, I will get us to Vancouver safely."

It didn't take long for me to fall asleep and when I woke up we were already out front of my apartment. Shit. Why didn't Taylor wake me? I sat up and saw him reading the newspaper.

"Why didn't you wake me?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"Miss Steele told me not to, unless you slept for too long."

"Told you?" I asked, gathering up my jacket and the contract.

"Yes, Sir. She messaged asking where we were and how you were. I told her you were sleeping and she told me not to wake you."

Oh, I did love caring Anastasia. "Well, thanks, Taylor, for driving me."

I pushed the door open, but Taylor spoke.

"Sir, do you think you can call me Jason? That's my name, I don't know why Miss Steele insists on calling me by my last name."

"Okay, sure. Thanks, Jason."

I got out of the car and watched him drive away. Jason Taylor. Why did Anastasia only call him Taylor? Was there more to this or was she just trying to stay professional? I had no idea. I looked at the time and realized I didn't have enough of it. I entered the apartment and Kate was on me. I let her down gently, letting her know I had to get ready for work and I'd talk to her afterwards, though I'd signed a NDA, so I wasn't sure how much I could tell her.

I took a quick shower and got dressed. The contract was sitting on my bed, glaring at me. I wanted to look at it, I wanted to know what I was in for, but I didn't have time. I grabbed it and shoved it under my mattress, I didn't want Kate to find it at all.

Work was a good distraction. I was enjoying it as I knew I didn't have much time left, everything seemed more enjoyable, even the mundane tasks, but I couldn't help thinking of Anastasia. During the lulls, I found myself restocking the cable ties, tape and checking if we had enough length of rope on display. I tried to imagine what she had in store for me, how she could use these items on me. I was fucking hard, but my pants were baggy enough that no one could tell. I ran my fingers over the tape, remembering how much it had hurt to remove. It killed, but in hindsight it wasn't that bad. I mean, it left no mark, and after she rubbed the cream on me, it wasn't a problem. But could I handle that as a restraint, all over my body?

My shift ended, it was a long one. I was tired, but the moment I left, I felt energized. I had a contract waiting for me at home, and Kate. Fuck, Kate.

"So, how was Seattle?" she asked the moment I stepped in the door.

I restrained myself from groaning. "Good."

"That's it?" she asked. "Give me details, Chris."

I couldn't. "Okay, she flew me in her helicopter, we talked, we came, we slept, pretty standard I'd say."

"How was the sex?"

The sex? Shit.

"It was good, best I've ever had." I was only lying about the details.

"How many times did you cum? What about her?"

"Seriously, Kate?"

"Come on, Chris, I always tell you about my conquests."

So? I never asked for that. I sighed. "I came, I don't know, twice, and she came once." Why was I talking about this? I hoped I wasn't breaching the NDA. If Anastasia sued me I'd be broke.

"When are you seeing her again?"

Shit, we had made no plans. I had the contract and she told me to call her, but we didn't make plans to meet back up.

"I don't know," I shrugged, "her mother walked in on us this morning, it kind of put a wrench in things."

"Are you serious? That's so embarrassing."

But it wasn't, Anastasia had made sure of that.

"You still like her?" Kate asked and I glared at her. "I mean, the appeal hasn't worn off?"

Did she think I was only attracted to Anastasia for superficial reasons?

"I think I'm in love," I whispered. Shit, fuck, damn.

Kate raised her eyebrows. "And what about her?"

"Fucked if I know." Fuck, it was good being able to swear again. "We're taking things slow."

"Why?"

Fucking Kate. This conversation was draining me. I just wanted to curl up in bed and look at the contract.

"Look, I'm tired," I said, "can we pick this up tomorrow?" Or never.

"Sure," she smiled. "Don't forget you need to pack, you were supposed to do it this weekend like me."

Shit, I nodded my head and entered my room, I'd done nothing. If I had money, I'd pay someone to pack for me. I groaned and grabbed one of the empty boxes, shoving shit in. I got through five boxes before I decided to give up. I collapsed on my bed utterly tired. I wanted to grab the contract, I was desperate, but I knew it wouldn't be worth it. It'd either keep me up or I'd fall asleep reading it. Sleep first.

I awoke the next day and it was later than I expected. It didn't matter, because I worked longer yesterday Mr. Clayton had given my shift to the person who had to cancel. I didn't care, I got more money than I was originally going to get. I reached down and grabbed the contract, this was it. I flipped it open, grabbing my glasses and started reading.

It all seemed fairly standard, not that I knew, and informative. My first issue came when I read the part about availability. Anastasia wanted me from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon, I could agree to that, but I wanted more flexibility. What happened if I was rock hard on a Tuesday, could I make myself cum or did I have to wait for Friday? I noted it down on the contract. I needed to ask her about it.

More boring shit that made sure Anastasia covered her ass, it was smart, but dull. Reading the dominant section, one word stuck out to me, discipline, but I disregarded it. I knew, from the videos I'd seen, that discipline was a big part of BDSM relationships. It came up again in two paragraphs… _The dominant may flog, spank, whip or corporally punish the submissive_ … There was something about this that didn't sit right with me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I pushed forward.

Discipline, discipline, it wouldn't leave me alone. I pulled my glasses off, I needed to figure this out before I pushed forward, and then it hit me, Anastasia hadn't hurt me. She hadn't hinted at it, or spoken about it, there were no whips or canes on display in the playroom, if anything, she'd been caring. She didn't use the tape on me because it would've hurt me. I don't think she wants to hurt me, but it's written here. It was expected. I was confused, but I pressed on.

The submissive section backed up the dominant section and no new information was revealed. Activities and safe words brought nothing new either, then we sign. I flipped to the next page.

Appendix one, rules… _To be discussed and lined out by both parties. Some topics to be covered are obedience, sleep, food, clothing, exercise, personal safety, personal hygiene and personal qualities_. Okay, that sounded fine. I liked that we discuss the rules together.

Appendix two, soft limits… _To be discussed and agreed between both parties_. Sounded good.

Appendix three, hard limits… I read through the list. Her hard limits seemed fairly standard and in line with what issues I knew she had. I hit the last item on the list and I had to double check it, what? Maybe it was a typo. No, it was there, clear as day. I grabbed my phone and dialed Anastasia's number. I needed clarification.

"Is everything okay?" she asked, her voice full of concern.

"I…" I cleared my throat, "I have a question about the contract."

"Hang on." She must've pulled the phone away as I could still hear her but it was muffled. "I need to take this call, keep working on solutions, I want to hear them when I return."

Shit, she was in a meeting, maybe I shouldn't have called, but I needed to. This information was worrying and I needed an answer before anything else.

"What is it, Christian?" she asked, her voice hard.

Shit.

"I was looking at the contract," I started dumbly, fuck. I needed to say this, no matter what. I took a deep breath. "Why are males a hard limit for you?"

She sucked in a breath and my world crashed around me. It all made sense, her first domme/sub was female, everyone thinking she was gay, the reason she wouldn't touch me, she hated males. I couldn't do this, I couldn't be what she needed me to be. I panicked and ended the call before she could reply. Fuck, what did I get myself into? Why did this hurt so much? I wanted her, more than anything. I was willing to do whatever it took, but I couldn't do this, I couldn't fix this. I was a male, I couldn't change that. Fuck. I threw the contract and my phone away from me.


	10. Raymond Grey

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 10**

Shit, what was I going to do? Anastasia was a control freak. How did she know where I lived to send me that record? I didn't tell her. Shit, would she come here? I hung up on her, she must be pissed, but so was I. Males were a hard limit, why? Did she only have female subs? Why me? I didn't want her to come here and I had a feeling she would. I picked up my phone and the contract. I shoved the contract under my mattress and stared at my phone. Could she track this? Would she? I needed to get away, I needed to think this through. I think I loved her and I don't want to lose her, but I was so confused.

I scrolled through my contacts. I didn't want to talk to Kate or Jordan, no one here. I saw my father's name, Raymond Grey, yes, that's where I'd go. My father had always been there for me and I had no doubt he'd be there for me again. I turned off my phone, deciding to leave it here. I couldn't be tracked if it wasn't on me. I left Kate a note as I didn't want her to worry and if Anastasia turned up it would give her some peace too. It read: _Need some time away, I'll be back_. I packed a bag just in case and headed out to my old beat up Volkswagen Beetle. This time away would be good for everyone involved.

The two-hour drive to Montesano was calming. The open road cleared my mind and allowed me to finally forget Anastasia Steele for once. It was freeing. Pulling up to my childhood home calmed me further. Ray was on the porch, drinking a beer and I couldn't help the smile that overtook me. I got out and made my way over to him, sitting down on the chair next to him.

"Chris, what are you doing here?" he asked. "We're still on for graduation this weekend, aren't we? Or did you fail all your finals?"

"Funny, dad." This was good. "Can't I come for a visit?"

"Sure, but you don't."

Thanks for that not-so-subtle jab dad.

"Chris, what's wrong?"

"It's about a girl," I sighed.

"Of course," Ray smiled, "let me grab you a beer."

I relaxed back in the chair, looking at the familiar setting. Growing up here was good, and it was even better when my mother moved away for good.

"Here." He handed me the beer. "So, tell me what's going on."

"She lied to me." I took a drink.

"Ah, right, I remember that," he said. "So, what was her excuse?"

"I don't know. I kind of flipped out and then I wanted to get away… I ended up here. I like her, dad, really like her, but I don't know."

"What don't you know, son?"

"She's a bit of a handful, I don't know if she's worth it. I thought I had trust issues with everything mom put us through, but my problems are nothing compared to hers."

"Does she have a flakey mother too?" Ray asked.

"I don't know, she's adopted. I met the lady who adopted her though, she's a doctor and seemed totally normal."

"Maybe her issues come from before then." Maybe. I wished I knew more. "You've always had a problem with communicating, Chris. I still remember you running from your problems as a kid, but you're an adult now, you've gotta stop doing it."

"I'm not sure talking's going to help," I said. What could Anastasia say to convince me that males weren't a hard limit? Hard limits were things you couldn't stand, some of the other things on her list were touching and kissing, and I saw how they affected her, she tensed up, there was fear in her eyes. I didn't want to cause her any pain. "Can I stay here tonight?" I asked.

"Of course, Chris, but you're running away."

"I know, dad. I just need to think."

"Tell me about this girl."

I smiled, I couldn't help it and Ray noticed.

"Kate forced me to interview some hotshot business woman," my smile widened, remembering it.

"And why couldn't Kate do it?"

"I think she was intimidated by Anastasia."

"Anastasia?" Ray asked.

"Yeah, Anastasia Steele of Steele International."

Ray nodded his head appreciatively. "She's a very good looking girl, Chris, accomplished, rich."

"I know, she's the whole package, but she's damaged goods, perhaps too damaged."

"Everyone's fucked up, Chris, you know that. Have you told your mother about any of this?"

I scoffed, was he serious? Carla would be no help in this matter.

"It's brand new, dad, early days. Maybe this is a sign, I should cut loose before I fall any further."

Ray dismissed my comment. "Back to the story," he said, "I want to know everything."

"So I interviewed her and it went terrible-"

"Because you're a terrible communicator," Ray quipped and I glared at him.

"Sparks flew though, I guess. We parted ways and then she shows up at Clayton's."

"Anastasia Steele, Seattle's most eligible bachelorette, was in a hardware store?" Ray asked. "Oh, I would've paid to see that. What did she buy?"

"That's not relevant." There was no way I was telling Ray that. "Everyone thinks she came to see me..." How did she know I worked there? Shit, does she have a whole file of information on me? Does she have any boundaries? I was glad I left my phone at home.

"Of course she came to see you," Ray said, "she's in charge of a massive corporation, she has people to shop for her."

"Fine, she came to see me at work." It was oddly freeing to admit that, I think I always knew it deep down, I affected her as much as she affected me. "Kate wanted a photo for the article, so I set it up and during the photoshoot she asked me for coffee."

"Coffee?" Ray scoffed. "Don't you mean your sugar with a side of coffee and cream?"

I flipped Ray off, so not the point.

"By this point, the sexual tension is escalating." This was good, I hadn't had time to reflect on any of this. It had been one of those whirlwind romances or some shit. "Finals are done and I'm celebrating. I get drunk and there she is. I think she's stalking me."

Ray laughed. "I hear she has a great security team, so I don't doubt that."

Why did I come here again? But this was good, I needed this, I needed my dad and his no-nonsense attitude.

"She takes me to her hotel room." Ray wiggled his eyebrows and I groaned. "Don't look at me like that, dad, I'm an idiot okay, I think we've established that." Anastasia clearly liked me and had from the moment we met.

"So, did she take your virginity?"

Fucking Ray.

"We haven't had sex."

His face fell. "That's weird, you know that, right? But at least my boy's still a virgin."

Fuck, I should leave. "I know it's weird, just let me fucking get this out." I took a deep breath. "We had some fun, and no, I'm not going into details. You're not getting any more ammunition to use on me. Before we parted ways, she asked me to come to Seattle with her that night. She said she wanted to discuss some things. I agreed, perhaps stupidly. I don't regret it, she flew me there in her helicopter."

"You finally got your ride?" Ray beamed. "Why didn't you tell me? I bet five-year-old Christian was happy."

"He was, as was I." I smiled. "It was amazing, and I didn't tell you because I've been a little preoccupied. We got to her apartment, she has the penthouse in Escala." Ray whistled impressed. "We talked and had some fun, talked some more, had some more fun, then slept. It was very enlightening. I had guessed some of what she was going to tell me, so it wasn't that big of a shock."

I could tell Ray wanted more details, but I couldn't betray Anastasia that way, NDA excluded.

"Her mom busted us that morning, shit, that happened yesterday morning..." Why did it seem further away? "Things were fine and I left with a note from Anastasia. The note is my problem here. I couldn't read it until this morning and it holds something I consider a deal breaker."

"But you haven't talked to her about it?" Ray asked.

"Well, no, I called her, confronted her, but I was so mad… I hung up on her."

"I know you won't want to hear this," Ray said, "but you sound so much like your mother."

I frowned, I didn't want to be like her at all.

"How many times have I told you, Chris, you don't run away, you stay and talk it out. That's why Carla and I split, she panicked and ran with you. Thankfully you came back, but she never did."

I only came back because husband number three was abusive and I wanted out. I missed Ray too, but getting hit forced me to run back home. I tried to get mom to come with me, but she was so stubborn. It was a lesson she needed to learn on her own, and she did. I didn't like to think about it. Was I doing what she did? Running? I could admit I was, but I needed time to process this. It had only been a short amount of time, surely Anastasia would understand.

"I'm an idiot," I said.

"We already knew that, Chris." Ray smirked. "You've had this problem for a long time, it's going to take a while to kick it, but if you want to, you need to try. You like this girl?"

"Yes," I sighed.

"And are her issues worth it?"

"I don't know."

"You need to figure that out, Chris. Because you ran, I think it's safe to say you don't have all the information yet. You don't know where her issues stem from and until you do, you're not going to get anywhere. Do you want another beer?"

"Sure."

Ray left me and I put my feet on the porch railing. He was right, like usual. I was doing what I always did, running away, but it was ingrained in me. I thought about what he said, I knew I needed to make some hard decisions. There were three options in my mind, run and never look back, stay and hear her out, or just go in head first and figure it out together. I wasn't sure what the best option was. Why were males a hard limit for her? She cared for me, I knew that much. Maybe she was willing to change, maybe males were a hard limit and now they're not, but why would she give me the contract if that was the case?

I'd fallen for her and I missed her, but was Kate right, did I just like her for superficial reasons? I didn't think so. She was too fucked up, issues upon issues. If I was only in it for purely shallow reasons then my decision would be easy, but the thought of leaving her hurt me in a way I'd never experienced before. I needed to go back to her, even if it was just to hear her out and then decide. Ray was right, I needed to stop running.

"Come to any conclusions?" Ray handed me another beer.

"Maybe," I said and he shook his head.

"Sleep on it, things are always clearer in the morning, or so they say."

I enjoyed my time with Ray, it was refreshing to get away. Sleeping in my old bedroom was weird though. I woke up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, panting. I'd had a bad dream. Anastasia was with me, but she was constantly out of reach and no matter what I did, she just got further away from me. I knew my answer, I had to see her. I'd memorized her number, so I grabbed Ray's phone and called her. She didn't answer, but I left a message.

' _Ana, it's Christian, I'm coming by Escala today, I hope to see you and we can talk_.'

I tried to fall back asleep, but it was hard. I drifted off at some point and woke up to the smell of bacon. I had breakfast with Ray and told him I was going to go and figure this out, he looked at me so proudly. I packed up my bag and made my way back to my Beetle. The drive to Seattle was just under two hours and the closer I got, the more I was sure of my decision. It scared me too. What if she said something and I couldn't accept it? The time apart had done nothing except make my feelings for her grow. I missed her more than anything.

I pulled up to Escala and Jason Taylor pushed off the wall, ready to greet me. Anastasia must've gotten my message. Taylor opened my door for me and his face looked grave.

"She's upstairs," he said. I wanted to ask what kind of a mood she was in, but I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. "I'll park your car for you."

"Thanks, Jason." I clapped him on the shoulder.

"You're going to need this," he handed me a small card, "it's the code to Miss Steele's apartment."

I took it and headed straight for the elevators. I punched in the code and pocketed the card. I wondered what was waiting for me. I expected her to be angry. I exposed her, I hung up on her, I ran away. This couldn't be good. The elevator doors opened and my heart sunk. The usually immaculate foyer was a disaster. The vase of flowers had been smashed, some of the art was slashed or strewn carelessly on the ground. It looked like a tornado hit it. Shit. I pushed open the double doors and the inside of the apartment looked worse. Items were everywhere, small pieces of paper littering the ground, the couch looked ripped up. What happened here? Where was Anastasia? Was she okay? Did someone break in?

I walked over to the couch to inspect the damage and something in the corner of the room caught my eye. Anastasia was wrapped up in a small ball, resting against the wall and window. Fuck, what had I done? I knew I couldn't be blamed entirely, but I felt like this was my fault. I wasn't sure what to do. Anastasia was clearly upset, she looked broken, and I knew she tore this place apart, but why? Because I left? Wasn't that an overreaction? It had only been twenty-four hours since I confronted her. Shit.

I approached her slowly, still unsure on what to do. Anastasia shifted away from me, trying to get closer to the window. I knelt beside her and could hear her labored breathing and soft sobs. Shit, she was so broken, more so than I thought. I reached out tentatively and put my hand on her shoulder. She pulled away and her breathing increased. Fuck, what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to comfort her when she didn't like to be touched? Fuck it.

I wrapped both of my arms around her and she started struggling.

"No, let me go. Don't touch me," she yelled.

I didn't give in. I held her to my chest as I sat on the floor with my back against the wall. She started screaming, loudly. Fuck, it went straight to my heart, tearing it in half. I gripped her tightly and whispered in her ear.

"It's okay. I'm here, I'm back. It's okay, it's going to be okay."

Her screaming stopped, but she didn't stop struggling, trying to get away from me.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Ana. I'm sorry, baby, please."

I was so lost, she wasn't calming down, I needed to do something. I remembered how in stressful moments her hand had found its way into my hair, maybe that was what she liked, what she needed. I let her go of her with one hand and she started screaming again, shit. I quickly put my hand in her hair and started stroking her head, rubbing her scalp. The screaming stopped and she stopped struggling. She was still tense in my arms, but she was getting there. My poor baby. Fuck, I never should've left.

Taylor appeared and he seemed calmer, yet he still looked frightful.

"Call Flynn," I told him.

"But Miss Steele doesn't want that."

"I don't care, call him."

Taylor nodded his head and retreated.

"It's going to be okay, baby, I've got you."

I held her to me, vowing to never let her go, no matter how hard it got. I wanted her and she needed me, for whatever reasons. I just hoped when all the dust settled, she'd want me too, just as much as I wanted her, if not more.


	11. John Flynn

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 11**

Anastasia slowly relaxed fully in my arms and I turned her so she was straddling my hips, resting back against my knees, looking at me.

"You were gone," she said, eyes still wet from crying. "I went to your apartment and you weren't there. Kate showed me the note. I was so worried, Christian."

"I'm sorry," I wrapped my arms around her waist, "I was confused and I couldn't handle it, so I ran. I won't run again, I promise."

She looked so vulnerable.

"That contract wasn't meant for you," she whispered, "it was an old one. I had a new one drawn up specifically for you."

So, although males were a hard limit for her, she didn't want me to know about it? I didn't agree with that.

"Ana, you said it yourself, we need to communicate. I'm glad I picked up the wrong contract, things would've been worse if I hadn't."

"Worse?" She scoffed. "Do you know how many priceless pieces of art I destroyed?"

I smiled, seeing her slowly coming back to me.

"I saw, it's okay, you can buy some more. Maybe something different this time, especially if you destroyed any originals."

"I don't know how you're so calm," she looked at her hands, "you were so upset, and I don't blame you, then you come and find me like this…" she trailed off.

"All I needed was time to think," I said, "I went to my dad's and he chewed me out, made me realize what was important, and that's you, Ana."

Her face fell. "I can't be what you need me to be, Christian."

"I don't even know what I want," I tried to reassure her, "but we'll work this out together."

"It's not going to work," she tried to pull away, "you're going to find out the truth and leave me, I know it."

How could I reassure her that I was staying? Only one thing came to mind.

"Where are your keys?" I asked.

"What?"

"Any keys you have for the apartment."

She pulled them out of her pocket and handed them to me. "What are you doing?"

I carefully slid her off my lap and she knelt on the floor, looking up at me. I knew it might cause her to revert, but it was something I needed to do. I wasn't leaving and I'd only be quick. Seeing her kneeling, I was reminded that she started off as a submissive.

"Stay here," I commanded gently.

Something flashed across her face, but she didn't move. I needed to be quick. I left her and headed upstairs to the playroom. I found the right key and unlocked the door. Once inside, I felt my dick start to harden, remembering what we did, what more I wanted to do in here. It took me a long time to find what I was after, but the second I did, I was out of the room, locking it behind me.

I entered the main room and I hoped to find Anastasia where I left her, but she wasn't there. She was back in the corner. Fuck. As I got closer I could see some differences from earlier, she wasn't in her ball, she was guarded though. I'd hurt her, but this was on her not me. I decided to continue with my plan. I got the item ready, quietly, and as I approached her, she tensed up. I grabbed her wrist quickly and slapped the handcuff into place, tightening it. Anastasia turned to look at me, fury in her eyes. I pressed forward and secured the other end around my wrist. Tying us together.

"I'm not going anywhere," I told her, handing her the key.

Her face softened and she looked at the handcuffs, pulling on them gently, testing our bond. It was secure. She looked on in wonder. I tugged on them gently and got her to stand with me. I led her to the torn-up couch and sat down. Anastasia watched me intently. I waited for her to make her move. She surprised me by sitting down on my lap and wrapping her free arm around me. I heard her sigh and I think it was in contentment. I wrapped my arm around her and held her close.

"Excuse me, Miss Steele," Taylor said, "but Dr. Flynn is here."

"Send him in." Anastasia didn't make a move to leave me.

I kept my eyes trained on the door, wanting to see what Dr. Flynn looked like. A sharply dressed man in his late thirties entered and he was already speaking.

"You know I don't like making house calls," Flynn said and then he saw us. "Oh."

He took a seat on the coffee table and regarded us silently.

"Anastasia, are you okay?" he asked and I could tell he cared for her.

She nodded her head, still not letting me go.

"Is this Christian?" Another nod. "Anastasia, can you please use your words. Look at me."

Anastasia shifted so she could see him, her cheek resting on my cheek.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked pointedly.

"Get Christian to."

"I didn't ask him, I asked you. Come on, Anastasia, none of this bullshit please."

Anastasia didn't react to his swearing, that was weird, right? Why couldn't I swear if Flynn could?

"Christian was upset with me and then I couldn't find him anywhere."

"Okay," Flynn accepted, "and what caused this?"

"He found out that males are a hard limit for me."

"What do you mean by found out? I thought you were going to tell him before you did anything."

"I was, but I couldn't. My mother came over and I told Christian where the contract was, he grabbed the wrong one. It's my fault, I should've been clearer or gotten it myself."

"So, the contract had none of the changes we discussed?" Flynn asked and Anastasia shook her head no. "Have you talked to him about any of this?"

"No, he was gone and he only just came back."

"You're touching him," Flynn stated and Anastasia tensed up.

"He touched me first," she said like a toddler.

"He's touching you," Flynn added, "and please don't give me a bullshit answer again, you know I don't stand for that. Are you currently having any negative reactions?"

"No, but I think it's because I'm in shock. I didn't expect him to come back, they never do."

They? Who were they? Her old subs?

"How are you, Christian?" he asked me. Shit.

"Rattled, but fine," I told him.

"I'm sure you have questions."

"I do, but with all due respect, I'd rather talk them through with Ana."

"Ana," he said, his voice tight, "I see." What was that? "I'm sorry, I'm just not sure this relationship is the best thing for Anastasia right now." Was he serious? "You left and she flipped out, that's not healthy behavior."

Anastasia went still against my chest. Fuck Flynn.

"I know that." My voice was tight. "Ana's fucked up, she's told me herself, sure I don't have all the details, but I'm not running and she knows this." I held up our handcuffed hands and Flynn smiled tightly.

"Who's idea was that?" he motioned to the handcuffs.

"Mine."

"Interesting. I think what you two need right now is to talk this through, all of it. Anastasia, do you need me?"

"I didn't ask for you to be called, Christian did."

Way to throw me under the bus.

"Do you need anything else from me?" Flynn asked me, already standing up.

"I guess not." The only reason I got Taylor to call him was because Anastasia looked so broken and I wasn't sure I'd be able to bring her out of it, but I had.

"Okay, call me if you need anything." Flynn handed me his card and left. I wasn't sure if he was a good therapist or not, but at least when we called him, he came running.

"Is there anything I can get you?" Gail asked tentatively, coming into the room.

Anastasia said nothing.

"No, thanks, Gail." She left and I turned my attention to Anastasia. "Flynn's right," I said, "we need to talk."

Anastasia agreed and let me go, moving away to sit next to me. I missed having her in my arms. She grabbed the key for the handcuffs and undid her wrist. I guess her needing-to-be-held time was over and done with. Anastasia seemed better, but I wasn't sure.

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Sit on the floor, near the coffee table."

I did as I was told, I liked following her command. Anastasia grabbed the handcuff and cuffed my wrist to the leg of the coffee table. The leg was joined to the other one in a big rectangle, so there was no escaping. She left me and I watched her with my eyes as she went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine, filling up two glasses. I guess it was going to be a long and heavy talk. She handed me one of the glasses and sat in front of me on the couch. She was higher than me, so I had to look up at her, but I didn't mind. I took a big gulp of the wine and waited for her to start.

"I've never been with a man before," she said, not meeting my eyes. "I've had penetrative sex, but never with a man, just toys." Holy fuck, this was it, the answers I needed. "During my formative years, I lived in hell. I can't really go into details right now, but know that my issues with touching and my aversion to men come from that period."

Shit, was she abused? If so, was it physically, emotionally, sexually, all of them, none of them?

"I've never been attracted to a man before. Flynn thinks it's due to the fear and hatred I feel towards them. That's why all my sexual partners have been female. The day I met you, you intrigued me, but I thought nothing of it. Then I couldn't get you out of my head, so I went to Clayton's… I still couldn't understand why I was drawn to you. When you called me drunk, I was so confused because it made me realize I cared about you. Then things just escalated. I felt suffocated, but I was sure I could handle it. I was wrong.

"This is all new to me, Christian, I don't fear you and that's a first. I don't know what to do with this, how to handle it, so I'm trying to treat you like a female sub. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me at the moment, it calms me. I like playing with you in that way and I think you do too."

"I do," I smiled, "so much. When I went to get the handcuffs from the playroom, my dick was instantly rock hard thinking about what we'd done, what we might do. I don't want to lose that part of our relationship. You know I respect your boundaries, and that won't change, but it helps knowing why. Flynn eluded to more changes from the contract, do you want to talk about it?"

"I can't hurt you," she whispered and my suspicions were confirmed. "I'm not sure why and it frightens me because that's all I know. I think part of it's because you're new to this lifestyle and I don't want to push you. I think it's also due to not knowing why I care about you…You're the only male, Christian, and that means something to me, it's special. I never thought I could be normal. I never thought I was gay, I wasn't sure what I was, but I never felt connected to my subs or domme, it was just a means to an end. Caring for you made me so happy, I finally felt normal, I don't know."

"Can we talk more about touching?" I asked and she nodded her head. "I was holding you before, I've held you twice at night, does that change things?"

"I don't think so," she said and she seemed disappointed. "That's still a hard limit for me, I can't even handle the thought of it, but it's something I'm willing to work on. Being in your arms earlier, after the initial shock, it was nice and I want to do it again."

She blushed and her head dropped.

"Some areas of my body are safe zones if you will," Anastasia said, "but only under certain circumstances and never in an intimate setting. I… I don't even like to touch myself." Fuck. "It's tough, but it's me. All I can promise you is that I'll try."

How did she not touch herself?

"If you don't like to be touched, how did you get into this lifestyle?" If she was a sub then surely her domme punished her.

"I wasn't the best kid at fifteen," she laughed dryly. "I was on a terrible path, fucking everything up. Elena was attracted to me, I guess. It started really slow. Me touching her mainly. I found being under her instructions, I could do certain things easier. When she first touched me, it was pleasure mixed with pain and the pain was familiar, I think that's how I could deal with it. I don't know, this is the first time I've discussed my relationship with her, not even Flynn knows this."

"It's okay," I said, "we don't have to talk about it. We don't have to go into any details. These past twenty-four hours have been trying on both of us. I'm here," I jangled the handcuffs, "and I'm staying. We can take our time, I don't care. You've given me so much, Ana, thank you."

"Oh, Christian, I don't know what to do." Her head fell into her hands. "I'm used to knowing the answer to everything, but you confound me."

"Stick to your original plan," I said, "treat me as a female sub and keep working on the things you want to change. I have my own problems, Ana, nothing compared to yours, but it will be stuff I'll need to work through too. How about we sleep this off and see where we're at in the morning?"

Anastasia nodded her head and untied me. "Thank you, Christian."

I smiled tightly and nodded my head. I wanted to hug her, but I knew that wasn't a possibility right now.

Anastasia led me to her bedroom and I was a little surprised.

"Do you want to cuff my hands together?" I asked, holding them out.

She stepped towards me and I sighed, then I felt the handcuffs leave my wrist and clatter to the ground.

"Christian," she started but stopped, her vulnerability was back, "will you hold me?"

My faces broke into the biggest smile and it hurt my cheeks. "Of course."

I got in bed after kicking my shoes off and Anastasia did the same. I didn't make a move to grab her, I let her decide how much of me she wanted.

"Roll onto your side," she said and I did.

Anastasia carefully inched towards me so her back was flush with my front. I didn't move, this was good, more than I expected. She moved her hand, prodding me and when she found my hand, she grabbed it and brought it over her body. She interlocked our fingers and held our hands against her heart. Fuck, this was good. I waited for her to fall asleep before I snuggled closer and buried my head in her hair.

I woke up and my shoulders were sore. I tried to move, but quickly found that my wrists were secured above my head. I opened my eyes, but I was blindfolded.

"Is this okay?" Anastasia asked.

"Yes," I groaned.

As my brain woke up fully, I could tell that she had undressed me except for my underwear. Shit, I must've been dead to the world for her to do that, it made sense after what I'd been through emotionally.

"Can I see you?" I asked.

There was a pause. "No."

"Please," I whimpered, "just one look and then you can blindfold me again. I won't touch you, I promise. I just want to see you, then I can visualize it properly."

I felt her get off the bed and I thought the worst. Why was I pushing her, especially after yesterday? There was a weird noise I couldn't place and then she was back on the bed. She straddled my legs and sat there.

"Christian," she said softly, "I know this wasn't on the contract, but seeing is a hard limit for me."

But if it wasn't on the contract did that mean her female subs could look at her, but not males? Not me?

"Why?" I asked. Feeling her weight on my legs was delicious. Her skin against mine.

"I can't answer that, baby. Flynn has some ideas, but I don't agree with any of them." Fuck. "When I felt vulnerable in the past, I just blindfolded my subs, I did that more often than not, with you, I want to do it all the time, but as I said, I'm willing to try. Please, just…" she trailed off nervously, "please be kind if anything."

Kind? Why?

Anastasia leaned forward and her long hair brushed against my chest.

"Close your eyes," she said, "and don't open them until I say."

I closed my eyes and she undid the blindfold.

She sat back on my legs and I waited patiently.

"Okay," she said, her voice timid.

I opened my eyes slowly. Anastasia had drawn the curtains closed, but there was a muted glow from the alarm clock by the side of the bed. I looked at her face first, she looked frightful. Fuck, what was I doing? Why couldn't I just accept her for who she was? Why was I pushing her? I dragged my gaze down slowly, she was wearing a black bra and her tits looked amazing, shit, would I get to touch them one day? I hoped so. Her stomach was bare, it was so much new skin I hadn't seen, I was so lucky. She was wearing black panties again and that was it.

"You're beautiful," I said and her face fell.

"No, I'm not."

"Fine," I said, "you're beautiful to me then."

Her face softened out a little. Why was I supposed to be kind again? She was fucking hot. I focused back on her covered boobs, trying to imagine what they looked like bare, what they felt like. It was then that I saw it. She shifted, but the light didn't, and something caught my eye. It was a silvery bit of skin, a round circle, it was a scar. Now that I could see one, I could see many. What were they? Who had hurt her? Could I kill them?

"Christian, please," she said, tears in her eyes.

I looked away abashed. Shit, she told me to be kind and here I was gawking at her scars, my face was probably telling her everything I was thinking.

I tried to sit up, but my hands were still tied. Fuck. I needed to do something, I needed to show her my kindness. I bucked my hips and Anastasia wasn't expecting it. She tumbled forward and caught herself on my chest. The scars were closer and I didn't hesitate, this was what I wanted, I leaned forward and kissed one of the scars. Anastasia hissed in pain, but didn't pull away.

"Again," she said, her voice tight.

I found another scar and kissed it.

"Again."

I repeated the process two more times.

"Enough," she pushed herself away from my mouth.

Her eyes looked wild and wide. Shit, she was turned on.

"I want you," she panted, "but I'm not ready. Not after everything."

"I understand." Now was not the perfect time at all. My dick protested at that, but he needed to shut up.

"Don't worry," she said, "I have a plan and we're both going to enjoy it."

I liked the sound of that. She moved off my hips and pulled my underwear down before untying my hands, I didn't move them. Anastasia climbed back on me, but she was higher up this time and her sex was right above my dick, hovering. I could feel her heat, fuck, that was hot.

"Give me your hands," she said.

I complied and she laced our fingers together, holding on tight. She slowly lowered herself onto me and I hissed, fuck that was good. I could feel her wetness through her panties and I knew it was joining my pre-cum. Fuck. My eyes were firmly on hers, she was so fucking hot. She started moving, slow at first and it was exquisite. The slow pace allowed my mind to wander and I realized this was probably the first time she'd ever done this, I doubt she had grinded on a dildo before, but then again, what did I know? She picked up her speed and I was back with her. I tried to keep my eyes on her, but I couldn't help but admire her body. Her stomach was tight and I thought I could see some abs, but it was too dark, and then her tits were bouncing. Fuck me.

I tilted my head back, closing my eyes, enjoying all the pleasure she was giving me. She started moaning with me. I looked up and saw her back arched and her head thrown backwards. Fuck, what I wouldn't do to grab a hold of her and fuck her senseless, but this was good too. I didn't know if she realized it, but she was doing so well. She was pushing against her barriers for me and it was so fucking hot. She had a breakdown yesterday and now she was the sex goddess I was coming to love. She was amazing.

I looked down at where our bodies were joined and I could see my dick poking out, leaking so much pre-cum. Anastasia was an expert at moving her hips, it was mesmerizing. Our moans became louder, more drawn out and more frequent. Fuck, I was close, too close. I wanted her to cum first, so I worked on steadying myself. It was hard, but I made it another minute.

"Don't," Anastasia panted, "cum for me, baby. I always cum second, I won't cum until you do."

Shit, she tilted forward and rubbed the head of my dick with her clit, this was it. I let my pleasure overtake me. I groaned loudly, thrusting my hips, not holding myself back. Two spurts in and Anastasia came on top of me. Fuck. Her wetness increased around me, basically dripping out of her panties. Shit, if this felt this good I could only imagine what sex would feel like with her, and she had never had a real dick inside her. Fuck, I groaned gutturally as I finished cumming. Shit.

Anastasia stilled on me when she was done and let go of my hands, I let them fall onto the bed.

"That was incredible," I said, still trying to catch my breath. "Thank you."

"For what?" She lifted herself off me and I pouted. She smirked.

"For trusting me so much."

"I'm trying." She smiled sheepishly.

"I can tell." I reached out and grabbed her hand with mine and she didn't object. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," she sighed. "Can I clean you up?"

"Why?" It was out of my mouth before I could process it. Was this because of her past or something else?

"I've always wondered what it tasted like," she whispered, "then at the Heathman, I knew it was my chance." Fuck. "I liked it, more than I thought. It tastes better then female cum that's for sure." Shit.

I waved my hand, too speechless to talk. She smiled her breathtakingly wide smile and leaned down. I rose up on my elbows to watch her. She looked at me guarded before looking away. Watching her lick up my cum was amazing and it felt so good. I groaned. Once she was done, she took the head of my dick in her mouth and cleaned that too.

"I want you to know," she said, head still close to my dick, "I may not have sucked a real dick before, but I know how and I've been told I'm good at it." Fuck. My dick twitched and she smiled. "All in good time, Christian." Fuck that was a delicious promise.

She sat back and I saw the fear flash across her eyes. Shit. I looked to my left and saw my clothes folded neatly on the bedside table. I grabbed my shirt and passed it to her. She looked relieved and she pulled it on.

"Thanks, baby." She ran her hand through my hair. "I'm sorry about yesterday, my demons can be hard to control at times, but I'm glad you've seen that side of me. It makes things easier."

She stood up.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I need to work," she smiled sadly, "and I should probably talk to Taylor, he's never seen me like that before, I think I scared him."

I remembered how shocked he looked, I didn't blame him, I was shocked as well.

"You think you can work from bed?" I asked her.

"I could," she said, "but why would I?"

"Because I'm here."

"Don't you have work as well?"

Shit, what time was my shift today?

I groaned, falling back on the bed. "I can't wait until I move to Seattle."

"Me either, baby," she said. "Now grab a shower, and if you're lucky, I might just give you your shirt back before you leave."

Fuck. "Yes, Sir."


	12. WSU Graduation

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 12**

My mother left me a message saying that she was going to miss my graduation and I breathed a sigh of relief, thank fuck, I didn't want her there.

"What time is Ray coming?" Kate asked.

"I don't know, soon," I said distracted. I couldn't believe that I was graduating today, four long years and the moment was finally here. I'd finished up at Clayton's and that was a tough goodbye, but I was ready to start the next chapter of my life in Seattle.

I hadn't seen Anastasia since her breakdown, but we'd been exchanging text messages. A lot of I-miss-you's from me, her too, but she liked to tease me more than anything and it had my dick constantly hard. I hadn't touched it, as per her request… It had been a long week.

 ** _Anastasia_** _ **:** You better not have underwear on. I expect you to be hard when you walk across the stage and get your diploma from me_

Fuck, I groaned at her message.

"What's wrong?" Kate asked concerned.

"Nothing." I put my phone in the pocket of my dark jeans. I'd dressed up today, somewhat, I had a well-fitted white dress shirt on and a skinny black tie. I hoped Anastasia liked it, but then again I'd be wearing a gown, so it hardly mattered.

There was a knock at the door and I scrambled for the distraction. Ray was standing there in his army uniform, I shook my head, of course.

"What?" he asked. "It's not often I get to wear this, now, if you got married..."

"It's fine, dad."

"So, how'd it go with the girl?" he asked, stepping inside the apartment.

"Good, I'll tell you later." I motioned to Kate and gave him a silent warning. He nodded back.

"Kate, darling, how are you?"

Phew, bullet dodged for now.

We had a quick drink together and then Kate rushed off to get to the ceremony early.

"So?" Ray prompted.

"Thanks for the advice, it really helped."

"You stopped running?" He asked. I nodded my head. "And how are things?"

"Well, they got worse before they got better, but we're good. I understand her more now and I think she's more accepting. I don't know, but it's going good."

"Do I get to meet her today?" Ray asked.

"What?"

"I read the info, she's handing out the degrees, right? Lucky bastard, I had some old guy give me my degree."

"Yeah," I sighed, "she'll be there."

"And you'll introduce me to her?"

"If it happens, then sure, but you better be on your best behavior."

"Me?" he asked. "When am I not?"

I wasn't going to answer that.

We left and Ray drove us. I left him just inside the gym, it was packed and I needed to find my seat. I was wearing my cap and gown with no underwear, I wasn't hard yet, but I figured when I saw Anastasia I could start on that. Plus, the gown was baggy so if I needed to pump myself to get there, I'll do it. Either way, I would be hard by the time I walked across the stage, I couldn't wait. I found my seat, but before I sat down, I turned and tried to find Ray in the crowd. I spotted him way in the back and nodded my head, he nodded back, huge smile on his face. I took my seat and waited for this thing to start.

At eleven, the chancellor appeared from behind the stage, followed by three vice chancellors and then the senior professors. We stood and applauded the teaching staff. Last on stage was Kate and Anastasia, I sucked in a breath, Anastasia was dressed in her usual gray pencil skirt and white blouse, but her wrist drew my attention. I'd never seen her wear jewelry, not a single piece, but around her right wrist was a silver bracelet and from this distance it looked like and reminded me of the handcuffs we used to tie ourselves together. Fuck, she wanted me to know that she was mine and I was hers.

I was already hard, I couldn't help it. My eyes never left hers. She didn't need to search for me, she looked in my direction and her eyes were intense. I had no doubt that she studied the seating plan to know exactly where I'd be sitting. Fuck, I couldn't believe she wanted me. I shifted in my seat and she smirked before looking away. Shit, fuck, damn. It was going to be a long ceremony.

"Look at her," one of the girls in front of me hissed to her friend, "she's so hot. I'd turn gay for her."

"Me too," her friend said.

I knew instantly that they were talking about Anastasia. I felt the jealously rise inside me and I'm not sure if I liked it or not.

"And all that money… I'd do anything."

"Is she single?"

"No," I found myself saying, shit.

"Oh," they turned to face me, "how do you know?"

"I don't," I shrugged, "but I hear she's straight."

"Oh," they said again, their smiles dropping, "that's a shame."

Yes, take that. I smiled proudly and looked up at the stage. Anastasia was watching me and she looked hurt. Fuck, no baby, no. I tried to calm her down with my smile, but I wasn't sure it was working. Thankfully the chancellor got to his feet and Anastasia's penetrating gaze left me. Fuck, she seemed mad.

The chancellor droned on and Anastasia didn't look at me again, not that I expected her to, she was professional if nothing else.

Kate was up next and she wowed the crowd just like I told her she would, and then Anastasia was called. Shit, I didn't know she was going to be giving a speech. She stood behind the lectern and she looked so powerful and fucking hot. We all leaned forward, trying to get closer to her.

"I'm not sure this is an honor I deserve," Anastasia started, commanding the whole crowd, "I quit Harvard before I could graduate, but I commend all of you for sticking it out, it's not an easy task. I have donated money to the farming division here at WSU, but that's not what I want to talk about. The world is a big and scary place and up until this point you've been protected. Joining the professional workforce in your chosen fields will be a shock to your system, but don't let it beat you. None of us know what we're doing, not fully." She smiled and my heart fluttered. "You've just got to make the most of everything, follow your heart, and be willing to change." Her eyes met mine, fuck. "Class of 2011, I expect great things from you, but remember, greatness is only measured within oneself, so go out there and do what you were created for. Thank you."

The crowd erupted in applause and I was probably the first person up on my feet cheering her on. She was so impressive.

The process to get our degrees began and I was glad I didn't have to wait too long. I was hard and fucking nervous. I was about to walk across the stage, as per her instructions, and get my degree.

My name was called and I made my way up to the stage. Fuck, why was I so nervous? Anastasia was looking at me warmly, but she seemed guarded. I wondered if it was because she'd had to shake all these hands, it couldn't be easy on her. I know she said that some touch was easier than others, but it still must take a toll on her mind. I reached her and she held out her hand for me to shake.

"Mr. Grey," she smirked.

Fuck, I couldn't help it, I needed her to know that I followed her instructions. I grabbed Anastasia gently around the waist and picked her up, pushing my hard dick into her leg as I spun her around. The room fell silent. I set her back on her feet and she looked at me surprised with a small smile on her face. I could see no anger, so I decided to push my luck. I bent down and quickly pecked her lips, our first kiss. I pulled back and there was something in her eyes, but I couldn't tell what. The room was still silent, but someone broke it.

"Yeah," they screamed, "that's my boy." Fucking Ray.

I turned and flipped him off.

"Excuse me," the chancellor said, "can we move this along please?"

Well, someone was pissed at me. Anastasia waved him off and leaned forward to whisper in my ear.

"I might need to punish you for that," she said, sickly sweet. Fuck.

I tensed and pulled back, she was smiling and I couldn't see any anger in her eyes. I pushed my luck again.

"Whatever you decide," I shrugged, "it will be worth it."

She handed me my degree and I stepped past her. Fuck, why did I do that? I didn't regret it, I was on such a high right now. The room was still silent, but I didn't fucking care. The next name was called and everything returned to normal. I couldn't keep the grin off my face, I just gave Anastasia her first kiss and she didn't react negatively. There was hope, so much fucking hope for the future.

I went back to my seat and the ceremony took another two hours to conclude. Everyone around me was looking and whispering, but I didn't give a fuck. I was still fucking hard, watching Anastasia like a hawk, but she didn't look my way once.

I was happy when it finally ended, I ripped my gown off immediately. Anastasia left the stage and my phone vibrated immediately.

 _ **Anastasia:** I wasn't joking about that punishment_

 _ **Christian:** I thought you didn't want to hurt me_

 _ **Anastasia:** Who says I have to hurt you to punish you? Are you still hard?_

 _ **Christian:** Yes_

 _ **Anastasia:** Good_

 _ **Christian:** What are you planning?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Let's just say, your graduation gift got a little more interesting_

She got me a gift? Fuck, my dick throbbed.

 _ **Christian:** Can you give me a hint?_

 _ **Anastasia:** No_

Shit, she was doing this on purpose, right? Always a tease, but I loved that about her.

"Chris," my father clapped me on the shoulder, "congratulations."

"Thanks, dad." I put my phone in my pocket. "Sorry the ceremony was so long, I hope you weren't too bored."

"Bored?" He smiled. "That was quite a show you put on, son. I can tell you're madly in love, her too."

"Her?" I questioned. "You think?"

"Yeah, didn't you notice?"

"Notice what?" I asked desperately.

"Before you attacked her." I rolled my eyes at his choice of words. "She was very professional, impassive, intimidating. Afterwards, she was relaxed." How could he see something I didn't? My eyes never left her, but I was blind to it. "It's an army trick," Ray said, "you learn to read people's body language well, it's the difference between life and death on the battlefield."

Oh, so Anastasia did enjoy my attack. I didn't mean to, it wasn't planned, but she was up there, shaking everyone's hands- even though she didn't like to be touched- then the thought of her shaking my hand seemed too impersonal after everything we'd shared, so I attacked her. I smiled at the memory, I would take any punishment she saw fit. I wanted the world to know she was mine and now they did, well everyone attending the WSU graduation knew, or they thought I was some crazed guy. Fuck, I should've thought it through.

"You're in love," Ray said, "I've never seen you smile this much, or obsess this much."

"Do you want me to put you in a headlock? Because I will."

"I'd like to see you try, son." Ray flexed his biceps. It wasn't worth it.

"I'll put fifty on, Christian," Anastasia said and I wanted to groan.

"You may as well hand over your money right now." Ray smiled.

"I wasn't done," she stood by my side, "fifty on Christian to cry and call out mercy within a minute." Ray smiled. "I'm Anastasia Steele."

"Of course, Miss Steele, Christian has moped a lot about you." Fucking Ray. "I'm Raymond Grey, his father."

They shook hands.

"Yes, partly my fault, partly his," Anastasia was charming the pants off him, "thank you for putting him back on the right path."

Ray shrugged. "It's my job. They tell you parenting is only for eighteen years, but it's a lie, it's for life."

His face was grave and Anastasia giggled, fuck, that was hot and sweet. Why could he make her giggle and not me? Ray wrapped his arm around her and Anastasia subtly shrugged his embrace off, it was kind of impressive how good she was at it, but sad too.

"Let me get you a drink, Mr. Grey," she said as an added distraction.

"Call me Ray, Ray Grey."

Shit, she was giggling again. Then another thought hit me, Ray was right, she liked me. My dad was not that funny, she was trying to impress him and me.

"Chris, there you are," Ethan said and I looked up.

"Oh, hey, man, what's up?" I brought Ethan into a man hug. He was Kate's brother and my friend.

"Dude, who was that girl you jumped on stage? She's fucking hot."

I saw Anastasia tense up in front of us, but Ray quickly grabbed her attention with another lame joke. I hit Ethan and he looked at me confused. I motioned to Anastasia and Ray in front of us.

"Oh." Yeah, jerk.

"Go harass Kate," I told him.

"Fine, but I'll see you this weekend, she's enlisted my help for the move."

I smiled. "Good, it'll save me from having to lift all the heavy boxes."

Anastasia handed Ray and me a glass of champagne.

"Aren't you having anything?" I asked, taking a sip.

"Not of this cheap imitation," she said.

I laughed, she was a wine snob, though I guess when you've had the best, the worst was really terrible.

"Chris, where are the restrooms?" Ray asked.

"I don't know," I deadpanned and Ray left us alone.

"So, how mad are you really?" I asked quietly.

"That depends," Anastasia said, "how do you feel about spanking?"

I sucked in a breath. Fuck, yes. She didn't even need my answer as my reaction told her everything. She smirked.

"Excuse me, Miss Steele," someone said, "can I get a photo of you please?"

"Sure." Anastasia wrapped her arm around my waist and pulled me close.

Fuck, this felt major. The photographer clicked so fast, there had to be at least thirty photos of us taken in such a short span of time.

"Thank you, Miss Steele," the photographer bumbled, he was on cloud nine. He quickly scurried away.

"What was that?" I asked.

"If you get to tell everyone here today that you're mine, then it's only fair that I get to tell the rest of Washington state that you're mine."

Fuck, I liked the sound of that so much.

"What's my punishment?" I asked. "Because I'm so fucking hard for you right now and my dick's rubbing against the denim of my jeans."

Her eyes glinted and she smiled mischievously.

"Patience, Christian, your father is still here, we're celebrating you."

Fuck, fine.

"I see you're not above charming the pants off my father," I said and she frowned.

"I don't want in his pants."

Shit. "It's an expression."

"I just appreciate what he did for us, that's all," she said. "Plus, you two seem close. Where's your mother?"

"Umm," I faltered, shit, "hard limit," I whispered, using a language I knew Anastasia understood.

She nodded her head and we moved on. Thank fuck. I wasn't ready to tell her about Carla yet.

"Nice cuff." I grabbed her hand gently and rubbed my thumb over her thick bracelet, being this close to it, I could see its resemblance to a handcuff even more.

Anastasia blushed and it was beautiful. "This was how I was telling the world you were mine and I was yours," she said quietly, "that we're in it together, but then you…" she trailed off.

"Are you really angry at what I did?" I asked. "I only did it, as you said, to show the world you're mine."

"I'm not angry," she sighed, "I'm confused."

She looked lost again, shit, what could I do? Where was Ray?

"This is all new to me," she offered me more, "I liked it and I don't know what that means."

"Please don't overthink this," I told her.

She nodded her head. "I like your outfit," she grabbed my tie and pulled it, "you should dress up more often. Perhaps one day soon I can get you into a suit or a tux."

Shit, a wedding? Fuck, it was way too early for that.

"I don't know what you're thinking, Christian," she said, her voice tight, "but I was talking about taking you to the many formal business functions I'm forced to attend."

Okay, I overreacted, but shit, that didn't sound much better. Formal business functions, boring, but with Anastasia, maybe they'd be okay.

"I want more," Anastasia said suddenly.

"What?" I asked.

"I don't know." Her gaze dropped to the ground before she looked back at me. "I don't know what that means. I… I want to hug you right now, but I'm afraid. …Granted part of the reason I want to hug you is so I can rub your dick, but still…"

Fuck, I hissed. A hug and she'd rub my dick? Fuck me. I didn't care that we were surrounded by people, I wanted it, so much.

"Do it," I said and it looked like she was contemplating it.

"Fucking lines," Ray came back over to us and the moment was gone. "Are we still going for lunch?" he asked. "Is Anastasia coming too?"

Oh, I wish she was cumming too, and me, right now. Fuck.

"Can I talk to you for a moment," I asked Ray, pulling him away from Anastasia.

"What?" he grumbled.

"You're really fucking cock blocking me right now, dad."

"Hey, watch your language." Was he serious?

"Thanks for being here, dad," I said, "I really appreciate it, but you can go home now."

"But I wanted a free lunch."

"Dad, I swear to god, if you ruin this for me."

"Okay, Chris, but you have to come to Montesano and be my wingman in return."

I groaned and he smiled. Being my dad's wingman was the worst, his jokes weren't only terrible but dirty too. Fuck.

"Fine, I agree."

"Pleasure doing business with you, son."

He followed me back over to Anastasia. "What are you doing?" I hissed, but he didn't reply.

"Anastasia, I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling well," Ray said, coughing weakly. Fucking hell. "I must go, but we should all meet up again soon for lunch."

"Bye, Ray," she said. "Please drive safe."

Ray left and Anastasia smirked at me. "You really should treat your dad better," she said, if only she knew what I had to agree to, "but okay, I can work with this. Are you ready for your graduation gift?"

Fuck. "Yes."

"Don't be so eager, I have to punish you as well now. I had everything planned out, but now…" She was smiling, so I wasn't too worried. "Come," she grabbed my hand and pulled me away, "we're going to the Heathman."

Fuck me, please.


	13. Graduation Gift

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 13**

"This is the same suite as last time." I smiled as we walked into Anastasia's room at the Heathman.

"Of course, they leave it open for me."

"I guess this will be the last time we use it." I was going to miss it.

"Unless you come with me when I have to visit WSU," she said.

That could be fun.

"I know you told my mom," Anastasia said, "but what are your plans now that you've graduated?" She walked into the kitchen and poured us some wine.

"I've got a couple of interviews for internships at publishing firms in Seattle lined up." I sighed and sat on the couch.

"What's the matter?" Anastasia sat next to me and handed me my drink.

"I don't know, I feel like we're just getting started and I selfishly want to spend all my time with you, become your sex slave." Shit, where was my filter?

"That could be arranged," she smiled, "but it won't be worth it."

"What do you mean?"

"I work for a living, Christian, I can't very well leave you tied up in Escala for eight plus hours five days a week. I think you should get out there and at least try. If you find publishing isn't for you, then you can become my slave while you reassess your life."

"Well," I said dryly, "as long as we have a plan."

"You need to relax," she set her wine glass on the coffee table, "we'll have plenty of time, nights, weekends, sick days. We'll make this work. Plus, you'll be in Seattle, so late night booty calls are also an option."

She seemed so confident that things wouldn't change and that they'd get better.

"What if you change your mind?" I asked. I knew it was silly, but it was something I couldn't shake. I was the first male she had been attracted to, the door was open now, so surely she'd start noticing other guys, guys more accomplished than me.

"Baby," she purred, "I'm never going to let you go. The question here is, when are you going to leave me?"

Shit, why did I bring this up?

I reached out and touched her bracelet. "Just handcuff us together," I said, "then neither of us can leave."

"Speaking of that," she said, suddenly nervous, "I'm not sure how you feel about this, and it's not your graduation gift, but how do you feel about wearing something that brands you to me."

Shit, that was hot.

"Like a collar?" I asked.

"No," she laughed, "I was thinking more along the lines of a cuff, but if willing, something similar to this." She motioned to her wrist. Fuck, matching handcuff bracelets, where did I sign?

"I'm all for that," I panted and she smiled her breathtaking smile.

"Cool." Cool? Her choice of wording was so unlike her. "Maybe we can pick it out soon, or get something more fitting for both of us, get it engraved."

Yes, yes, yes.

"Sounds good," came my lame reply, but she didn't seem to care.

"I want to try something." Anastasia grabbed my glass and sat it on the coffee table next to hers. "Yet again, this isn't your gift. If anything it's a gift for me."

Fuck.

Anastasia stood up and I watched her curiously.

"Lay across the length of the couch, rest your head on the armrest," she said and I quickly complied. "You know," she smiled, "you're so good at following my commands, it's good, but I hope one day you'll resist at least a little bit." Oh, fuck yeah, I could do that. "Not today," she said, "I need you to follow everything perfectly, any rule breaking and you'll get your punishment and nothing else. Understand?"

"Yes, Sir."

"It's still Ana," she corrected me.

"Yes, Ana." What was she planning?

"Close your eyes, Christian." I did and she straddled my hips, sitting right in front of my dick. "Please don't open them or this night will stop, don't move either. No hip thrusting, nothing."

"Please, Ana."

"Hold still, baby." She shifted on me and I could feel her hair against my neck. What was she doing? Her lips touched mine gently and I groaned, fuck, was this really happening?

"Wait," I said, eyes still closed. She pulled back.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concerned.

"Can I move my lips?" If she was going to kiss me then I was going to kiss her back, but I didn't want to do anything that might cut this night short.

"Yes, Christian, thank you for asking."

She shifted again and her lips were back on mine, barely, but I didn't care. I knew this was a big step for her and I was willing to let her set the pace, not that I could do anything about it. I pecked her back, just as gently, they were like soft caresses, but I wanted more. I wanted to buck my hips and get her mouth to fall onto mine, but it wasn't worth it. I wanted my gift so badly, my punishment too.

Anastasia added more pressure and it was exquisite. I matched her. We were basically making out, closed mouth, but that was it. No grinding, no nothing. It wasn't enough. Steady, I needed to stay steady. We kept kissing, but it wasn't enough. "More," I groaned and she pulled back. Fuck, why did I say that?

"Okay," she said, her voice shaky. Shit, okay? "I'm trusting you, Christian." What? "Take control, take it slow. I've never done this before." Shit, yes.

Anastasia rested her lips on mine again and I didn't hesitate. I started kissing her at a faster pace. I ran my tongue along her bottom lip. She didn't grant me entrance, so I tried again. This time she opened her mouth, but only barely. I didn't care. I pushed my tongue into her mouth, touching hers lightly. She touched mine back, but then she was gone.

"Yellow," she whispered.

I nodded my head, eyes still closed, trying to catch my breath.

"Again," she said and I started slow, getting us back up to the same point.

Anastasia opened her mouth wider this time and I stroked her tongue with mine, groaning. This was so hot. I could hardly believe that I was her first kiss, and this wasn't my gift? Fuck. Anastasia moved her hands to my shoulders and took over the pace, I let her. She was picking this up quickly, though I suspect it was a fairly uncomplicated task compared to some of the things she knew sexually. She was kissing me as good as I expected from someone new, it was slightly awkward, but still good. Then suddenly she pulled away.

"Red." She sat back on my hips, her hands leaving my shoulders.

I opened my eyes and looked at her in wonder. She was looking at me, panting softly, face flushed. She appeared to be happy with herself, but also disgusted? I wasn't sure.

"You know," I started slowly, "that can be my gift, that was amazing."

"You enjoyed it?" she asked.

"Well, yeah. It wasn't mind blowing," I told her truthfully, "but first kisses never are. We'll get there, baby. Did it feel good to you? How are you doing? I don't want you to push yourself too far."

"It was good," she said, her hand coming up to her lips, "kinda wet, but that makes sense. I don't know. Why do people even kiss?"

I didn't have an answer for her. "If you don't like it, we don't have to do it," I said, "or some people just kiss closed mouth. There's options, Ana."

She nodded her head, clearly thinking about it.

"Let's have some more wine." She refilled our glasses and we drank them, then she filled mine back up.

"I'm going to get changed," she said, "drink up, I want you loose for your punishment."

Fuck, this was it. She left the room and I slowly downed my third glass of wine. It gave me a nice buzz. When Anastasia entered the room she was dressed in her domme outfit. Black everything- heels, stockings, panties and she was even wearing a bra this time, showing me way more skin then usual. Fuck, she was hot.

"Have you ever been spanked before?" she asked and I shook my head no. "Not even as a child?"

"No," I panted, "Ray's my stepdad so he was always respectful and my mother… she… she never spanked me."

Something flashed across Anastasia's face, but it was gone just as quick.

She bent down, wrapping her hand around my skinny black tie, pulling me up so I was standing. Ooh, head rush. I swayed on my feet.

"No more wine for you," she said. "Can I undress you, Christian?"

"Yes, Sir."

She smirked and I watched as she deftly untied my tie and pulled it from my collar agonizingly slow. Then she pulled my shirt from my pants, undoing the buttons, not touching me, and sliding it off my shoulders. She folded it and put it on the coffee table.

"Why do you fold my clothes?" I asked.

"Baby, remember the rules," she said. Shit, what were they again? Limit my talking, right. I nodded my head.

She undid my belt and pulled it through the loops. She examined it, cracking the end on her hand. I wondered what was going through her mind. "Maybe next time," she said, "or later, depending on how well you're behaving."

Oh fuck, I groaned. The thought of her hitting me with my own belt went straight to my dick. She set it on the coffee table and undid the button on my jeans. She pulled the zip down slowly, her knuckles running the length of my hard dick. Once my fly was open she could see that I had no underwear on, as per her request, and she smiled, pulling my jeans down. I stepped out of them and she folded them, sitting them on my shirt.

"Turn around," she said. I did. "Put your hands together at the base of your back." I could feel my tie against my skin. She tied it to one wrist and then looped it around the other, so I was secured tightly. Shit, she was about to spank me.

Anastasia pushed me out of the way and sat on the middle of the couch. "Stand here." She pointed to the spot next to her legs. Fuck, would I like this? "Remember your safe words," she said. I nodded my head. "Lower yourself onto my legs slowly."

I did as she said, making sure my dick didn't get caught up. When I settled, Anastasia grabbed my wrists, holding me in place.

"I want you to count these out loud," she said. "I'll only be using my hand and there will be ten. We will pause at five before continuing on. You can move as much as you want, but if you cum, the night is over. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Use your safe words, baby," she said softly, "even if you just need a small break, I won't be mad."

I nodded my head. She started off by caressing my ass and it felt so good. No one had really touched me there before, just me, but I spent most of my time experimenting with trying to find my prostate rather than caressing my ass. Her hand left me and I pouted, forgetting why we were here. Her hand came down, cracking against my skin. Shit, that was harder than I expected.

"One," I groaned as the pain settled and the stinging remained.

The next one was harder. "Two."

"Th-three." I started shifting. Every hit forced my dick against her soft thighs and it was a good distraction.

"Four," I panted. Shit, we weren't even halfway there yet. The pain was tolerable, but getting worse.

"Five," I screamed, wanting release and thankful for the break.

"You're doing so well, baby." She started caressing my ass again. "Do you think you can handle a bit more?"

More? Fuck, how hard could she hit?

"Yellow?" I said, but it came out as a question.

"Lift your hips," I did as she said and she shifted her legs underneath me, "back down."

I settled back on her thighs and my dick was now pointing downwards between her thighs. She shifted again so her inner thighs gripped my dick lightly. Shit, this was going to make me cum.

"Do you want to try harder?" She asked again. "You only have to say yellow if it's too much and I will back off."

Could I do this? She said she couldn't hurt me and she wasn't, well, she was, but it was bearable and it was supposed to be a punishment. My dick was still hard, I was enjoying it. Fuck.

"Okay," I said.

"Keep counting," she said, still caressing my ass, "and don't cum."

Shit, I was so screwed.

Her next spank came and I noticed it wasn't harder than number five, but maybe that was coming. The action forced my dick downwards between her thighs and my reaction had my hips rising off her, trying to get away, pulling my dick upwards. Fuck, her thighs were pumping me. I wasn't going to make it.

"Steady," she said.

Steady? Fucking steady? Fuck that shit, I couldn't calm myself down.

Her hand cracked down again and I realized I didn't call out the previous number. Shit.

"Six," I groaned. Fuck, now I had to go through an extra one. I needed to pay more attention.

"Seven." This one was harder and it made me shift up, pulling my dick against her thighs, and then when I relaxed, I pushed it back down. Fuck, hurry up and finish.

"Eight," I screamed. It was the hardest one yet and I was glad it snapped me away from the pleasure as I could only focus on the pain. Fuck, that hurt. Two more.

Her hand came down, same force as eight, I was more prepared for it, but I still screamed. "Nine."

One more, one more, I was panting and I could feel myself leaking pre-cum. I wasn't going to make it.

Her hand came down. "Ten," I said through gritted teeth. Fuck, that was hard. How did all the other ones seem soft compared to the last one? My hips shot up before crashing down. Shit, this was it, I couldn't hold on any longer, but I didn't want to disappoint her.

"Cum for me," she said and I wanted to cry.

I buried my dick completely in her thighs and let go, letting my dick do all the work on its own. I was too far gone to pump myself between her thighs even though I wanted to. My cum stopped and I was spent, fuck, that was intense. Anastasia let me go and I slid to the ground, too fucked up to move. Why was I shaking? I hadn't felt like this since I was a teenager.

"Lay on the couch," she said, getting up. How the fuck was I supposed to do that? "Now, Christian."

She left the room and I shakily got on my knees before pulling myself onto the couch and laying down on my front. Ah, that was better, the couch was soft against my tired body. Anastasia came back over and started rubbing cream onto my sore ass. I hissed before settling down. Fuck.

My thoughts were a mess. I always viewed spanking as a punishment for an errant child, so why did it turn me on so much? I figured it had to do with the pleasure and pain aspect. They always said it was a thin line between the two and although Anastasia crossed it into pain, she let me cum, which was my pleasure. Shit, why was I thinking about this when she was rubbing my ass?

Her hands felt so good and the cream was cooling, soothing. Hmm, that felt nice. She finished and I missed her touch.

"Turn onto your side," she said and I did.

I gazed up her in wonder, she knew so much that I didn't.

"Are you okay?" she asked, "Did I go too far? You didn't safe word."

"It was…" I trailed off, "new, brutal, intense, hot. I think I liked it." Shit, I wasn't reassuring her.

"What do you think about using a belt or some other kind of instrument now you've experienced your first spanking?"

Shit, that was a heavy question.

"I don't know," I said. "I think I want to try, but maybe not as a punishment." she was confused. "Ten is a lot," I said and she looked at me like I was insane, shit, how many times did she get hit at once? "I think I could handle maybe three with the belt."

She nodded her head. "We can discuss it at another time, once you've had time to reflect on this experience."

That sounded good to me.

"Now, are you ready for your graduation gift?"

Shit, yes. I sat up on the couch, my ass smarted, but I didn't care. I leaned forward eagerly and she laughed, oh shit, what was it?

"Is it a new car?" I asked. Shit.

"No," she smiled, "but I can get you one if you want."

"Yes, please." My Beetle was on its last legs and a new car was so shiny. Fuck, that was my only guess, it was a standard graduation gift. If not a car, then what?

"Close your eyes," she purred and I did.

I heard her move away from me and I wondered what it was. My mind was thinking of all the things she could give me, money was no option here, so the list was endless.

"Okay," she said, "open your eyes."

My eyes shot open and my mouth fell in shock. Shit, no fucking way.

"Do you like it?" she asked shyly.

Fuck, yes. I didn't think I could talk right now. My gift… Fuck. Anastasia was standing in front of me, completely nude. She was letting me see all of her. Fuck, she was so hot and mine. This was the best gift ever, forget all that material crap I was imagining. I didn't know where to look. Her tits looked amazing and I could tell she was turned on because her nipples were hard. Fuck, I wanted to suck them. Then, her pubic hair was trimmed short, fuck.

"Christian," she said softly, looking down, "do you like it?"

"Fuck," I groaned. Shit, thankfully Anastasia decided not to focus on my slip up. "You're amazing," I said, "this is way better than a car."

"This is still hard for me," she said. She was on the other side of the coffee table, keeping her distance from me, but I didn't care. "I wanted to try for you, I know how much you like to visualize, so hopefully this will help you in the meantime, until I'm ready."

Shit, yes, it would. How the fuck did I get so lucky? Anastasia was determined to crush her demons to please me. She was so brave. I just hoped she wasn't pushing herself too far, I didn't want her to have a relapse or something. Her gaze dropped to my lap and I looked too, my dick was rock hard again, she smirked.

"Touch yourself for me." Shit. "While you look at me." Fuck.

I didn't need to be told twice. My hand went straight to my dick, pumping it as hard and fast as I could. I expected Anastasia to tell me to steady myself, but she didn't and the longer I took the more I could see her discomfort. Shit, I needed to cum fast. It took a bit longer seeing as I just came, but I kept my eyes trained on her body, committing it all to memory. When I came, my head fell back as I groaned lowly. Fuck, that was good. When I opened my eyes, Anastasia had a black silk robe on, covering herself up, but I didn't fucking care. Best graduation gift ever.


	14. Steele International

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 14**

 _ **Anastasia:** How's the move going?_

 _ **Christian:** Slowly, how's work?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Tedious_

 _ **Christian:** Want to help me move?_

 _ **Anastasia:** No_

 _ **Christian:** When do I get my car?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Why?_

 _ **Christian:** Because this is what I'm working with. It has zero room to carry my stuff_

I sent Anastasia a photo of my Beetle.

 _ **Anastasia:** That's your car? No wonder you want a new one. I can send Taylor with one of mine if you want_

Maybe Anastasia had more money than sense.

 _ **Christian:** No, it's cool. Ethan has a truck_

 _ **Anastasia:** Kate's brother?_

 _ **Christian:** Yeah, he's been helping us all weekend_

 _ **Anastasia:** I know, you left me alone. Please tell me you're almost done_

 _ **Christian:** We're on the last of it now_

 _ **Anastasia:** Good. I've got a meeting, I'll talk to you later. Drive safe, Christian_

 ** _Christian:_** _I will_

"Are you ever going to help?" Ethan asked, throwing a couch cushion at me.

"I'm sorry I was talking to my girlfriend," I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, sure," Ethan replied, "we all know you're not good enough to capture Anastasia Steele's attention, so tell me, what dirt do you have on her?"

"Oh, you don't want to know. Let's get the truck loaded, I want to surprise her at work."

"You're going to surprise her?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" I asked.

"Are you going to change clothes first?"

I looked down at my outfit, I was wearing a pair of ripped up blue jeans and a tight fitting white t-shirt.

"What's wrong with this?" I asked. "Anastasia doesn't care about those kinds of things."

"She's the CEO, I've been in that building, it's completely professional."

"So?" I said. "Surely this is a perk of dating her."

"You're really dating her?" he asked.

"Yeah, I mean, we haven't discussed terminology, but I'd say yes."

"You're such an idiot," Ethan laughed, "I bet she only likes you as a friend."

"And you're a jerk, just like your sister."

"Watch it, Chris."

I threw the couch cushion back at him. We got the rest of the stuff packed up in the truck and I locked the door for the final time. The drive to Seattle was long, but I reveled in the fact that it would be the last time I'd have to make it. Moving was a bitch, we were supposed to be finished Sunday morning, but it took way longer than expected. The night of my graduation, Anastasia and I had stopped playing after I saw her naked. She needed to get back to Seattle, so she dropped me off to my apartment in Vancouver on the way. The only contact we'd had since was messages. It was good, but I couldn't wait to be living in Seattle.

Unloading the truck sucked even more. I helped Ethan, but we just dumped everything in the living room. It took many trips and I was drenched in sweat by the time we were finished.

"See ya." I headed for the door.

"You're really not going to change first?" Ethan asked. "You've literally got dirt on your face."

I rubbed my face, I didn't care.

"Kate," Ethan yelled, "come out here."

"What?" she asked.

"Tell Chris he can't go into Steele International dressed like that."

"Look," I said, "I appreciate your concern, but I know what I'm doing here."

"I'm with Ethan," Kate said, "grab a shower and get changed, she'll appreciate it more."

"I'm not listening to either of you," I told them. I grabbed my keys to my Beetle and left the apartment. I knew what Anastasia liked, not them.

The drive to Steele International was shorter than I expected, but it took a while to find a park. When I entered the building, I noted that it wasn't as intimidating this time. I headed straight for the elevators, hitting the button for the twentieth floor. The doors opened and suddenly I felt under-dressed, shit, maybe I should've listened to them. I walked over to the reception area and the two blondes turned up their noses at me, fuck them.

"I'm here to see Anastasia Steele."

"I'm sorry, but Miss Steele is in a meeting," one of them said.

"Okay, I'll wait then."

"The meeting is going to take the rest of the day."

Seriously? They were cock blocking me, or office blocking, I don't know, but they were definitely blocking me.

"You're really not going to tell her I'm here?" I asked.

"I'm sorry…" she trailed off.

"Chris Grey," I supplied.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Grey, but there's nothing we can do."

"Okay." I pulled out my phone and leaned back against their high desk. I brought up Anastasia's number and typed out my message, but I didn't hit send.

 _ **Christian:** Your assistants or whatever are being huge pains in the ASS right now. You should fire them_

"I guess I'll just send her this message then." I showed it to the two blondes.

"You're bluffing," the other one said.

"Do you want to take the risk?" I asked and she crumbled.

"Fine." She grabbed the phone, dialing the number. "Miss Steele, I have a Chris-" She said no more and I looked at her confused. "She hung up on me." The blonde seemed to be in shock.

"I think you should leave, Mr. Grey," the other blonde said, "if you don't go willingly we'll call security."

Fuck, what was their problem? Though I guess I should be thankful they didn't just let anyone see Anastasia.

"Christian." Finally. I turned and Anastasia was there. I smiled at her before turning back to the blondes.

"Whoops," I said, sending the message to Anastasia, "my finger slipped."

Their faces dropped and I laughed.

"What are you doing here?" Anastasia asked as I walked over to her.

"Just wanted to see you," I said and she smiled.

"Okay, come to my office."

I turned back one last time to smile and glare at the blondes, take that.

"Did you see this yet?" Anastasia asked, handing me the Seattle Times and sitting behind her desk. "Page nine."

I flipped it open as I sat opposite her. There, on page nine, was a picture of me and her from my graduation. The caption read: _Miss Anastasia Steele and friend at WSU graduation_.

"Friend?" I questioned, I didn't like that at all.

"Don't worry," she smiled, "I'm getting them to print a retraction."

"And what are they replacing it with?" I leaned forward in my seat.

"Boyfriend," she said and a look of worry crossed her face.

"Good, I told Ethan you were my girlfriend today, he didn't believe me, but that hardly matters."

"I don't know if I can be your girlfriend, Christian," she admitted, "I've never been one before."

"There's no handbook," I sighed, "relationships come in many different forms, Ana, all that matters is that we're comfortable and happy with everything."

She looked thoughtful, then her phone rang. "Steele," she snapped. Shit, I was so glad she wasn't like that with me. "Yes, I understand, give me one minute, Andrea." Anastasia put the phone down. "I need to take this call, do you…" She trailed off.

"Is it cool if I take a look around?" I asked and she looked at me surprised.

"Of course, Christian, just wear this." She grabbed something out of her drawer and wrote on it before handing it to me.

It was a lanyard with visitor written on it, but on the back she had written ' _Miss Steele's boyfriend_ ' in permanent marker. I pulled it over my head with a huge smile on my face.

"We really need to get our matching bracelets," I joked.

"Yes, we do." She was so serious and her gaze burned into mine. Her phone rang and I made my move to leave. "Come back by before you leave, don't worry about knocking."

"Yes, sir." I left her to her phone call and decided to head back over to the front desk first. I wanted to antagonize the blondes some more.

"Can I get you something, Mr. Grey?" the less annoying one asked.

"No, thanks. Who are you?"

"Andrea, Miss Steele's personal assistant."

Oh, so she was important. "Please call me Chris, Andrea. Do you have time to give me a tour?"

"Not really, but I can get Olivia to." She pointed to the other blonde, oh, god no.

"I'll be fine," I said, "Ana gave me this." I showed her my visitor card and she didn't seem impressed. I turned it over and both their mouths fell open. That's right, she was my girlfriend and she wasn't gay. I was going to tell anyone and everyone I passed on my tour. Well, maybe. "You got a map or something?"

"I've got the emergency evacuation plan." Andrea handed it to me and I smiled, it had all the rooms clearly marked.

I studied the map and decided to head for the kitchen first, surely that would be the place where everyone would be the most relaxed. It wasn't hard to find and the moment I stepped in, all eyes were on me.

"Can I help you?" one of the women asked. "Are you here to fix something?"

"No." I opened the fridge and grabbed the milk out, ready to make a coffee. Maybe I should make one for Anastasia as well. Shit, does she drink coffee in the afternoon? I had no idea. Oh, well, one won't hurt her. "Where are the cups?" I asked.

All eyes were still on me and I noticed that there were three women and one guy. I had no doubt that Anastasia chose to hire females over males. Someone pointed to the cupboard and I got the cups out. The coffee pot was empty, so I set off a fresh batch and turned to face the others.

"Who are you?" one of them bravely asked.

"Visitor," I said, showing them my card. "That Miss Steele is intense, right?"

They regarded me for a moment before one of the women cracked.

"Yeah, don't get on her bad side, she has a mean streak."

"That's kind of hot," I said and they shared a secret look with each other. "What?" I asked.

"Oh, she's... Miss Steele is gay."

"Really?" I asked. "I heard she's straight."

"We don't think so, we've actually got an office pool going on." Shit, that was cold.

"Interesting." I turned back to the coffee pot, but it wasn't done yet. "Did you see the Times today, she's in there with some guy, they looked cozy."

"Maybe he's her beard," one of the women said. I noticed the guy hadn't uttered a word.

"What's your deal?" I asked him.

"I'm just lucky to work here," he said and the women giggled.

"Miss Steele prefers females, like we said."

Fuck, Anastasia's employees were the worst, but maybe it was just because I cared about her too much and wanted to protect her.

"Patrick only got the job because it's back of house."

"What about that Taylor guy?" I asked. "He's male."

"Yeah, well you can't very well have a security woman… That came out wrong, you can, but not if you want to fuck them. The turnover would be horrendous."

"So, Miss Steele's fucks her female employees then?" I asked.

"Of course not," one of the women said.

"I wish," another sighed.

The coffee was done and I poured it into the two cups, getting them both ready.

"So, what are you here for?" they asked me.

"Don't know," I shrugged, I didn't want to blow my cover now.

"Christian, there you are," Anastasia said, her voice hard.

Everyone cowered away from her. I bet she didn't even use the kitchen, this was her employees safe haven from her.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Making you a coffee."

I could hear at least one gasp and I smiled.

"Thank you," Anastasia said, "but I don't drink coffee this late in the day. Come, I've got a bit of time before my next meeting."

Anastasia left and I looked at the shocked employees. "What?" I asked them. "You may think she's a hard ass, but she's my hard ass." That felt good. "Spread the word she's taken and that she definitely isn't gay and never has been."

Two of the women nodded their heads numbly. I grabbed my coffee and found my way back to Anastasia's office. The moment I closed her door, she was on me. She spilled my coffee all over my white shirt, it burned my skin, but I was momentarily distracted. Her lips were on mine, she was ravaging me, and her hands quickly followed. I didn't touch her, but I kissed her back with everything she was giving me. Her hands ran down my chest and I groaned slightly in pain. Fuck yes. She pulled back, trying to catch her breath, her eyes were wild. Fuck that was hot.

As she stepped away, reality stepped back in and I hissed in pain. I pulled my shirt away from my body, fuck it stung.

"Shit, baby," she said, pulling my shirt off, "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," I gritted out. My shirt was off and a lot of my chest was tinted pink. It was burnt, but it didn't look too bad.

Anastasia couldn't take her eyes off me. She stepped back until she hit the armchair and she collapsed in it. Her head dropped into her hands and I could hear her crying. Fuck, what was I supposed to do? I walked over and knelt in front of her.

"It's okay," I said soothingly, "I'm okay, you didn't hurt me, it was an accident."

Her crying didn't die down and then she started hyperventilating. Fuck, what was going on? Was she relieving a memory? How could I help her?

"Ana, baby, please, you're scaring me. I'm okay. Look at me please. …Ana, now," I hardened my voice and that seemed to work. She lifted her head, her red eyes finding mine. "I'm okay," I said, "accidents happen. I don't blame you."

She pushed me back so that she could look at my chest. I could tell that she blamed herself and I hated it. She ran her fingers over my red skin and I hissed. Her face dropped.

"No, stay with me, baby, stay with me." I grabbed her hands in mine, trying to keep her with me. She nodded her head and a moment later all negativity was gone and it was replaced with CEO Anastasia.

She stood up, grabbing my hand and pulling me over to a door. It was her private bathroom and it was fully equipped. She started filling the bath with cold water.

"Strip," she said softly. Fuck, this wasn't how this visit was supposed to go. I didn't hesitate though because my skin felt like it was still burning.

I kicked off my shoes, socks and jeans, but kept my underwear on. Anastasia left me and I could hear her talking to someone, but not well enough. I hopped into the bath, shit, it was cold. I settled down and as the cold water hit my chest, it was soothing. Mmm. I rested my neck on the bath and closed my eyes. Anastasia came back and ran her fingers through my hair. I looked at her, smiling slightly.

"I really am okay," I said, "thank you for looking after me."

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Christian." Her voice was so soft.

"It was an accident," I said firmly. "I was the idiot with the coffee. That kiss was hot by the way." Shit, hot? Wrong wording there, but it was too late to take it back.

Her phone rang and she sighed. "Stay here," she warned. I nodded my head.

"What is it Andrea," I heard her snap. I closed my eyes and smiled. "I told you to hold all calls... My mother… Okay, yeah, put her through… Yes, I'm sure… Hey, mom... Everything's good… Can I ask you a question?... One of my employees spilled some coffee on themselves and now their skin is red, do we just run it under cold water… Yes… No… I don't think so… I can do that… You're sure… Okay, thank you… I am, mom… I'm sorry. I'll call you later… I promise… Goodbye." I heard her soft sigh from here.

"Are you okay in there, Christian?" she called out. Shit, she was avoiding me, that couldn't be good.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Taylor, I need the items ASAP, I'll message you the details. Please knock before you enter."

She was so brisk on the phone. I heard her tapping away on the computer next, fuck this. I let out a small groan and a second later she was by my side.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said, "I just missed you." I saw the anger flash across her face, but then she calmed down, running her hand through my hair again.

"I'm sorry, baby."

I decided not to say anything. Ten minutes later there was a knock at the door. Anastasia got up and pulled the bathroom door shut, but not entirely.

"Will that be all, Miss Steele?" Taylor asked.

"Yes, thank you, Taylor."

Anastasia returned. "It's been twenty minutes, you can get out of the water now."

I nodded and stood up. My underwear was stuck to me and I pulled it away, but it just clung straight back, fuck that. Anastasia watched me with a small smile on her face.

"Here," she said, holding up some cling wrap, "Mom says this will help ease any discomfort, plus I have painkillers."

I stepped out of the bath and she carefully put the piece of cling wrap on my fairly large burn, thankfully it was just red and not blistering.

"Taylor got you a new shirt," she said, walking back into her office. I stayed in the bathroom. "I got him to get it extra small so it will hold the cling wrap in place."

She handed it to me and I was thankful to see that it was a plain white t-shirt, like the one I was wearing. I struggled to pull it on and Anastasia helped me, carefully pulling it down to cover my burn. I could tell she was still blaming herself, but I didn't know what to do about it.

"Did you get me any underwear?" I asked.

"No," she smiled, "you can just take them off." Fuck, I wished I was in the mood for her games right now, but I wasn't.

I shook my head and pulled my jeans on before doing the same with my socks and shoes. I entered her office and she handed me two pills and a glass of water. I downed them.

"You're being quiet," she said, keeping her distance physically.

I didn't know what to say, I didn't want to make things worse.

"I think I'm just going to head home," I said and she smiled sadly. "I just want to lay down and get some rest."

"Can I see you after work?" she asked. "Check that you're okay?"

"I don't know," I said and her face fell. Shit, what was I doing? She had been nothing but kind to me, what was going on in my head? Why was I feeling this way? Shit. "Text me." I smiled, but even I could feel it was forced. Maybe I just needed time to think.

I left her office and it was the hardest thing I've had to do, she didn't stop me. I didn't even antagonize the blondes on the way out. Fuck, what was going on? I entered the lobby and saw Taylor there. I nodded my head in thanks and he nodded back. I made it to my Beetle and dropped the keys, shit. I grabbed them and unlocked the door. I breathed a sigh of relief when I was in the car. My chest was hurting and I couldn't wait to get home and take another cool bath. I pulled away from the curb and tried and find my way back to my new apartment.

Everything was going fine, I was a little unfocused, but that was all. I couldn't work out why I was so cold to Anastasia. I lost vision for a millisecond, but it came back. What was that? I dismissed it and continued on my way. I saw the red light up ahead and slowed down, but then it turned green. I hit the gas. I don't know what happened, but I blacked out for longer this time, shit, and when I opened my eyes there was a black car in front of me and I knew I was done for. The impact was loud and I was forced forward in my seat. My head cracked against the steering wheel and my vision became blurry. Shit, what was happening? Why did I black out? Did I hit something? Did someone hit me?

"Mr. Grey, Mr. Grey." Was that Taylor? I had no idea, I was completely out of it. I rested my head on the steering wheel and closed my eyes.


	15. Anastasia's POV

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 15**

 _Anastasia's POV_

I entered the bathroom and Christian was still fully submerged.

"It's been twenty minutes," I told him, "you can get out of the water now."

He stood and his underwear left nothing to the imagination. Oh, how I wanted to let go of all my demons and feel him, all of him. I smiled as he tried to pull his underwear away, it was a futile task.

"Here." I held up a piece of cling wrap. "Mom says this will help ease any discomfort, plus I have painkillers."

Christian stepped out of the bath and I gently put the piece of cling wrap on his chest, his lovely well-defined chest, now red because of my careless actions. I was never careless in life. I never attacked someone just because I wanted to kiss them, it wasn't me, but Christian had me under some kind of spell and I was finding it hard to resist.

"Taylor got you a new shirt." I walked back into my office, needing some distance. I lost all my inhibitions when we were so close to one another. "I got him to get it extra small so it will hold the cling wrap in place."

Christian stayed in the bathroom and I had to walk back in to give it to him. I made sure Taylor got him the same shirt to avoid any embarrassment. Christian struggled to pull it on and I watched him for a moment, marveling at how his muscles twisted and moved, before giving him a hand. I grabbed the shirt and gently pulled it down to cover his burn, making sure the cling wrap stayed in place.

My eyes lingered on his covered chest, I needed to be more careful, this could've been avoided. I shouldn't have taken that phone call, I should've told him to forget the coffee, I shouldn't have jumped him, but he was just so irresistible. Seeing him in my office, hearing him sass my employees through the door to the kitchen... His smart mouth was good for some things. Then I overheard him telling them that he was mine and something overcame me. He was mine and I was his. I couldn't help myself, but I should've had more restraint.

"Did you get me any underwear?" he asked.

"No," I smiled, "you can just take them off." Yes, take them off Christian, let me see you, I miss seeing you.

Christian didn't do what I wanted and I resisted the urge to pout, I needed to take it easy. He was the first man I'd been attracted to and I didn't want to rush it. Flynn already thought I was moving too fast, he thought I was going to snap or something, I really didn't care. I was just doing what felt right, Christian taught me that.

Christian took his time and when he entered my office, fully dressed, he was looking down at the ground which was not like him at all. I handed him some painkillers and a glass of water. He took them and still didn't talk.

"You're being quiet," I stated, keeping my distance. I'd seen this behavior before, Christian needed space, but I couldn't understand why.

"I think I'm just going to head home," he said and all I could do was smile sadly because I didn't want to force him. "I just want to lay down and get some rest."

His excuse, if it was one, sounded legitimate. I bet he was sore, I did burn him with a full cup of coffee.

"Can I see you after work?" I asked. Please say yes. "Check that you're okay?"

"I don't know." My face fell, _no baby, please don't pull away from me_. "Text me." He smiled, but it wasn't fooling me. Something wasn't right, but I didn't understand it.

I let him go and sat back at my desk. Why couldn't I help him? Maybe if I had a normal upbringing I'd know what to do. I grabbed my phone and messaged Taylor.

 _ **Anastasia Steele:** Christian Grey is coming down now, please follow him and make sure he gets home safely_

 _ **Jason Taylor:** Yes, ma'am_

There, that was better. Taylor could keep an eye on Christian and when he was home safe I could stop worrying.

I looked at my calendar and noticed I had a conference call coming up. I went over my notes before picking up the phone. The conversation was utterly boring and I hated dealing with the mergers and acquisitions. Usually Ros took them, but she was off with her girlfriend on their honeymoon or something, I really didn't pay much attention when she was telling me. The call ended and I breathed a sigh of relief.

My phone rang and I picked it up. "Andrea, I thought I told you to hold all my calls."

"Sorry, Miss Steele, it's just…" Couldn't she spit it out already? "Taylor was in an accident."

What? "When did this happen? Is he okay?"

"I'm not sure. I don't have many details." Hurry up. "Twenty minutes ago, maybe. He pulled in front of a car, reasons unknown, it was a Volkswagen Beetle."

Oh no. The phone slipped from my hand and hit the desk, I quickly put it back on its cradle. Christian drove a Beetle… That couldn't be right, Andrea said Taylor had pulled in front. I picked up my cell and called Taylor, he'd better answer, he did.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"We're at University of Washington Medical Centre."

Well, thank god for small miracles, that was my mother's hospital. Then his wording registered in my mind, we're… We're… Christian. My heart contracted, no, please no. I only just found him, we were doing good, why was this happening? Why did it always happen to me? I disconnected the call, not ready to talk to Taylor even though I knew he held the answers I seeked. I needed to focus, I needed a plan.

Usually Taylor would drive me where I needed to get, but that wasn't possible, a cab? No. I could drive myself, but I didn't think that was wise. I picked up my phone and dialed Sawyer's number, I didn't wait for him to speak.

"How quickly can you pick me up from Steele International?"

"Ten minutes, ma'am."

"See that you're there." I hung up the phone and gathered everything I needed, it didn't take long.

I left my office and Andrea came to meet me. "Reschedule everything," I told her. She nodded her head and backed away.

In the elevator, I felt the walls crumbling around me, no, not now. I grabbed my phone for a distraction and called my mother.

"How is he?" I asked.

"Broken arm, other than that he's fine." That was good news. "Taylor's very lucky."

Taylor? "I'm asking about Christian."

"Christian? I'm sorry, darling, I saw Taylor in emergency and I just assumed. I'm sorry, I will find out and get back to you."

Why could I never get the answers I wanted? I exited the elevator and Sawyer was already there, lucky for him.

He opened the car door for me before getting in himself.

"University of Washington Medical Centre," I told him.

"Ma'am, I just came from there, Taylor's lucky, but fine."

"Shut up, Sawyer." Why was no one concerned about Christian? I looked out the window, knitting my fingers together, _please be okay baby_.

Sawyer dropped me out the front of emergency and I ran into Taylor in the waiting room.

"What happened?" I asked and he cowered back.

"I was following Mr. Grey like instructed when he veered towards the sidewalk. I did as I was trained, I sped up and pulled in front of him, limiting the causalities."

Limiting the casualties?

"You better pray he's okay or you're out of a job."

Taylor's face fell, but I didn't care.

"Anastasia, darling," my mom approached, "why don't you come to my office."

"Why?" Why wasn't anyone telling me anything?

"Come on, honey."

Fine. I followed my mother to her office and sat down, burying my head in my hands.

"It's bad, isn't it?" I asked, not daring to look up.

"Chris is fine," she said and my heart swelled, but I was still guarded. "We're treating his burn," I knew this was my fault, "and he has a small cut on his forehead from the accident. Apart from that, Taylor did a good job de-escalating the situation."

"He's really okay?" I asked. "When can I see him?"

Her face fell, no.

"Chris claims he blacked out before the accident." No. "We're running some additional tests, making sure everything's okay, but it's worrying behavior. He claims he's never experienced anything like that before and all our standard tests show him being in good health. It's something we need to figure out."

"When can I see him? I need to see him, Mom."

"I know, darling, but you're going to have to wait. …He was asking for you." He was? "I told him the same thing, he has to wait. He wanted me to give you a message."

I leaned forward, this was what I needed, he was trying to show me that he was okay, but how?

"He said, if he had his bracelet, this never would've happened."

If he had his bracelet? The one like mine? It suddenly made sense, if we were handcuffed together this never would've happened. I started laughing, he was right, I never would've let him get hurt if we were side by side. My laughter shifted into crying and I couldn't help it.

"Oh, Anastasia, it's okay, he's going to be okay." Mom was keeping her distance and I was thankful for that, but also mad. She knew I didn't like to be touched, but that didn't mean I didn't want to be, especially in a situation like this.

"I love him," I said lowly. She gasped and I looked at her. "He's the one, Mom, there's no doubt in my mind."

She smiled proudly at me. "Maybe I can sneak you in," she said. "Let me call down and see what they're up to."

I nodded my head. I'd never seen my mom work before, never had a need to, but she was impressive. She was cool, calm, collected and in complete control, maybe I got some of my traits from her. I wasn't sure if it was true or not, but I liked the thought of that. She hung up and I waited.

"He's just coming out of his MRI."

MRI, why did everything sound so scary? I just wanted to see him. If I could see him then I'd know if he was okay or not.

"They're going to call me back when he's settled in his room."

"His room?" I asked.

"Yes, he'll be staying overnight. We need to figure out what caused his blackout before we can discharge him."

I didn't like that, I wanted him home with me so I could look after him.

"Why don't you stay here," Mom said, standing up.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm giving you some space, honey."

"Don't go," I whispered and she looked at me stunned.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I paused, "please."

She sat down on the couch in her office and I stood up so I could sit next to her.

"What am I going to do?" I asked her.

"What do you mean, sweetie?"

"I love him," I said again, "I've never loved anyone." My mother's face fell, but I couldn't worry about that.

"That's understandable," she said. "Have you talked with Chris about it?"

"No, we only just hit the girlfriend-boyfriend stage, it's too early, even I know that."

"I'm just glad you're happy," she smiled at me, "you've buried yourself in your work for too long, there's more to life than success, Anastasia."

I knew that.

"I'm really worried about him, Mom, why would he blackout? When he left the office, he was so unlike himself, silent, I should've went with him, I should've done something."

"You did, you sent Taylor."

Taylor… I yelled at him, I needed to apologize, after I saw Christian.

The phone rang and I jumped up. Mom smiled at me and picked it up.

"Okay, let's go."

I followed Mom to his room, the walk was agonizingly long. She opened the door and I was glad that he was in a private room, I would pay for everything, I didn't care about the cost. I sucked in a breath as I saw Christian asleep in his bed, seeing him calmed me.

"Make sure he has the best of everything," I told my mom, "I don't care about the cost. I want nurses to be assigned to him and only him. Will you coordinate with his doctors and tell me any information as soon as you get it?"

"Of course, darling. I'll leave you to it." She headed for the door.

My chest constricted again and I couldn't understand why. I looked at my mother, she helped me so much today, with no questions asked. My body moved towards her before my brain processed it. I reached for her, hugging her from behind, resting my head between her shoulder blades. She stiffened before relaxing.

"Thanks, Mom." I pulled away.

Thankfully she didn't turn back around, I couldn't handle any more today, that was the first time I'd willingly hugged her.

I grabbed a chair and pulled it close to the bed. Christian looked fine, he had a bandage on his chest and one on his forehead, but aside from that, he was sleeping soundly. I reached out and ran my hand through his hair, soothing myself. He was okay, he was alive, he was going to be fine. I pulled my bracelet off and put it on his wrist, admiring it. He was mine and every day I thanked the world that Katherine Kavanagh didn't come and interview me.

Christian didn't wake up and it scared me. I could feel my walls shifting and I knew I needed to get out. I stepped outside his room and called Taylor.

"Are you still at the hospital?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Meet me by the main elevators on the ground floor." I hung up and made my way to him. I knew I hadn't been fair on him and I needed to thank him.

Taylor was standing there when I exited. His arm was in a sling and I saw a black cast peeking out. The thought that he hurt himself trying to protect Christian was sobering.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine, Miss Steele. How's Chris? They won't tell me anything."

"He's sleeping, but Dr. Steele thinks he's going to be okay. Thank you, Taylor. I'm sorry about earlier, I understand what you did and why, thank you. …Get in contact with Sawyer and get him to run damage control."

"Miss Steele," he said, "if you don't mind, I'd like to head this up."

"Fine, but I want Sawyer with you at all times, don't go pushing yourself too far, Sophie needs her father."

"Yes, Miss Steele." Taylor left and I stood there. I felt so useless. Did I just sit by Christian's side? Was there something more I could do?

I called my mother. "Do you have the results of his MRI yet?"

"Yes, all clear."

"What does that mean?"

"We're not one hundred per cent sure, but we think his blackout is psychological not neurological."

Psychological? How? I was the one with the issues, not him. I was forced to remember something he said, that talking about his mother was a hard limit for him, had something happened? Did he have triggers like me? How did I trigger him today? I needed to know so I didn't do it again.

I wandered around the hospital aimlessly until I found myself back in front of his room. I was afraid to open the door, but I knew I must. Christian was now on his side, his hand circling his wrist, around my bracelet. I sat down on my chair and ran my hand through his hair again. I rubbed his scalp wondering what was going on up in that head of his. Had I pushed him too far? He'd been so open and honest with me, I could trust him to use his safe words, but something had gotten to him.

"Are you ever going to say something?" he said, groaning as he opened one of his eyes.

There was my cheeky boy, I smiled.

"Is Jason okay?" he asked.

"Taylor's fine, broken arm, but he's fine."

"Oh." Christian's face dropped.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I lied," he sighed, "...to your mom, to the doctors. ...I didn't recognize the symptoms at the time, if I had, I never would've left your office, I wouldn't have gotten into my Beetle." What was it? "I suffer from dissociative amnesia."

"What's that?" It sounded bad.

"It's kind of like memory repression, but more complicated as you can't control it. When I was a teenager my mother remarried and there was a time I spent with her and her new husband, I remember getting hit, but… I was there for five months, but in my head, it was only three weeks. My brain has forgotten that chuck of time to protect me. I moved back in with Ray and I've had no issues until today. I'm not sure what caused it, but the feelings are the same."

Dissociative amnesia, did I have that? It sounded like something I should have, but I knew it wasn't true. I was four when I was saved and I remembered more than enough from my formative years especially compared with a non-traumatized person. Most people's earliest memories were from four or older, hardly anyone remembered anything before the age of three.

"Is it like PTSD?" I asked, trying to understand it better.

"No, I have no memory at all. People with PTSD have flashbacks and nightmares."

Yes, I knew that. I suffered from PTSD on top of many other things.

"Is there treatment?" Surely, there was.

"In some cases, but nothing can be done until the memories resurface, sometimes they stay buried forever."

"So, you really can't be proactive?"

"Not really," he sighed, "can we talk about something else now? It's just, I'd forgotten about it, it doesn't affect me."

I didn't want to forget it, but I could tell that he'd reached his limit. "I have some good news," I said.

"Really?" he asked, smiling at me. My beautiful boy.

"Yeah, I hugged my mom today, well, kind of, but it's a start."

Christian's smile widened. "That's amazing, baby, I'm glad something good came out of today."

"I don't think today was a total write-off," I told him, "…boyfriend."

Christian smiled, but it soon fell. "I guess we should get used to having the good with the bad," he said.

"I don't think life comes any other way, baby." I ran my hand through his hair again. "I think we're lucky."

"Why?"

"Because we have each other."


	16. Safe Zones

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 16**

"Ana, please," I groaned. "Even Dr. Flynn said it was fine. There's nothing we can do, nothing is wrong with me. Please just touch me or something."

"Christian, we just walked through the door. You were in hospital for the past twenty-four hours, you need rest. Ms. Jones made you some chicken soup."

"Who?" I asked, sitting down at the breakfast bar.

"My housekeeper."

"Oh, Gail."

"Why do you call everyone by their first names?" she asked. "You should be more respectful."

"They're human beings," I deadpanned. Anastasia still didn't see my point of view. "Do you know that Taylor specifically asked me to call him Jason, he even said he doesn't know why you call him Taylor. I think you're the one in the wrong here."

"Christian, please."

I shut my mouth, tensions were high after my accident and I needed to be careful. Anastasia had been extra affectionate in an odd non-touching way and it wasn't like her at all. I was fine. I talked to Flynn about why I think I blacked out and he agreed. It was due to Anastasia, but I was afraid to tell her.

"Eat." She slid the bowl in front of me.

I did as I was told, the soup was good. I knew I needed to tell her, our communication had been great lately, but I didn't want anything to change. Anastasia was looking at her phone and she groaned.

"What?" I asked.

"Compulsory family dinner."

"When?"

"Tonight." She tapped away furiously on her phone.

"Are you going to go?"

She held up her finger for me to wait and continued to type.

I tried to get a read off her, but she was scowling.

"Yes." She eventually answered. She didn't look up from her phone, she was still typing.

Her eyes met mine sometime later. "Do you want to come with me? …Apparently looking after you isn't an excuse I can use. My mom should understand, she's a doctor."

"Do you want me to go?" I countered.

"Of course, Christian," she said, "my family is…" she trailed off. "I've never been close with them, having you there will take the focus off me for once."

"Won't it be the opposite?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm your shiny new toy, they'll want to know everything."

She groaned, knowing I was right. "I just want you there, Christian."

"And if I say no, can I stay here?"

"No, I'll take you back to your apartment and Kate can look after you."

Damn. "I'll come."

Anastasia smiled. "You know, I've never brought anyone home before, male or female."

"Why does everyone think you're gay then?" I asked. "Did you take your subs out?"

"No, I think they just assumed. Nothing I did gave them any indication."

"What about you and Elena?" I asked.

"What about her?" Anastasia's voice was tight.

"I want to know more about that."

"There's not much to tell, Christian, and I've already told you more than anyone else."

"So, no one knows? No one in your family?"

"No." She sighed. "What do you want from me?"

"I want to know what you think about the situation. Do you think she abused you? Manipulated you? Was it consensual? Do you regret it?"

"I haven't really thought about it."

She hadn't? I finished my soup and stared at her. "Why not?"

"I don't know," she shifted uncomfortably. "I was with Elena for years, then she trained me as a domme before taking me to a club to find my first sub, then I went from sub to sub, now, here you are."

"So, you haven't reflected on it."

"No, Christian, what's the point? It's in the past. Why are you so concerned about this?"

"I don't know, I guess I'm just thinking about my situation," I said. "Something happened to me, we know that much, but I have no idea what and I don't want to know. You know everything though, so I was just wondering about your point of view, that's all."

"I don't reflect on the past," she said simply.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course." Her voice was soft.

"I think I know why I blacked out." I had her attention. "Maybe we should sit on the couch." I got up and she followed me over, we sat side by side. "I feel like," I started but stopped, "I feel like we need to make some kind of deal here."

"What kind of deal?"

"One of two things, either a promise not to overreact, or maybe if I tell you this then I can get something in return."

"You're bargaining with me?" she asked, small smile on her face.

"Yes." I liked this side of her, I had missed her teasing.

"Name your price."

Shit, there was too many avenues to play this. I could get her to promise me she wouldn't overreact, but I knew she couldn't control that side of her, or I could get something out of this, a distraction if you will.

"I want to try something with you, but you have to trust me," I said cryptically. "I will respect your boundaries and not do anything you don't want, but you have to keep an open mind and agree to at least try."

Shit, what was I doing?

"Why can't you tell me what it is beforehand?" she asked.

"Because I know you won't agree."

"And is this information really worth it?" she asked. I didn't answer because I knew she wanted to know. "Okay."

"You can't break your promise," I said.

"I know how this works, Christian, you've named your terms and I've accepted them."

She agreed, but she wasn't going to like my plan.

"I need to go first," I said.

"Why?"

"Because you're going to overreact and I don't think I'll get my side of the deal. You know you can trust me, Ana."

"Write it down."

"What?"

"Write it down, seal it in an envelope. I'm not going into this deal blind. I want the information ready. You think I'm going to fail whatever you have planned but you clearly don't know me well, Christian, I never fail even if it's something I don't want to do. I was a sub for years, never forget that." She got up and headed for her office.

Shit, I offended her.

She came back and handed me a piece of card, a pen and an envelope. Shit, this was it. How was I supposed to write it down, I didn't even know how to say it. I decided to just wing it.

 _I think my mom abused me, it's the only thing that makes sense. I trusted her, I loved her, and she hurt me, or let me get hurt. Being spanked by you and the coffee incident, it triggered me. I care for you so much and I can't handle the thought of you hurting me. I can take pain, but I don't think I can be punished._

I folded the card and shoved it in the envelope, sealing it.

"Are you sure about this?" she asked me. "That was a lot of words and I saw you struggling."

"I'm sure." I handed the envelope to her.

"Okay, where do we start, Sir?"

No. "Please don't call me that." She frowned. "Where do you feel most safe?" I asked.

"My bedroom."

Her answer surprised me. "Why?"

She shrugged. "It's my place, no one's allowed in there, not before you at least, Christian."

"Bedroom it is," I stood up and allowed her to lead the way.

Once inside, I shut the door behind us. As it closed, I saw a new side of Anastasia, she was nervous, waiting for my instructions.

"Lay on the bed, in your underwear," I said and she faltered. "Do you trust me?" I asked.

"Yes, Christian, but…"

I stepped in front of her. "I have a plan," I smiled proudly, "do you want to hear it?" She nodded her head. "I want to touch you." She stepped away from me, shaking her head no. "Hear me out," I pleaded, "I've thought this through, I have a plan. You have your safe words, you can say no. I will start easy. You've been doing so well lately, Ana, let me try something."

She nodded her head. I reached out and she flinched, but I pressed forward. I put my fingertip against hers.

"How's that?" I asked.

"Fine," she said, breathing heavily.

"See," I pulled back, "I think a lot of it's in your mind. I want to touch you everywhere, so I can find where your safe zones are. Don't you want me to touch you?" I asked. "When we're out and about? I really want to show you how much I care for you," I said, "and touching you is a good way." She was still guarded. "Just think," I said, "when I know your boundaries, I won't cross them, you know that."

She paused for a while. "Okay," she accepted, "but if I say red, we're done."

"No, not red," I told her, "I only want you to say red if it's an area I can't touch at all. If you want to stop everything you'll need to come up with a new word, but if you say it, I get the envelope back." She looked at me like I hurt her. "I'm not going to push you," I said again. "Trust me, Ana, please. We need this."

"Chopper." What? "That's my word, I hate that word. If you ever call Charlie Tango a chopper, I'll kill you."

"Hey," I said, holding up my hands in surrender, "fellow aviation lover here, I wouldn't dare."

She'd agreed. I wasn't sure I liked the idea of this new safe word, but I knew she needed it to feel safe. I was confident I wouldn't push her far enough to use it.

"Can I turn the lights off?" she asked.

"Sure."

Anastasia shut them off and regarded me closely as she removed her clothes. When she was down to her bra and panties, she got on the bed and laid down.

"Stay on this side," I told her. She shifted from the middle, closer to me. "I'm going to stay here, I'm not going to get on the bed. If you feel the need to say chopper, roll away from me, I'm not moving."

She nodded her head. She was stiff as a board, but we needed to do this. I wanted to touch her, I wanted to hold her.

"Same safe words rules apply," I told her, "say yellow if you're hesitant or need me to slow down, green if you want more, and red if you want me to stop touching a certain area. Are you comfortable?"

"Yes, Christian."

I started at her feet. I touched her toe with my fingertip and when she didn't safe word, I pressed my palm to her sole, still nothing. I moved forward slowly. I touched the top of her foot and her ankle, still nothing, she moaned and I smiled.

"That feels good," she said.

Maybe in the future I could give her a foot rub after a long day at work, I bet she'd love that and I knew I would. I checked the other foot and ankle, all fine. I use two hands for her lower legs, hoping to speed up the process, but when she tensed, I backed off. I needed to take this slow. Her lower legs and knees were fine too. We hit our first issue when I got to her inner thighs.

"Yellow," she panted.

"Tell me why," I said quietly. "What are you feeling?"

"I'm afraid."

I moved my hand back to her outer thigh which she seemed to have no problem with.

"Afraid of what?"

"That you're going to touch me and I don't know how."

"I'm not going to touch you down there," I said and she relaxed. "When I'm ready for that step, I will tell you."

She nodded her head. "Green."

I rubbed her inner thighs and she tensed.

"Yellow."

"Tell me."

"It feels good, I'm afraid if you touch me here I'm going to get worked up and I don't know how I'm going to cum. I don't know if you can touch me there and I don't want to ruin anything."

"Okay," I said, "I'll mark inner thighs as a soft limit. I won't touch you there again unless we talk about it beforehand."

I moved to her arms next, it was all fine, fingertips to shoulders were a safe zone. Next I touched her hair, head, face, neck, all fine. I leaned forward and kissed her lips.

"Yellow."

"Tell me."

"The last time we kissed, I hurt you. I'm also afraid that you'll lose your senses and touch me without realizing."

"I won't," I said, leaning forward and kissing her again, "only the safe zones, I promise. I'm going to move down to your hips now."

She nodded her head. As soon as I touched her hips, she safe worded. "Yellow."

"Tell me."

"It's the unknown," she said. "Try telling me what you're going to do before you do it."

Shit, she was pushing herself so hard for me.

"I'm going to skim my fingers across your hipbones, then I'm going to place my palms on them and move to the sides. I'll get you to lift your hips so I can touch your backside, give it a squeeze, no spanking, then I'll move back to the front. I'm going slide my hands into your panties and run my hands through your pubic hair, down to your lips, not penetrating you, then back to your clit. How does that sound?"

"Yes," she panted, wriggling her hips. Fuck, that was so hot. I was trying not to get aroused, but it was becoming difficult.

I did as I said and we had no issues. When I massaged her backside, she started moving her hips and it was so hot. I moved back to the front running my fingers through her neatly trimmed pubic hair for the first time. I moved south and she was dripping wet, I smiled, she was turned on because of me and my actions. I touched her clit and she hissed.

"Again," she said. I touched her there once more and she groaned. "Again."

"No," I whispered, "we need to finish first. If you're still up for it afterwards then I'll gladly make you cum."

"Yes, Christian." Okay, that went straight to my dick, I needed to focus.

I'd done everywhere but her chest and back.

We were doing well, but I knew it couldn't last. I touched her collarbones.

"Red."

Shit. I lifted my hands.

"Tell me," I said softly.

"The scars, I know you can see them. I can't do it."

"What about your breasts?" Oh, how I wanted to touch her breasts.

"I'm sorry, Christian, but no, not today. I can't."

"Okay," I accepted, "sit up."

She sat on the edge of the bed.

"I'm going to touch your back," I said.

She nodded her head. I rested my fingers on her shoulder blades.

"Yellow."

I paused for a moment, before flattening my hands.

"Red."

Shit, damn it. I was hoping I'd be able to hug her. I sighed and took a step back.

"We're done, baby." I smiled tightly.

"No," she gritted out, "give me your shirt."

What was going on? I pulled my flannel shirt off and she put it on.

"Try my back again."

I stepped forward and cautiously put my fingers on her back, she tensed but didn't say anything. I flattened my hands and I could feel her lungs working in overtime as her breathing became labored.

"It's bearable," she hissed, "try more."

I stepped closer and pulled her to my chest, carefully running my hands up and down her back. She was still tense, but she stayed silent. Feeling her in my arms was amazing. I was actually holding her and she was so soft and warm. It was amazing. I pulled back, not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to check that she was doing alright.

"How was that?" I asked.

"Hard," she said. I thought she was talking about my dick for a second, but she wasn't. "I like it and I think that's going to be a huge help. I'll accept it because it feels good."

I smiled proudly at her. "You did it, baby, we're done."

"Oh, Christian." She fisted her hands in my t-shirt and pulled me to her, burying her head against my chest.

I moved my hands and rested them on her upper arms, one of her safe places. I was glad I finally knew exactly where her boundaries lay.

"So," I started slowly, "do you still want me to make you cum?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"Can you do it while holding me?" Shit, yes. "Lay down behind me."

I did as she said. We were both on the bed and I was lying behind her, our bodies flush. I reached around and rested my hand above her public hair. She tensed and tried to pull away.

"Don't worry," I whispered in her ear. "I remember the rules, I'll never forget them."

She shifted in anticipation and I paused for a moment so I could figure out exactly what I wanted to do to her.

"I'm going to scratch my fingernails gently through your hair," I said and then did the action. She moaned. "Now I'm going to run my fingers down your lips, touching you everywhere but where you want." I did it and she shifted her hips, groaning. "Now I'm going to run the heel of my palm up your center."

"Yes, Christian, more please."

I did it again, avoiding her clit.

"Now I'm going to use my fingers." I ran them up and down. "Can I enter you?" I asked. Please say yes.

"Okay, but take it slow."

I ran my fingers up and down her some more, getting them wet with her slickness, slowly getting her to open herself up to me. I paused with one fingertip against her opening so she knew what I was doing. She didn't say anything, but she shifted her hips so my finger slipped in. She groaned, shifting down further. Enough of this, I moved my finger in and out of her slowly, getting deeper and deeper, but not faster. When she was wriggling and moaning in my arms, I added another finger.

"No more," she said.

"Okay, just feel, baby."

I moved my fingers in and out for a few strokes before curling them upwards, trying to find her g-spot. She was a mess in my arms and I could tell she was close. I briefly wondered when the last time someone had touched her like this was and I couldn't help but think it must've been when she was a sub because I couldn't imagine her letting just anyone do this to her. I found her g-spot and she groaned, trying to hold me in place.

I started tapping on it as I brought my other hand around and finally touched her clit. She hissed and I smiled. She was almost there, I could feel her walls clenching my fingers. I squeezed her clit gently and that was all it took. She came and she screamed. Fuck, that was hot. I didn't stop until she told me to, and even then, I didn't pull my fingers out until it was completely necessary.

She turned to face me, keeping a few inches in between us. "Thank you, Christian."

"I'm pretty sure I should be the one thanking you," I said.

"Let me help you," she said, but I grabbed her hand. "What?"

"I already came," I blushed, "your movements were perfect and my dick loved feeling your ass."

She giggled and I smiled, it was the most perfect sound. It made her seem so carefree and it reminded me that she wasn't that much older than me.

"Stay here," I said. I quickly got up and grabbed the envelope before getting back on the bed. "You should open it." I handed it to her.

"I don't know if I want to," she said nervously. "You seem so sure that I'm going to overreact and I don't want to ruin this. We've still got to go to my parents tonight."

"Open it, it needs to be said."

She nodded and opened the envelope. I didn't watch her too closely, I only wanted her words.

"Is this true?" she asked and I shrugged.

"It's the only connection I can make," I said. "I know my mom has the answers, but I don't want to ask her. If my brain blocked the memories, then it must be for a reason. I really just want to forget it, but I don't think I can handle you hurting me as a punishment."

"But I can still spank you?" I nodded my head. "Use things like the crop?" I nodded again. "The belt?"

I sucked in a breath, I still found that hot. "As long as it's not a punishment, I think I can deal with it."

"Okay," she said, "I need to process this, but thank you for trusting me, Christian."

"Thank you for today," I said, "your trust in me was beautiful." I leaned forward and hovered my lips over hers. When she didn't pull away, I kissed her, only lightly. She groaned as I pulled away. "If you want more," I said, "you're going to have to get it."

Her eyes twinkled and I could tell she was going to do it, but there was a knock at the door.

"Miss. Steele," Taylor said, "do you still need me to drive you to your parents?"

My face fell, cockblocked yet again.

"Yes, Taylor. Please text my mother and tell her we're running thirty minutes behind."

"Yes, ma'am."

"We really need to get ready," Anastasia said, but she didn't move away from me. She lifted her hand and ran it down the side of my face before continuing down my neck and resting it on my chest, right over my heart. "I'm glad you didn't die, Christian."

"Me either, babe, we're just getting started, you know that, right?"

"I know." She leaned towards me and I knew what to do. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, knowing her safe zones was the best. We didn't move for the longest time and there was another knock at the door.

I laughed. "Maybe we should just stay here."

"If only." Anastasia pulled out of my arms. "Taylor, tell my mother we'll be another fifteen minutes late."

"Fifteen minutes?" I asked, surely we needed more time than that.

"Yes." She smirked at me, what was she up to? "Do you want to shower with me, Christian?"

Oh, fuck yes.


	17. Steele Family

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 17**

" _Do you want to shower with me, Christian?"_

 _Oh, fuck yes._

I followed Anastasia to the bathroom and I was bouncing with excitement, not only did I now know her safe zones, but I got to have a shower with her. I was a lucky man.

Anastasia got the water ready while I pulled off my t-shirt and jeans. I left my boxers on, wanting to be in the same state of undressed as her. Anastasia kept her back to me as she pushed my shirt off her shoulders, undid her bra and slid her panties down. I watched her numbly as I pulled my boxers down. I couldn't believe this was happening, she was being so brave.

Anastasia stepped into the shower and shyly looked over her shoulder at me. I knew it was my cue. I moved slowly, not wanting to spook her. My eyes stayed on hers.

"Hey," she said softly when we were both under the water. I could tell just how nervous she was with this.

"Hey," I replied.

"Can I wash you?" she asked.

I smiled, but then I remembered we were supposed to be at her parents. "We're already late," I said.

"So," Anastasia said, "it won't be the first time I've disappointed them. Please let me do this, Christian."

Who was I to deny her? I nodded my head.

Anastasia grabbed the body wash and lathered it up between her hands before going over my whole body, barely touching me. When she got to my dick, she stroked it a couple of times, but not enough to get me going, thankfully.

"Kneel," she commanded and I did as I was told.

I got a lovely view of Anastasia up close before she moved behind me and started washing my hair. I moaned, fuck that felt good. Her fingers expertly made their way through my hair, massaging my scalp. This time I couldn't help but get a little hard. When she was done, she stood in front of me again and held out her hand to help me up.

"Can I wash your safe zones?" I asked.

She looked at me guarded and I didn't know whether to push this or not. She had been so forthcoming tonight, giving me way more than I deserved, but maybe it was a sign.

"Not today." She smiled sadly and I accepted it. "How about you get out and you can pick what dress I wear tonight." I smiled, oh yeah, I could do that. "And please remember that we're going to my parents, I want to look respectable."

"Yes, Sir." I smiled. Fuck yeah, I didn't care about the dress, but I'd be picking out her whole outfit, stocking, heels, no panties.

I stepped out of the shower and quickly dried myself before going to her closet. The first door I opened confused me, it was full of men's clothes, they must be for me. I opened the door next to it and stepped inside Anastasia's closet. She had so many clothes for someone who always seemed to be wearing the same thing. I found the dresses and looked at them. I had no fucking idea which one to choose, they all looked the same to me.

I found a navy blue one that was fairly modest and I liked it immediately. It would fall to her knees and cover her chest and shoulders down to her elbows. It looked good. I grabbed some black sheer stockings and found some black heels. I carried the outfit to the bedroom and laid it on the bed before going to my closet and grabbing something to match.

I knew zero about fashion, so I picked out a dark blue shirt- the same color as her dress, a black tie and some black slacks. I quickly pulled the pants on, with no underwear, I wanted to match her in every way possible. I tucked in my shirt and rolled the sleeves up my elbows, then I did up the tie. I found some socks and grabbed a black pair before looking for the shoes.

As I was looking, I stumbled across the accessories. Fuck, it was so good having access to things, this must've cost her a fortune. I grabbed a gunmetal tie clip, a gunmetal watch- it looked expensive, I also found a black belt with gunmetal buckle. Fuck, this was turning me on. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and I looked so good. Shoes, I needed shoes, where the fuck were the shoes? I went back through the closet, but I couldn't find them anywhere so I started opening up all cabinets.

In the first one, something made me pause. There, sitting inconspicuously on top of more ties was the lanyard Anastasia had given me at Steele International the day of my accident. I turned it over and smiled at the words she wrote _'Miss Steele's boyfriend_ '. Anastasia was right, we had both the good and the bad that day. I looked into the mirror at my forehead, it had been glued shut, just a small cut. My chest was barely burnt from the coffee. I was fine physically, but I didn't even want to think about mentally. My plan was to never recover those lost memories.

"Where the fuck are they?" I hissed, still trying to find the shoes.

Anastasia laughed from the doorway. How long had she been watching me for?

"Shoes?" I asked sheepishly.

"There," she pointed to somewhere behind me, but I was looking at her, fuck she looked hot. "We match," she muttered.

"In every way," I said, gesturing to my no underwear.

She smiled before dropping it, what was that?

She left the room and I finally found the shoes.

I grabbed a pair of black ones and pulled them on, lacing them up. When I stepped back into the bedroom, Anastasia was waiting for me.

"Here," she handed me a box, "I got this for you when you were in hospital. I know we agreed to pick something out together, but I wanted you to have it now."

I opened the box and inside was a bracelet just like hers, the handcuff one. I put it on.

"Thanks, Ana." I threw the box onto the bed and hugged her, only touching her safe zones. She was stiff for a moment before giving in. Oh, it felt so good to be able to hold her.

Taylor knocked on the door. "Miss Steele?"

"We're coming, Taylor."

"Cumming?" I asked, snickering. "We're going to be even later now."

"Christian," she giggled, fuck that was beautiful, "behave."

Taylor was actually smiling when we met him in the foyer and it was good to see but odd.

"Do I need to know anything?" I asked Anastasia as we rode the elevator down.

"What do you mean?"

"About your family?"

She tensed up. "I'm sure you'll be fine, Christian."

I'd be fine, but what about her? Why did it feel like she was leaving something out?

We entered the parking garage and hopped into the back of the Audi.

"Will you be fine?" I asked.

I could see Anastasia slowly closing up on herself and it made me anxious. She was so free earlier, so daring, trusting me fully.

She didn't answer me.

I grabbed her hand in mine, my thumb resting on her bracelet. "We're in this together," I told her, "I won't leave you alone."

Anastasia's face fell and I could see her eyes start to water, shit. The next thing I knew, she was in my arms, her face buried against my chest, arms hugging me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her and held her to me.

The drive was long and Anastasia didn't move from my arms. I didn't mind, I liked holding her. Domme Anastasia was hot, but I liked this side of her too. I knew she hated showing herself as weak, so I knew this wouldn't last, I needed to appreciate it while I could.

We arrived and Taylor got out, but Anastasia didn't immediately move out of my arms. When she pulled away, she was completely tense, hard mask in place. I rested my palm on her cheek, staring deeply into her eyes. I didn't say anything, I was at a loss. Anastasia started to open the door and Taylor opened it the rest of the way, helping her out before giving me a hand.

Taylor went back to the car and sat there, was that what he was going to be doing all night? I had no idea.

Anastasia led me up the porch stairs and I looked at the house for the first time, it was huge. Was this where she grew up? Shit. Ray's house was tiny in comparison. She rang the doorbell and I grabbed her hand, standing by her side. She looked at me and I thought I saw her relax a little, but it was hard to tell. Grace answered the door.

"Anastasia, good of you to finally join us," she said. "Christian, how are you?"

"I'm fine, Grace, how are you?" I figured the more I could keep the attention off Anastasia the better.

"I'm good, busy, but good. Come inside."

We walked into the house, it was impressive, no wonder Anastasia had grand tastes.

We were only a few steps inside when Anastasia's father approached us. Anastasia tensed up at my side, so I dropped her hand and wrapped my arm around her waist, much to the surprise of her parents.

"Cary," Grace said, "this is Christian, Anastasia's…" she trailed off.

I was just about to answer when Anastasia did.

"Boyfriend," Anastasia supplied, but her voice was weak.

"Boyfriend, wow. I'm Anastasia's father, Carrick Steele," he reached out to shake my hand, "but family get to call me Cary."

He smiled at me kindly.

"Nice to meet you, Cary," I shook his hand, "I'm Chris Grey."

"Chris," he smiled, "we're glad to have you here."

"Where's Mia?" Anastasia asked and I could feel her tense up again. I pulled her closer to me and kissed the top of her head.

"Everyone's in the dining room waiting," Grace said, "let's join them."

Grace and Carrick went ahead, but I kept Anastasia back with me.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she said, but I could tell she was lying. "It's just a few hours, Christian."

A few hours in hell was an eternity. Anastasia didn't like it here, I knew that much.

We entered the dining room and there was a woman not much older than Anastasia and a teenage boy sitting at the table.

"Mia, Elliot, this is Chris Grey, Anastasia's boyfriend," Grace introduced. "Chris, this is Mia and Elliot, our other children."

Mia, frankly, seemed like a bitch. The first thing that came out of her mouth was a jab at Anastasia and I had to restrain myself from biting right back. Anastasia made me sit near Mia and I wasn't happy about it. Elliot was cute, he looked at Anastasia with so much love and adoration and I could see her return it to him. It wasn't in the same way or equal, but it was the best she could do.

Dinner started and it didn't take long for Mia to speak out of turn again, I was surprised the Steele's allowed this childish behavior, she had to be at least thirty, not eight.

"Annie's never brought a boy home before," Mia said, trying to be sweet, but failing. "We all thought she was gay."

Every single thing Mia said was a jab at Anastasia, boy was she butt-hurt about something. I laughed at my thoughts and Mia glared at me.

"What's so funny?" Mia asked.

I saw Anastasia smile out the corner of my eye. I did have a bad habit of putting people in their place.

"You know what they say," I picked up my fork, "it takes one to know one."

"What does that mean?" Mia asked.

"Oh, I thought you were gay, aren't you?"

Anastasia laughed and it shocked the whole table, I smiled at her.

"I'm not gay," Mia huffed. "I've had more boyfriends than Annie."

"Oh, so you're a whore," I said, "my mistake."

"I like you," Elliot smiled at me, he had to be at least fifteen. "Do you think we can hang out sometime, Chris?"

"Sure, bud."

"You know," Anastasia told Elliot, "Christian is going into publishing, maybe you can dig up one of your old manuscripts and I'll make sure it falls on top of his pile."

"I can't do that." Elliot was clearly embarrassed.

"You should give it a go," Carrick said, "you've got nothing to lose, son."

"Don't mean to burst anyone's bubble," I said, "but I've still got to get the internship first."

"When are your interviews?" Grace asked me.

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Anastasia questioned. "Have you done any preparation?"

"It's an interview, all of the question are about me," I smirked, "I've got this."

"And if you fail?" Mia asked.

"Ana and I have a backup plan." I smiled, squeezing her shoulder. I really wouldn't mind becoming her sex slave, but then again, maybe I already was.

"No vacation time?" Carrick asked. "You just graduated college, you deserve a break, Chris."

"My roommate Kate is going to Barbados and it got me thinking," I said, "a break would be good."

"Really?" Anastasia asked me, she was hurt.

"Oh, no," Mia said, "trouble in paradise, that didn't last long. Pay up everyone."

I ignored her. "Yeah, I heard of this great vacation spot, it's called Escala or something fancy like that."

Anastasia smiled at me.

"Isn't that where you live?" Elliot asked Anastasia.

"You really want to spend your break with me?" she asked. "You should go somewhere. We could go somewhere."

"As long as you're there, baby, count me in."

"Barf," Mia said. What the fuck was up with this chick?

"What about you?" I asked Mia. "Do you have anyone special in your life?"

Her face fell and I smiled, take that. Anastasia rested her free hand on the back of my neck, playing with the hairs at the base of my neck.

"How's your head, Chris?" Grace asked and I knew she was talking about more than just my superficial wound.

"Good," I answered, "Ana's been taking good care of me."

"Really?" Mia scoffed.

Fucking hell.

"Yeah, she does this thing with her tongue that's just-"

"Christian," Carrick cut me off, pointing to Elliot.

Oh, right. "That was a joke," I said, glaring at Mia. "I'm sorry, but is no one going to tell her off for this behavior. I know I'm new to this family, brand new, but you don't treat family like this."

"Excuse me," Anastasia said, leaving the room. I looked after her but she didn't turn back.

All eyes were on me.

"I couldn't understand why Ana didn't want to come here," I said lowly, "I mean, there are many obvious reasons, but I never thought it was because of one of you." I looked at Mia. "Can you really not shut your fucking mouth for five minutes?"

"Chris, we don't swear in this house," Grace said.

Was I going too far? No, they were letting Mia treat Anastasia like crap and for zero reason. My phone vibrated in my pocket, it was a message from Anastasia and my heart sank when I read it.

 _ **Anastasia:** Chopper_

Oh no, she was safe wording. I really didn't blame her. I stood up, she needed me more than her fucked up perfect family.

"You're the ones forcing her away," I said and I didn't care if it was my place or not, "especially you Mia. Ana's happy, maybe for the first fucking time in her life and you can't suck it up and get over your issues for one fucking minute. Ana's fucked up beyond belief, I'm not saying you're not, but give her a fucking break for fuck's sake."

"Chris, please don't leave," Carrick stood up, "we know what you're saying is true, but…" but fucking what? "We're used to Anastasia being hostile. She usually meets Mia blow for blow, it's the way it's always been."

Fuck that.

"I'm going to find Ana." I left the table.

Anastasia was sitting on the front stoop.

"I kind of yelled at your family," I said, still in shock and slightly angry as I sat down next to her.

"Christian, why would you do that? I owe them everything."

Maybe so, but that didn't mean jack to me. Mia was being disrespectful and they just let her because it was what usually happened, fuck that.

"Mia's a bitch," I said and Anastasia laughed.

"I've been saying that my whole life but no one's ever believed me. What did you think of Elliot, Mom and Dad?"

"They're alright, not perfect, but there's time for change."

"You're not supposed to change people," she said.

"I know, but you're changing, Ana, and if they're smart they'll change too, eventually, but just make sure you let them see this new you. If they don't come around, fuck them"

"Let's go," Anastasia stood up, "maybe it will go smoother next time."

I smiled widely, next time? I really didn't want to come back here, but I would for Anastasia.

"Can we play when we get home?" she asked shyly, but I could see domme Anastasia just underneath.

Fuck yes.

"Whatever you want, baby," I opened the car door for her, "whatever you want."


	18. SIP Interview

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 18**

On the way back to Anastasia's apartment I decided to speak the one thing I needed to know.

"Ana," I said lowly, so Taylor couldn't overhear us, "when do you think we'll have sex?"

I phrased it in a way that she couldn't deny me outright. She tensed up and my eyes searched hers.

"Christian, I…" she trailed off.

She was conflicted, I pressed forward.

"I want to feel you, all of you."

She still didn't speak.

"I want to show you what it's really like, I want to make love to you."

She gasped and shifted in her seat, trying to get away from me. I was getting to her.

"Please, baby, we need this." I needed this. "We can take it slow, you can be in charge, I don't care. We've been doing good, you know I won't push you, I won't touch you."

Still silent.

"Is this a hard limit for you?" I asked, hoping she wouldn't say yes.

She shook her head no.

"Then what is it?" I asked desperately.

"I'm afraid." Of what? "That you'll lose yourself."

She had mentioned this before.

"Tell me why?" I pressed.

Anastasia started playing with the hem of her dress as she looked out the window. When she turned back to me she seemed resolved.

"My mother was a crack whore," she stated with no emotion, "she died when I was four. Her pimp, he liked to… I saw what he did. I know what a man is capable of, I've seen them lose themselves and the outcome isn't pretty. I can't risk that, Christian. I trust you, but not that much. The things I saw." She shuddered.

"Did he ever touch you like that?" I didn't want to ask, but I had to.

"Me? No." She laughed dryly. "I guess I was lucky in that sense."

But he'd hurt her, I'd seen the burns.

"Can we stop talking about this please?"

"Of course." I paused. "Are we still playing when we get home?"

Home.

"What time is your first interview?" she asked.

"Two."

"Isn't that a bit late?" she asked. I shrugged, I had no idea. "You should come work for me."

Not this again. I mean, desk sex would be fun, but we'd get zero work done.

I decided not to say anything.

The moment we got back to Anastasia's apartment she handed me the key to the playroom and I knew what I was supposed to do.

I went upstairs and unlocked the door, stepping inside. I liked this room. I quickly got undressed and folded my clothes, sitting them near the door before kneeling on the square of carpet to wait for her. She took a while and the anticipation was building up inside of me. What were we going to do tonight? I was already hard and willing.

The door opened and I could see her black heels, but I didn't look at her. I remembered her saying that she wanted me to fight back sometimes, to defy her orders, but I wasn't sure I could do it. I loved being submissive to her. Anastasia took her time setting up whatever was needed. I tried to figure out what was going on, but I had no clue.

She came back when done and stood in front of me.

"Close your eyes and stand."

I did as I was told.

"Head up. No talking."

Shit, this was what I needed. I held my head up proudly, eyes still closed.

"I'm not going to go easy on you today," she said. "I think you know enough to follow my command with no extra explanations. If you defy me, you will be punished."

I tensed. "Yellow." I couldn't handle the thought of her punishing me.

"No talking or I will have to gag you."

Gag me? What was going on? It was as though she was dismissing my use of the safe word, but then I understood, I only said yellow not red, surely she had taken my concern on board, but we were pressing forward. At least that was what I hoped she was thinking.

"Give me your hands."

I did and she pulled me across the room. We stopped and she turned me around before lifting my arm and securing it with a cable tie, fuck. She put another one around my elbow on what I could only assume was her wooden cross. My other arm was trussed up in the same fashion and then she moved onto my legs. Spreading them put pressure on my arms and the plastic bit into them painfully, but I didn't say anything. She tied my ankles and then another one just above my knees.

When done, she stepped away and I was panting. I couldn't move and it hurt. My eyes were still closed and it was getting hard to keep them that way. I wished she had blindfolded me instead. Anastasia came over and I heard the whoosh before my skin was hit by many things. I tried to think of what it could be and the only thing that came to mind was a cat o' nine tail.

Whip after whip, mainly on my chest and thighs, it wasn't painful, but she wasn't being easy on me either. I liked it before when she would explain to me what she was doing and why, this was harder. She could do anything to me and I wasn't sure if she was listening to my safe words or not. I felt as though she was on some kind of mission I wasn't privy to.

She stepped away and I slumped forward, I didn't even care that it hurt or that I was cutting off the circulation in my wrists. I felt somewhat defeated. She was back before I knew it and she spun me around. I could hear something cranking and the cross went from vertical to horizontal. That was better. She stepped away again and I tried to relax.

When she came back, she pulled my dick out of my underwear and her hands went straight for it, rubbing something on it, making it warm up. The sensation was foreign and I didn't know if I liked it. She stopped and I could feel something at the tip of my dick before my head was engulfed. The warmth suddenly made sense, she was using a fleshlight on me, she was trying to give me what I wanted without actually doing it. I almost safe worded, but it felt too good.

I whimpered, trying to figure out why she was doing this. I didn't want it, I wanted her. Her fears came back to me, she was so sure that if we had sex I would lose myself, was this another test? I needed to stay steady, I had to keep my eyes closed and not thrust my hips. I assumed the first time we had sex she would be completely in charge, on top, kind of like this.

Knowing her reasons comforted me and I gave myself over to the feeling of being completely surrounded. The fleshlight was incredible, almost as good as the real thing, almost. I'd rather have Anastasia riding me though, but this was getting the job done. It wasn't long until I was close, imagining being in her was really helping me along.

"Cum when you want," she said and it threw me again. This whole session had been off. Was this how it usually was? Distant? Cold even? Or was this simply a ruse for her to test me and my reactions to almost sex? I hated not knowing.

My feelings overtook me and I came with a grunt, the release was good, but I didn't like how I got there. I wanted to safe word, I wanted to say red, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to explain my reasons. Surely I was being petty, she was just giving me what she thought I wanted and it was good… I just wanted more. Shit, that was it, this wasn't enough, not anymore. Touching her had shown me how good it could be. I wanted to touch her, feel her, have sex with her. I wanted it all, but was that possible? She wanted this lifestyle, could we do both? I was so confused.

Sensing that the scene was almost done, I didn't safe word even though I wanted to. I didn't want to upset her or have to explain. Maybe I was just having an off night, I did yell at her family earlier.

I was right. Anastasia pulled the fleshlight off my dick and quickly cut the cable ties, freeing me. I didn't move or open my eyes. She grabbed some cream and rubbed it into my skin where I was restrained. It felt good, loving, caring, and that was what this session was missing. Usually she would talk me through it, her voice would be soft, caring, but not this time.

"You can open your eyes," she stepped away, "the scene is over."

I opened my eyes, but didn't look at her.

She stepped into my line of sight and our eyes met. Something was off with her, but she didn't say anything and neither did I. I wasn't sure what to make of it. We'd been so good at communicating with each other, but not right now. I knew why I was staying silent, but why was she?

Anastasia grabbed my hand and led me back to her bedroom downstairs. She let me use the bathroom first and I got myself cleaned up before getting into bed naked. As she got ready for bed, I grabbed my glasses and checked my phone. Kate was leaving for Barbados tomorrow, I should probably go back to my apartment at some point, but the thought of leaving Anastasia didn't sit right with me.

I sat my phone on the bedside table when Anastasia entered the room. She was wearing one of my shirts and some panties and she laid on her side, mirroring my position, looking at me. I was still waiting for her to speak. There were a few feet of space between us and I wanted nothing more than to close the gap, but it wasn't up to me.

Anastasia rested her hand underneath my chin and rubbed my bottom lip with her finger. _Kiss me_ , I pleaded her, but she did nothing.

"I love you," she said instead and my mouth fell open. What?

She said no more, she wasn't even waiting for a response. She turned away from me before wriggling her back towards me. I moved forward to meet her in the middle of the bed and I wrapped my arms around her. We'd be okay. She loved me, I didn't doubt that, but why would she tell me now? Something was up with her. Having her in my arms distracted me and when I heard her breathing even out, I matched it and fell asleep as well.

When I woke up, I was alone and it sucked. I got out of bed and pulled on a pair of sleep shorts I found in my closet before walking out into the main room. There was still no sign of Anastasia, but Gail was in the kitchen and already had my cup of coffee waiting for me. I could get used to this.

"Would you like some breakfast, Chris?" she asked me.

"Do you know where Ana is?"

"Miss Steele is in her study."

Oh, was she working already or was she avoiding me?

"Please let me get you something to eat," Gail said.

"Anything?" I asked like a little boy, my eyes lighting up.

"Yes, Chris."

Oh man, anything. My mind ran through all the possibilities, but I kept coming back to the same thing.

"Choc chip pancakes?" I asked.

"Of course, Chris, coming right up."

"Do you think you can make up a coffee for Ana?" I asked. "I want to take it to her."

"Here," Gail poured a glass of juice, "Miss Steele has already had her coffee, take her this."

I smiled at her in thanks before carefully carrying my coffee and the juice into Anastasia's study. Anastasia was on the phone and she eyed the coffee in my hand warily. I set it down the first chance I got and handed the juice to her. She smiled in thanks.

"I'm not interested in carrying deadweight, Ros," she said. I sat down across from her and carefully sipped my coffee. "Have Marco call me if you must. …Yes, the prototype looks good, but I'm not sure about the interface, get Barney to work on it. …No, it's missing something. …I'll meet with him this afternoon to discuss. …In fact, him and his team, we can brainstorm. …Okay, transfer me back to Andrea."

Anastasia covered the mouthpiece and smiled at me. "Morning," she said.

I smiled back, she was in a better mood than I expected after yesterday.

"Andrea, clear my schedule this morning, but get Bill to call me. I'll be in at two, set up a half hour meeting with Marco and schedule Barney and his team in for after that, I want to see Claude every day this week, push my appointment with Flynn to next week, get in touch with Miss Lincoln and schedule a business lunch. …No, I don't want publicity for Darfur, Sam can deal with it. …Which event? …That's next Saturday, hold on." She covered the mouth piece again. "What are you doing next Saturday?"

"Whatever you are," I said, flashing her my handcuff bracelet. It was the only thing I was wearing with my sleep shorts. She smiled.

"I'll need an extra ticket for my boyfriend," Anastasia said and it sounded so good coming from her lips, "Christian Grey. That's all, Andrea." She hung up.

"Girlfriend," I said, smiling widely.

"Nothing gets by you, Mr. Grey," she said. "Thanks for the juice. What's Miss Jones cooking? I can smell it from here."

My pancakes, I almost forgot. "Choc chip pancakes."

"Can you tell her I want some too?" she asked shyly.

"Of course."

"I'll be out in a minute."

I grabbed my coffee and left her office.

"Ana wants pancakes too," I told Gail as I sat at the breakfast bar.

She looked at me shocked. "You're a wonder, Chris."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Miss Steele can be very hard, set in her ways. You're good for her."

I blushed. I was starting to realize that Anastasia didn't show her soft side to anyone except me, I was beyond lucky.

Anastasia came out and Gail handed us our plates before leaving.

"Does she live here?" I asked.

"Yes, her and Taylor, they have their own spaces."

Oh, that made sense, I wondered how much it was costing her.

"I was thinking about this vacation," she said as we started eating, "the company jet isn't being used for three days, so we could go somewhere if you want."

She had a jet, of course she did. We could go anywhere and do anything, be all alone?

"Where would we go?" I asked.

"Well, we only have three days, so not far." Anastasia smiled sadly.

"Can we go to Hawaii?"

"You want to go there?" she asked.

"Yeah, the sun, the sand, you in a bikini, in the water." Fuck, I stopped myself before I started drooling.

"You really want this?" Her voice was shy, but I didn't know why.

"Yeah."

"Leave it with me," she said and it was full of so much promise. Hawaii with Anastasia, I couldn't wait. "Where are your interviews for today?" she asked.

"Brooks Books and Seattle Independent Publishing," I told her. She nodded, but said nothing. "Hey, do I still need to sign the contract or even look at it?"

Her brow furrowed. "Do you want to?"

"Not really." What was the point anymore? I liked doing whatever we were doing. She seemed conflicted. "What's wrong with leaving things as is?" I asked. "You know I'll do anything you ask."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Why?"

She didn't explain herself. "I'll get Taylor to drive you to your interviews this afternoon."

"I should get a car of my own sometime seeing as my Beetle is dead." My poor Beetle.

Anastasia frowned, clearly remembering the accident. "We can go to the dealership when we get back from our trip if you want."

"You treat me so well." I smiled at her.

"I have more than enough money, Christian."

"How much exactly?" She looked at me curiously, shit, was this like asking a woman about her age or weight?

"I make around one hundred thousand dollars an hour."

I choked on my food, that was a little excessive, how? I think I had a couple of grand in my account, plus my college debt. Shit, Anastasia could pay it off in the blink of an eye, whereas it was going to take me years to pay off.

"What are you thinking?" Her voice was soft.

"That's a lot of money," I said lamely, "is it too much?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"It's just a little insane," I said. "I've never had money and I can't help but think if we stay together then half of that money will be mine too." Shit, what was I saying? I'd better find my filter before my interviews today.

"As far as I'm concerned, it's already yours." She looked at me intensely and, handcuff bracelets aside, I believed her.

* * *

It was late afternoon and my first interview had gone well, but this was the one I wanted. I was sitting waiting for Miss J. Hyde of Seattle Independent Publishing.

"Chris Grey?" a woman with black hair asked.

I stood up. "Yes."

"Hi, Chris, my name's Elizabeth Morgan, I'm head of Human Resources here at SIP."

I shook her hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Please follow me."

We entered the SIP offices and I was led into a small room. At the head of the conference table sat a woman with auburn hair, flowing free like a majestic mane. She looked fierce and in charge, shit.

She stood to greet me. "Christian Grey, I'm Jacklyn Hyde, I'm glad you could meet me today." We shook hands. "Have you traveled far?"

"No, I've recently moved into the neighborhood."

She smiled at me. "Please, take a seat."

I sat and Elizabeth sat beside Jacklyn.

"So, why do you want to intern for SIP, Christian?"

"He prefers Chris," Elizabeth thankfully said, but all she got was a glare in return.

"Christian, I'm waiting." Jacklyn's voice was hard.

Shit, what was up with this chick?

I quickly launched into my prepared speech, keeping my eyes on Jacklyn, something was niggling at me, but what? They both listened to me intently.

"You have an impressive GPA," Jacklyn said, "but what do you do for fun?"

Shit, I wasn't prepared for that question. I didn't want to tell them anything.

"I like aviation, umm," shit, I couldn't start stuttering now. "Planes, helicopters, blimps…" Fuck. "Music is cool." Maybe I should've prepared some more. I stopped talking and waited for them to make the next move.

Jacklyn accepted my answer and started asking sharp, intelligent questions, but none of them throw me, so I was confident I was doing okay.

Elizabeth said nothing, she just nodded occasionally and took notes.

"Where do you see yourself in five years' time?" Jacklyn asked.

Shit, not another personal question, though I guess she meant for it to be work related. All my brain could think of was Anastasia though, I hoped to still be with her, smashing barriers. Five years was a long time, maybe we would've smashed them all by then, maybe I could touch her everywhere, have sex with her. I smiled ridiculously and I knew I was screwed, shit, how was I supposed to answer now? They were going to be expecting something good with how happy I was.

"Dead," my brain spat out and I wasn't okay with it, how was I supposed to follow this thought through? They looked at me expectantly, but I didn't give in, I wasn't going to say anything more stupid.

Jacklyn laughed and it shocked me. "Very well, Christian," she said, "do you have any questions?"

"When would you like someone to start?" I asked.

"As soon as possible," Elizabeth said. Shit, less time with Anastasia. "When can you start?"

After Hawaii. "I'm available from next week."

"Good to know," Jacklyn said.

"If that's all everyone has to say," Elizabeth closed her notebook, "then I conclude this interview."

"It's been a pleasure to meet you, Christian," Jacklyn said softly, almost purring, and then it hit me, she acted like Anastasia. She was trying to be controlling, suave and disarming, but she wasn't quite getting there. She came off a tad creepy if anything.

We shook hands, I mumbled my goodbye and left promptly. Seeing Taylor waiting for me was a welcomed sight.

"Are you okay, Chris?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I think." He opened the car door and I got in. Why did that meeting leave me so rattled? Why did I think Jacklyn was anything like Anastasia?

"Where to?" Taylor asked from the driver's seat.

"Is Ana still working?"

"Yes."

Oh. "Can you just drive around while I call her?"

"Of course."

I pulled my phone out and dialed Anastasia, she answered immediately, like always, it made me smile.

"I hope you haven't been in another accident," she said lowly.

"I miss you," I sighed.

"As do I," she said, "but don't worry, baby, I've got Hawaii set up for us."

"Really?" My mood perked up a little.

"Yes. How did your interviews go?"

"Good, I guess. I really don't like the idea of leaving you though."

"Come work for me," she said again and I was almost considering it.

"How much an hour will I get?" I joked.

"How much do you want?" She was serious. Shit.

"I want you."


	19. Hawaii Dreams

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 19**

"This house is amazing," I said, dropping my bags just inside the door. We were in Hawaii.

Taylor brought Anastasia's suitcase in before leaving.

"He's not staying with us, is he?" I asked.

"No," Anastasia smiled, "well, not in the house, there's a guest house."

"Oh, cool." I wasn't sure if I liked this arrangement, I wanted to be totally alone with Anastasia, but if she needed him around to feel safe then he'd be here.

"Don't worry," she came over to me, "this house is completely private with its own private beach. Taylor's just here so we don't have to go out."

Well that sounded good. I smiled, wrapping my arms around her, leaning back so I could look at her.

"Thank you for this," I said.

"You deserve it, Christian, you did something I couldn't, finish college." She laughed lightly, smiling widely.

"Why did you quit?" I asked. It didn't sound like her at all.

"It was a waste of time," she shrugged, not moving out of my embrace. "I was doing an internship and realized I could already run a similar company. It made sense to quit. It was a gamble, everyone told me not to do it, but one person believed in me and that's all I needed."

"Is that why you want me to do this internship?" I asked. "Because I'd love to become your boy toy or whatever they're called and spend all my time in your amazing apartment."

"Do we need to talk about this?" she asked me, pulling away and walking further into the massive beach house. I could see the sea from here and the view was spectacular.

"About what?" I followed her onto the balcony.

"Several times you've mentioned not wanting to work, you know I don't care if you do or not." She didn't? "I think you should at least try though. My internship led me to where I am today and yours could do the exact same thing. It's a chance for you to find yourself, Christian."

Maybe she was right.

"Let's table this discussion for now," I said. "We both know there's a good chance I failed my interviews, you know just how good I am at them, I suck."

"I'm sure you did fine," she smiled, "and if not, I'll give you an internship. Pay rate pending."

Pending… Oh fuck, I asked for her, was she thinking of given herself to me? Fuck yes. I smiled so widely.

"I love you, my sweet boy." She placed her hands on my cheeks and pulled my lips to hers, kissing me. Fuck yes, I loved Hawaii. "We should get unpacked."

She pulled away from me and I watched her go. That was the second time she'd told me she loved me. It made me feel all fuzzy inside, but I hadn't said it back. Aside from her physically distancing herself from me after she says it, I really didn't think she was ready to hear it from me. Whenever I tried to give her a compliment or tell her how I felt she got hostile. I would tell her one day, when we were both ready.

We got unpacked and the bedroom was amazing, a four poster bed with white linen and a white canopy, it looked like fucking heaven and the view was just as amazing. I fell back onto the bed grinning like a fool. We were only here for less than three days and I already didn't want to leave.

"You're so happy," Anastasia said.

"So are you."

Her face dropped and it reminded me why I couldn't say anything or make a big deal about her declaration of love. She battled with herself and when she settled, she smiled.

"I am." I knew it was hard for her to admit, but she did. "What do you want to do?" she asked.

"I don't know, what do you want?" My question caught her off guard.

"Not many people ask me that," she said. "I have plans for this vacation, but for now, I think I just want to relax with you. Are you hungry?"

"Not really. I could go for a nap if anything, join me?" I asked.

She considered it. "I haven't taken a nap since, well, ever. Unless I was sick."

Oh, this was a big step for her then.

"What will you do?" she asked.

"Hold you, nap with you," I said. "I like sleeping with you in my arms."

"So do I."

I smiled as she made her decision. Her movements were shy, but she kicked off her shoes and laid on the bed with me, resting her head and hand on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her. I was so content, I wanted to tell her, this was my moment.

"I love you, you know that, right?" I bit the bullet, but she tensed in my arms, fuck.

"I know, baby."

I sighed in relief, I'd said it and we we were good.

* * *

We had our nap yesterday and ended up eating in. Taylor went and got some fancy seafood dinner and set it up for us. There were candles and everything, it was so romantic. I expected Anastasia to have a problem with it, but then I realized she was the one who gave Taylor the orders. That night we just stayed in, wrapped up in each other's arms. I could see her slowly loosening up, accepting my touch without reacting negatively, it was good.

Today was a beach day. I'd been in the water several times, but Anastasia was staying on the beach, lounging on her chair. She was wearing a bikini, it was white and fuck hot, but as soon as we left the house, she put a wrap on and hadn't taken it off. She wasn't even soaking up the sun. She stayed safely under the huge umbrella Taylor had set up before leaving us alone. I didn't care because she was smiling the whole time. I could tell she thrived on my happiness and I was so happy.

The water was clear and warm. I kept trying to coax her into it, but I could tell she was afraid. I was almost at the stage of picking her up and throwing her in, but I was certain that crossed way too many of her barriers. I slowly walked out of the water and made my way over to her. Collapsing on my lounger which was half in the shade of her umbrella and half in the sun.

"Having fun?" she asked, pulling her sunglasses off even though she didn't need them in the shade.

"Yeah, the water's really refreshing, you should try it." I grabbed my drink, I didn't know what it was, but it was fruity and alcoholic.

"Maybe later," she promised and it was so sweet. "I like watching you."

"I can tell."

"I think you need more sunscreen though, I don't want you getting burned."

Yes please. Anastasia had already rubbed me down with sunscreen twice and it was exquisite. I rolled onto my back, already waiting.

"Steady," she said, laughing lightly before straddling my hips.

Her hands touched me everywhere and it was amazing, I loved her touch. Once she covered my arms and back thoroughly, she got off and did my legs before telling me to turn over. I did and I was surprised when she straddled my dick, ready to do my face and chest. She took extra time, wriggling around. She was trying to be subtle, but I didn't care. I wanted to grab her hips or even just thrust up at her, but I knew she was worried about that so I didn't. I hoped she saw my restraint and ended up rewarding me.

When she was done, she got up and I was too relaxed. I closed my eyes just enjoying the sun and my limbs being all fucking jelly. It was so good. I was half out of it so I didn't notice her undoing my swim shorts until she'd pulled them down. I lifted myself to help her and she pulled my underwear down too. What was she planning? Her hand went straight to my dick, rubbing it sensuously as her other hand spread sunscreen on my hips.

"Can't have you getting burned," she murmured, but I didn't fucking care as long as she kept rubbing me.

She picked up her pace and I grunted. I thrust a little, trying to show her how much I was enjoying her touch. I was almost there. I could feel her mouth on me and my eyes shot open to watch and I could see her, I wasn't blind for once. Anastasia ran her tongue around the head of my dick and it looked so hot, then she took it into her mouth and I hissed. I wanted to throw my head back but I didn't dare, I wasn't missing a second of this.

She started going down further and I remembered this was the first time she'd done this on a real dick, fuck that was hot, and she was right, she knew what she was doing. She removed her hand, she didn't need it. She inched further and further down. I could feel her throat and I kept myself steady. Her hand went to my balls, playing with them, squeezing lightly. I groaned and as I did, she engulfed my whole length.

Feeling surrounded by her mouth and throat was amazing and it made me imagine what sex with her would feel like. That was all it took. My orgasm took me by surprise and I ended up thrusting a little, I couldn't help it. She pulled back so only my head was in her mouth. Fuck, I wasn't expecting that at all. She milked me dry, swallowing it all before sitting back impressed with herself.

"I think I might enjoy that more than you." She smirked, sitting down.

I disagreed, but who was I to tell her she was wrong.

"Can I ask you something?" I rolled onto my front and half hid my face between my folded-up arms.

"Of course," she said, but I could tell she was hesitant.

"You're a workaholic, there's always a million phone calls, emails, the works, but this trip, nothing. Did you even bring your phone with you?"

"No." Her answer surprised me. "Ros is in charge. If anything is dire, she can call Taylor, but I've instructed her not to. It's only a few days, Christian, whatever happens can wait. You're more important to me."

Shit, fuck, damn. She was choosing me over work, over the empire she built, fuck.

"Thank you," I said, somewhat at a loss, "though I will admit I miss CEO-you, she's hot. I love seeing you bossing other people around."

"If you come and work for me," she said, "you can see it all the time."

Tempting, so tempting, but I'd been thinking about what she said and her speech at graduation. I needed to get out there and find my feet, I knew I was afraid of failing or realizing college was a complete waste of time and money, but I needed to do it.

"Come into the water with me," I said, but she didn't budge. "Come on, baby, you're so hot, I think we need to cool you down."

"Christian, I don't like the water."

"At all?"

"No."

I could see her fear now, but it wasn't like I was going to drag her out into the ocean, I just wanted to play with her in the shallows.

"Don't you trust me?" I asked.

"Of course, baby, I love you." She said it so earnestly and my heart still soared.

"Let's go inside and have some fun then."

She shook her head no. "Not today."

Not today? We only had one full day left, what was she waiting for? I accepted her answer because I knew she had this trip planned out fully.

* * *

Later that afternoon, we finally came inside and I was so tired from the sun. I checked my phone and I had a missed call from a number I didn't recognize, I listened to the voicemail.

"Hey, Chris, this is Elizabeth Morgan from SIP, we'd like to offer you the internship, please call me back when you get this."

And that was that, my future was set.

"What's wrong?" Anastasia asked.

"I got the internship at SIP."

"Congratulations, Christian," she smiled, bringing me into a hug. I forgot my worries and hugged her back. "I think you'll do well there, it's a small firm, so you won't get lost, and I know you'll show them your worth."

"You really think so." I pulled back from the hug.

"Of course," she said, "you impress me daily."

That made me feel better. "Okay, let me call them back and accept."

Anastasia smiled proudly at me and went over to the fridge. I dialed the number and waited.

"Seattle Independent Publishing, this is Claire, how may I direct your call?"

"Yes, this is Chris Grey calling Elizabeth Morgan back."

"Of course, Chris, please hold."

Anastasia was still smiling proudly at me and it made me feel good.

"Christian." Fuck, it was Jacklyn.

"Hi, umm, yeah, I'm just returning Elizabeth's call. I'm very interested in accepting the internship."

"That's good to hear," Jacklyn said, "I was hoping you'd say yes. Are you right to start on Monday, say 8:30?"

"Yes."

"Good, I'll get Elizabeth to email you any documents and information you need to fill out and I look forward to seeing you then."

I hung up the phone without saying goodbye.

"What's wrong?" Anastasia asked.

"My new boss creeps me out." … _Because she reminds me of you_ , I didn't add that part, thankfully.

"I'm sure you're just nervous, Christian. You've seen me, I can be a completely different person at work, maybe they're the same."

Maybe, but Anastasia was wrong about one thing, she was the same with everyone but me. Maybe Jacklyn was just being friendly, she hadn't done anything to me except weird me out and that was all on me. I was sure it would be fine. I had an internship in my chosen field, I let that thought overtake me and I smiled, this was good news.

"Let's celebrate," Anastasia handed me a glass of champagne.

I smiled, taking a sip of my drink, no matter what, everything would be okay because I had Anastasia by my side.

* * *

"Wake up," Anastasia said and I groaned. "Come on, Christian, please."

What was going on? I opened my eyes and she was already dressed for the day, but it was still dark out. I turned from her.

"Come on, baby, I want to show you something, you're going to love it."

I was definitely intrigued, but the bed was so warm.

"You spoil everything," she said, pulling the bedding off me, "don't you want to come soaring with me?" I could hear her pouting, fuck.

Soaring? What was that? It took a second for my brain to catch up, soaring, in a plane, fuck yes. I sat up, still half asleep and she was smiling at me so brightly.

"We're going soaring?" I asked.

"Yes," she beamed, "just you, me, and the sunrise."

Fuck.

"Come on," she said, "we're on a tight schedule."

How could I deny her? She was so excited, plus, I really wanted to fly with her again.

I dragged myself out of bed and she had already laid my clothes out, thank fuck, I was still not thinking clearly. When I entered the kitchen, she handed me a coffee, it was appreciated, but it didn't have nearly enough sugar in it. I drank it anyway. She was pushing me out the door, I guess we were already late.

Taylor drove us and I spent the whole time watching Anastasia, she was brimming with excitement and it sure was a sight.

By the time we reached the airfield, I was awake and coherent, thankfully, I didn't want to miss a second of this.

"It's called chasing the dawn," Anastasia said, "I've done it in several places, but always alone and nowhere as beautiful as Hawaii. We'll be able to see everything."

She was so excited and I could see Taylor smiling in the rearview mirror. Her good mood was affecting us both.

"Are you up for this?" she asked me.

Was she crazy? I didn't even bother answering her. Flying in her helicopter was a dream come true, soaring in a glider with her… well, I never thought it was possible, but apparently it was and I was so fucking excited.

She leaned over and kissed me. I liked this side of her, ever since being in Hawaii she had been so open, hugging me, kissing me, telling me she loved me. I was afraid of what would happen when we left.

We parked near a hanger, I was so ready for this. It was starting to get light, dawn was upon us. I didn't care if we missed it, this would be an amazing experience regardless. She took my hand and led the way. I looked at all the planes, trying to remember their names. It had been a long time since I last made a model, I missed it. Taylor walked in front of us and started talking to a man while we stopped by the gliders.

"I love soaring," Anastasia said, "no engines, just the air keeping you from falling, it's so freeing. I can't wait to share this with you, Christian."

"Me either, baby."

We met the tow pilot and Anastasia went through everything that was needed, I hung back and looked at the planes, I didn't need to hear all the technical crap.

When ready, Anastasia led me over to the glider we'd be using and I could no longer contain my excitement. I ran my hand over the sleek body, fuck this was happening.

Anastasia helped me into my parachute. I climbed into the glider and she strapped me securely into the front seat.

"Nervous?" she asked me.

"Fucking excited," I said and my face fell, how could I swear? I'd been doing so good lately.

"Oh, my sweet boy," Anastasia leaned forward and kissed me, "hold on tight, baby."

She wasn't mad? Hawaii really did agree with her.

Anastasia strapped herself in and the guy who was piloting the plane came over and checked us before shutting the cockpit lid. I watched him out the window as he went over to the plane attached to us by a cable and started it up.

"I love you," I said, it just slipped out.

"I know, baby."

The plane taxied down the runway and we were pulled forward, this was it. Before I knew it, we were up in the air. The sun was still rising and it looked so beautiful, Hawaii from above wasn't half bad either. How was I supposed to go back to Seattle and start working after experiencing all this? Couldn't we just travel the world together? That would be the best life.

"Release," Anastasia commanded and suddenly the pull was gone.

A moment later, we were all alone in the silence, it was peaceful.

We were floating above Oahu and it was breathtakingly beautiful.

Anastasia banked and we headed towards the sun, this was it, we were flying close to the sun. I was reminded of _Icarus_ , but I didn't care, I felt safe with Anastasia and confident that we could handle anything that came our way.

We continued spiraling and the light and views were amazing. I still couldn't believe what I was doing or that Anastasia was flying us, she was in complete control, this was what she loved, what she craved.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" she said.

"Yes," I panted, I couldn't help it, I was starting to feel overwhelmed, but in a good way.

"See that joystick in front of you? Grab it."

Fuck, she was giving me control, I didn't know how I felt about this.

I grabbed it and it stopped jerking.

"Keep it steady," she said, "you see that middle dial in front of you, keep the needle dead center."

Okay, this wasn't too hard. I was actually flying a fucking glider, shit, wait until I tell Ray about this.

"You're doing well, baby," she said.

"Why'd you let me take control?" I asked, still unsure if I liked the notion of it. Her being in control was one of my favorite things.

"Just trying something new," she said. "Back to me now."

I let go and she took control again. Flying the glider was amazing and I was going to tell anyone and everyone about it, maybe I'd even put it on my resumé.

We spiraled down and the ground got closer and closer. I couldn't believe we were landing already, I wanted to stay up there forever, it was so peaceful.

"Hang on, Christian," she said, "this can get rough."

After another circle, we hit the ground and raced across the grass before coming to a stop. Shit, it was over. Could we go again? The glider dipped and Anastasia got out before unbuckling me.

"How was that?" she asked.

"Can we go again?"

"Sure," she smiled, "but not today, baby, I have plans."

Plans, I liked the sound of that.

* * *

I was tied to the four-poster bed with silk scarves, waiting for Anastasia to get on with her plan. We were both still riding our high after our gliding session this morning.

My wrists were secured together to the headboard and I pulled on the restraints, I wasn't going anywhere. My legs were the same, tied together at the ankles and then to the end of the bed. I was stretched out completely, straight as a rod, and so was my dick. Fuck.

"I'm not going to blindfold you," Anastasia came back into the room dressed in a robe, it threw me for a second.

She pulled the curtains closed, but they were sheer, so they still let in a lot of light, it was just muted now. She undid her robe, but didn't take it off. I didn't need her to, her action allowed it to open up enough for me to see that she was completely naked underneath, fuck, and she wasn't going to blindfold me. Fuck me.

"What to do with you… What to do." She drummed her fingers against her lips. "I like you tied up like this, there's so many possibilities. This doesn't mean I'll give it to you, but what do you want, Christian?"

Fuck. Her, to cum, sex, the riding crop… There were too many options.

"First," I said, trying to milk this for more than it was worth, "I want to feel some pain, maybe you can do some edging, and then I want to cum."

Fuck, I groaned, please say yes.

"I think I can do that," she smiled. "Oh, and Christian, it's just Ana, not sir, understand?"

Fuck. "Yes, Ana."

"I want you to talk freely, no swearing, remember your safe words, but you won't need them." She seemed confident. "I have big plans for today and trust me when I say you'll want them, so be a good boy."

I nodded my head, moaning in anticipation.

"Now, I'm a little unprepared, I didn't exactly bring anything with me," she said, going over to the closet and coming back with my belt. Fuck, yes. "How do you feel about me using this on you? I'm not punishing you, Christian, so it won't be overly hard."

"Yes, please." I panted.

"Very well. I will do as you said, pain while keeping you on the brink of orgasm, if you're good, I'll let you cum."

Fuck, yes. I was so ready.

Anastasia knelt on the bed, closing the canopy behind her so we were blanketed, it also darkened the room some more, but I could still see her. She knelt by my side and I got a great view of her tight stomach and side boob, fuck she was hot. I forgot she had the belt until it hit my skin. It bit, but it felt good. I groaned and tried to shift, but I wasn't going anywhere.

She landed two more blows, one on each thigh, before she ran the hard leather edge of the belt up the length of my dick. I was already hard, dripping pre-cum and so close. She knew this. She landed a quick blow on each of my nipples, fuck that felt good.

"Again," I moaned and she did it again. Ah, fuck.

She set the belt down and leaned forward, sucking on my nipples. I groaned, shit, pleasure with pain, it was so hot. As she was sucking, her hand found my dick and she stroked it. She was really good at telling when I was close because just when I was about to blow my load, she would stop and pick up the belt, keeping me on the edge. It was intense and so good.

Thirty minutes passed, she was taking this slow. The belt was painful but delicious, and her tongue was soothing. Fuck, I didn't know how much more I could take.

"I've been going back and forth a lot in my head," she whispered, playing with my dick and balls. "I want this vacation to be unforgettable in more ways than one. I'm sure you've noticed the changes in me, I wanted to see what it would be like if I wasn't fucked up. I tried to leave all my problems in Seattle and I think I succeeded. There's one more thing I want to give you, Christian."

She stopped playing with me and knelt back. I looked at her confused as she shrugged the robe off so I could see her fully. Shit, fuck, damn. I wanted her, so badly. I stared at her, I had no choice, I couldn't touch her so I simply admired her beauty. Her hand went to my dick again.

"Are you close?" she asked.

"So close." I panted.

"How long can you hold off?"

Her question confused me. "I don't know, not long."

"Once we get going, you can cum when you want."

I was still confused, but I nodded my head anyway. Something flashed across her face, uncertainty perhaps, but then it was gone. She moved on the bed so she was straddling me. Fuck, was this it? It couldn't be, could it?

"Steady," she warned me and I groaned, this was it.

Anastasia grabbed my dick and lined it up. Fuck, this was too much. Seeing her naked above me, knowing what she was about to do, I had no doubt this would be a quick fuck. Why did I tell her to edge me? If I had known her plans I wouldn't have. Shit, I needed to stop thinking so much and focus on her.

She rubbed my dick up and down her sex, getting it wet and I knew she had done this before, but only with a toy. Fuck, I groaned, but didn't move. She pushed the head in and threw her head back. I wanted to thrust up so badly, but I couldn't, plus, I didn't want to cum too soon. She slowly sunk down on me and the feeling was indescribable. It had been far too long since I'd been with a woman and I'd never been with one I loved before.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I didn't want to cum too soon. Steady, I needed to stay steady. Anastasia's eyes meet mine and she settled completely, skin against skin. Fuck, she was so tight and warm and wet and fuck. I groaned and closed my eyes. She started moving and my eyes opened just as quick, I didn't want to miss a second of this.

Her movements were slow at first, hesitant, but she picked up speed as she gained confidence. She was so regal, so free, so mine. I groaned again, it was the only way I could express my pent-up frustration. She felt too good and the more speed she picked up, the closer I got. Fuck, I wanted this moment to last forever, but I knew it wouldn't.

She leaned forward, resting her hands on my chest, her hair falling forward, ticking my sides. Fuck, she wasn't making this easy. I pulled against my restraints to stop myself from bucking my hips. I couldn't fuck this up, not when she was trusting me. Her fingers curled up, fingernails digging into my skin. Shit, this was it.

I groaned loudly, thrusting up once, as I came buried deep inside her. Fuck, fuck, fuck, that was so good. She continued moving, slowly, milking me. Fuck. When I was done and my dick went limp, she pulled off me. Fuck, I missed her instantly, when could we do it again?

"Get up here," I said gruffly, "I want to make you cum with my tongue."

She was surprised, but she clambered up and straddled my mouth. I got to work quickly not wanting her to fall far from her high. She deserved to cum after being so brave for me. I pulled out every trick I knew. I wanted her to cum hard and fast, I wanted it to end so I could lay with her in my arms and decompress together.

I bit her clit and she came hard, fuck. I could taste her juice mixed with my cum, but I didn't fucking care. I made sure she was clean and then she did the same for me. She kissed my mouth before moving to my dick and swallowing it in one go, fuck. When clean, she untied my legs, stretching them out and rubbing them before untying my arms and doing the same.

When the feeling returned, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me, she didn't resist or tense up.

"Thank you," I said. It may be stupid or clichéd, but I didn't fucking care. "Are you okay?" I asked next.

"Yeah," she said softly. "Can we not talk at the moment? I need to process this."

That was fine by me. I closed my eyes, running my hand through her hair, aware that her naked body was pressed against mine. We laid like this for a while before she pulled away and put her robe back on.

"I don't want to go home," I said, sitting up, watching her.

"What do you mean?" she asked, guarded.

"Can't we stay here, or travel the world? You have enough money, I'm sure you could retire, we could be happy."

"Aren't we already happy?" she asked confused. "I need to work, Christian, I enjoy it, it's me."

"I just don't want to lose this, you've been so open and free and I'm afraid things will change when we get back."

"You're right," she said and my heart sunk, "but I promise I'll try to be more open. This vacation has been eye opening, Christian, I don't want to forget or lose any of this. I like where we are and where we're going."

"So, the sex was okay?" I asked.

"It was hard," she admitted, "but easier than I expected. I'm not sure I'm ready for you to be on top and in charge, but I'd like to try again."

"Tonight?" I asked hopefully.

"We're leaving tonight."

Right. "You own the plane, we can be late."

"The plane is booked to take Ros to Darfur tomorrow morning, we can't stay any longer."

"We could always take a commercial flight back," I said.

Anastasia screwed up her face at that. "No, thank you." She sighed. "You need to relax, Christian, I know you're afraid things will change, but they won't. I love you."

"Fine," I pouted, crossing my arms, "we'll go home."

"Yes," she smiled before kissing me, "home."


	20. The End

**Fifty Grades of Steele Chapter 20**

"Thank god it's the weekend," I said as I collapsed on Anastasia's couch, "I'm not ready to share you yet."

"Me either, baby." She went to the kitchen and busied herself.

We'd arrived back from Hawaii last night and what a trip that was. Anastasia was a new person, the person she'd be if she didn't have her demons. It was good to see, it made me feel hopeful for our future. She let me touch her, she touched me, we had sex; I couldn't wait to try it again. I couldn't keep the smile off my face, I loved her so much.

Anastasia came over to me holding two glasses of wine and my heart sunk, it wasn't anything obvious, but I could see she was get tenser with every moment that passed. She was putting her walls back up. I wished we could've stayed in Hawaii away from all of her reminders and triggers, but that wasn't possible. I started work on Monday and Anastasia had to go back too. At least we had this weekend.

"Excuse me, Miss Steele," Taylor announced, "do you need anything else from me this weekend?"

"No, Taylor, tell Sophie I said hi."

Taylor matched Anastasia's smile. "I will."

A few moments later Gail appeared. "Miss Steele, is it still okay if I take the weekend off? It's okay if you say no, you just got back and there's not much food. I could make something now or cook you a meal for tonight before I leave."

"Gail, it's fine, take the weekend off, you deserve it."

Gail looked shocked, was this the first-time Anastasia had used her first name? I wasn't sure, but I was glad Anastasia was still somewhat in Hawaii-mode.

Gail left and I smiled at Anastasia, she brushed it off.

"What do you want to do tonight?" she asked, sipping her wine.

"We're completely alone," I stated.

"Well done, Christian, you're very observant. Please answer me when I ask you a question."

Tonight, right. There were many things I wanted to do and on top of my list was to have sex with her again, but I didn't know how to approach it.

"Can we make out on the couch?" I asked hopefully.

"I've never done that before," she said and it was the first time I'd seen her looking this small and scared since Hawaii. It broke my heart. Hawaii was an act, that must be it, she was pretending to be someone she wasn't.

"You should try," I pressed, "it's the perfect transition from kissing to more."

Her eyes widened in fear but also surprise. "I've always wondered what it would be like," she admitted.

Yes.

"Set the boundaries," I said, already getting hard, "whatever you want, I will do."

Her face fell. "You shouldn't follow me without hesitation, Christian."

"Isn't that the definition of a submissive?" I asked.

"Yes," she sighed, "but I'm not sure if I want that from you anymore."

She didn't? What did that mean? I wanted to question her but I also wanted to stay on track.

"Name your boundaries," I repeated.

She took another sip of her wine. "I want you to be in charge, but you must respect my boundaries and when I say red, you stop."

I could agree to that and I told her so. Anastasia set her wine down on the coffee table and I did the same. We sat there awkwardly for a moment not knowing how to begin. This was stupid. I leaned forward slowly and touched my lips against her softly. She responded and I deepened the kiss, keeping my hands to myself for now. When I couldn't take the distance anymore, I rested my hands on her neck, helping to guide her. Fuck, I loved kissing her and touching her.

I moved one of my hands to her hip, never breaking the kiss as I slowly laid her down on the couch. She resisted a little, but she was trying so hard for me. When she was horizontal with me above, I pulled back to make sure she was okay. She looked scared, but she nodded her head letting me know she was okay to continue. I lowered myself down so my hips were pressed against hers, but I tried to keep my chest off hers. We started to kiss again and I had to struggle not to lose myself.

My dick was fucking hard and I started pressing it against her, trying to get some friction. She moaned and moved her hips so I was hitting her clit. Fuck, yes. We were grinding desperately and it was exquisite. I placed my hand on her shoulder and she tensed, so I left it there. I wanted to touch her breasts, feel them in my hand, knead them, pull her nipples, suck them. I wanted to make love to them, but I knew she wasn't ready for that and I didn't know if she ever would be.

I needed to do something. I started thrusting harder, fuck, I wanted to cum so badly, but it wasn't enough. I let out a small growl and she tensed again, fuck. I slowed down. I pulled my mouth from hers and kissed her neck instead, licking, sucking, I wanted to mark her. I wanted the world to know she was mine, our matching handcuff bracelets weren't enough anymore. I started sucking harder.

"Red."

Fuck, no. I pulled away even though I didn't want to and stopped all movements. I was so close, why wouldn't she give herself over to me fully? She loved me, what more would it take?

Anastasia was panting heavily. "Let's finish this in the bedroom," she bravely said.

Fuck, yes. I hopped off her and held my hand out. She took it after a beat and I led her to the bedroom.

"I'm in charge now," she said, pushing me back on the bed.

I scrambled backwards in anticipation and rested back on my elbows. Anastasia seemed torn, but then she decided.

"Take off your clothes," she commanded, "all of them."

I did as I was told, I didn't want to derail whatever this was.

Once naked and lying there all desperate, I watched as Anastasia slowly took off her clothes, all of them. She was being so brave, but I could see she was struggling under the surface again. I wanted to stop this, but I wanted her so badly. Being inside her was heaven and I selfishly wanted to be buried again. I kept quiet and let her do her thing, I was confident that she'd use her safe words if needed.

Anastasia climbed on the bed and straddled my thighs. "I'm sorry you can't be in control," she whispered.

"I don't mind," I panted, ready to feel her again.

"Yes, you do." She leaned forward and ran her hand down the side of my face, staring at me. It was as though she was imploring me to do something, but I had no idea what. All thoughts left me as she moved into position.

I couldn't believe we were having sex again so soon, I was a lucky man. "Let me hold it," I said as I reached for my dick and held it up for her.

Anastasia smiled sadly and I shifted so my dick was rubbing against her sex. She moaned and so did I, she was so warm and wet. She found the right position and sunk down on my length ever so slowly. I hissed and my head tilted backwards. Anastasia grunted almost in pain and I opened my eyes. Her face was screwed up and her pace picked up almost to the point of pain. She was trying to do this hard and fast, she wanted it over and done with. I should've safe worded for her, but I didn't.

The pain started to feel good and I raised my hips to meet her thrust for thrust. Anastasia leaned forward and kissed me once before pulling back and grabbing my hands and putting them on her bare breasts. Fuck, they were so soft, warm and perfect. Her hands fell from mine and I started massaging her breasts. Fuck. I pulled on her nipples and she hissed, but I pushed forward. I raised my hips to meet hers and sucked one of her nipples for a second before pulling back and looking at her.

Her head was still backwards. Confident she was doing fine, my mouth found her nipple again and I sucked harder. She growled and grunted, riding me as fast as she could. I was close, too close. I wanted her to cum as well. I thrust into her with everything I had, but it wasn't enough. I started cumming, and as I did, my hands and mouth left her breasts and I stared at her from below. She was so beautiful.

Anastasia didn't stop riding me and a moment later she came as well. Fuck, yes. She continued to ride out the waves of her orgasm and I watched her. When her movements came to a stop, her eyes were closed. I stayed still, I didn't want to ruin this. It was great. Anastasia's eyes finally opened and they were full of so much pain, hurt, and unshed tears. Fuck.

I put my hands on her hips and pushed her off me before pulling her into my arms and holding on tightly. Anastasia started crying and she didn't hold back.

"It hurt," she said through her tears, "physically hurt, but I wanted to do it for you. I love you so much, Christian, and I want to be who you need, but I don't know if I can."

I now regretted not safe wording when I thought about it. Seeing my girl broken and upset was not worth this. I should've forgotten myself and put her first. Why hadn't I? I was so selfish.

"It's okay," I tried to reassure her. "We don't have to do it again. It's okay, I'll take what I can. Please don't push yourself too far. I love you too, baby, so fucking much and I don't want to lose you."

Anastasia slowly calmed down and her crying ceased. I pulled back so I could look at my beautifully broken girl.

"We need to start communicating more," I whispered. "I haven't been doing a good job lately and I'm sorry, but you need to be honest with me as well. I don't like seeing you like this, it hurts me. When you're in pain, I am too. Please, Ana, be honest with me."

"I don't know if I can have sex with you," she admitted.

"What about Hawaii?" I asked.

"I wasn't myself in Hawaii," she said and my heart fell, I knew it, "I was who I wanted to be."

Oh, that wasn't that bad. She wanted to be better, we were just moving too fast.

"We need to slow down," I said, dropping my head, this was partly my fault. I pulled Anastasia to my chest and held her tightly. "We're going to slow down." I was resolved not to push her any further. We needed time, not progress.

"Thank you, Christian. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I said, "you mean more to me than sex." And she did. It would be hard, but we would get there with time.

* * *

"Anastasia?" someone called out and I groaned, holding her to me tighter. "Anastasia?"

The bedroom door opened and I looked at whoever was disturbing us. It was her father Carrick.

"Oh, sorry," he said.

Thankfully we were covered up. I let go of Anastasia and sat up. What was he doing here? I now realized the importance of having Gail and Taylor here, they stopped the interruptions.

"Cary, what are you doing here?" I asked quietly, not wanting to disturb Anastasia.

He seemed to snap out of his shock. "Elliot wanted to come and see his big sister, though I think he wanted to see you too."

Me?

"Can you give me a minute?" I asked.

"Yeah, sure, Chris."

Carrick left the room and I groaned. Anastasia was still sleeping peacefully and I wanted to leave her that way. She'd been pushing herself too hard so the more sleep she could get the better. I pulled away from her completely and she let out a small whimper as she tried to find where I went. I threw her my flannel shirt and she gripped it tightly, burying her nose in it as she hugged it to her chest. Shit, I wished I could stay in her arms all morning.

I used the bathroom and made myself presentable before kissing Anastasia on the forehead and making my way out into the main room. Elliot was sitting at the breakfast bar as Carrick looked in the fridge.

"Good morning," I said as I approached them.

"Chris," Elliot beamed, huge smile on his face.

"Hey, Elliot." I returned his smile as I got the coffeemaker started. I missed Gail, she always had my coffee ready and waiting for me. "How have you been?" I asked.

"Good," he said. "I won the science fair at my school, I was working on some plans for eco-friendly timber and other resources in building houses. If I win our district I get to go to state."

"Wow, that's impressive."

"I came to ask Anastasia for some money," Elliot said, "I need investors."

"Investors for what?" I asked, making my coffee and turning to face him. Carrick still had his head stuck in the fridge. I looked at him curiously, but he was too busy doing something weird.

"I think I've discovered a new material to build with, but I need to construct a model home and test its strength. I need money for the supplies and someone who's good at building models."

"I used to build model aircrafts," I told him, smiling at the memory.

"Cool, so you'll help me build it and Anastasia can fund it."

"I'm sure she won't mind," I said and Elliot beamed. "What are you doing?" I asked Carrick.

He pulled his head out of the fridge and tinted pink with embarrassment. "Nothing," he said.

Elliot rolled his eyes. "He's checking to see if she still keeps the sugar in the fridge. He's worried she's changing, but I think it's good."

This family was so weird.

"What do you think about that?" Carrick asked me, shutting the fridge.

"Well, I wouldn't put sugar in the fridge, but who am I to judge." I shrugged.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and sent Anastasia a message warning her that her father and brother were here so when she woke up she could be prepared. It was already past eleven, we slept in.

"No, about Anastasia changing," he clarified.

Oh, I didn't want to discuss it with him.

"I think it's good," I settled on.

"But aren't you worried that she's losing herself, maybe changing to be who you want?"

What right did he have?

"Maybe she's just becoming who she's supposed to be without any negative influences," I supplied.

"What do you mean by that?" Carrick asked and I noted that Elliot was watching us intensely.

He was only fifteen, which meant that he would've only been around six when Anastasia left for college, he probably didn't have many memories about her home life. He was fifteen… Fuck, the same age Anastasia was when her mother's friend got her claws into her. Was Elena gay, straight or bi? I couldn't shake the thought that maybe she would go after Elliot too. Fuck.

"Chris, I asked you a question," Carrick said, echoing Anastasia's words.

How much had she absorbed from them? She thinks her formative years fucked her up and I bet they did, but so had her family and Elena. My poor girl never had a chance, until now.

"Ana's at a good place," I said, "just leave her be."

"She's our daughter."

I wasn't going to argue with the man.

"Elliot, how much money do you need for this project?" I asked.

"Oh, umm," he faltered, "I have a business plan and pitch, dad says I need to do this the proper way as though it was real business."

Seriously? I could see the merits, but the boy was fifteen and Anastasia was his sister.

"I'm sure Anastasia will be up shortly," I said.

"Can you wake her?" Carrick asked.

I wanted to say no, but frankly I'd rather be with her than out here with her dad.

"Sure." I smiled tightly.

I entered Anastasia's bedroom and she was still sleeping soundly, wrapped in my shirt, it was cute. I laid on the bed next to her and traced her face, it took her a moment to wake and when she did, she blinked her eyes a few times.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Nearing 11:30."

"Shit, I'm late." Anastasia pushed away from me and scrambled out of bed.

I stood up. "Your father and brother are here."

"Shit." Hearing her swear was unnerving.

"Don't worry about them," I said, "I've got it covered. You just focus on getting ready."

I didn't know she had plans today.

I left the room and rejoined Carrick and Elliot.

"She's up," I said, "but she's running late so now might not be a good time."

Elliot's face fell.

"That's my daughter," Carrick said tightly, "always busy when it comes to family."

I had to defend her. "She actually mentioned she was late before she knew you were here."

Carrick's face fell, take that.

Anastasia came rushing out of the bedroom only half put together. She grabbed my coffee and hissed at the sweetness. "Shit," she muttered again before grabbing her car keys. No Taylor, maybe I should drive her.

"Dad, Elliot, nice to see you, I've got to run." Anastasia turned to me and she slowed down. "I love you, baby," she kissed my lips, "it's just a lunch date, I'll be back soon."

I nodded and smiled, and then she was gone. I turned back to Carrick and Elliot, could I kick them out? Thankfully they left just after Anastasia and I was glad to be alone.

Anastasia's apartment seemed too big without her in it. I was at a loss of what to do while she was gone. I went over to her grand piano and hit a few keys, I still didn't know if she played or if it was just a piece of art. Next I went to her office and sat down at her desk. I was reminded of the contract, I grabbed the wrong one. I searched the other top drawer and found the one I was supposed to get.

It was very similar, but it didn't list males as a hard limit and it had inflicting pain as a soft limit. I was sure there were other changes, but without the other contract to compare, I couldn't be sure. It didn't matter, not now, I hoped we were past the need for a contract. We were doing good, great even, we just needed to work on our communication and make it what it once was.

* * *

I was watching TV when Anastasia returned and I turned it off, wanting to be in her arms. It didn't take me long to notice that she'd been crying. What happened? I assumed it was a business lunch. Who did I need to kill? I tried to hug her, but she pushed me aside. I watched her unsure on what to do.

Anastasia grabbed a bottle of hard liquor and drank it straight from the bottle. Her behavior was scaring me. I stood numbly near the kitchen counter.

"I want you to go." Her voice was oddly calm and firm.

"W-what?" I stuttered.

"I want you to leave," she repeated, taking another swig from the bottle. "I can't do this, I thought I could, but I can't. You're too good for me and you're not what I want."

Where was this coming from?

"Ana, please."

"Don't call me that, never call me that again," she spat.

"I'm confused, help me understand. Are you okay?"

"No."

"Do you need some space from me?"

"Yes."

Fuck, but if she needed it, I would give it to her. I knew I was pushing her too hard, too fast.

"For how long?"

"Forever."

No.

"No."

"Christian, you don't get a say in this." Her voice was so bitter. "I've made my decision and I want you gone. Please leave."

"I'm not leaving."

I stood my ground. I wasn't giving up on this, I wasn't giving up on her. What happened? Who did she go and see? What did they tell her?

"Fine." Anastasia picked up her phone. "Taylor, I need you here now. …I don't care. Come as fast as you can or you're out of a job." She hung up.

"You really need to treat your employees better."

"Why are you still here?" She took another swig of alcohol before sitting on the couch with the bottle.

I stood there. What was going on? I needed answers.

"Who did you have lunch with?" I asked.

"Elena."

Fuck, the child abuser.

"What did she tell you?"

"The truth."

"And what exactly is the truth?" I knew someone had poisoned her. I was right before, we were doing good, but the people in Anastasia's life didn't want what was best for her, they wanted her to stay the same.

"I can't be with you."

"Yes, you can. We're good together. I love you, you love me. Can't you see that?" I held up my handcuff bracelet. "We're in this together, you know that."

"I want that back."

"You're not getting it, it's mine." I hid my wrist behind my back. "I don't know what that bitch said to you, but I love you, Ana, and I won't ever stop."

"I don't love you, not anymore, it was all an act."

Lies, they were all lies. She couldn't even stick to one reason.

"Stop lying to yourself. Elena abused you as a child, now she's abusing you as an adult."

"No, she's not. Elena has only ever wanted the best for me. I wouldn't be where I am today without her, I owe her everything. Just leave already."

"You really want me to go," I said.

"Are you fucking listening to me?" she asked. "That's what I want."

"Then what?"

"What are you talking about?"

"If I leave, then what?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said, "it's over, Christian. I never should've pursued you, it was a mistake. Kate should've been the one to interview me, then she would've became my submissive and I would've fucked her over like I did all the others. Being with you was a mistake. Males are a hard limit for me, I don't know why I ever thought I could change. Hawaii was a lie, that wasn't me. Sex with you was painful, it hurt so much, but I did it for you. I'm sick of doing things for you."

There was truth in her words, but I didn't know how much of it was true and how much was lies. I wanted it all to be lies, but I knew that wasn't the case. Sex with me had been hard and painful, she'd told me, I'd seen it on her face and with her tense body. Her words were truthful, but what did that mean for me? I didn't want to leave her or let her go, but she wasn't letting me in.

Taylor arrived and he was dressed so casually, he looked at us confused.

"Taylor, finally," Anastasia stood up. "Please escort Mr. Grey from the building and change the code to the apartment, he won't be coming back."

Taylor wisely said nothing, but he looked at me confused.

"Is there anything I can say that will change your mind?" I asked her.

Anastasia's eyes met mine and there was a softness there, it gave me hope, but then she crushed it with one simple word.

"No."

Anastasia left the room and I looked after her confused. What the hell just happened and what had Elena said to make my girl act this way?

"Mr. Grey," Taylor said formally. Fuck.

I left with him and it was an awkward elevator ride. I still couldn't believe I was leaving, but staying here was getting me nowhere. Maybe Anastasia would realize her mistake once I was gone, maybe the distance would snap her out of it. I could only hope she would miss me as much as I was going to miss her.

Taylor left me in the lobby and went to get the car.

I was sitting in the backseat when he spoke.

"Just give her some time, Chris, Miss Steele tends to overreact and then things even out."

His words didn't ease my pain because I knew Anastasia well, she was broken, ruled by her demons, what if she realized she was better off without me. I pushed her, I made her do things she wasn't comfortable with, things that scared her. Life without me would be simpler, it would be what she was used to. Fuck, I shouldn't have left. She wouldn't let me back in, no one ever chose the hard way. Fuck, I fucked up big time.


	21. Rock Bottom

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 1**

My life sucked. It had been a week since mine and Anastasia's split and I was struggling. All I knew was that Elena, her abuser, had planted some seeds into my girl's mind and now she was running scared. I hated that everyone in Anastasia's life was so against her. Why didn't they want her to get better?

I hadn't given up on her and I wouldn't. I loved her.

Every morning, I sent Anastasia the same text.

 _ **Christian:**_ _Ana, I love you, I miss you, please talk to me_

She never replied.

I'd gone to Escala, but I couldn't even get on the elevator. I'd gone to her work, but some guy named Sawyer kicked me out the moment I entered the ground floor lobby. I couldn't get near her, no matter how hard I tried and it was frustrating. I didn't even know if she was getting my messages, but I had to keep trying.

I'd started my new job on Monday and the work was good, but my boss fucking sucked. Jacklyn Hyde still reminded me of Anastasia, but she was a poor substitute. Where Anastasia commanded respect, Jacklyn just had us shaking in fear. She was so demanding and not in a good way. We all shirked away from her and to make matters worse, she was treating me differently to everyone else. I wouldn't call it better, just different.

They asked me to go to drinks with them on Friday, but I wasn't in the mood for that. Jacklyn made me promise I'd go next week and I saw no way out of it, so I agreed. I hoped things would be better by then. I'd been wracking my brain like crazy trying to figure out how to get close to Anastasia, if I could just talk to her things would be better, but I didn't know her schedule. I had no way of 'accidentally' running into her.

It was currently Sunday afternoon and I was sitting in my new apartment, drinking a beer, completely alone. This wasn't my home, this past week I'd spent in my bed, but I missed Anastasia, I missed her apartment. I couldn't even rely on Kate as a distraction as she was currently in Barbados with her family. I sighed and took another drink.

There was a knock at my door and I almost ignored it, but it wouldn't go away. I groaned and got up. No one knew I lived here. Ray, my father, was off on a fishing trip with his army buddy, so I had no idea who it could be. I opened the door and Anastasia's father and brother, Carrick and Elliot, were standing there.

"Chris," Elliot said, launching himself at me. I patted him on the back, looking at Carrick confused.

"How have you been?" Carrick asked.

I had no idea if he knew about Anastasia and my breakup, probably not knowing how private she was. I decided to say nothing unless he mentioned it.

"Good," I lied, "I just started my new job, so I've been busy, but it's been good. Come in."

I led them into the living room.

"Can I get either of you something to drink or eat?"

"Water please," Elliot said, sliding his backpack off and looking up at me.

"Umm, excuse me, Chris," Carrick said, "but do you mind if I leave Elliot with you." With me? What? "Anastasia gave him the money for his project and he's been bugging me non-stop about your promise." My promise? Oh, right, I told him I'd help him build his model of a house. Shit. "It's due soon, so he really needs to get started. Is that okay? I've got some stuff I need to do in the city."

Elliot looked at me hopefully.

"Sure," I said. I wasn't going to break my promise to the boy.

"Good man," Carrick clapped me on the back before leaving.

I turned to Elliot. "I'll get your water while you set up." I took a little longer than necessary because when I entered the kitchen, I just stood there. This was a promise I made to Elliot while I was still with Anastasia. I wasn't against helping him, I just didn't want to think of her any more than I already did. I got his water and went back to him.

"Look at this," Elliot said, unloading his backpack, "this wood isn't only eco-friendly, but it actually helps produce oxygen. If I can successfully build a model with this and it's strong enough, then I could change the industry."

I tested the small piece of wood in my hands, it was light, but seemed strong. I handed it back to him. "Let me get my glasses," I said.

Once again, I wanted to stay away, but I knew the sooner I could get this over and done with the better. I found my glasses and slid them on. When I got back to the dining room table I was shocked to find that Elliot had a pair on too.

"I didn't know you wore glasses," I said, trying to make conversation. It'd been a long time since I'd talked to a fifteen-year-old.

"I never wear them even though I should." He shrugged.

"Let's get started," I said, "where are the plans?"

"Here," Elliot handed me an iPad, "I got them made by an architect so they'll actually work, I got him to make them simple too, so hopefully there's not much work. I wasn't sure when we could do this. Dad had trouble getting into contact with Anastasia, but once she gave me the funds I bought the material. Then we couldn't get her again when I told her that you had agreed to help me. She told us that you were busy and not to bother you.

"Well, I tried that. I cut all the pieces to the right size, but I couldn't put it together. It was too hard, it kept collapsing on me and no one would help me. Mom's too busy at the hospital and Dad said it's my project, so I need to figure it out on my own. Eventually, Anastasia got sick of us and she gave us your address. I hope this is okay, I noticed that Dad didn't exactly explain or ask if it was okay."

Elliot finally took a breath and I looked at him confused.

"Are you adopted too?" I asked, hoping it wasn't too forward of me.

"Yeah, Mom and Dad adopted us all."

Interesting.

"I don't mind," I said and I really didn't. Seeing the plans, seeing the pieces, it reminded me of all the models I made as a boy and a teen. I stopped making them after High School, College was pretty demanding, that and Kate called me a nerd for making one once. It was easier to be avoided.

"Here," I said, pointing to the plans, "this is the foundation, we need to get this built first."

We got to work, slowly building the foundation. We were using glue and I questioned Elliot about this. I thought if he was seeing how this worked in relation to strength then shouldn't we be using nails or something. He told me that the model was partly for that, but that there was other ways to test the wood's strength.

"To win the district," he said, "I need my project to be impressive. It's good having charts and plans, info, facts and figures, but you need to impress them too. That's what this model will do. I already know it's strong enough, but there's other factors."

I didn't question him anymore, it was going straight over my head. An hour later we had the foundation done and I wondered how long Carrick was going to be gone for.

"Next, we need to get these vertical supports in," I told him, pointing them out.

This part was easier because we already had our base we could attach our posts to it.

"Chris?" Elliot asked.

"Hmm."

"Do you… Umm… Is Anastasia okay? …Are you still together?"

I looked at him as I held my support in place. "Why do you ask that?"

"Dad made me ask her in person and she just seemed sad. I don't know."

"When was this?" I asked. I hated probing him for info on Anastasia, but I was struggling.

"Tuesday."

So, a couple of days after we'd broken up on Sunday.

"Do you know much about her?" I asked. Shit, what was I doing. "Like, about her life. I want to surprise her and you know how private she is. It's hard to get her alone."

Fuck.

"Yeah," Elliot laughed, "I don't know much, but I know that she has a personal trainer, she made me go with her once, the guy is intense. His name's Claude Bastille. He went to the Olympics and everything."

This was definitely good news, maybe I could call him and set up an appointment. Though if he was an Olympian that might not be possible, plus he was probably expensive. Fuck. Why hadn't I spent more time getting to know Anastasia and what she liked to do?

"Umm," Elliot said, "so are you two still together?"

Shit. "Can you keep this between us?" I asked and Elliot nodded his head. "No, we're not."

He gasped. "But I saw you both at the dinner we held, you were happy, you were good for each other. Look at this…" Elliot grabbed the tablet and brought something up. "This was from last night," he said, handing me the iPad.

I looked at it confused, it was a photo of Anastasia at some function. It was odd looking at her after all this time apart. Elliot was right, she looked sad, worse than sad really, she looked devastated, tired even, she was a wreck. Was this the same function she asked me to attend with her? It had to be. Shit, if I had remembered I could've went. Ambushed her, something. It was all pointless. I brought the plans back up.

"Do you still like her?" Elliot asked.

"With all my heart," I admitted.

"Then why aren't you with her?"

Fuck. I groaned, rubbing my face. Why the fuck was I being interrogated by a fifteen-year-old?

"It's not that simple," I said, "she doesn't want me anymore and I can't convince her otherwise."

"Oh," he said, but I wasn't sure if he understood or not. When was Carrick coming back?

"When do you think your dad will be back?" I asked.

"Why? Don't you like being with me?"

Shit, Elliot was hurt.

"No, of course not, I was just wondering."

We got back to work. I needed to keep my mouth shut. Carrick did in fact come back and by that time we'd gotten most of the house completed, thankfully. I hoped Elliot would be able to finish the rest on his own. Before he left, Elliot hugged me.

"Please don't give up on her," he whispered. The fuck?

"Never," I found myself saying back.

They left and I collapsed on the couch. Fuck. I shouldn't have said anything to Elliot, nor should I have tried to get information out of him. "Fuck." I really didn't want to go back to work tomorrow. Maybe I could camp out the front of Anastasia's building or some shit. "Fuck this." I'm getting drunk.

Two more beers down and I find myself on the phone leaving a message for Elizabeth at work. I try to sound pitiful as I lie and tell her that I've come down with the flu and won't be in tomorrow. I figure the flu might even get me a few days off. This week had sucked and I really didn't want to go back. I should've took Anastasia up on her offer to work for her, why was I so stupid?

I fell asleep on the couch at some point and when I woke up my mind was still consumed with Anastasia. She was devastated, she missed me too, I hoped. I had some more drinks until I fell back asleep. I knew what I was doing wasn't healthy, but I needed to deal with my grief somehow. I missed her so fucking much.

When I awoke, I was panting and sweating and something was niggling at my mind. I'd been dreaming, I think, my mind was still hazy from the alcohol. What had I dreamed about? I think my mother Carla was there and there was lots of heat and sun… Shit, no. I scrunched my eyes closed tighter. I was dreaming about my time with them, the memories I'd repressed completely. _No,_ I pleaded, _please don't resurface now._

I got drunk again, maybe if I couldn't keep myself drunk I could avoid any more thoughts, I don't know. I made it so I was aware of nothing. It was better this way, being numb, not thinking, not obsessing, just… existing. Time lost all relevance. I ate occasionally, but I mainly just drank and slept. I didn't have any more dreams, or nightmares. I was barely functioning and that was good.

My head was pounding, no, it was something else. Someone was knocking on my door. I ignored them and they eventually went away. I knew I needed to snap out of this. This wasn't me, but I was all alone and afraid. Shit. I sat up, rubbing my face with both hands. I felt sober, maybe. I think I ran out of alcohol, maybe. I had no fucking idea. I stunk though. I numbly walked to the shower and it woke me up further.

I dried off when I was done and laid in bed naked. I was feeling a little better, I decided to sleep it off and see how I felt when I woke up. When I woke up, I was alert enough to look at my phone, it said it was Tuesday, how had only two days passed? A moment later I realized a week had passed, shit. A week? What about work? I had so many missed calls and messages from Elizabeth, the last one being that I was fired, I really didn't care. Then there was a message from Jacklyn saying that I wasn't fired. _Ugh, fuck her_.

I had no idea if I was fired or not, but I decided today wasn't the day to find out. I got out of bed and made something to eat before sitting on the couch. Now I was sober, my thoughts went to Anastasia. I wondered how she was, how I could see her, if she missed me too. I was still completely alone in my apartment, but I had no plans to leave. I was isolating myself and I didn't care.

I checked the rest of my messages. Elliot had won the district final and was going to state. Kate was enjoying herself in Barbados, so was Ethan. Ray was back from his fishing trip and was worried about me as I hadn't answered his calls or checked in. I should call him. Then, buried in the middle of all my notifications, was a message from Anastasia, I sat up straighter.

 _ **Anastasia:**_ _I'm sorry for last night, it changes nothing_

What? She sent this two days ago, what had happened? I had no recollection. Why was she sorry? What had she done? Was I too fucked up to miss something? Had she come here? Did we talk? Why couldn't I remember? Then my common sense came back to me, she probably meant to send this to someone else, but there was no ' _sorry, wrong number'_ text. I wished I could remember.

I groaned, I wasn't getting that drunk ever again.

I had nothing to lose, so I replied to her text.

 _ **Christian:**_ _If that's what you want_

There, that'll do. I'm not agreeing to anything, or dismissing anything. Hopefully it wasn't a wrong number text because then my reply makes me seem delusional, which I probably am. Fuck, I'm still hungover, but I haven't had any alcohol for days, right? I sighed. My phone buzzed again. I hoped it was from Anastasia, it wasn't.

 _ **Jacklyn:**_ _Are you okay?_

Fuck, couldn't she just leave me alone. She'd only been my boss for one week and she was personally messaging me? Fuck that.

 _ **Christian:**_ _Still sick, getting better_

 _ **Jacklyn:**_ _You sounded really upset the other day_

What the fuck had I done?

Shit, what if it wasn't the alcohol at all? What if I was having another episode of my dissociative amnesia? If that was the case, what was my brain trying to forget and why did it have something to do with my boss?

I needed to know more.

 _ **Christian:**_ _Yeah, sorry about that_

I gripped my phone tightly waiting for her reply. I should've left this alone, why was I picking at it? If I didn't want to remember then there must be a reason.

 _ **Jacklyn:**_ _It's okay, I know how tough breakups can be_

Fuck, no, why would I tell her that? When did I tell her? Fuck. I set my phone down, I didn't want to know any more.

My phone buzzed again and I reached for that fucker even though I shouldn't have.

 _ **Jacklyn:**_ _Do you want me to come over again?_

Again? Oh, fuck no, what had I done? I had been completely out of it, so I decided asking for clarification wouldn't be too out of place.

 _ **Christian:**_ _Again?_

Please tell me I hadn't done anything stupid.

 _ **Jacklyn:**_ _I knocked on your door, you didn't answer_

I breathed a sigh of relief, thank fuck. I remembered ignoring that knock. I was so thankful she hadn't been in the apartment, but had Anastasia? No more drinking, ever, I decided. How could I be so reckless? I bit the bullet, I had to do it. I messaged Jacklyn and Elizabeth at the same time.

 _ **Christian:**_ _This job isn't working out for me right now, I need to sort some things out, thank you for the opportunity_

There, done. I felt better. I never wanted to work there. I had fought against it constantly, but I went through with it because Anastasia thought that I needed to experience work in the real world, well, fuck that. I didn't want to work there, so I wasn't going to. I wanted to become Anastasia's sex slave, but that was a no-go too. Maybe I could work for her…

 _ **Christian:**_ _I quit my internship_

I waited for Anastasia's reply, but it didn't come. Was she getting my messages? I hoped so. I imagined her reading it, would she be upset with me? Would she think I was quitting because I couldn't handle it? Why wouldn't she let me back in? I sent her another message, none of it mattered anymore.

 _ **Christian:**_ _Are you still offering me a job?_

I didn't expect her to reply, so when she did, it shocked me.

 _ **Anastasia:**_ _No_

No. Her one-word answer had my heart soaring. I hated that she wouldn't let me work for her, but this showed me so much more. She was still getting my messages and it gave me hope. I would get her back, it may take a while, it would probably be hard and suck, but I would do it. I wouldn't rest until she was back in my arms where she belonged, and I was going to stay far away from alcohol. She would be my girl once again. I fingered my handcuff bracelet, hoping she still had hers.


	22. Job Hunting

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 2**

I was using my new information to my full advantage. I was sending Anastasia message after message, not obsessively so, but more strategically. I sent her photos. One of my handcuff bracelet, letting her know that I was hers, always. One of my hard dick, letting her know that my orgasms were still hers. One with my hand around my dick, telling her that I was imagining being in the playroom with her.

I also sent her sweet ones. A lot of 'I miss you', 'I love you', 'I'm yours'. Some were random 'how are you?', 'it's raining today'. This past week, I made sure of one thing, Anastasia Steele wouldn't forget me. Hopefully she hadn't blocked me either. She hadn't replied, but I was quietly confident that she was reading them and that I would get to her eventually.

 _ **Christian:**_ _I miss you so fucking much_

I knew Anastasia didn't like me swearing but I was past the point of caring, there's no way things could get worse, so fuck it.

Satisfied with my latest text, I got on with my day. I'd spent most of the last week looking for a job. Jacklyn Hyde still told me that I was welcome back, but I didn't want to go to SIP at all. I could only handle one confusing woman in my life at a time and Anastasia was it.

I left my apartment, well aware that my shadow was following me. It took me a while to figure it out, but Anastasia had someone watching me. It was Sawyer, the same guy who'd escorted me out of the lobby of Steele International so long ago. I didn't let on that I knew he was there, I just went about my business.

I'd been sober ever since I woke up. I didn't like that I couldn't remember Anastasia's visit. I was fairly certain that she had come and seen me, I don't know why and I don't know what happened, but it did. I wanted her more than anything and I fucked it up. I constantly wondered what would have happened if I was sober that day, maybe we'd be back together already. Maybe I pushed her further away that night or done something stupid and that's why this was taking so long.

I ordered my coffee and settled into my spot in the corner by the window, I wanted it to be easier for Sawyer to see me, ha. It was weird knowing that I was being watched. I wondered how much Sawyer told Anastasia. Did she know all the details or just that I sat in the coffee shop every morning? I wish I knew.

I was applying for random jobs, I didn't know what I wanted to do anymore. Unfortunately there was no listing for ' _Anastasia Steele's Sex Slave_ '. I kept looking.

Finally there was a job I wanted to apply for. I leaned forward, reading the ad. It was an IT position at Steele International. I didn't care for IT, but I knew how to use a computer and it was at Steele International. Maybe I could get a job with Anastasia after all. Either way, an application couldn't hurt. I doubted that she had read them personally. Maybe I could get hired without her knowing.

I filled out the application and wrote the best cover letter I ever had, then I attached my resumé and hit send. I smiled, I would get her back, just you wait. I got an automated email reply saying thanks and that they'd be in contact soon. I gave up on applying after that. I was an all or nothing kind of guy.

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I drank the rest of my coffee and I hoped Sawyer would tell Anastasia about my good mood.

Two days later I got the call, I had an interview. I was so excited. I'd finally be in the same building as her and as long as I didn't fuck this up, I could even work for her. I got dressed in my best clothes but threw my hoodie over top. Today wouldn't be easy, I needed to stick to my normal schedule and ditch Sawyer at the coffee shop. It would be tough, but I'd get there. I wanted this.

Sawyer followed me to the coffee shop, as usual. As I approached the counter, I worked on my plan. Everyone here knew me by now. I smiled at the barista.

"Your usual?" she asked.

"Actually," I said, "my ex-girlfriend is kinda stalking me, is there a back way out of here?"

She looked at me wide-eyed for a second.

"Yeah, sure," she said, "straight through that door."

"Thanks." I smiled at her.

I moved quickly, it would all be for nothing if Sawyer caught me. I kept looking over my shoulder, but I was alone. Thankfully Steele International wasn't too far away. I pulled my hoodie off as I got closer and pulled my glasses out of my pocket, I wanted to look smart. I walked through the front door, half expecting to be stopped in the lobby again, but nothing happened.

I wanted to go straight to the twentieth floor, but I needed to do this right, so I approached the desk.

"Hi, I'm Chris Grey," I said, "I have an interview for Steele International."

The blonde looked at her computer and I waited impatiently.

"Yes, of course," she said. "Interviews are being held on the ground floor, room twenty. If you walk down that hallway there, there's a waiting room. I'll let them know you're here."

"Thank you." I did as she said, hardly believing this was happening. I knew Anastasia was a busy woman, so she wouldn't be called in for this interview, maybe when they narrowed down the candidates, but I had to get there first. My hopes were dashed when I was called into the room. Anastasia's assistant, Andrea was conducting the interview and she recognized me immediately. Shit. I had to say something.

"Please don't tell Ana about this."

Fuck, I was so screwed.

"I have no intention of telling her," Andrea said. She didn't? "I have no idea what happened, but she's been unbearable these past two weeks. …Tell me, why do you want this job Mr. Grey?"

My whole plan of lying and flirting my way through this interview was now gone. I had to prove to Andrea that hiring me would be a good move for her.

"I want this job so I can get Ana back," I told her honestly.

She nodded her head and wrote something down, I had no idea what, and then the interview continued. All the questions were standard and I answered them the best that I could. When the interview ended, I felt confident. Though I was sure the only reason I'd be hired would be so that I could hopefully calm Anastasia down and therefore save Andrea some grief, but I didn't care why.

"I'll be in touch soon," she promised.

I ran back to the coffee shop, pulling on my hoodie on the way. Sawyer was out the front, on the phone, peering in the shop window as I arrived. I took a couple of deep breaths and passed him, heading back to my apartment. I think he caught me in the reflection because he tailed me all the way back. I'd done it, now I just had to hope I got the job. Anastasia wouldn't be able to ignore me in person.

Three days passed, three painful days. I kept messaging Anastasia as though nothing was up. My phone rang and I held my breath as I answered it. I was trying to prepare myself for a no. I knew if that was the case, I'd be devastated, though I still wouldn't give up. It would just be a speed bump. Thankfully, none of it mattered, I got the job. Shit, yeah. I sent Anastasia a message without thinking.

 _ **Christian:**_ _I got a new job_

Her reply was instantaneous.

 _ **Anastasia:**_ _Where?_

Fuck. Did she know? No, Andrea wouldn't have told her. I decided to be vague.

 _ **Christian:**_ _It's tech support for some company that deals with business_

I was certain that made no sense, but hopefully she wouldn't question me.

 _ **Anastasia:**_ _I didn't know you were interested in IT_

 _ **Christian:**_ _I don't know what I want anymore_

Shit, that came out wrong, I quickly sent her another message.

 _ **Christian:**_ _Career wise, I'm sure about everything else, I'm sure about you_

Anastasia didn't reply, but I didn't care. She'd broken her silence yet again and I had a job at her company which I started on Monday. Everything was going according to plan.

The weekend flew by and before I knew it, it was Monday. I left earlier than usual, but it wasn't long before I hit my first hitch. Sawyer entered the coffee shop with me, he wasn't leaving my side. Shit. How was I going to get out of this? I considered telling him, but I knew he'd never be on my side. He worked directly for Anastasia. I needed a new plan.

I ordered my coffee to go and there was a brief moment where Sawyer was stuck in the line. I sat down at my table and the moment Sawyer turned away from me and back to the barista, I ran. Shit, it was too early for this shit. I figured once I had my work ID I could just walk into the building, Sawyer be damned, but until then, I needed to be careful.

When I arrived at the building, I was completely out of breath, but the receptionist took it as first day jitters, I didn't correct her. She directed me to the twentieth floor, Anastasia's floor, shit. This could all still blow up in my face. I needed to keep my cool. They couldn't fire me on my first day, could they? I guess if Anastasia wanted me out, she'd find a way, she was the CEO after all. Fuck, I felt like I was walking into the lion's den, but it was worth it.

The elevator doors opened and it was as though I was transported back in time, to where it all started. The day I interviewed Anastasia seemed like so long ago and I felt the exact same. I was nervous, feeling like I didn't belong here, I don't know. Fuck. Thankfully Anastasia's office, which could be seen from the elevator, had the blinds drawn. I made my way to reception and Andrea was the only person there, thank fuck.

"I've done all I can," she said in a low voice, "but you won't be able to avoid her forever. Today you'll be in orientation all day, but she likes to meet all new employees. I'll try my best to keep her busy."

"Thank you."

Andrea led me far away from Anastasia's office and I was relieved. Surely this was crossing so many boundaries. Anastasia would be so angry when she found out. What had I done?

I met my boss at the back corner of the building, the view was still spectacular from this side of the building. She was older and her name was Carmen. Unlike Jacklyn Hyde, I didn't feel weird in her company, so that was a bonus. Carmen was completely no-nonsense, it was good.

She led me through my orientation with HR and Payroll, everyone, and she stuck by my side like glue, I was so thankful for it. This place was huge, I couldn't believe Anastasia was in charge of all this. It was so fucking hot. Carmen took me out to lunch and I couldn't stop staring at my employee ID. It read Chris Grey, IT, Steele International. It had me smiling like a fool.

"What is it?" Carmen asked. "Is this your first job?"

"No," I said, "I just never thought I'd get a job here, that's all."

"Why?" she asked. "Did you hear that males are hardly ever hired?"

I'd completely forgotten about that.

"No, I've just heard impressive things, that's all."

She nodded her head. "When we get back from lunch, we'll check in with the CEO, she likes to meet all new employees."

Shit. I numbly nodded my head and started eating slowly, trying to delay the inevitable. Now that I was actually in close proximity to Anastasia, I was running scared. I really didn't want to make things worse. I don't know. Lunch did in fact end and Carmen led me back. I walked so slowly and I could tell she was getting annoyed with it, but I couldn't help it.

The elevator doors opened and yet again Anastasia's blinds were closed, I hoped it was Andrea's doing. We approached Anastasia's door and I was surprised Carmen didn't go through reception first, what if Anastasia was busy? I slunk behind Carmen, trying to delay everything. Carmen knocked on the door and I held my breath. There was no answer, thank fuck.

"We'll come back later," she said.

Yes, a small win. Carmen led me back to our section and showed me around, introducing me to everyone.

"This will be your desk," she said, motioning to my cubicle.

I stepped forward and frowned when I saw someone sitting in my seat, had Carmen gotten this wrong? The chair turned around and my mouth fell open. Holy fuck, it was Anastasia.

"Ah, Miss Steele," Carmen said surprised, "we just came from your office. This is Chris, he's the new guy we just hired."

Anastasia stood up, fuck I had missed her.

"Chris, is it?" she asked.

Fuck if that didn't go straight to my dick. I had missed her so much.

I held out my hand. "Yes, ma'am."

She took it and shook. Fuck, this was so painful. She wasn't saying anything and her face was completely blank. I wished we were alone right now. I wanted to grill her, I wanted to hug her, I wanted to kiss her, I wanted her. Fuck, this was a terrible idea. No one said anything, I wanted to crack a joke or something, but I was so fucking scared.

Anastasia still held my hand and I wanted to pull away more than anything. She looked down and paused. I looked too, my handcuff bracelet was showing. Shit. I looked to her wrists for hers. I couldn't see it, but her sleeves were long, so it could be hiding. My eyes met hers and she shook her head no. Fuck, she wasn't wearing it. I ripped my hand from hers. She looked hurt, but fuck that.

She composed herself. "Chris, it was very nice to meet you, I'm sure I'll see you around."

She left and I stared after her. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, maybe some explosive reunion where she admitted that she was wrong, but whatever it was, that wasn't it.

"Don't worry," Carmen touched my shoulder, "she has that effect on everyone."

Fucking hell, so much for my great plan.


	23. New Job

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 3**

"No, that's what I'm trying to tell you," I said, "it was ten feet long."

"That's impossible," Kerri said, "they don't even grow that big."

"I'm just telling you what I saw."

"Males," Juliana shook her head, "they always think things are bigger than they actually are."

"What happened next?" Bianca asked shyly.

"So, I reel it in," I told them, "and it's struggling, trying to pull me overboard. I manage to get it in the boat and it stopped struggling. It's just lying there, looking at me, like 'really?'. The fucking fish was mocking me or some shit. So, I stared right back, kind of in a standoff. I didn't want to lose, but it was a fucking fish. My dad finally snapped me out of it, he went for the fish and I screamed at him, pushing him back… He went overboard. I grabbed the fish and quickly de-hooked it and put it back in the water, apologizing profusely to the fish. I haven't gone fishing since."

They all laughed at me and I smiled back. I'd been working at Steele International for a week now and I was really enjoying it. Anastasia worked with some really cool people, though I shouldn't have expected any less.

"Are we going to get any work done today?" our boss Carmen asked kindly.

"Depends," I said, spinning back to my desk and so did the others, "what's on the agenda for today."

"Oh, I have a good one," Carmen said, "just came in. Everyone will fight over it, so I'm going to give it to you, Chris."

Me? She was smiling coyly at me and no one fought her, usually it was a bloodbath trying to get the good cases, IT could be incredibly boring. So many people didn't know how to fix paper jams or replace the toner. Carmen handed me the piece of paper and I quickly scanned it.

"No fucking way," I said, trying to hand it back to her. Thankfully we were shoved in the back corner of the Steele International offices and Carmen couldn't give two shits if we swore or gossiped. As long as we got the work done and weren't reported, it was fine.

"It's all yours, Chris." Carmen walked away.

"What is it?" Juliana asked.

"Miss Steele has a tech issue," I said. "Please, someone take this from me, I'll do all of your worst jobs for a month without complaint."

Everyone turned back to their computers.

"Come on," I said, "I thought we were all friends , you'll do this for me, right?"

Bianca was the shyest and therefore the weakest link, but she didn't budge.

"Just go do it," Kerri said, "the sooner you go, the sooner you'll be back."

I groaned, grabbing my glasses and iPad. Fucking hell. I'd managed to avoid Anastasia my whole first week here. She hadn't sought me out after our first day greeting and I ran past her office every morning, looking in the opposite direction. I was somewhat hopeful for this task. Anastasia hadn't asked for me, so surely this problem wasn't just because she wanted to see me. Hopefully.

"If I'm not back in thirty minutes," I said dramatically, "send reinforcements."

They laughed again and I was on my way. I was pissed at Anastasia and I wasn't entirely sure why, oh yeah, maybe because she still hadn't come around, nor had she made an effort, nor had she fired me. I resented her a little too because she pushed me so hard to go for my internship and although I quit because of Jacklyn Hyde, Anastasia had been right. I'd only been at Steele International for a week, but I was already branching out socially and professionally, and I was making friends. But I fucking missed Anastasia too.

I knocked on Anastasia's door, sharing a look with Andrea. Surely if I called out for help, she'd come running.

"What?" Anastasia snapped. Fuck, she was angry and I no longer knew how she'd treat me. She used to treat me differently to everyone else, but now we were no longer together, would she treat me like she treated the rest of her employees? Cold, uncaring, brash?

I opened her door and stuck my head in. "Tech support," I said as calmly as I could.

Her eyes met mine and they hardened, I froze.

"Are you coming in or not?" she said, still angry as fuck. Shit.

I entered her office and closed the door behind me.

"What seems to be the problem?" I asked, trying to remain professional. I was trying so hard not to think of the past. I just needed to fix this problem and then I could go back to my desk.

She looked at me critically for a moment and I was certain she was going to snap at me again, but something shifted.

"Over here," she said, pointing to her computer.

I went over and stood behind her, leaving an acceptable amount of distance between us.

"It keeps flashing," she said, "you see that."

"Do you mind?" I asked, leaning forward to grab the mouse. She shifted away from me and I clicked on the object. "Hmm," I said, going into its properties. "Okay, yeah, easily fixed," I said. I closed it down and then went into the add and remove programs. "It's just an automatic downloader for some program you must've downloaded. I'll just uninstall it and you should be good to go… Hang on, yep, that's the problem. Do you use this program at all?" I hovered the mouse over it so she could see.

"No," she said, her voice still tight.

"Right, well I'll get rid of that too. Maybe I should check… Hang on." I went into the C drive and did a quick search for the file. I had a feeling it might've been a virus. Either way, I didn't want to be called back to fix this problem, being here once was enough. I found all associated files and deleted them permanently. "You might want to restart your computer," I told her, stepping back, "but you should be good to go. If I could just get you to sign here."

I handed her the iPad and she signed it to say that I'd been here and done my job. I took it back and headed for the door.

"Is this how it is now?" she asked and I paused. "I noticed you're not wearing your bracelet anymore."

Of course, she would notice that. The bracelet was the last thing that tied me to her, showed her that I was still hers. I was trying to hurt her as much as she hurt me, one difference though, I was still wearing my bracelet, I just kept if hidden under my shirt sleeve.

"Look, Ana," I said and she cringed at my casual use of her nickname, but she didn't correct or forbid me from using it. I wanted to bring her down, I wanted to wound her, but I couldn't. I sighed. "Nothing has changed for me," I said and she looked hopeful, "but I think we need some time apart."

Her anger was back, shit, what was I doing? But I knew, deep down, that this was for the best. If we got back together so soon, nothing would change. Whatever Elena had told Anastasia must've rang true to her, otherwise she wouldn't have believed it. These were things she needed to work through.

"Are you still seeing Dr. Flynn?" I asked. She nodded her head. "Good. Just give it some time, baby."

Baby… Shit, fuck, damn. I quickly ran from her office and I didn't stop until I was back at my desk. Fucking hell, I called her baby, it just slipped out. I wanted her back, we could work this out together. _No_ , my mind told me, _she needs time, give her time_.

"I knew it," the usually quiet Bianca said the moment I had sat down.

"Knew what?" I asked, still slightly pissed. Why couldn't my life be less complicated?

"Retraction," Bianca said, holding the Seattle Times, "Photo of Miss Anastasia Steele and boyfriend Christian Grey at WSU graduation." Shit. "This is a photo of you Chris."

"No way," Kerri jumped up and Juliana joined her.

"Oh, shit," Juliana said, "I knew you looked familiar. You dated Miss Steele… Wait, you were here a few weeks ago telling everyone that she was taken and that she wasn't gay, Heather told me. Apparently, you caused quite the spectacle in the kitchen… Chris, we're talking to you."

"What?" I snapped, borrowing some of Anastasia's hostility.

"This is you," Juliana said.

"Sure," I said.

"And you're with Miss Steele, you're dating her."

"Was," I corrected.

They all pondered that for a moment.

"What happened?" Kerri asked.

"Can we not talk about this?" I said. "We were together, we're not anymore, there's no more to this than that."

They all accepted my answer and we went back to work. The next day, things went back to normal. The following day, Anastasia fucked everything up. I came into the office and Anastasia was perched on my desk waiting for me. My co-workers were trying to look busy, but I knew their fake-busy well. I sighed and ignored Anastasia as I sat down at my desk and unpacked my bag, getting everything settled.

"Chris," Anastasia said and I hated her calling me that. I was always Christian to her, not Chris. "How are you settling in?" she asked.

"Fine," I said. I decided I probably shouldn't ignore her, so I looked at her and smiled gently. "How are you? Any more issues with your computer?"

"No, no," she said, "everything's working perfectly."

Good.

"I was wondering," she said quietly, fuck, why was she acting shy? "if you wanted to grab lunch or something."

Shit, didn't I just tell her two days ago that we needed space?

"Can't," I said, "we kind of have a lunch thing going on here."

"Okay," she stood up, "never mind then."

Anastasia left and I had three curious eyes on me.

"What?" I asked. They stayed quiet.

On Thursday, mid-morning, Anastasia appeared again.

"I have a question," she said, voicing it to everyone but staring at me, "my printer is printing halfway across the page, but not all of it. Now, I know it's not the usual issues as it's doing it the opposite way."

That was odd. I slid my glasses on.

"Really?" Juliana asked, standing up and taking the paper from Anastasia. "Guys, look at this."

We all leaned forward to look at the paper.

"Could be a jam," Bianca said.

"No way," I grabbed the paper, "that would be impossible, if the cartridges were jammed, it wouldn't print at all."

"What about something stuck inside the printer?" Kerri suggested.

"That would be messy," Juliana said, taking the paper back from me and turning it over. "Hmm, there's some extra ink, but not that much. How long has this been happening for Miss Steele?"

Anastasia shifted uncomfortably. "Just today."

"That could be it," Juliana said, "don't worry, Miss Steele, I'll get it sorted for you. Worst case, we'll get you hooked up with a new printer pronto."

Anastasia was disappointed, but that was her fault for coming down here with her most likely staged problem, though maybe it was real. Either way, Juliana would sort it. Anastasia left with Juliana, not even giving me a second look.

"That was so weird," Kerri said.

"I know," Bianca agreed, "I've never seen a printer do that before."

"No," Kerri said, "Miss Steele coming down here with her problem… She still likes you, Chris."

Of course she did. We loved each other, that wasn't our problem. I didn't bother explaining it and Kerri dropped it.

On Friday, it was almost knockoff time and I hadn't seen Anastasia all day, maybe she'd given up.

"Not this story again," Kerri groaned.

"Shut up," Juliana said, "the man is a great storyteller."

"Thank you," I said, smiling at her. "It was almost three am and my leg was fucking cramping so bad."

Someone cleared their voice from behind us and I turned around. It was Anastasia, of course. I turned back, but she spoke.

"Umm, Chris, would you like to walk out with me."

Walk out with her? On a Friday? That wouldn't be good.

"I'm sorry," I said, "but I'm in the middle of a story, maybe next time."

Anastasia nodded her head sadly and it cut right through me. Fuck, why wasn't I giving her a chance? Maybe she was ready to talk, ready to apologize, but it was still too soon. Maybe next week I'd give her a chance. Anastasia left and Juliana hit me across the back of the head.

"You're a fucking idiot," she said, packing up for the week.

"Yeah," Bianca agreed. "How long ago did you two split?"

"I don't know," I said, trying to figure it out. I worked at SIP for a week, then had my week-long bender, then a week where I was job hunting, then I'd been here for two weeks. Shit, had it really been five weeks, maybe it was time to reconnect.

"You could probably still catch her," Kerri said knowingly. She was right.

I quickly packed up for the week and slung my bag over my shoulder, hoping Anastasia hadn't left yet. I looked everywhere for her, but she was gone. Shit, why was I so fucking stubborn? Next week, I told myself. We had time. It wasn't like we weren't going to run into each other again.

I arrived back at the apartment and was thankful that Kate seemed to be out. She'd been back from Barbados for a couple of weeks now and living together here had been the same as college, it was comforting. She drilled me about Anastasia, but I had only told her that we'd split over a misunderstanding and that I was going to get her back eventually. She thankfully accepted my answer with minimal questioning.

The weekend was long and lonely, like they always were now. I missed Anastasia and her apartment. We had so many good memories and I wanted to make more, but only if she accepted her mistakes and things changed.

Monday finally came and I was resolved to agree to whatever Anastasia asked me today. If she came to my desk I would talk to her, laugh, smile, flirt, I would do everything I could. It was time, I could feel it. Only problem, I passed by her with a smile when I arrived this morning and she glared at me. Fucking icy daggers, it made me shudder. Shit, had I missed my chance?

Work was dragging and Anastasia still didn't show up. I eagerly looked to the door at every interruption. The last one was a guy who went straight into Carmen's office.

"That's Barney," Kerri told me, "he works with us sometimes, but he's Miss Steele's security advisor. He mainly does personal technical things for her, but when we can't figure out a problem, he helps us."

"Hmm," I said, "so he's kinda on the same level as Taylor."

"Yep."

Oh. I got back to work.

"Chris," Carmen called from her office, some time later, "can you join us please?"

Shit, what did I do wrong? I shared a look with my coworkers and Juliana shrugged. I entered Carmen's office.

"Chris, this is Barney Sullivan."

I shook his hand.

"Chris Grey," I told him and he smiled tightly, "nice to meet you."

He nodded his head, but said nothing.

"Chris, you're being transferred," Carmen told me.

"What?" I asked shocked.

"The order has come from Miss Steele herself," Carmen said, "there's nothing we can do about it."

What? Anastasia was transferring me? Why? Was Barney here to make sure I didn't put up a fight? Where was I going? Anastasia hadn't fired me, so I was still working for Steele International. I was so confused.

"Where am I being transferred to?" I asked.

"With me," Barney gruffed out. He wasn't happy and I didn't blame him. "We work on the nineteenth floor, I'll give you a moment."

He left and I stared at Carmen.

"Can she do this?" I asked.

"She's the CEO, she can do what she wants, just be glad you're still here, Chris."

"Why would she do it?" I asked.

"I have no idea," Carmen said, "but don't keep Barney waiting," she smiled at me, "and be sure to come and visit, you're always welcome here, Chris."

"Thanks, Carmen."

I left her office and numbly packed up my desk, what was Anastasia doing? She always had a plan, but what did this transfer get her? Did she want me out of her hair? I hadn't been annoying her, she was the one who was stalking me. Maybe she couldn't trust herself, just like she couldn't trust herself when we slept in the same bed. I packed up my last item and turned to my coworkers.

"I've been transferred," I said, and their faces fell. I liked it here, I was finally fitting in, why would Anastasia take this away from me? "I'll come by and visit you," I promised them, "every day."

Bianca and Kerri hugged me goodbye, but Juliana didn't.

"It won't be the same without you," Juliana said.

I smiled. "I ain't dying," I told them, "plus, we're Facebook friends, message me."

Barney started shifting. Shit, I better go.

"Bye," I said. It was weird to be leaving. I thought this would be my desk, my area, my coworkers for a long time, at least a year, if not more, but now I was gone. I was so confused.

As I followed Barney to the elevator, I was ready to glare at Anastasia for this traitorous act, but her blinds were drawn. Fuck her. It was a short trip to the floor below and I couldn't understand why Barney's office wasn't on the same floor as the rest of Steele International. Barney led me to an unmarked door to the left. The rest were offices for a law firm or something.

We entered a large room, with many empty desks.

"Take your pick," Barney said, sitting at his desk by the door.

I chose one near the window, it shared the same view as Anastasia's office and I realized we were probably directly beneath her. That was an odd, but comforting thought. I got everything sorted, unpacking all my stuff and then I sat down. Barney was ignoring me, so I put my feet on my desk and looked out the window.

The door opened, but I didn't bother to look at who it was.

"It wasn't my fault," an oddly familiar voice said, "it's this stupid cast. I can see how it worked for Bundy now, everyone wants to help me, it's fucking infuriating. I am not an invalid."

Taylor. I craned my neck to look at him, he'd come in with Sawyer, my stalker from when Anastasia and I had split.

"What's he doing here?" Sawyer asked, taking a seat at a desk in front of mine, but down a bit.

"Fucked if I know," Barney said, "Miss Steele's orders."

"Jason," I stood up, I'd missed him, "how's the arm?"

"It's fine, Chris, how's your head."

"Fucked up." I smiled, thinking about all the shit Anastasia had put me through. "You're Sawyer, right? Sorry for evading you, I hope you didn't get into too much trouble."

Sawyer glared at me. Shit. It wasn't my fault Anastasia had put him on me.

"Ignore him, Chris, Barney too. I'm glad you're here. Miss Steele thinks she's smart, but I don't think she's realized the full extent of what putting you with us means."

"No way," Barney said, "she'll know."

"Maybe," Taylor said, "but she would've overlooked one important thing, Chris and I are friends and I think it's only fair he knows the whole truth."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"We read all of Miss Steele's texts," Barney said. "As per her request," he added.

What were they getting at?

"He's not too smart," Sawyer said. I ignored him.

"Miss Steele hasn't told you what happened when she came and visited you at your apartment, has she?" Taylor said.

My apartment, she'd never visited me there, we'd broken up beforehand. Shit, the message she sent me 'I'm sorry for last night, it changes nothing'. Taylor knew.

"What about it?" I asked.

"You shouldn't be telling him this," Sawyer said.

"I no longer care," Taylor said, "she's being a real pain in the ass, she deserves this. Sit down, Chris, this'll be a long story."

I sat down at my desk and Taylor took the empty one next to mine and across from Sawyer. Barney was just down from us, pretending not to listen.

"Miss Steele had us keeping tabs on you," Taylor started. "Everything was going fine, you went to work that first week and then you didn't. She got worried."

"Worried?" Sawyer scoffed. "She was fucking terrified."

"She asked me to take her to your apartment," Taylor continued, "you didn't answer, so we broke in." Of course they did, I shook my head. "You were so drunk, well, at least, that's what I assumed from the mess of empty bottles you'd left. Miss Steele found you in the bedroom, asleep, I believe. She got me to clean up and get rid of all the remaining alcohol."

Shit, so that was where the alcohol went, I wasn't sure if I had drunk it all or not. Anastasia had taken it away so I couldn't drink anymore and if I went out and bought more, Sawyer would see me and she would know immediately.

"Then," Taylor's eyes drilled into mine, "she didn't come out of the apartment until morning."

Shit, she'd spent the night with me, in my arms I bet. How dare she take comfort from me when she was the one who ended it all.

"How is she otherwise?" I asked. "Aside from what happened between us?"

"Same as before she met you," Taylor said, "maybe a little more volatile."

"When did she realize I got the IT job?" I asked, fearing she knew from the start.

"I made Barney keep it from her," Taylor said. "I suspect she found out the day you started, but by then it was too late. She knew she couldn't fire you without just cause. I guess that's why she put you with us. She doesn't want you close to her."

"I think I fucked it up," I said, "she asked me to walk her out on Friday, I said no. I think she thinks I'm over her, I'm not, I'm just pissed off." I pulled my sleeve up, letting my handcuff bracelet show. I fingered it, I was hers, I would always be hers. "Does she ever come down here?" I asked.

"Nope," Sawyer said, smiling at me.

I breathed a sigh of relief, at least I didn't have to worry about that.

"She still cares about you, Chris," Taylor said and I knew it was true. "I'm not sure what happened. I only know one thing, she had a lunch date with Elena Lincoln and everything changed after that."

"I know a little more," I said, but offered no more, I wasn't going to betray Anastasia's trust. "What do you know about Elena Lincoln?" I asked.

"Standard background check," Barney said, "she's a family friend of the Steele's, divorced, husband owns Lincoln Timber, Miss Steele is a silent business partner in her beauty salon business, nothing out of the ordinary."

They knew nothing about the abuse, good.

"So, what do we do here?" I asked. "What do I do?"

"Well," Taylor said, "we look after Miss Steele's personal security and any other security she needs," he pointed to Sawyer. "Barney does all the tech stuff, running background checks, monitoring emails, messages, all that. I suspect you've been brought in to help him, but I have no idea. Barney, would you enlighten us?" Taylor asked.

Barney groaned and stood up.

"He's right," Barney said, coming over and handing me a laptop. "Guard this with your life, take it everywhere with you. It has access to everything you'll need. I will give you tasks I see fit when I'm ready," he paused, "I'm not ready yet."

Barney slunk away and Taylor smiled wryly at me.

"Welcome to the team," Taylor said and I found myself smiling.

Taylor had been right, Anastasia had made a mistake, she just made me a part of her most trusted team and I was going to use this new position to the best of my abilities.


	24. Making Progress

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 4**

Before leaving work for the day, I decided to visit my old coworkers in IT. I had missed them today, and although I loved being on the nineteenth floor with all the new possibilities, it was a completely different atmosphere hanging out with a bunch of guys.

"Chris," Kerri said as I entered.

"Hi everyone." I sat down at my old desk.

"So, how did it go?" Juliana asked.

"Alright," I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

"What's that?" Bianca asked, motioning to the laptop sticking out of my bag. I'd have to buy a proper case or bag for it, it was massive.

"New toy," I smiled, "everything they have down there is top of the line, none of this crap we have. I bet they never get a paper jam," I mused.

"So, what are you doing?" Juliana asked.

"Not sure exactly," I said, "I report to Barney but he hasn't given me any work to do yet. I spent most of my day looking out the window. We've got the better view," I smiled, "the one on the other side of the building."

"And how are the offices?" Kerri asked.

"Different," I said, "there's no walls between the desks. It's just two lines of desks butted up against each other running the length of the room and then there's a central wall where there's some screens, I don't know what they're used for. Most of the desks were empty too, it was weird, people coming and going all the time. I don't know."

"Just say that you miss us, Chris," Kerri said and I smiled.

"Of course I miss you guys," I said, "these new guys don't laugh at any of my jokes." They smiled. "Alright," I stood up, "I've gotta go, but let's meet for lunch tomorrow," I suggested and they agreed.

As I walked by Anastasia's office, her blinds were open for once. Our eyes met and I paused for a beat before continuing on. Nothing happened, but I was excited to get home and start working on my new plan. The laptop they'd given me had access to everything and I was going to spend all night finding out all the information I needed.

"Bye, Chris," Andrea said.

I waved to her.

When I got home, Kate was already there.

"How's the Seattle Times treating you?" I asked her as I got a drink from the fridge.

"Good, the guy they paired me with is old, I think he's on his way out."

"What?" I choked on my drink.

"Retirement," Kate clarified, "not death, though it could be either. How was your day?"

"I got transferred."

"What?" Kate came over to me.

I shrugged. "Ana transferred me to a new department on the floor below, I think she got sick of looking at me or something."

"Oh, Chris, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," I said, "I'm not worried."

"You're still going to get her back?"

"Of course," I said and Kate shook her head.

"I don't know what you see in her, Chris, surely no one's worth all of this."

"You don't even know her," I said. "We'll have dinner, just the three of us when Ana and I are back together and doing good. I want you to meet her officially."

Kate's phone buzzed and she looked at it. "Sure, Chris," she said, distracted, "I've gotta go, big story is breaking."

Kate hadn't been working at the Times for long, but she'd been called out several times for a 'breaking' story. She loved it though.

Now alone, I pulled out my new laptop and turned it on. I was so excited. Barney had said it held everything and my first plan was to track down Anastasia's phone messages. They already told me that they had access to all of them. I didn't see it as an invasion of privacy because Anastasia had given me this job, so it was technically my duty.

The laptop hit a log-in screen but before I could put in a password or anything, it logged itself in. It even had a personalized message on the screen, ' _welcome Christian Grey_ '. Shit, this laptop was so high tech, I bet it scanned my face or something to log in. It was very impressive.

It didn't take me long to find what I needed, it was clearly labeled, _Anastasia Steele's cellphone_. I clicked on the program and it brought up a mirror of Anastasia's phone. It was as though I had access to the actual phone and I quickly realized it was in real-time. Shit, why would they need this? Did Anastasia get threats or something? Fuck, she probably did, she was powerful, she was shrewd, I bet she had heaps of enemies. The thought was sobering.

I clicked on messages and was surprised to see Elena's name at the top of the list. Jackpot. I clicked on her name and quickly scrolled back five weeks, wanting to read everything she'd sent my girl. Elena was manipulating her, I knew that much, but how and to what extent? I was determined to find out. I finally hit the day we broke up and I started reading.

 _ **Elena:** Where are you? Are you still coming?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Yes, sorry, I'm just running a little late_

 _ **Elena:** That's not like you_

...

 _ **Elena:** How did things go?_

...

 _ **Elena:** You know I don't like it when you ignore me_

...

 _ **Elena:** Anastasia, did you let the boy go or not?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Yes_

 _ **Elena:** Good_

...

 _ **Elena:** How are you? I haven't seen you around_

 _ **Anastasia:** Things are fine_

 _ **Elena:** I know that tone, you're not having second thoughts, are you? You can't be what he needs Anastasia. Males are a hard limit for a reason. I don't know how he tricked you, but continuing your relationship would only lead to disaster, it's good you got out. Don't back out now_

...

 _ **Anastasia:** I can't do this. I miss him so much_

 _ **Elena:** That's just your mind tricking you. Give it time Anastasia, it will get easier, I promise. Let's meet for lunch_

...

 _ **Elena:** Are we on for lunch?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Sorry, I'm busy_

 _ **Elena:** Anastasia, I'm not happy with this, please don't disappoint me_

...

 _ **Elena:** Why are you ignoring me? How are things?_

 _ **Anastasia:** I'm not ignoring you, things are busy here_

 _ **Elena:** Stop using that as an excuse_

...

 _ **Anastasia:** I slept with him_

 _ **Elena:** What?_

 _ **Anastasia:** In his bed. I just missed him so much and I had to check on him_

 _ **Elena:** I thought you had people watching him to avoid this_

 _ **Anastasia:** I did, but he wouldn't leave his apartment and I needed to know why_

 _ **Elena:** And you slept with him? What does this mean? I hope you didn't take him back_

 _ **Anastasia:** No, he was passed out, I'm not sure he even realized I was there_

 _ **Elena:** Good_

...

 _ **Anastasia:** I think you're wrong_

 _ **Elena:** About what?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Christian_

 _ **Elena:** Are we really still talking about this? It's been weeks Anastasia, you need to move on, you were doing so well. What happened?_

 _ **Anastasia:** Nothing, I just miss him_

...

 _ **Elena:** Lunch was good, thank you, you seem to be doing better_

...

 _ **Anastasia:** Christian got a job here_

 _ **Elena:** Fire him_

 _ **Anastasia:** I can't_

 _ **Elena:** Do you realize how many boundaries he's crossed by doing this? He's basically stalking you_

 _ **Anastasia:** No he's not. He quit his job and he needed another one. I always told him that he could work for me_

 _ **Elena:** But you're broken up, you don't owe him anything. How did you know that he quit his job?_

...

 _ **Elena:** Answer me Anastasia_

 _ **Anastasia:** He's been sending me messages_

 _ **Elena:** For how long?_

 _ **Anastasia:** This whole time_

 _ **Elena:** Have you replied to him?_

 _ **Anastasia:** No_

 _ **Elena:** Tell me the truth_

 _ **Anastasia:** Sometimes, but not often_

 _ **Elena:** You need to cut him out of your life Anastasia. He's only bringing you down. You were happy before him, you were striving, you were following the plan I set out for you. We didn't go through years together, finding your limits and boundaries, just so you could throw them out the window_

 _ **Anastasia:** I was happier with him_

 _ **Elena:** That's your demons talking. The facts stay the same Anastasia, you said it physically hurt being with him_

 _ **Anastasia:** But what if that was just a mental reaction? Christian has always been good to me_

 _ **Elena:** He pushed you constantly_

 _ **Anastasia:** Maybe that's what I needed_

 _ **Elena:** It's not, even Flynn agrees_

 _ **Anastasia:** You're right_

...

 _ **Elena:** Have you fired him yet?_

 _ **Anastasia:** No_

 _ **Elena:** Why not?_

...

 _ **Anastasia:** I transferred Christian_

 _ **Elena:** Well, that's a start. Where to?_

 _ **Anastasia:** The nineteenth floor_

 _ **Elena:** How could you do that? Do you realize what you've done? You put him even closer to you. Anastasia when are you going to stop acting like a child?_

 _ **Anastasia:** I know what I'm doing_

 _ **Elena:** You clearly don't_

 _ **Anastasia:** I do_

 _..._

And that was it. Shit. I sat back and pulled my glasses off, rubbing my temples. I was certain I still didn't have the whole picture, but my suspicions were confirmed. Elena was poisoning Anastasia against me, she was manipulating her, just like she did when Anastasia was fifteen. I fucking hated this bitch so much. Who was she to tell my girl what was right and what wasn't? Fuck her, she better hope I never run into her.

Anastasia still cared for me, her messages showed that much, she was just fucking poisoned continually. I quickly sent her a message.

 _ **Christian:** I think we should get together and talk, no pressure, let me know_

I clicked away from Elena's message and looked at Anastasia's message screen on my laptop. My message had been delivered, but it was just sitting there. A moment later, it was read. Anastasia had seen it, my heart swelled. I waited impatiently for Anastasia's response, but it never came through. Shit, I needed to give her time. I shut down my laptop and made something to eat. I'd done enough for tonight. I had time, I needed to be patient.

There was a knock at my apartment door and part of me thought it might be Anastasia. This would be something she'd do. I smiled as I opened the door wide, but it wasn't Anastasia, it was Jacklyn Hyde.

"You're alive," Jacklyn said. I was still in a state of shock and Jacklyn took advantage of that. She pushed me aside and walked into the apartment like she owned it. Fuck. I didn't bother shutting the door, I wanted her to leave and surely my actions showed this.

Jacklyn walked into the kitchen and I stayed by the door.

"I'm disappointed in you, Christian," she said. "I fought for you to get that job at SIP and then you just threw it away. Didn't you get my messages? You're not fired. When are you coming back?"

"Oh." Shit. "Umm, I'm not." Her gaze hardened. "I got a job somewhere else."

"Where?" she asked.

"Steele International," I said and I saw the anger flare inside her. I took a step back, getting ready to run.

"I thought you wanted to become a publisher," she said, running her hands over the knives in the knife block. Fuck, what was she doing? "You said it was your dream."

"I… Umm…" She was still toying with the knives. "It is, I don't know, I just need to figure some stuff out."

"And you couldn't have done it at SIP?" she asked.

Why was she here? This was crossing so many lines. I wanted leave, but I wasn't going to let Kate come home alone to whatever this was.

"I didn't fit in at SIP," I answered honestly and it was a mistake.

Jacklyn abandoned the knives and marched over to me.

"You didn't even give it a chance, Christian," she said, getting in my face. "What does Steele International have that we don't?" Her voice was hard. Fuck.

"I don't know," I said. I knew exactly what Steele International had that they didn't, Anastasia, but I wasn't going to tell Jacklyn that. "Can you, umm, maybe leave?" I asked.

Shit, why was she doing this? We didn't know each other, I'd only worked at SIP for a week, none of this made sense. Something she said came back to me, ' _I fought for you to get that job_ '. Shit, there was more to this, but what? Was I in danger? I wasn't sure, but I knew that didn't feel safe right now.

"Please," I said, holding the door open wider.

Jacklyn eyed me carefully before she finally sighed and stepped around me.

"The job is still yours, Christian," she said, "call me when you pull your head out of your ass. Opportunities like this in publishing don't come around often and you're foolish to throw it all away for your idiotic reasons."

Jacklyn left and I did two things simultaneously. I locked the door and I called Taylor.

"Chris," he said surprised.

"Can I get someone here?" I asked, my voice wavering.

"What's going on?" Taylor asked and I could hear the worry in his voice.

"It's probably nothing," I said, suddenly feeling silly for calling him.

"Chris." His voice was stern.

"My ex-boss was just here," I said. I wasn't being silly, this was wrong and I felt unsafe here. "I opened the door, but she forced her way in. She was… something wasn't right. She just left. Could you send someone to, I don't know, keep watch or something?"

"Of course, Chris, leave it with me."

"Jason," I said, "is this silly?"

"No, Chris. I'll send someone to keep watch and tomorrow we can look into your boss together. It's better to be safe than sorry, always remember that."

"Thanks, Jason." He was right. I'd rather be safe than sorry and Jacklyn had freaked me out. Why did she play around with the knives? "Hey, Jason, can you not tell Ana about this?"

"Of course," he said, "at least until we know more," he added.

"Okay," I accepted.

"Don't worry, Chris, you'll be safe tonight, I'll make sure of it."

"Oh," I said, suddenly remembering, "Kate, my roommate, is out, she will be back. Her name's Katherine Kavanagh."

"It's okay, Chris, I've got this," he said kindly. "How about you get some sleep. If she left willingly, I doubt she'll be back tonight."

"Okay, alright." I hung up and did as he said. Only problem, I couldn't get Jacklyn out of my head, her visit kept niggling at me. She got that job for me, she wanted me to work there so badly, but why? I didn't know her, I was a nobody. I sighed, between this and Elena I was fucking spent and Anastasia still hadn't replied to my message asking if she wanted to talk.

My sleep was broken, but I made it through, thankfully. As I got up, I checked on Kate, she was home and sleeping in her room, I breathed a sigh of relief. I'd have to let her know that my ex-boss was stalking me or whatever she was doing.

I walked out of the apartment, with my laptop, ready for work. I looked around everywhere, praying Jacklyn wouldn't be there. I knew she was probably at work, but I couldn't help it. I exited the building, glad to be out in the open.

"Mr. Grey?" someone asked. I looked at the woman, I had no idea who she was. "I'm Belinda Prescott," she said, "Luke sent me."

"Luke?" I asked confused.

"Luke Sawyer, sir. I was tasked with his task, he's sick."

Oh, right.

"Any sign of her?" I asked.

"No, sir."

"Please, call me Chris."

She nodded her head.

"What's the plan?" I asked.

"I am to escort you to Steele International and while you're at work I'm to install extra security measure in the building and more specifically in your apartment. When you're done for the day, I will escort you back to your apartment and keep watch again."

"When will you sleep?" I asked concerned.

"I don't need much," she said, "but I will sleep while you're working, it won't take me long to make everything secure. I'm good at my job." She smiled at me and it made me feel better. I didn't want anyone looking out for me, but until we knew more about Jacklyn Hyde it was the smartest move.

Prescott took me to the elevator and when I got on, she left. I automatically hit the button for the twentieth floor and didn't realize my mistake until the doors opened. Anastasia was at the front desk talking to Andrea. Andrea looked at me and it caused Anastasia to turn as well. Our eyes met and I was already on edge, I was about to ignore her or snap, but then I remembered Elena's messages.

"Sorry," I said, smiling, "wrong floor."

I shut the doors quickly, but I thought I saw Anastasia smile as they closed. Shit, I had missed her smile. It was a good sign with all the shit going on right now. As I entered my new office, everyone was here, even some guy I hadn't seen before. The screens on the wall were turned on and they were busy discussing something.

"Chris," Taylor said, "this is Spencer Welch, he's a security advisor like Barney and yourself."

"Mr. Grey," Welch said, "I didn't think when we were looking you up that you'd still be relevant today, nor that you'd be working alongside us."

They had looked me up? Shit, of course. I bet Anastasia wanted to know everything about me and it made sense. That was how she knew I worked at Clayton's, shit, and Welch was right, now I was part of their team.

I sat down at my desk and got my laptop out.

"Here," Barney handed me a stack of files, "I've done all the hard work," he said, "but I need you to go through all the information on these potential employees and write a concise overview for Miss Steele to read."

I nodded my head, thankful he'd actually given me work to do today. I wondered whether Taylor and Welch were working on my problem, but not once did they mention Jacklyn's name, they were discussing some problem with some freight ship. I tuned them out and got to work. Barney had complied every piece of information on these potential new employees and I couldn't work out why he hadn't made the summaries himself, surely it would've been easier than having me do them. I had to read through everything, but I guess this was how'd I'd learn.

I'd gone through two files, writing my summaries neatly before I decided I should probably ask some questions before I got any further.

"Do I type these up or hand write them?" I asked Barney.

"Whatever you want," he said.

"What about personal notes?" I asked and all eyes were on me. "I mean, can I write, _this guy is a total tool, don't hire him_?"

Everyone was still looking at me, but no one was saying anything.

"Whatever you want," Barney said, he was smiling gleefully.

Fuck him, I knew Anastasia valued my opinion, so I was going to do it.

"Just make sure you sign your name on the bottom of all of these," he said, "I don't want Miss Steele coming after me because you can't act professional."

Noted. I got back to work, adding in my honest opinion on these people. I could imagine Anastasia reading them, laughing, scoffing, missing me. I sighed, fuck, I missed her. I checked my phone, but she still hadn't replied. I brought up her mirror phone on my laptop hoping like hell she hadn't contacted Elena about me wanting to talk to her. She hadn't, thank fuck.

When I was done, Barney made me run them upstairs to Andrea.

"Why are we on this floor?" I asked no one in particular, surely it would be better to be on the twentieth floor with everyone else.

"The elevator is the only access point to Steele International," Taylor explained, "the moment someone hits the button for the twentieth floor, we're notified. If it's someone who shouldn't be here, we can intercept them before they get there."

Oh, that was smart.

I left with the files and went to the twentieth floor, straight to Andrea.

"Hey," I said, "these are for An- Miss Steele," I quickly corrected, I needed to act professional, I couldn't do anything that would give Anastasia a reason to fire me, "they're the files on the new potential employees."

"Thank you, Chris, I'll make sure she gets them."

I went back downstairs, slightly miffed that I didn't see Anastasia on my short trip. Oh, well. I sat back at my desk and no one gave me any work to do. I was all for slacking off and enjoying the view, but there had to be something. When were we going to figure out my Jacklyn situation?

"Ah, Jason," I said, "has there been any progress on what we discussed last night?"

"No," he said briskly, turning from the screens, "something has come up. Barney, show Chris how to work the database. Chris, I'm sure you can get it started. You saw what Barney had in those files, that's what we're looking for."

I nodded my head and Taylor turned away from me.

Barney came over to my desk with a groan and clicked on a program before leaving. Thanks for the help. Thankfully the database was easy enough to figure out. All I had to do was type in Jacklyn's name. With its unusual spelling, there was only one listed for Seattle. I clicked on it and then began trudging through all the information, compiling all the things I'd seen in Barney's files.

The task was incredibly boring. Jacklyn Hyde was just a normal person.

"How's it going?" Taylor asked me.

"All seems fine," I said. "I think I need to check SIP's files, can we do that?"

"Of course," Taylor said. "Barney, come hack into Seattle Independent Publishing for Chris."

Taylor left me and Barney came over, fingers flying over the keys. Shit, could I learn to hack like him? He finally got it sorted and then he warned me not to write anything or click on anything suspicious. I did as I was told. This had more of the information I was after. Jacklyn had two serious complaints made against her from two female employees, both ex-assistants of hers, just like me. Shit. I copied all the information down.

It said that she had made unwanted advances towards them. One even claimed she was forced into having sex with Jacklyn. Fuck, I dodged a bullet there. I dug a little deeper and saw that I had access to all the emails at SIP. I checked Jacklyn's first, none of them seemed amiss, except for a few oddly worded ones to Elizabeth, the head of HR at SIP. I wouldn't have caught it, but the language just seemed off from the other ones, like they were in code. I copied them to the file on Jacklyn I was making.

"So," Barney said, spinning to face me, talking to me clear across the room, there were five desks separating us, "Jacklyn Hyde, what have you found out?" He looked smug.

"Not much," I answered. "Why?"

"Oh, I just thought you'd figure it out," he said, "I ran her name through the same database as you and I can see it, but then again, I know what I'm looking for."

"What is it?" I asked. I looked for Taylor's help, but he and Welch were gone.

"You need to figure it out on your own," Barney said. Why was he acting this way?

"Why don't you like me?" I asked.

Barney didn't answer.

"Tell me," I pressed.

He ignored me.

"Why is this Jacklyn Hyde so important?" he asked instead.

"I think she's stalking me." It was weird to admit that out loud, but that was what it was right? She was stalking me, but did that mean I was stalking Anastasia? Shit, fuck, damn, that was different. I didn't burst into Anastasia's apartment, I didn't make her feel uncomfortable. Plus, Anastasia and I had a relationship, we loved each other, we broke up because of a mistake. Jacklyn was no one to me, it was completely different, wasn't it?

I was looking at Barney as his face fell and he quickly turned back to his computer furiously tapping away. What was his problem? What had he found? My phone buzzed and my attention was drawn away, Anastasia had finally replied. I smiled.

 _ **Anastasia:** Okay_

Okay. She said okay. I beamed. This was it, I could feel it. All we needed was to get together and hash everything out. I would talk to her, I would listen to her fears, and we would make a plan to move forward. Fuck Elena for fucking things up, but I knew I could win Anastasia back and I would.


	25. Back Together

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 5**

I kept my gaze on my coffee, stirring it as Anastasia sat across from me. We'd decided to meet somewhere public. I knew we needed to talk and I didn't want our physical sides overtaking us. Neither of us had spoken, we both ordered separately and sat down across from each other at the back of the coffee house. It reminded me of our first meeting in the coffee house in Portland. It seemed so long ago, but in some ways, we were at the exact same place in our relationship, yet so much had happened.

"I'm sorry," Anastasia said.

"I don't want your apologies." I met her eyes.

"What do you want?" she asked shyly.

"What do you want?" I countered.

She looked thoughtful for a moment. "I want you."

"And I want you," I sighed, "but we need to hash some things out first."

She nodded her head, taking a sip of her drink.

"I know some of what Elena's been telling you," I said and Anastasia froze.

"I know," she breathed out, "I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't, so I did the next best thing."

So, Anastasia had transferred me so that I would read Elena's messages and figure out what was going on, she knew me well.

"Is that the only reason you transferred me?" I asked.

"No," Anastasia shifted, "I didn't like how close you were to your coworkers."

"Ana, they're just my friends, I love you, that hasn't changed."

"I also didn't like how I was behaving, always checking on you, visiting your desk. I'd never been to the IT department before. I've spent a long time establishing myself as a powerful CEO, but visiting you was breaking down the barriers I'd carefully put up." Shit. "I trust you, Christian," she said, and thank fuck she wasn't calling me Chris anymore, it made me smile. "It only made sense, after you got a job at my company, to put you somewhere more useful."

"Do you care that I got a job at Steele International?" I asked.

"Of course not," she said, "I've been asking you to work for me since the moment we met. I like you being close. Why did you quit SIP?"

"I didn't like my boss." I shrugged, that was the simplest answer.

"No one likes their boss," Anastasia said, "I should know. Do you regret it?"

"No." That was an easy one, fuck Jacklyn Hyde and whatever she was up to. Barney hadn't told me anything, but he'd spent the rest of the day scowling at his computer, tapping away. I figured I'd grill him tomorrow, I was too focused on Anastasia and the fact that she had agreed to talk to me.

"I want to talk about Elena," I said, "and exactly what she said to you on the day we broke up."

"You read the messages," Anastasia said, picking at the napkin on the table.

"I think we both know they don't tell the full story. Come on, Ana, I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere."

"I… I had been confiding in her about us," she said, not meeting my eyes. "Elena seemed fine with it all, I think she thought it was just a phase I was going through or something, she didn't expect it to last. That day, I told her we'd slept together, twice… She lost it. She started grilling me about it and I told her how much it hurt. This only enraged her further.

"She started playing on my insecurities. She reminded me why males are a hard limit for me. She told me that if it hurt the first two times, it would always hurt. She started attacking you, saying that you wanted nothing but sex from me, that you were trying to change me to fit what you needed and not what I needed. I don't know, you read the messages. She just wouldn't shut up and she didn't let me leave until I agreed that leaving you was the best decision."

It was good to finally know the truth.

"Elena abused you," I kept my voice level, "you were fifteen, she was your mother's friend. I don't care if you were on a bad path or if she saved you, what she did was unacceptable. You don't fix someone's problems by having sex with them, by playing into their fears, by dominating them. Do you understand this?" I asked. "I know you said before that you've never really reflected on it, but I hope during our time apart you have, at least a little bit." She stayed silent. "What are your thoughts on this?"

"I agree," she said softly, "but-"

I cut her off straight away. I needed her to see this for what it was and I knew how to do it.

"Elliot's fifteen," I said and her face fell. "Imagine Elena doing to him what she did to you. He's too young, he's too susceptible, and he, as far as I know, didn't have your rough start in life. You have to see it, Ana. I don't want to hear you say that Elliot would be different. It doesn't matter who it is, Elena is a predator."

"I… How do I fix things?"

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"She can get to me too easily, you know that. …You're right. I can't say anymore than that right now because I was at fault too. How could I not tell that she was manipulating me? I didn't even enjoy what she was doing to me. It was just different, it was acceptable… How could I let her do that to me?"

I was out of my seat and sitting next to Anastasia in an instant. I wrapped my arms around her.

"Don't you dare blame yourself," I said sternly, "predators pray on the weak. She saw you as an easy target and that's all on her, not you. Look at me, see me as the opposite. You still have the same demons, but have I ever once manipulated you? Everything we've done has been mutual, I made sure you were comfortable, I loved you. Elena never loved you."

"Christian," she wrapped her arms around me, "I've missed you so much."

"It's okay, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere."

"How can you even be with me?" she asked.

"You let me worry about that," I said, pulling her back so I could look at her. "I don't want to presume anything, but can we take this back to your place?"

Anastasia looked at me warily.

"We still have a little more to discuss," I said, "and I'd rather do that alone."

She nodded her head and we stood up. I wrapped my arm around her and led her outside where Taylor was waiting for us. He opened the door and Anastasia slid in.

"Hey, Jason," I said, shutting the door slightly, "can you make sure Kate's alright while I'm at Ana's. I don't want Jacklyn coming back."

Taylor nodded his head and I hopped in the car. As soon as I was seated, Anastasia melted into my side, resting her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her close, before kissing the top of her head. I sighed contentedly. We still needed to talk about us and moving forward, but so far, we'd been doing well. Neither of us had yelled. I think the time apart really put into perspective what was most important to us and that was each other.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I stepped into Anastasia's apartment.

"I missed this place," I said.

There was a slight smirk on Anastasia's face. "More than me?" she asked and it was good to see her looking more relaxed and even joking around.

"I don't know," I smiled back, "maybe I missed you a little bit more… Maybe."

"Oh, my silly boy." Anastasia launched herself into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist. "I've never missed anyone like I missed you," she said, "I didn't like it."

"Me either, baby. Thank you for checking on me and holding me that night I was drunk. I just wish I'd been there to enjoy it, but now that I have you back in my arms I'm not going to let you go."

I walked us over to the couch and kept her on my lap as I sat down.

"We need to talk about moving forward," I said. "Where's your head at with all that?"

"I don't know," she answered. "I know the simple things, that I want you and I want to try, but I don't really know how I'm going to go about it or even if it would work."

"I have an idea," I said, "and I don't know if it'll work, but let me tell you about it. I think we need to approach this as though it's your first relationship."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Simple," I said, "you missed that in your life, you went straight into a BDSM relationship, and I'm not saying that's bad, but you need to try a normal teenage relationship."

"I still don't understand."

"We're going to start slow," I said, "really slow. I'm talking about handholding, hugging, snuggling, kissing, going on boring lame dates, simple stuff like that. Then we can slowly progress to making out and other fun stuff. I want to show you a different way, a healthier way. It won't be easy, I know that, but are you willing to try?" I held my breath, I wasn't sure I could handle it if she said no.

"That depends," she said. "Will there be any BDSM in this relationship? …I'm not sure I can give it up. I need it, I've missed it, it's all I know."

"I've missed it too," I said and it surprised her, "there's something freeing about being told exactly what to do. You don't have to think, you just submit yourself fully. I know you need it and I'm not going to ask you to give it up. I feel it's best if we keep doing it while we're trying our new relationship. I'm wary about too much change, too fast because that tripped us up before. Would you agree to one scene a week?" I asked.

Her eyes widened. "Are you sure that's what you want?" she asked. "We could do it less."

"Well, I don't want to presume again," I said, feeling embarrassed, "but before we split, I was basically living here. I want to do that again. I want to wake up with you, get ready for work together, go to work, come home and relax, and fall asleep with you in my arms. If you agree to that, I think once a week is a good idea. We can play it by ear. It's not a strict rule, none of this is, if we don't feel like it, we don't have to do it. If we need it more than once in a certain week, that's fine too."

"You've really thought about this, haven't you?"

"Of course," I said, "this is important to me, you're important to me. I've had five weeks to think this through. It's not going to be easy, I know that. I don't want you to hide your demons from me and I promise to make sure I'm as open and honest with you as I can be. We will make this work, but only if you want it to."

"I want to," she said resolved, "and I trust you and your planning. I'm glad you're on my security team, Christian. I love knowing that you're right below my office looking out for me."

"Always, baby." I flashed her my handcuff bracelet. "I never took it off," I admitted.

"But at work?" she said, touching it.

"It was hidden under my shirt," I said simply. "I was mad at you."

"I don't blame you."

"Hey, none of that, okay? I don't want you putting yourself down, that's a hard limit for me."

"I don't deserve you," she muttered against my chest.

"And I doubt I deserve you either. Come on, let's go to bed. I've missed sleeping next to you."


	26. New Normal

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 6**

"Will you hold me?" Anastasia asked, standing beside the bed.

I was on the other side. I usually slept naked, but I found a pair of sleep pants in my side of the closet to make her feel more comfortable.

"Only if you'll hold me too," I said, pulling the bedcovers back and slipping in.

I sighed, it had been too long since I'd been in this bed, it was so fucking comfortable.

Anastasia chewed on her lip, but I just waited for her. She found her courage and laid down next to me. I rolled onto my side, so we were facing each other with about a foot in between us. She seemed stiff, so I decided to talk to her first.

"I can't wait for tomorrow," I said.

"Why?"

"Because you have that whole closet of nice things for me to wear," I said, "I liked dressing up when we went to your parents."

"Thank you," she said and I looked at her confused, "for helping Elliot when we were broken up, you didn't have to do that."

"He's a good kid, plus I kind of promised him. It was good, I like making models."

Anastasia said no more, so I stayed silent too.

"I'm afraid, Christian."

"Of what?"

"That history will repeat itself and I'll push you away again, that you'll leave."

I moved closer to her, but we still weren't touching.

"We just need to take it slow, baby," I said, "and communicate. What are you planning to do with, Elena?"

"Do you think you can get Barney to block her messages and phone calls from coming through my cell?" she asked quietly. "I don't think I can trust myself when it comes to her and I really want to be with you, Christian."

"Of course," I said, "first thing tomorrow, I'll ask him for you."

"What will we tell people at work? …What have you been telling people? Do they know we dated?"

"My friends in IT figured it out," I said, "they didn't really care, and all I told them was that we were no longer together. As for what we tell them, I don't know about you, but I'm not going to hide that we're back together, though being on the floor below will help with that I think. It's not like I'm going to go around telling everyone. What are you thinking?"

"I don't really want to tell anyone," she said, "but I don't care if you do. Can you hold me now?"

"Of course." I wrapped my arms around her and she tensed for a moment before relaxing. When she was relaxed fully, I pulled her to me. "I missed you so fucking much," I mumbled into her hair, kissing her head. "I love you, Ana."

"I know, baby." I could hear the smile in her voice.

It was so good to be back with her. I fell asleep easily and I didn't let go of Anastasia all night.

I woke up with my face buried in her hair and I didn't even pull away from her. Part of me wanted to stay in bed all day, maybe even do more, but I knew it wasn't possible. We both had work. I groaned and Anastasia laughed, I had missed her laugh.

"We could always call in sick," she said softly, running her fingers through my hair, "I know the boss, she won't care."

"Tempting," I said, "but I'm on thin ice already. Did I tell you that she transferred me for no reason? I've gotta be on my best behavior."

"You?" Anastasia asked, pulling away so she could look at me, "you don't even know the meaning of best behavior."

"Hey," I said, "I can be good… when I want to."

She laughed and wiggled out of bed. "You can shower first," she told me, "I need to check on some things."

She left me and yet again I couldn't believe that we were back together, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I got up and had a shower before standing in my closet wearing nothing but a towel. I literally didn't know what to wear, there were too many options. In the end, I grabbed a pair of dark blue slacks and a light blue dress shirt. I found the jackets and faltered, I'd never worn a suit jacket before. I pulled on the one that matched my pants and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked good, but I wasn't sure.

"Do you need help?" Anastasia asked, smirking from the doorway.

"Maybe," I said.

I knew there was no rush, I didn't have to wear everything today. Tomorrow was a new day and I could choose something completely different, the thought made me smile.

"Allow me to complete the outfit," she said, walking into the closet.

Anastasia got me a black belt, which I slid on and did up, and then she gave me a patterned piece of fabric, I had no idea what to do with it. She smiled and took it back, folding it before putting it in my breast pocket, ah, a pocket square.

"Choose a watch," she said, "I'll get your shoes."

I walked over to the cabinet, but opened the first drawer by mistake. The lanyard was still there and so were the words Anastasia had written on it, _Miss Steele's boyfriend_.

"I can't believe you didn't get rid of all this," I said, touching the visitor pass.

Anastasia came and stood next to me. "I think deep down I knew you'd come back, well, I hoped. If you didn't, I would've gifted it all to you anyway."

She closed the drawer and opened the one with the watches. "I'm going to have a shower, when you're finished, get Gail to make you something to eat. I think she missed you, I'm not sure she even knows you're back yet."

Anastasia left and I quickly chose a watch and put on my shoes. I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't look half bad, definitely better than what I had been wearing to work, which mainly consisted of my dark jeans and a plain dress shirt. This was much fancier. I grabbed my glasses off the bedside table and slid them on so I wouldn't forget them.

Gail had my coffee ready and waiting for me. I smiled at her so widely.

"Good morning, Chris," she said, "it hasn't been the same without you."

I took a sip of my coffee. "Thanks, Gail. Can you make breakfast for Ana and me?"

"Sure, what would you like?"

"Surprise me."

Anastasia came back out in time for breakfast and we ate together. I could get used to this, and yet again I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, I was just so fucking happy.

Taylor drove us to work and I hoped this would become my new normal. Anastasia and I rode the elevator alone and when it stopped on the nineteenth floor there was a tinge of sadness between us, but I couldn't let it taint anything.

"Have a good day," I told her, "I'll see you after."

I exited the elevator and punched in the code to get into our offices. Barney was the only one there and I was reminded of the task I had for him.

"Hey, Barney, can you block a contact in Ana's phone?" I asked.

"No," he said, eyes never leaving his screen, "you do it."

"I don't know how," I admitted, sitting down at my desk and getting my laptop out of its bag.

"It's not hard," he said, "now shut up, I'm trying to concentrate."

I sighed and waited for the laptop to start up, as I was waiting, Sawyer came in with another guy I hadn't met.

"Hi, Luke," I said, he nodded back.

"Chris, this is Ryan," Sawyer told me.

"First or last name?" I asked, standing up so I could shake his hand.

"Last," Ryan said, taking my hand, "It's Jonathan."

"Nice to meet you, Jonathan, I'm Chris Grey."

"Miss Steele's ex?" he questioned.

"Well, umm, technically not," I said, hating that I was bumbling my words, "we got back together last night."

"And she's still letting you work with us?" Sawyer asked and I noticed that Barney was listening. "Shit, Chris."

I shrugged. "She said she liked having me down here looking out for her… Not that you guys don't do a stand-up job, I don't know, she can be so confusing at times."

Sawyer and Ryan nodded their heads.

"You're really back together?" Barney asked me as I sat down and went into the mirror program of Anastasia's phone.

"Yeah."

"It's a bit quick don't you think?" he said.

"Not for us," I sighed, "and I'd really prefer it if we didn't talk about our relationship. She's our boss and she deserves respect."

"So, now you're going on about respect," Barney scoffed, "that's a big change from yesterday. Tell me, are you still calling her Ana or Miss Steele?"

"Is it really that important to you?" I asked him. He nodded his head. "Fine, while I'm at work I will refer to her as Miss Steele." This seemed to please Barney, so I moved onto the other thing I had to ask him. "What did you find out about Jacklyn Hyde?" I asked him and he frowned. Shit, that couldn't be good.

"Nothing concrete yet," he answered roughly, "but I'm chasing down a few leads. No need to worry, Chris."

Shit, I think that was the first time he'd called me Chris. I wasn't sure, but it seemed like it. Something was definitely up, but I had no idea what. I turned back to my laptop.

Barney was right, it wasn't hard to block someone. I found Elena's name and blocked her. I smiled, I knew this wouldn't be the end of Elena, but hopefully it would stop her poison for now. I just needed to make sure Anastasia avoided her in person too.

"Here," Barney dropped a bunch of heavy folders on my desk, "this is similar to the background checks you did on the potential employees, but these are potential property and business investments. I need you to look them up, and their key employees, and see what kind of dirt you can dig up. Miss Steele doesn't like to be surprised when she invests in new things."

I nodded my head and got to work. It was hard and long, but ultimately interesting work. It was kind of like the models I built, I had to look at all the angles and supports, looking for the weak link. I was thoroughly enjoying this task. Taylor came in at some point and so did Welch. They spoke to Barney for a moment before sitting at their own desks and getting to work.

My mind kept going to Anastasia and I still couldn't keep the smile off my face, I felt like a love-sick fool, but I didn't care. I kept looking at the clock, but five pm was so far away. I wished I could go and see her, but I didn't want to cross any lines.

I almost forgot that I was her security advisor. If I had access to her phone, then surely I had access to her schedule too. I stopped working on the properties and looked for her schedule on the desktop. I found it and clicked on it. Anastasia was booked solid, all day, like most of her days. She only had fifteen minutes free at 1:10 this afternoon.

I wondered if I could go and see her. I didn't want to crowd her or anything, but I missed her so much. I decided I had nothing to lose, so I got back to work until it was time.

At 1:05, I left the office and took the elevator to the twentieth floor. I stopped by reception first.

"Is she alone?" I asked Andrea.

Andrea nodded her head. "Here," she handed me a container with what appeared to be chicken salad in it, "give this to her and make sure she eats it. Sometimes she forgets."

I took it and made my way to her office. I knocked, but opened the door before she could answer. Anastasia was on the phone, but she smiled brightly at me as I shut the door behind me. She pointed to the sitting area and I sat her lunch on the coffee table before collapsing on the couch and closing my eyes. It felt good being near her again.

"No, that sounds fine, Ros," Anastasia said. "I'm sure you can handle it… I really need to go… Yes… See you tomorrow."

Anastasia hung up the phone and I opened my eyes, she was just sitting at her desk, looking at me.

"Shouldn't you be working?" she asked.

"Probably," I smiled, "but then again, I've been working my ass off. Barney's got me checking properties for you."

"Do you like it down there?" Anastasia asked, still at her desk. "Because I could get you your old job back if you'd like."

Shit, she'd really do that for me? Even with the potential female coworkers I'd be fraternizing with? That was some serious personal growth from her.

I sat up straighter.

"It's okay," I said, "the basement, as Taylor calls it, is growing on me. Plus, I don't have whiny people complaining about stupid IT problems that they could easily Google and fix themselves."

"Okay," she accepted with a smile as she came over to me.

I pulled the lid off her lunch as she stared at me as she sat down.

"Andrea told me to make sure you eat," I said and Anastasia rolled her eyes. "What?" I asked, "she just cares about you, as do I. Please eat, baby."

"What about you?" Anastasia asked, spearing a piece of chicken.

"I already ate, Jonathon bought pizza."

"Who?" Anastasia asked as she continued to eat.

"Jonathon Ryan, I just met him today, he came in with Sawyer."

"Oh, Ryan, right."

Did Anastasia really not know some of her employees first names? It was a little sad, but I found it was just her. It had to be because she didn't want to get close to people. She was trying to save herself from getting hurt.

Anastasia kept eating and neither of us talked, we just looked at each other, sharing smiles. Before long, our time was up. Anastasia had finished eating and her phone rang. I stood up and she mirrored my disappointment.

"Not long until five now," I told her. She kept looking at me. "Are you going to answer that?"

My words snapped her out of it. "Bye, Christian," she said, "work hard or you'll be in trouble with the boss."

I knew she didn't mean it sexually, but it went straight to my dick and I groaned. Anastasia frowned and I quickly made my exit not wanting to get into anything sexual at work. Everything could wait until we were back at her apartment. I looked at my watch, it was 1:30, only three and a half hours to go. Shit, why was the work day so long?

Thankfully, I buried myself in my work and the day passed quicker than I expected. I was itching to get back to Anastasia and her apartment. I stood up at five and Taylor smiled sadly at me.

"What?" I said.

"Are you going home with Miss Steele?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Then we have to wait for her to text," he leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head, "sometimes she doesn't leave until eight."

Shit. I sat back down. Surely it wouldn't be eight o'clock tonight. Half an hour passed and I wasn't so sure anymore. Taylor just sat there, staring at me. He was used to waiting, I wasn't.

"Can I message her?" I asked him. Barney was still here, but everyone else had left.

"You can do whatever you want, Chris." He was smirking at me, shit, what did that mean?

"I think we need a new system in place," I said and Taylor looked at me curiously, "if Miss Steele is going to be more than half an hour, you can take me to her place and I'll just wait there for her."

"Could work," Taylor said, "but then again you won't be here to convince her to go home."

"But I'd be in a better position to convince her with more privacy." I cocked my eyebrow, hoping Taylor was picking up what I was putting down.

"No," Barney said loudly, "I don't care if you've clocked off, there will be no talking about Miss Steele like that in this office."

"What's his problem?" I asked Taylor.

"Barney's very protective of Miss Steele," Taylor supplied, "but he won't tell anyone why. …He's the only person she calls by his first name."

Oh shit, so Barney was important to her, but why? I guess it made sense, Anastasia wasn't stupid, she'd want someone she trusted as her main security advisor.

"I'll just run a check on him," I said quietly to Taylor, but Barney heard me.

"Don't," is all Barney said and it had me backing off.

"Then I'll just ask Ana," I said, not caring that I was using her first name. Barney was right, I'd clocked off, I didn't need to be professional anymore.

"I would strongly advise against that," Barney said and yet again his tone of voice had me backing off. "Some things need to be left alone, Chris, the sooner you realize that, the better."

Hmph.

"Finally," Taylor said, standing up, "Chris, you go and get Miss Steele and I'll meet you out the front."

I smiled, finally was right.

Anastasia was waiting by the elevator as the doors opened and she looked at me surprised. "You're too good at your job," she said.

"If only," I replied, "I clocked off at five, this is your boyfriend picking you up."

"Yes, boyfriend," she smiled, stepping on, "oh, how I missed calling you that."

I took her hand in mine and squeezed it as we went down to the lobby. Today had gone well, knowing Anastasia was working just above me was a comfort. When I was at SIP and even before then, I didn't want to leave her for something as trivial as work, but now I was starting to see the benefits. I was learning heaps and doing something worthwhile. It was good.

We sat in the back of the Audi while Taylor drove us. I was still holding Anastasia's hand and I sighed in contentment.

"How was work, baby?" I asked her and she looked at me incredulously. "Just play along," I said.

"It was good, long, somewhat lonely, but I did get a welcomed afternoon visitor. It got me thinking, that maybe I should schedule daily meetings with my new security advisor, you know, for work related reasons." I could agree to that. "How was your day?" she asked.

"Good," I smiled, "who knew working at Steele International would be so rewarding."

"Not you," Anastasia bit back, "but you were so adorable when you came and interviewed me that it almost makes up for your initial rejection of working for my company. You were so nervous, stuttering your words, and your face when I offered you a tour… You couldn't wait to get away from me, I could see that, but you came back after a little chasing."

"Don't remind me," I grimaced, "that interview was terrible. I can't believe you didn't kick me out."

"I almost did," Anastasia admitted, "but I didn't really want to have Kathrine Kavanagh chasing me again. How is she doing?"

"Good," I said, reminding myself to text her, "she's working for the Seattle Times."

"Impressive."

Indeed.

Taylor dropped us off at the front of Escala and we made our way up to Anastasia's apartment together. As soon as we entered, Anastasia went for the kitchen and I pulled my jacket off, sitting on the couch. It was good to be home… Shit, home. I knew I'd basically asked Anastasia if I could live here last night, but we didn't officially say anything and I didn't have the new codes to her apartment yet. I guess it didn't matter. If this felt like home to me then I'd call it home.

Anastasia handed me a glass of wine and sat on the couch. I took a sip before sitting it down. She looked at me confused, but something washed over me, something I remembered from when I was finding her safe zones, I wanted to rub her feet. I had imagined this, us both coming home from work and me giving her a foot rub. I wanted to do it so badly. I wanted to take care of her.

"What?" Anastasia asked hesitantly.

I angled myself towards her and patted my lap. Her eyes widened and I shook my head. "I want to give you a foot rub," I said, "that's all. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time."

She looked at me curiously. I didn't want to plead her, but I would if it came down to it. Anastasia pulled her shoes off before she rested against the arm of the couch and set her feet on my lap.

"I've never had a foot rub before," she admitted shyly.

Either had I, but I wasn't going to say anything to take away from this moment.

I smiled at her as I picked up her left foot and started rubbing the sole of her foot. She moaned appreciatively and closed her eyes, continuing to sip her wine. I kept rubbing her foot, making sure I got everywhere and when I was done I moved onto her right foot.

I loved the little sounds she was making, they were so hot, but I didn't think about them too much. I didn't want to get hard and do something stupid. We needed more time before we did anything sexual, maybe, fuck. She moaned again and I was losing my focus.

"Mmm," she said, "that feels so good, baby."

"See," I said, "these are the types of things I was talking about. This feels good and it's not sexual at all."

"Hmm."

I laughed, I think she was far too gone for any serious talk right now.

"Today was perfect," she said, eyes still closed.

"And its only day one," I said, "we get to do it all again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day… for the rest of our lives."

Anastasia's eyes shot open. "You really mean that, don't you?" she stated.

"Of course," I said, "even if you push me away again, I'm not going to leave, I made that mistake once. Next time, I'm just going to handcuff us together so neither of our stupid asses can leave."

"Good." She smiled as I continued to rub her feet.


	27. Jacklyn Hyde

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 7**

It was now Wednesday and things were going great. Living with Anastasia was amazing, going to work together, spending our evenings together, I couldn't ask for anything more.

The phone on my desk rang and I answered it. "Grey."

"Mr. Grey, I have an Ethan Kavanagh downstairs, do you want me to send him up to the twentieth floor?"

"No, I'll come down and meet him." I hung up the phone and stood up.

I had no idea why Ethan was here, but I was happy for the break from work.

Ethan smiled when I saw him. "Chris, how have you been?"

"Great, Ethan, how was Barbados?"

"It was great, Kate didn't want to leave. Hey, why did you come down and meet me? I wanted to see Steele International."

"Maybe next time," I said. "Let's grab some lunch or something, I'll pay."

"You're going to pay?" Ethan asked shocked. "What happened to you? You never pay for anything."

"Well, I'm guess I'm growing up," I shrugged, "that, and I've got a good job that pays well."

"And how is it working for your girlfriend?" Ethan pushed me in the shoulder.

"Pretty fucking great actually," I beamed.

"It's good to see you happy, man."

"Thanks, Ethan. …Is there any reason for your visit or did you just miss me?"

Ethan rolled his eyes. "I was bringing you your mail," he said, handing me one single envelope. I cocked my eyebrow at him. "What?" he said, "it could've been important. Plus," of course, "I was wondering, are you living with Anastasia now because I was thinking of taking your room? I don't really want to live with my sister, but I'm desperate."

I laughed, "sure, Ethan, I'll organize someone to grab my stuff out today. I've been meaning to do it."

"I can do it," Ethan said, "it's not like I've got anything else on."

I thought about it. He could do it, I had nothing to hide, except the contract from Anastasia, but I had no idea where that was anymore. Shit, maybe I should clear it out myself and stop being lazy. Most of it was still in boxes anyway.

"Do you have some porno mags or something?" Ethan asked.

I opened the door to my favorite sub place and we entered.

"No, it's not that," I said, "just… leave it with me and I'll get it sorted."

"Today?" Ethan asked hopefully.

"Yeah."

"Good, I've kind of been sleeping on the couch."

I laughed as we stepped up to the counter and ordered. Once done, we found a table and I opened my one and only piece of mail. It was from Carrick Steele, Anastasia's father.

"What is it?" Ethan asked.

"Ana's father has invited me to some fundraiser he's holding at his house this weekend."

"You gonna go?" Ethan asked. "Why didn't he just talk to Anastasia about this?"

"Beats me," I said, not wanting to get into it. "If Ana wants to go, then I will too."

"Of course," Ethan said, "you're so whipped."

I didn't bother replying to that.

"It is you," someone said from directly behind me.

I turned and was faced with Jacklyn Hyde, shit.

"Oh, hey, hi Jacklyn."

"Christian," she said, trying to be suave but failing. "You look good."

Ethan cleared his throat.

"Umm, Jacklyn, this is my friend Ethan. Ethan this is-"

"Jacklyn," she cut me off, "nice to meet you Ethan. …So, how have you been, Christian?" she asked.

"Good," I said, trying not to panic, "and you?"

"Things aren't the same without you," she said. "I really wish you would reconsider and come back and work for SIP."

"Well, thank you for the offer," I said, "but I'm happy where I am."

Jacklyn's gaze hardened. "Very well," she said, standing up. "I'll see you around, Christian."

"What the hell was that all about?" Ethan asked when Jacklyn had left.

"No idea," I answered honestly, "she was my boss for a week around a month ago. I quit, but I guess she hasn't accepted it."

"That's fucking weird," Ethan said.

I nodded in agreement and we continued on with lunch.

I parted ways with Ethan and told him that I'd get rid of my stuff after work, which I did. Anastasia came with me and we boxed it all up before getting a moving company to transfer it to Escala for me. It was less painful than moving to Seattle and I was glad my stuff was finally at Anastasia's. I had no reason to go back to that apartment, the one where Jacklyn knew I lived. I wasn't worried about Kate and Ethan because of the increased security Taylor had put into place. The building now had a doorman, they would be fine.

I sat down on the couch with a sigh, it had been a long day. Anastasia sat next to me with her wine.

"Can I rub your feet?" she asked me.

"Please," I said, leaning back against the couch and closing my eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asked me.

I knew I should tell her about Jacklyn, but I didn't want to fuck anything up so soon. I'd told Taylor and the guys, and we were on top of the situation. Anastasia started rubbing my feet and my mind shifted.

"Does your family know we're back together?" I asked her and she paused.

"I don't think so," she answered before rubbing my feet again, "unless you told them. Why?"

"Carrick invited me to this masked party thing on Saturday."

"Oh," she said.

I opened my eyes to look at her.

"What does that mean?" I asked. "Are you going?"

"Yes."

"Were you going to ask me?"

"Of course."

Why was she being so tightlipped?

"Then what is it?" I pressed.

"Elena will be there," Anastasia said. Oh, shit. "I've been meaning to tell you, I just, didn't know how I guess."

"Can we skip it?" I asked.

"No, it's for a charity that's very important to me."

"Oh, okay." I paused to collect my thoughts.

This wasn't ideal, but I was confident that if we stayed together for the whole party then Elena wouldn't have a chance to poison Anastasia. I'd make sure of that.

"It'll be fine," I told her, but it didn't seem to reassure her. I let it drop for now, knowing that I had days to convince her of this fact. Right now, I just wanted to relax and forget.

It was Friday and I was currently at my desk, watching the clock, waiting for my weekend to get started. Although Anastasia and I had the party at the Steele's tomorrow, I was looking forward to spending the whole weekend with her. It had me smiling.

"Someone's trying to hack Steele International," Barney said and that woke us all up.

Barney tapped away as we all came to stand around him.

"Are you trying to stop them?" I asked.

"No," Barney said, "I'm trying to track them before they realize their task is futile."

I looked at Taylor.

"No one can hack our servers," he said, "don't worry, Chris."

"Do we need to tell Miss Steele about this?" I asked.

"No," Taylor said, "we never bother her until we have answers."

"I'm closing in," Barney said. "Come on, just a little bit longer." He kept tapping away and then everything stopped.

"What is it?" I asked, looking at the screen, but I had no idea what I was looking at.

"This is because of you," Barney said, turning to face me.

"Me?" That couldn't be right.

"The hacker is currently at Seattle Independent Publishing," he said.

Shit. "Is it Jacklyn Hyde?" I asked.

"No, Elizabeth Morgan," Barney said.

"How can you be sure?" I asked. "Maybe Jacklyn's using her computer."

Barney hit a button and it must've accessed the web cam because there Elizabeth was, staring frustratingly at us. Barney shut it down.

"What's going on with Jacklyn?" I asked Barney. "You've told me nothing. Why did you say it was my fault?"

"Jacklyn is obsessed with you," Barney said, "I don't know why, but you brought this shit with you."

"Ignore him," Taylor said. "It doesn't matter when, how or why this is happening, we're going to get on top of it. I think it's time you told Miss Steele," Taylor said.

"There's gotta be more to this," I said, ignoring Taylor. "I did nothing to her, I hardly knew her."

"It's you," Barney said, "I went through her hard drive and all I found was the photo of you and Miss Steele from the Times."

"So?" I said. "That could mean she was after Miss Steele, I think we need to look at all options here."

"She had your head circled," Taylor said, "but of course we're looking into everything. You need to tell her, the sooner, the better. In the meantime, Sawyer will become your personal bodyguard. You don't go anywhere without him until we can figure out what Jacklyn Hyde wants."

So much for my laidback Friday afternoon. Fuck Jacklyn Hyde. I did nothing to her, there had to be more to this, but what? I sighed, when would everyone leave Anastasia and me the fuck alone?

Work ended and I was in the worst mood. I knew that everything I said would contain a swear word, so I stayed quiet instead. I didn't want to incur Anastasia's wrath on top of everything else. It was too much. I didn't want to go to this party, I didn't want to see Elena, I didn't want to deal with Jacklyn.

Anastasia moved from her side of the car and sat on my lap, resting her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and unclenched my jaw, sighing. She didn't say anything and I was quietly thankful for that.

When we got back to the apartment, I left her with a weak smile and headed straight for the shower, wanting to wash all of this shit off me. The shower seemed to do the trick and once I was re-dressed and back in the main room, I was calmer. Anastasia smiled shyly at me and I smiled back, wrapping my arms around her.

"Sorry," I said, "it's just been a shitty day at work."

"Anything you want to talk about?" she asked.

"Not really," I sighed.

"Is Barney still giving you a hard time?" she asked. "I can talk to him again."

"No, it's not him."

Anastasia seemed relieved and I wondered why that was. I wanted to ask her who Barney was, but I honestly couldn't handle any more right now.

"What do you need?" Anastasia asked, resting her hand on my cheek, her eyes searching mine.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

"Is this because we still haven't kissed?" she asked.

Shit, we hadn't. I think I realized this fact in the back of my mind, but I hadn't really focused on it. We'd been close, but all we'd done so far was hold each other close and say how we felt. It was good, we were going slow, but now she'd mentioned it, I knew I had missed the physical stuff too. Maybe this was why I was feeling so off.

"Christian," Anastasia whispered, "you're reminding me of the day you had your accident. I don't want you to black out again. What can I do to help? Do you need me to call Dr. Flynn?"

No, fuck him. I sighed and sat down on the couch.

"Someone tried to hack our servers today," I said and Anastasia's eyes widened in alarm. "I… I haven't been honest with you," I admitted, staring at the coffee table, "we have this motto in the basement, that we don't bother you until we have answers and I know that doesn't pertain to us, but it started when we were broken up, well, before then technically."

"What is it?" Anastasia's voice was hard and she was keeping her distance.

"Remember when I worked at SIP," I said, "for a week?" Anastasia nodded her head. "Well, my boss, Jacklyn Hyde, she, umm, I think she's stalking me."

"Speak faster, Christian," she warned. She hadn't been this firm with me in a long time and I found I'd missed it.

"I got a weird vibe off her during the interview and then working with her wasn't much better, she treated me different to everyone else, but I have no idea why. I quit around the start of my drinking binge, I think, and apparently, she showed up at my apartment. I was too out of it to let her in and she left. She messaged me when I was sober saying that I still had a job, but I told her I'd moved on.

"After I started working for you, she showed up at my apartment, forced her way inside. She was acting so shifty, playing the knives. I managed to get her to leave and I called Taylor. Taylor sent Prescott to keep watch and when I was at work the next day they amped up the security at Kate's apartment. We started looking into her background and Barney found something, but he didn't say what.

"Wednesday, when I had lunch with Ethan, she was there. She just said that it wasn't the same without me, that I still had a job with her, I don't know. Today, someone from SIP tried to hack into our servers. Barney traced it and it was Elizabeth Morgan, she works in HR at SIP, she was there during my interview with Jacklyn. Afterwards, Barney said that it was my fault and that Jacklyn had a photo of us on her hard drive with my head circled… I'm just… I guess with this, and the Elena stuff, it's getting too much."

Anastasia stayed where she was.

"Taylor knows all of this information?" she questioned, "Barney too?"

I nodded my head and she finally relaxed.

"You need to let me in, Christian," Anastasia came over and sat with me, "I think this, and your past experiences, have shown that you're not good at dealing with these things on your own." She ran her hand through my hair.

It was good that she now knew. It made me feel better, I was sharing this burden.

"Whatever she's after," Anastasia said, "I won't let her touch you."

I nodded my head, trusting Anastasia fully. "Taylor's assigned Sawyer to guard me until we know what's going on," I told her.

"Good," Anastasia said. "Put your trust in them, Christian, I've created the best team."

"Can you tell me more about them?" I asked.

"I don't know much," she admitted, somewhat evasively, "Taylor's ex-army and he assembled most of the team."

"And Barney?" I asked.

Her breath hitched.

"Barney… He…" she faltered, her eyes searching mine, "he was the one who found me… when I was four… My mother had overdosed and she was just there, dead… Her pimp found her body days later and he must've called it in because the police came. Barney was the first person to approach me and I clung to him, not letting go, even in the hospital.

"There's no one I trust more in this world, Christian. When I was creating my team, I knew I wanted him on it, so I tracked him down and he agreed. …I know he can be very protective of me," she said, "but he hasn't been too hard on you, has he?"

It was a relief knowing Barney's deal and it was yet another weight lifted off my mind.

"No," I smiled, "he just doesn't think I'm good enough for you, but don't worry, I'm slowly proving myself."

She smiled. "You are the two people I trust most," she said, "and I love that you're both working together."

"We'll never let anything happen to you," I told and her smile faltered.

"What about you?" she asked.

I shrugged.

"Christian," she said seriously, "I don't like this new development."

"Me either," I admitted, "but me and the guys are working on it, we haven't stopped since she was in Kate's apartment, we'll figure it out."

"I can't lose you, Christian."

I hugged her to me.

"You won't, baby, handcuff bracelets remember," I smiled, "and when you're not protecting me, Sawyer will be, I'll be okay."

"Make sure that you are."


	28. The Auctions

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 8**

"Do I have to wear this?" I asked Anastasia as I looked at the mask she handed me.

"It's a masquerade party," she said, "it's mandatory."

"I understand that, but do I have to wear it."

"I guess you don't have to," she said. "Why don't you want to?"

"Many reasons," I sighed, discarding the mask onto the seat in between us. "I want everyone to know that you're mine and I don't like the idea of hiding who I am. I just… I'm not comfortable with it."

"Well, I personally don't care," Anastasia said, "but you'll probably be the only person not wearing one."

"I don't care about that," I told her, happy I didn't have to wear the mask. "So, what's going to happen at this event?"

"The usual stuff."

"Like what?"

"Lots of people flashing their cash around. Auctions, raffles, dinner, dancing."

"Question," I said and Anastasia looked at me mildly annoyed, fuck, that was probably a stupid thing to say, "can I use your money?"

"What do you mean?"

"For the auction, what if I want to buy something? I'd use my own money, but I have a feeling I'd be sorely outbid."

"Of course, Christian," she said, "what's mine is yours."

"You should probably give me a limit," I warned her.

Anastasia smiled, laughing at me. "No limit," she told me. "I doubt you'll overspend tonight and if you do, well, I'll just give you a limit next time."

I leaned towards Anastasia, giving her enough time to back away. We still hadn't had our first kiss since we got back together, but I wasn't waiting any longer. Anastasia didn't pull back and I took it slow, keeping our mouths closed, but putting as much passion into the kiss as I could muster.

I ended up pulling back, not that I wanted to. I now wanted to skip this whole party and just go back to Escala and play with Anastasia. We could do that right? No Elena, no party, just us.

"Let's go home," I said and Anastasia shook her head no.

"Can't, baby," she said, "this is important to me."

I huffed and she laughed.

Taylor pulled up to the house, but before he got out, Anastasia spoke to him.

"Taylor, please exit the vehicle and stand guard, no one is to disturb us."

"Yes, Miss Steele."

Taylor got out and I looked at Anastasia confused.

"Do you want to play a little game?" she asked me.

"Yes," I all but panted. I was so ready for this, whatever it may be.

"You need to follow my instructions perfectly," she said.

"Of course."

"I'm going to make you hard and you're going to stay that way all night. Every now and then, I'll be checking. If you do this, and behave impeccably," she looked at me meaningfully, "I will reward you back at Escala."

"Are you worried about me?" I asked, ready and waiting. "You know I can be good when I want to."

"I know, baby," she said, "but I'm just making sure you don't run that lovely mouth of yours off on someone tonight. This party is held every year and it's important to me. You're here as my date, so I need you to behave."

That made sense.

"Okay," I said, "I accept."

Anastasia moved my discarded mask out of the way and slid closer to me.

"Hands behind your back," she said.

I was a little hurt. I wouldn't touch her if that's what she was worried about, all she had to do was ask me, but she didn't.

"Don't," she said sternly, "I'm sure we're blocking the driveway already, this needs to be quick."

I nodded my head and she unzipped my black slacks. Fuck, I was so ready for this. Her hand found its way into my underwear and she gripped me tightly. Fuck. My eyes closed and my head titled back. Shit, fuck, damn. It felt so good, it had been so long. I hadn't touched myself since we broke up, I'd tried, but my mind still thought that my orgasms belonged to Anastasia and they fucking did.

Anastasia was pumping me hard and fast, trying to get me hard. It was brutal and frantic, but amazing. Before long I was rock hard and panting, but she didn't stop. I was moments away from cumming when she finally stilled her movements. She didn't let me go.

"I can't wait for later," I said, trying to catch my breath.

"Me either, baby, so make sure you're a good boy."

I nodded my head. I would be so good tonight. Best behavior, nothing less.

"Do you want me to do you up?" she asked. "Or do you want to do it?"

Hmm. Usually I'd get her to do it, but I wasn't sure I could trust her. I needed to make sure my hard dick wasn't visible, but then again, maybe I should make it visible, get myself a little jealous Anastasia. Her gaze hardened. Shit.

"Whatever you're planning, Christian, don't."

Shit, I was busted.

"You do it," I panted. Fuck, couldn't she make me cum right now? A whole night of being hard… I'd do it for her as I knew the payoff would be worth it, but fuck.

Anastasia smiled and carefully arranged my dick so it was pointing up and slightly to the side. She was being careful, it was sweet. She readjusted my underwear and then did me up. I let out a guttural groan.

"Steady," Anastasia said and I had fucking missed her saying that to me.

I didn't want to be steady right now, so I wasn't. It may have been a little reckless considering one of Anastasia's past hang-ups was men being overcome by their emotions, but it was too late for that. I had her in my arms and I was kissing her hard. I had enough sense not to rub my dick on her, even though I fucking wanted to.

She pulled away and I let her.

"You're off to a terrible start," she told me and my face fell. "Don't worry, I'll forget this, but only because I know how long it's been."

Fuck yes.

Anastasia put her mask on and opened the door. Taylor appeared and opened it the rest of the way. Fuck, I forgot he was just outside the car. Thankfully, he didn't meet my gaze when I got out. Maybe mixing business and pleasure was a bad idea.

Anastasia wrapped her arm around my waist and my dick was aching so much that it had me fidgeting.

"Steady," Anastasia said, "or you won't make it."

Fuck, why had I agreed to this?

Sawyer brought up the rear, I had no idea where he'd come from. I assumed he was already here doing a perimeter check or some shit. It was odd being hard when they were keeping a close eye on me. What if they could tell? I decided it didn't fucking matter.

We walked the green carpet and I saw two photographers. I asked Anastasia about them.

"One's for the Seattle Times," she said, "the other is for us to buy a souvenir if we want."

Oh, so we were going to be in the Times again, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I wanted nothing more than the world to know that Anastasia was mine.

"Miss Steele," the Times photographer said.

We posed and I couldn't stop fucking smiling. Shit, I was hard too. I quickly glanced at my dick as we moved on, but thankfully you couldn't see anything. I should've worn a suit jacket.

The party was outside and there was at least three hundred people here, shit. No wonder I could see all of our security guys here. It made me feel safe, but yet again I didn't like how closely I was being watched when I was hard. Fuck. Anastasia squeezed my hand and I attempted to calm down.

"Chris," Elliot said, coming over to us, "did you see, did you see? I'm going to state. That model you helped me build pushed me over the edge, but now I need to come up with something more spectacular for state. Anastasia thinks I should build one of those tiny houses to show how the wood can be used. If dad lets me, do you think you can help me? I bet it's just like building a model, only bigger."

"Take a breath," Anastasia told him kindly, "I'm sure Christian and I will be happy to help in any way possible."

"Of course," I agreed.

"I'm so happy you're back together," Elliot said before rushing off.

"Your kid brother is so intense," I said, "but I like him."

Anastasia smiled. "Me too."

Anastasia took me around, introducing me to all the necessary people. It was utterly boring to me, but I played the part, knowing that I'd be with Anastasia tonight. It was enough to keep me hard every time I felt myself slipping. Anastasia had brushed against my dick twice already and she seemed pleased. I needed to keep it up.

"Ladies and gentleman," the master of ceremonies interrupted, "please take your seats, dinner is served."

Thank fuck. I wanted to sit down and maybe have a drink. Anastasia had skillfully made sure that I hadn't had anything to drink yet, but I hoped she'd loosen up during dinner, but knowing her, I wasn't hopeful. I didn't exactly deserve to drink after my week-long bender anyway.

Anastasia consulted the seating chart and led me over to a huge table that already had her mother, Grace and sister, Mia, sitting at it. Fuck, Mia. I still remembered the last time I was here for dinner. Mia had been such a bitch that day and I yelled at her. Maybe that was another reason Anastasia had told me to be on my best behavior tonight. I couldn't exactly yell at Mia with this many witnesses.

We sat down.

"Chris," Grace said, "it's good to see you again. And looking so handsome, so radiant."

"Mom," Anastasia said, warning her.

"Please," I turned to Anastasia, "at least someone thinks I'm handsome."

Anastasia's eyes hardened and she leaned closer to whisper something to me. "Watch it, Christian," she warned before her voice softened, "and you should know how I feel about you," she rubbed my still hard dick and my breath hitched, "I just don't make a point of saying it."

Shit.

"Well," I pulled back, "maybe you should."

She shook her head.

"You're not going to make it, are you?" Anastasia said and she was probably right. I couldn't keep my mouth shut, but now I was more determined to prove her wrong.

An older couple joined the table.

"Grandmother, Grandfather," Anastasia said, "may I introduce my boyfriend Christian Grey."

Grandparents, shit. Anastasia had warned me about her abusive ex-domme/sub, but not her grandparents. I wasn't prepared for this. Anastasia rested her hand on my knee and I tried to calm my thoughts.

"Oh," Anastasia's grandmother said, "I'm so glad you've finally found someone, dear, I hope he treats you right."

"He does, Grandma."

"Mother," Grace said, "please try not to embarrass them. They've only just gotten back together."

Shit. I wanted to say something so badly, I wanted to defend our split, just yell and scream for no reason, but I couldn't. Anastasia was squeezing my knee so tightly in warning. Fuck, I needed release in more ways than one.

Elliot joined us, sitting in between Mia and me, thank fuck, and then Carrick took the stage.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our annual charity ball. I hope you all will enjoy tonight and that you'll dig deep to support the work that our team does with Coping Together. As you know, it's a cause that is very close to my wife's heart, and mine."

Anastasia tensed beside me, I put my arm around her shoulders.

"I'll hand you over to our MC. Please enjoy your night."

Carrick left the stage and came over to our table. "Chris," he said, "I'm so glad you could make it."

"And he came with Anastasia," Grace said.

"Oh," Carrick faltered, "that's great news. So, are you two back together?"

I waited for Anastasia to answer, but she didn't.

"Yes, Cary, we are," I said.

Everyone seemed pleased with this information except for Mia, but she was keeping her mouth closed. I wondered if she had been warned to be on her best behavior just like me.

We ordered off the menu and Anastasia allowed me to have a glass of wine. I started gulping it down, but soon stopped. I had her voice in my head telling me to be steady.

Small talk was boring and I did my best to hold my tongue. As our food was brought to us, Anastasia leaned close to me and rubbed my dick. It was still hard and the friction was great, but not enough. She pulled back, looking at me proudly. Shit, I had missed that look. I loved pleasing her.

"The auction," Mia finally spoke and all eyes were on her, "I assume you're not participating again," she said to Anastasia.

Anastasia ignored her. I remembered last time being told that Anastasia usually met Mia blow for blow. My girl was holding her tongue too. I smiled proudly at her.

"You'll help then," Mia said to me.

I was so lost in Anastasia's eyes that I just boldly agreed. "What? Yeah, sure."

"Great," Mia said, clapping her hands, but I paid her no attention.

Anastasia shook her head, but she seemed amused more than anything else.

By the time dessert was served, night had fallen, and I was so fucking ready for release. Anastasia had been rhythmically stroking my dick whenever she could. I think she wanted me to succeed as much as I did. It had been a long month and a half apart.

I leaned toward Anastasia. "I really need to cum," I said, not caring if it cost me anything. "Please," I added.

I pulled back and she nodded her head, grabbing my hand in hers. "Excuse us for a moment," she told the table.

Thank fuck.

Anastasia led me to the nearest bathroom and she locked the door behind us.

"I shouldn't be doing this," she said, undoing my pants, "we had a deal, but… I want this too."

My pants fell to my ankles and Anastasia hooked her fingers in my underwear, pulling them down as she fell to her knees in front of me. Fuck, I groaned. Anastasia wasted no time and I didn't care. She wrapped her hand around my dick and swallowed half of it in one go. Shit, fuck, damn. I had missed this so much. I interlocked my fingers behind my back so that I didn't do anything to fuck this up.

Anastasia worked expertly, sucking, humming, jerking me. Fuck. I knew it wouldn't take long, it had been too long since I came.

Two minutes passed, maybe three, and I was fucking cumming. I grunted, pushing my hips forward as I shot my load down her throat. Fuck. I finished cumming and she gave me one last suck before pulling my underwear and pants up. I was too spent to move, so she did them up, smiling at me.

I pulled her to me, kissing her, not caring that I could taste myself. That was amazing and I hoped like hell that there would be more to come tonight, but even if this was it, I was so fucking content. She pushed me away, but she was smiling too.

"Continue to be good and we can do more later," she promised, "don't worry about staying hard anymore."

"You're amazing, you know that, right?"

Anastasia blushed and it was so fucking beautiful.

We regrettably had to rejoin the party, but at least I was no longer hard and on edge.

We'd been gone for barely five minutes, so no one questioned us which I was thankful for.

Carrick got back onto the stage and started talking about Coping Together. Anastasia handed me a card with a list of the items up for auction. I read it quickly, there were at least four items I wanted to buy and my eyes lit up at each one of them. Anastasia laughed beside me. It was hard to believe that I could really bid on these items. Fuck, I was lucky.

The auction started and I didn't hesitate. I bid for the first item and won it for $7,000 dollars. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I kept looking at Anastasia, but she just smiled at me encouragingly. I had to keep reminding myself that she earned $100,000 an hour. That was $2.4 million a day, well, if that covered all hours and not just working hours. Either way, $7,000 wasn't that much money to her.

I was happy that I'd won the signed Mariner's baseball bat.

Anastasia looked at me oddly. "You're not going to bid on everything, are you?" she asked.

I shook my head no. "My dad is obsessed with the Mariner's so I figured I may as well pick him up a Christmas gift."

"Can I come with you when you visit him next?" Anastasia asked.

"Sure," I said, "he'd love that."

Item three was about to be auctioned and it was donated by Elena Lincoln, fuck her. I was having such a good time that I didn't even bother looking for her. Hopefully I could get through the whole night without seeing her.

I bid on item nine and won it. It was so easy to win an auction when you had an endless amount of money. It was tickets for a race day at Daytona. I was more into aircrafts over cars, but I liked the idea of spending the day with Anastasia, standing close, ears getting blasted by the loud noises of the cars. She didn't question me this time, she was just enjoying my obvious excitement.

"$20,000," I said, the moment item thirteen was announced.

"$25,000," Anastasia countered.

Shit, what was she doing? This was the item I wanted most of all.

"$30,000," I said.

"It looks like we've got a real bidding war on our hands," the MC said.

"$40,000." Anastasia upped the price by ten thousand, so that meant I could too.

"$50,000." This was so stupid, it was all Anastasia's money. We were literally bidding against ourselves.

"$75,000."

Shit, an increase of $25,000. I couldn't do it. Anastasia was fighting me on this, but I had no idea why. I conceded and it fucking hurt as this was the item I wanted most; gliding lessons.

"After an epic battle," the MC said, "the item is sold to Miss Anastasia Steele."

I wanted to question her as to why she'd done it, but I wanted the next item too. It was a weekend for two at the Heathman. I still remembered our time there. I wanted to go back for a repeat performance, or even do more. She had told me at the time we'd go back, but we hadn't yet. Surely, if I won this item, then we'd have to go back. I won the item for a measly $12,000.

I wasn't interested in the other items, so I focused on Anastasia, cocking my eyebrow.

"What?" she asked, taking a sip of her drink.

I didn't give in and she soon crumbled.

"Soaring's my thing," she said and it almost sounded petty, but I held my tongue, "I like going with you." She dropped her head. "If you take lessons then you won't need me."

There was the truth.

"You're forgetting one important thing," I said to her, "all I would be doing is returning the favor. You'd still be with me, you'd just be up front and I would be the one taking control."

She paused, thinking it over.

"Maybe," she settled on and I smiled. I wanted to learn how to fly so fucking badly. "That's not a yes, Christian."

"I don't care." And I didn't.

"I didn't know you had so much money, Chris," Mia said and I was broken out of my bubble with Anastasia.

"I don't," I turned to her, "but lucky for me, my girlfriend's rich."

"So, you only like Annie for her money?" she said.

Anastasia's hand was back on my knee, warning me.

"Amongst other things," I said sweetly.

"Excuse me," Carrick cleared his throat, "but it's it time for the first dance auction."

"Oh, right," Mia stood up, "come on, Chris."

Ah, what? Shit, was this the thing I'd agreed to? Fuck. I stood up to follow Mia, but not before I planted a chaste kiss on Anastasia's lips much to the astonishment of our tablemates. I didn't care. Mia whisked me away.

I followed her on stage and noticed that I was the only guy. Oh, fuck this. It was too late to leave though as everyone had seen me. They started auctioning off the girls and it made me so mad, what was this barbaric bullshit?

Most of the girls were going for around $5,000 and I wanted no part of this.

"You better hope Annie wins you," Mia said, "she's been known to throw a hissy fit or two."

"Can you just shut the fuck up about her already?" I whisper-hissed.

"You're so protective of her," Mia said, "why is that? She's not that special you know."

I crossed my arms and ignored her.

"She didn't talk for years, did you know that?" Mia said. "It was so fucking stupid."

I could feel my anger rising, but I had to be good, especially seeing as I was on stage in front of everyone else.

"You know she's gay, right?" Mia said. "I caught her once, she had this girl tied up, she was whipping her. I said nothing, but it doesn't change the fact that I saw her. Does she whip you too?"

Fuck, could I throttle her yet?

My eyes found Anastasia's and she was looking at me so angry and fearful, fuck. I couldn't wait for it to be my turn.

"I know more," Mia said, "has she introduced you to Elena Lincoln yet?"

Fuck, I tried not to react.

"She's that beautiful blonde over there, in the red dress, the one that's staring at us."

I didn't want to look, but I was helpless to resist. Elena was staring at us and she looked beautiful, but tough, and really fucking old. I averted my gaze one second later.

"I don't have proof," Mia said, "but I'm fairly certain Annie and her had some kind of inappropriate relationship. I mean, what fifteen-year-old would want to hang out with that old broad, it makes no sense. But then again, fifteen-year-old Annie was no catch either. She was terribly angry and against everyone..."

"And now, let me introduce you to our first ever guy, Christian Grey." Finally, I stepped away from Mia. "Christian is-"

"Five million dollars," Anastasia said and the whole room fell silent.

"F-five million," the MC faltered before regaining his composure, "any other bids?"

No one dared bid against Anastasia, though who in their right mind would pay more than five million for me?

"Okay, sold for five million to Miss Anastasia Steele. Such a generous contribution."


	29. Elena Lincoln

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 9**

" _Okay, sold for five million to Miss Anastasia Steele. Such a generous contribution."_

Shit, did she really just do that? Five million just to dance with me, shit.

Anastasia strode over to me with a satisfied smirk on her face.

"Congratulations," I said.

"Thank you, Mr. Grey."

"So… Five million," I said, trying to sound casual.

"Well, I would've paid more," Anastasia said, "but I think I made my point."

Yes, she did.

"Now," Anastasia's voice dropped, "what did Mia say to you?"

"Later," I promised her, not wanting to get into it all right now.

"Do you still like me?" Anastasia's voice was soft and I could see her insecurities shining through.

"Of course," I said, "even more so now."

Her gaze darkened and I looked at her curiously.

"Come with me," she commanded, grabbing my hand and leading me towards the house.

Taylor and Sawyer followed us inside. Anastasia turned to address them.

"Sawyer, stay on Mrs. Lincoln please. Taylor, follow us."

Sawyer left and we continued further into the house. We walked up one flight of stairs.

"Taylor," Anastasia said, "stay here, nobody gets past you, do you understand?"

"Yes, Miss Steele."

"Come on, Christian."

Anastasia led me to a door down the end of the long hallway. When we entered, I quickly deduced that this was Anastasia's childhood bedroom. I wanted to look around and get a glimpse of that side of her, but Anastasia's lips were on mine the moment the door closed. She hardly ever took the initiative to kiss me, so I relished in it, taking all that she was giving me.

"I want you," Anastasia groaned as she pulled away, "all of you."

Shit, no, this was too soon. Anastasia's lips were back on mine and all thoughts left me as she led me to the bed. She pushed me down and climbed on top of me, lips never leaving mine. She lined our hips up and started grinding. Shit, no. I had to stop this. I tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let me. I wasn't going to make the same mistake as last time, I wasn't going to push her too fast.

"Red," I managed to say between kisses, knowing she would respect it and she did.

Anastasia slid off me with a groan and she looked hurt. I sat beside her on the bed and slowly undid her mask, wanting to see her face. Her eyes were furious and full of lust. I took Anastasia's hand and rested it on my dick, wanting her to know that this had nothing to do with my desire for her. She seemed to understand and her anger changed to sadness.

"We're moving too fast," I said.

Anastasia didn't say anything. I sighed.

"Ana, baby," I said, touching her cheek lightly, "the last time we had sex, you said it hurt physically. I don't want to hurt you, baby, and not here, not at your parents' house with a party going downstairs."

"Will you have sex with me tonight?" she asked. "Back at Escala?"

"Tell me why."

"I want this," she said, eyes never leaving mine, "the other two times, I did it for you. I didn't want it, but now I do."

"Why?" I pressed.

Anastasia stood up and started pacing. "I… You…" She took a deep breath and stopped pacing, her eyes drilling into mine. "I realized something tonight," she said, "being here, surrounded by my family, people of business, Elena… This was my old life, Christian. I don't want this, not anymore. I just want you. You, my beautiful silly boy with his smart mouth." She smiled softly at me. "I could see all the girl's looking at you, but you didn't even notice them, you only had eyes for me. I've never felt that before. You love me, I don't think I believed it before tonight. How could anyone love me? And I love you too, you're the only person in this fucked up world that I've ever felt this way toward.

"Even that, the swearing," she said, "I learned that here. Grace and Carrick always told us not to swear. I see the merits behind it, but I'm sick of blindly following their rules, everyone's rules. I don't want you to hold back with me anymore, Christian, whatever you want to do, you do it, swearing included. I want you, all of you. I want to share my whole life with you."

I was in a state of shock and I spoke before my brain had processed everything.

"It sounds like you're proposing to me," I said.

Anastasia's gaze darkened.

"And if I am?" she asked, her voice shaking.

"Well, first I'd say that it's far too soon," I answered honestly and her face fell, "but I would agree."

"You would?"

"Of course, Ana. You make me so happy and I'm not going to let that go again. This isn't a yes to a marriage proposal," I told her, "but know that I do want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Oh, Christian," she hugged me tightly, "I'm so glad Miss Kavanagh didn't interview me."

I laughed, that's what it always came back to. Sick Kate pushing me to do something I didn't want to.

"Me too," I said. "Now, let's go back downstairs. I owe you a very expensive dance… I do hope you get your money's worth."

Anastasia stood up. "I already have, baby. Maybe we can skip the rest of the evening and head back to Escala."

"Hmm, tempting," I said, "but I really want to dance with you, plus I heard Elliot talking about fireworks, I love fireworks."

Anastasia went put her mask back on, but I stopped her.

"Don't," I said, "I miss seeing your face. You don't have to hide, not anymore. It's just you and me, baby, no one else matters."

Anastasia nodded, throwing the mask on the bed.

Taylor was still standing guard at the top of the stairs.

"The wait will be worth it," I whispered to Anastasia when I felt that she was still tense.

"Thank you for saying red," she whispered back, "you're right, I'd rather do it at home than here."

"Yes," I smiled, "our home."

Taylor let us pass and he followed us down the stairs.

We made it to the dancefloor just in time for the first dance. I placed my arms around Anastasia and started leading her. We only had eyes for each other.

"I think it's a good idea," I said, "distancing yourself from this world."

"Thank you, Christian."

The dance was nice, but definitely not worth five million dollars.

"May I cut in?" a female asked, I didn't need to look at her to know it was Elena.

Anastasia stiffened in my arms and I smiled at her, laughing lightly. Anastasia relaxed slowly and neither of us looked at Elena. When Anastasia relaxed fully, I knew that Elena had left us.

"See," I said, "they can't touch us if we don't let them."

"Yeah," Anastasia said, "but it was hard. I'm used to doing what she says, getting punished if I disobey, but you're right. It's just going to take some getting used to."

"We'll get there," I promised her.

"Anastasia," Carrick said, "may I have a dance?"

Anastasia looked to me, but I gave nothing away. This was her decision to make.

"Okay, Dad."

I stepped away and Carrick took my place. I watched them from the edge of the dancefloor for a moment. Anastasia seemed to be enjoying herself and it was good to see. She put way too much pressure on herself with trying to please everyone. I was glad she was finally putting herself first. I looked behind them and Elena was watching Anastasia and Carrick too, and then her eyes met mine. Shit.

Elena motioned me over with her head, but I stood my ground. I really didn't want to meet her, but then again, she was the one poisoning Anastasia and maybe I could stop that, or at least see where her head was at. I looked behind me and both Taylor and Sawyer were keeping watch. I grabbed Sawyer's attention and made sure he followed me around to the other side of the dancefloor. When I got closer, Elena walked away from everyone. I followed her.

"Keep your distance," I warned Sawyer before I approached Elena alone.

I stopped in front of her and crossed my arms against my chest. My plan was to say nothing, Anastasia was right, my mouth got me into way more trouble than it was worth.

"Christian," she said and I really wanted to tell her to call me Chris, but it wasn't worth it. "I'll be brief," she continued when I said nothing, "I'm not sure what you know or what you think you know, but I can assure you that all the negative things you've heard about me aren't true."

Fuck.

"I've only ever had Anastasia's best interests at heart," she said. "You didn't know her back then, you didn't see how destructive she was. I helped her, I gave her a chance. I showed her a way of life that helped her succeed and thrive. Do you know where she'd be without it? She'd probably be in jail or dead. I saved her Christian."

Fuck, I was struggling to hold my tongue. I didn't disagree with Elena, she did save Anastasia, but not only was it not her place, but how she saved Anastasia was deplorable and to keep it up after all these years was so damaging that it made me so mad. If only I'd met Anastasia as a teen, maybe I could've stopped it all from happening, maybe I could've been the one to save her.

"We don't have long," Elena said, looking over my shoulder.

I looked too. Taylor was now standing next to Sawyer. Shit, where was Anastasia? I didn't want her to get wrapped up in this, I needed to leave.

"Anastasia's told me a lot about you and her," Elena continued. "She's convinced that you make her happy, that you love each other. …Someone needs to tell you this, Christian, because Anastasia won't, but she's not capable of love especially with a man. Even her happiness is misplaced. And if you love her, what do you really love? You love this version of her, not her true self, the side she's only shown to me. Christian, get out now. Anastasia can't be what you need her to be. Let her go."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer.

"You're lucky," I said and Elena looked at me surprised. "You're lucky Ana was over the age of fourteen, you're lucky that the abuse wasn't reported, you're lucky ten years have passed since the first act. You're lucky, that's all, but I'm part of Ana's security team now and I have access to everything. If you so much as speak to Ana again or come near us, I will bring you down."

"Christian, you have everything wrong."

"Goodbye, Elena." I turned and walked back over to Taylor and Sawyer. Halfway there, Anastasia arrived and she looked fearful. I brought her into my arms.

"Everything okay?" she asked me.

"Of course," I said, "it's literally my job to protect you. Let's go home."

"I thought you wanted to see the fireworks." Anastasia pulled back.

"There'll be more next year," I told her.

We didn't bother saying goodbye to anyone, we just headed straight for the car. When we got there, Taylor was holding an envelope.

"Excuse me," he said, "but Mrs. Lincoln gave this to Ryan."

Anastasia met my eyes.

"Destroy it," I told him.

"Very well, Chris."

We slid into the back of the car and I pulled Anastasia close to me, enjoying being alone.

"So," Anastasia started carefully, "are you going to tell me what Mia and Elena said to you?"

"Sure," I said, "Elena was just harping on about everything she's already said to you. I held my tongue the best I could, but in the end, I had to put her in her place. I didn't say anything about us, I just told her that if she didn't leave us alone that I would bring her down."

"And Mia?"

"She knows that you like to tie people up and whip them," I said and Anastasia gasped. "She walked in on you doing it, or something, I don't know. I think she was just trying to get a rise out of me. Spewing out all this info about you, but all it did was make me hate her and cherish you more. I'm so sick of people bringing you down, baby. You don't deserve them, you deserve to have people in your life that make you happy. Please don't worry about either of them, as I said, they can't touch us unless we let them."

The silence enveloped us and we spent the long drive back to Escala in silence.

Taylor dropped us off out front and Sawyer walked us in. Anastasia kept me close and I smiled. We had made it through the evening with no bloodshed. It was good.

The elevator ride was long and I couldn't wait until we got back to the apartment. I didn't want to rush things, and a lot had happened since earlier, but I hoped Anastasia was still up for a little fun even if that didn't include sex.

The elevator doors opened and I breathed a sigh of relief. We stepped into the foyer, but stopped when Sawyer held up his hand. I looked around Sawyer and saw that the vase on the foyer table had been smashed. Shit.

"What are you thinking?" I asked Sawyer.

"Vases don't break on their own, Chris."

"Someone's been in here," Anastasia said, "who? Sawyer, the bunker."

"Yes, Miss Steele." Sawyer went over to a hidden door. It read his palmprint and let us in.

We entered the bunker and I could tell it was reinforced like a panic room. We'd be safe in here. Sawyer kept walking and we entered what I assumed was Taylor's office. It had a smaller wall of screens just like the basement at Steele International. Anastasia pulled me over to the screens.

"Bring up the foyer feed," Anastasia said and Sawyer did as he was told. "Get Taylor to sweep the apartment. Now, rewind it and stop when you see them."

Sawyer did as instructed and stopped the footage when we saw someone in the foyer. Shit, someone had broken in. The only person I could think of was Jacklyn Hyde, but this person held themselves completely different. Sawyer let the feed play and whoever it was backed up and accidentally knocked the vase over. When they turned, I sucked in a breath.

"That's Elizabeth Morgan," I said. Why was she here? What was her game? Was Jacklyn involved? We needed answers.

"Sawyer, please let Taylor know what's going on and help him do a sweep. I want every room checked. She was here for a reason, everyone knows I go to that fundraiser every year, so find the reason."

"Yes, Miss Steele."

Sawyer left, but Anastasia hadn't finished barking out orders.

"Christian, sit down and trace her movements. I don't have camera's everywhere, but we need to see what she was up to."

I sat down at the desk and familiarized myself with the program before getting started.

"Start with the service elevator," Anastasia said.

I did as instructed and pulled up the feed, rewinding it until I saw Elizabeth exiting the elevator. I wrote down the time for future reference and then we traced her all over Anastasia's apartment. We followed Elizabeth throughout the whole apartment, she didn't touch anything, but she entered every room, except for the playroom.

Right before she got to the foyer, something made her turn around and that's when she backed into the table knocking over the vase. It made no sense. Once she knocked the vase over, she had run and exited the apartment by the service elevator.

"Bring up camera four and play it side-by-side with the foyer footage," Anastasia said.

I did and we watched as Elizabeth spun around fast, but there was nothing there that we could see. Taylor and Sawyer came into the room.

"The apartment is clear," Taylor said, "what have you found?"

"Elizabeth Morgan entered every room, touching nothing," I said, "I think she was scoping the place out for Jacklyn Hyde."

Anastasia left the bunker and I jumped up to follow her. She stood in the entryway to the great room, looking for whatever spooked Elizabeth, but there was nothing there.

"She must've seen something," Anastasia said, recreating Elizabeth's steps.

I stood back and watched her. Had Jacklyn sent Elizabeth here? Why? Was this recon so that when Jacklyn came she would know the layout? Something else? I hated not knowing.

Taylor joined us.

"Elizabeth Morgan's gone, she left via the parking garage," Taylor said. "I will change all the codes and get our team to stand guard at both elevators and also the lobby and parking garage entrances, so that we can ensure your safety tonight, Miss Steele. In the morning, I will make sure all of the security is upgraded. We won't let this happen again."

"Thank you, Taylor. Please call Gail and bring her up to speed. I don't want her back until everything's done, book her a room at a hotel."

"Yes, ma'am."

Taylor left and I turned to Anastasia. "I'm sorry about this," I said.

"Don't," she said, "I put you through so much tonight, so don't worry about this."

"I just… I only worked for Jacklyn for a week, I don't know why she's doing this. I don't want her in our apartment or around us. I just wish I knew why."

"Christian, please forget it," Anastasia sunk into my arms, "there's nothing more we can do tonight, but we will figure it out in the morning."

Anastasia was right.

"Come to bed," she said, grabbing my hand, "I want you to hold me."


	30. College Stalker

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 10**

Sunday was spent relaxing at the apartment. Taylor didn't want us to leave as it would be harder to keep an eye on us, but I didn't mind. Anastasia's apartment was the only place I wanted to be anyway.

Anastasia seemed preoccupied, burying herself in work. Sex was far from her mind, but I didn't blame her. I knew she hated being threatened and not knowing how to fix it. I tried to calm her the best I could, but in the end, it was a good that we were back at work today.

"I don't know why you're not laughing," I said, "it was funny."

All of the guys were looking at me, except for Barney, who was busy working.

"I just doubt it was true," Sawyer said, "I mean, look at you. Have you even been to the gym before?"

"That's your hang up here?" I asked. "Not the fact that a woman approached me at the gym?"

"Well, that's highly unlikely too," Ryan said, "but you managed to snag Miss Steele somehow, so it's possible."

"Can we get back to work?" Taylor asked from his desk.

"Technically I'm on my break," I said.

"Sawyer and Ryan aren't," Taylor said.

"The story is almost finished," I said.

"There's more?" Ryan asked, leaning forward in anticipation.

"Yeah, so she handed me her towel and asked if I wanted to wipe her sweat down for her. Me, being a teenage boy, was sure this was headed somewhere fun, so of course I agreed. I spent a whole hour following her around like a puppy dog, cleaning all the equipment when she was done. Then, she went to get her stuff and half an hour passed, then another half hour. She left. She used me and left. Man, was that a painful lesson to learn."

Ryan laughed.

"I still think you and your stories are full of shit," Sawyer said, "but they're definitely entertaining. Have you ever thought about writing them down, maybe making a book out of them? You were working in publishing before here, there must be a reason for that."

Thankfully I didn't have to answer as someone came into the room. It was Anastasia and everyone quickly sat up straighter and got back to work. I was still sitting there lazily with my feet on my desk, but I sat up too when I saw the look on her face. This was angry Anastasia and I wasn't going to upset her any further.

I remembered the guys telling me that she never came down here, not even once, so it made sense as to why they were all on edge.

"Barney," she barked, "fill me in on Jacklyn Hyde, all of it."

"Yes, ma'am," Barney stood up, "at first, I got Chris to look into it, but when he couldn't find anything, I quickly took over. It only took me a few minutes to realize that Jacklyn Hyde is an alias and she's only been using it since moving to Seattle four years ago. I'm trying to trace her time before she moved here, but it's proving to be difficult."

"So, we have no idea who she is or what she wants?" Anastasia asked.

"No, ma'am."

"Is everyone working on this? Welch?"

"Yes."

"Good," Anastasia said, "I want this to be top priority. If she's taken a new identity then there must be a reason and we need to figure that out first. What are you doing in the meantime?"

"I've got Prescott infiltrating SIP, ma'am," Barney said. "She's Jacklyn's new assistant. She only started today, but she's going to keep her ears and eyes open and report back to me twice a day with anything necessary. We also have briefing's set up every two days to make sure we stay on top of everything. I gave her a fake cover and identity and have instructed her to come nowhere near Steele International or any of us while she's undercover."

"Good, good," Anastasia said, "keep up the good work. Mr. Grey, my office, five minutes."

Anastasia left and everyone relaxed. Sawyer looked at me, smirking.

"What?" I asked him, making sure to log off my laptop.

"You're in trouble," he said.

"What makes you think that?" I saved a couple of documents first, not wanting to lose them.

"You saw her, she's mad. Something else must be going on for her to come all the way down here."

I shrugged. "I'm not worried," I said.

"How?" Ryan asked. "Miss Steele is intense. I don't think I'd ever be able to be with her, let alone work for her at the same time. How do you do it, Chris?"

"I thought we decided that this topic of conversation was off limits in the basement," Barney said, I ignored him.

"It's simple," I stood up, "no one knows her like I do." I smiled knowing that they'd probably never get to see the side of Anastasia that she showed me daily.

"Either way," Taylor said, "you better hurry, Chris, you don't want to be late."

Right. I left the basement and headed for the elevator. I had no idea why Anastasia wanted to see me, but I really wasn't worried. I arrived on the twentieth floor and was surprised to see no blondes at the reception desk. I dismissed it and headed straight for Anastasia's office. Her door was closed, so I knocked. I didn't enter today, I waited for her.

"Come in," she said.

I kept my work face on as I entered as I didn't know what I was walking in on. Anastasia was alone, sitting behind her impressive desk.

"Lock the door," she commanded.

Fuck, yes. I knew Anastasia wouldn't have sex at work, but she seemed to be in the mood for some fun. Either that or she was about to chew me out. I locked the door and she pointed to the chair in front of her desk. I sat down and wiped my sweaty palms on my slacks. Anastasia laughed lightly.

"Steady, Christian," she said and it had me groaning. "You've always been too easy to read," she smiled at me, "but that's not a bad thing. …You know that I have a visual on the basement, don't you?"

Of course. I nodded my head.

"And audio too," she said.

Audio? What was she getting at?

"Sawyer's right, you do have a way with telling stories." Shit. "So, tell me, was that last story true. Did you really think seventeen-year-old Christian would get to have sex with that gym floozy?"

Fuck, what game was Anastasia playing? I decided to stay honest.

"Well, I embellished a little," I said, pushing my glasses up higher on my nose.

"How much?" She cocked her eyebrow. "Why don't you tell me the real story, Christian?"

"Umm." Shit. "Well, I, umm." Her gaze hardened, fuck. "I worked there," I said in a rush, "so it was technically my job to keep the machines clean. I only did it for this one particular lady because she was fucking hot."

Anastasia was keeping a tight lock on her emotions.

"You didn't answer my question," she said, "did you expect to have sex with her?"

"Well, no, but I hoped."

Anastasia hummed. "And what did she look like?"

"I don't know," I said, "nice tits, a great ass."

Anastasia laughed and it caught me off guard. What was so funny about that?

"Okay, Christian," she accepted.

"Umm, what did I just miss?" I asked, hoping she would explain.

"It was nothing more than lust," she said, "a crush. You only noticed and remembered her assets"

Of course. I wasn't in love with her, nor did I want her as my girlfriend.

"Is that why you called me up here?" I asked, hope dwindling that we were going to have some fun.

"Do you mind working late tonight?" she asked, all business.

"I guess not. Why?"

"I've got my trip to WSU this afternoon."

Oh, right. Anastasia was taking Ros on some business trip in Charlie Tango.

"And Taylor has a prior commitment," she said, "so I want you and whoever you can convince, to stay a couple of hours extra to work on the Hyde situation. We really need to figure this out, Christian. I won't be more than two hours late, then we can go home together."

"Sounds good," I said, "though I am upset that I don't get to ride in Charlie Tango with you."

"If there wasn't so much unknown," Anastasia said, "I'd take you with us, but I think you'll be more useful here. You're smart, Christian, I know you can figure this out. Use Barney, he's a good guy, work together."

"I will," I stood up, "enjoy your trip."

"What?" Anastasia asked. "No goodbye kiss?"

"Well, if you insist," I said, "but you're going to have to come and get it."

Anastasia smiled and got up from her desk, all long legs and fuck-me heels. Fuck she was beautiful.

"The things you make me do," she said, grabbing my tie and pulling my lips towards hers.

I loved that she was no longer scared to kiss me, we'd come such a long way. I kissed her back with just as much passion, wanting her to know that I wanted this, that we were ready for our next step. Anastasia pulled back with a groan, her eyes were darkened with lust.

"Steady," she told me and I shook my head.

I wouldn't be able to stay steady forever, but I knew the wait would be worth it.

"Have fun in Vancouver," I said before leaving.

"So, what did she want?" Sawyer asked as soon as I sat down at my desk.

"She wants me to work late," I said, logging back in.

"And why did she ask you that privately?" Ryan asked. "Did she persuade you with her body?"

"That's enough," Barney snapped, "the next person to disrespect Miss Steele by talking about her relationship with Chris will be fired."

"You don't have that kind of power," Sawyer said.

"Don't test me," Barney said, "and Chris, get the fuck over here and bring your laptop."

Sawyer and Ryan shared a look with me, fuck he was pissed.

I unplugged my laptop and sat at the desk next to his, I missed my window view immediately. Thankfully, Barney was finally ready to let me help him with Jacklyn, I bet Anastasia had emailed him. Either way, I was willing to do whatever he asked. We needed to figure this out.

An hour later, Taylor stood up. "I need to go," he said. "Please don't call me unless someone is dead."

I looked at him curiously.

"I'm serious, Chris, dead."

"Okay, got it," I said. Where the hell was he going? Anastasia had said he had a prior commitment and I got that, but Taylor was basically married to this job. It must be important if we couldn't even call him.

Sawyer and Ryan went to lunch, but I stayed with Barney.

"What's that?" I asked after a while, pointing to one of the screens on the wall.

"Miss Steele," Barney said, "whenever she's flying, whether by helicopter or jet, we track her so we can make sure she's safe and that stays on schedule."

That was so cool. I watched the screen for a while and saw her land in Vancouver before I got back to work.

"Take a look at this," Barney said, sending me an image, "you know Jacklyn the best, is this her?"

I looked at the photo, it was grainy and the woman looked younger than Jacklyn did now. I squinted and tilted my head, it could be her, but I wasn't sure.

"Maybe," I said.

"We don't need maybes, Chris," Barney said, "take the time and make a definitive answer. This is the difference between wasting hours following up a false lead or finding gold."

I looked back at the image, just staring at it for five minutes, but it didn't help. I closed my eyes and ran through all the times we'd met, once done, I opened my eyes and it hit me. Her mouth, there was something about the way it hooked up slightly, this was her.

"It's her," I said confidently.

Barney's face sunk.

"What?" I asked. "What did you find?"

"She's not after you, Chris," he said, "she's after Miss Steele."

"How do you know that?"

"I haven't traced it all the way back, but this image was captured in Boston. Miss Steele sent it to me years ago saying that someone was stalking her on campus. I forgot about it, but we're scraping the bottom of the barrel now. I had to go back into her past, it's all we had."

"What does this mean?" I asked.

"I don't know, but we can rule you out and focus on Miss Steele, this has something to do with her past, we just need to figure out what it is."

I couldn't believe it wasn't about me. Is that why Jacklyn hired me? She knew I was dating Anastasia and she wanted someone who was close to her? But then Anastasia and I broke up and Jacklyn was still pressuring me to work for her… She may be after Anastasia, but I felt like it wasn't that clear cut. She wanted something from me too, she must.

Barney transferred me some more files and I got back to work.

Sawyer and Ryan came in a while later.

"I was under the impression that we only got an hour for lunch," Barney told them, "not two."

"You're not our boss," Sawyer said, "Taylor is, and how do you know that we weren't working?"

Barney ignored them and so did I.

An hour or so later, there was a beeping noise. I looked up at the screen with Charlie Tango on it. It was flashing red and then it went completely black.

"What was that?" I asked.

Barney's face was grave. "Charlie Tango has gone offline."

"Offline? What exactly does that mean?" I asked, trying not to freak out.

"Miss Steele has either crashed or is just about to."

Shit, fuck no. I could feel my world spiraling down around me. Charlie Tango had gone dark, Anastasia was going to crash, she wouldn't survive this. Fuck, what was I going to do?


	31. Finding Anastasia

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 11**

 _Barney's face was grave. "Charlie Tango has gone offline."_

" _Offline? What exactly does that mean?" I asked, trying not to freak out._

" _Miss Steele has either crashed or is just about to."_

 _Shit, fuck no. I could feel my world spiraling down around me. Charlie Tango had gone dark, Anastasia was going to crash, she wouldn't survive this. Fuck, what was I going to do?_

I needed to stay calm and take charge. Anastasia needed me.

"Okay," I said, standing up, "this is what we're going to do. Barney, track Taylor and see where he is. I don't want to disturb him until we know what's going on."

"But, Chris," Barney said.

I ignored him.

"Ryan, I want you to contact Prescott at SIP, don't let anything slip, but check and see if Jacklyn's there or not. If she's not, get Prescott to meet you somewhere and get all the information we need."

"On it," Ryan said.

"Sawyer, we can't let this get out. I'm talking about the press, I'm talking about Ana's family. Call around, see who already knows and who will know, I'm talking Sea-Tac and the other airports. Keep a lid on this."

"Yes, Chris."

"Taylor's at Miss Austen's School of Dance," Barney said.

School of dance? His daughter, she must be having a recital or something.

"We're not going to call him," I said, "not until we have concrete facts. I will message him to get in contact the moment he can. Barney, is there any way to see where she went down, a flight log, anything?"

"I'm not sure, let me check."

As Barney did his task, I sent Taylor a message.

 **Chris Grey:** No need to worry, but contact me as soon as you're free

I didn't want to bother him and I didn't want him missing his daughter's recital over this. Those things only went for a few hours, I had a feeling he'd be back before we found Anastasia… Before we found her… I needed to stay focused.

"Umm," Barney said, "that's a no-go. Charlie Tango is completely offline, it took the GPS down with it, there's no way to know where she was when it happened."

That wasn't good enough. It was on the screen, I was looking at it, and then it went dark. If only I was paying attention to the right thing.

"Jacklyn Hyde hasn't been into work all day," Ryan stood up, "I'm meeting Prescott now and I will check in as soon as I can."

"Half an hour," I told him, "no more, and ask her about Elizabeth Morgan too."

Ryan nodded his head and left.

"Sea-Tac knows," Sawyer said, "as does PDX. They're staying silent until they hear from us, though they said if there's no word for more than an hour they're legally obligated to contact the authorities."

"Good, keep on the phone with them. We will update them when we have anything and I'm sure they'll keep us in the loop too. Barney, what about the security camera feed?" I asked. "Can we bring up the footage and zoom in on the screen or something and see what the last images were?"

"That might work," he said, "give me a second."

"PDX is saying that Miss Steele diverted from her flight plan," Sawyer informed me, "they're getting more details now… Emailing them through to you, Chris."

I sat back at my computer and logged on. It was a transcription.

 _ **PDX:**_ _Charlie Tango this is PDX tower, please confirm your location, over_

 _ **Charlie Tango:**_ _PDX this is Charlie Tango, we're just making a quick detour around Mount St. Helens, over_

 _ **PDX:**_ _Very well, that area is completely clear, please inform us when you leave MSH airspace, over_

 _ **Charlie Tango:**_ _Roger, PDX, over and out_

"She was taking a detour around Mount St. Helens," I told everybody, standing up again. "Barney, where are you at?"

"It looks like she went down somewhere around there, but it's hard to tell from our map. We don't have any specifics."

How big of an area was that? I got on my laptop and searched it. Shit, the area was too big. We didn't know the location, the direction, the speed, the conditions, we knew nothing.

"We know it was around St. Helens," I said, "that's going to have to do. Sawyer, coordinate a search with PDX and Sea-Tac. I want Charlie Tango found."

"On it," Sawyer said.

"Barney, do we have anyone we can use? Another pilot perhaps, or should we be leaving this for the authorities?"

"I think we should wait," he said, "we don't want another accident to happen."

Right, too many aircrafts in the air would be a bad thing.

"Someone check where Ryan's at with Prescott."

I sat down, grasping my handcuff bracelet. Where was Anastasia? She had gone down. Helicopter crashes were nasty. I knew she was an experienced flyer, but the odds were against her, especially in the mountainous terrain.

"Who was she with?" I asked. "Do we have confirmation on that?"

"Flight log says one other," Sawyer said, "it has to be Ros."

Right.

I checked my phone, Taylor hadn't replied yet, but I didn't expect him to. This was serious, I knew I should call him, but I really didn't want to disturb him and what more could he do that we weren't?

It took me too long to realize that I hadn't tried to call Anastasia yet. I dialed her number, but it didn't even go through.

"Ana's phone isn't working," I said.

"Hang on." Barney tapped away on his computer. "It's dead," he clarified, "completely, it was most likely destroyed in the crash."

That wasn't good.

"Check Ros'," I said.

Barney did, it was dead too. No.

"Can you repeat that?" Sawyer said and I moved closer to him. "Yep… Is that confirmed? …Okay, keep us posted."

"What?" I asked.

"A couple of hikers say they saw it go down. They weren't close to it, so they don't have an exact location, but a small fire has started. We have a place to look, but the fire isn't necessarily the scene of the accident, it could be fuel igniting or debris, we don't know. Authorities are on route, Chris."

A fire wasn't good, but at least it narrowed our search area.

Ryan came in with Prescott and I wasn't happy. She wasn't supposed to be here, we couldn't have her connected to Steele International when she was infiltrating SIP. I flew into a rage, but Ryan stopped me.

"Settle down," he said, "Jacklyn Hyde no longer works at SIP, so there's no reason for Prescott to be there anymore."

Was he serious?

"What about Elizabeth Morgan?" I said. "Don't you think we need to keep an eye on her?"

"Umm," Prescott said, "Elizabeth hasn't been in all week. Jacklyn told us that she was sick and we believed it, but now I'm not sure. Either way, I've done all I can there."

Right, okay, fine. I sat back down, fiddling with my handcuff bracelet. I'd just gotten Anastasia back, we had barely reconnected and then Jacklyn had pulled this shit. Why?

"Where are we at on a motive?" I asked.

"What are you talking about?" Barney said.

"Jacklyn," I said.

"I hardly think this is the time," he told me.

"Ana's a control freak," I said and no one corrected me, "there's no way this accident was an accident. Not with Jacklyn Hyde out there. This was sabotage."

"We don't know that, Chris," Barney said, "don't jump to conclusions."

Whatever. It had to be her, but why? Barney had said that Jacklyn, or whoever the fuck she really was, stalked Anastasia when she was at college. When had this obsession started and for how long? And why now? It had to be something to do with me. I was Anastasia's first boyfriend, first male everything. Jacklyn had circled my head in that photo of Anastasia and me. It had to do with me, but what? Why?

"What do we know about Ana's past?" I asked Barney. "Before she was rescued by you?"

"Chris, now is not the time for this."

"Just let me fucking do this," I said.

"Fine," Barney gritted out, shooting me through a file.

I poured over it as the authorities continued their search for Anastasia. I didn't want to think about the accident too much. There was so much information on Anastasia's past, she had gone through so much. There were crimes scene photos of where she lived. It was dark and dank and devoid of anything warm. Pictures of Anastasia. She was small, slim and soulless. She had been through so much. I was just about to click on the next file when my phone rang. It was Taylor.

"Chris," he said, "I told you not to call me."

"Charlie Tango's gone down," I said, "Anastasia is still missing."

Taylor didn't even say anything, he just hung up. Fifteen minutes later he was here with his daughter Sophie. He set her up on his computer and then he took charge. He was pleased with what we had done and what we were doing. I was glad he took over, it meant I could relax. I turned back to the files, trying to figure this puzzle out.

I was learning so much. I was understanding why Anastasia was the way she was, what things she'd undoubtedly picked up during her abuse, her aversion to touch for starters. It made everything else clear too. What the Steele's had influenced on her, Elena too. They all played a part, my poor girl never had a chance.

I'm sure the Steele's weren't evil and they'd essentially saved Anastasia from a harder life, but their way of living, how they let Mia and Anastasia fight… Well, it could've been better. I remembered Mia saying that Anastasia didn't talk for years, I bet they weren't equipped to deal with her trauma. Anastasia was finally growing and changing and now she was missing. Why?

"The Steeles know," Sawyer said, "they won't stop calling. Andrea's trying to field their calls, but if we don't talk to them, they'll do something drastic."

Right.

"Tell Andrea to transfer it to me the next time they call," I said and Prescott took that task on.

Five minutes later my phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

"Is that you Chris?" Grace asked.

"Yeah, Grace, how are you?" I wasn't going to say anything until she revealed her hand.

"Do you know where Anastasia is? This is important."

That didn't seem right.

"She's busy at the moment," I said, trying to keep my emotions and mind in check. "Can I help you at all?"

"It's Elliot," Grace said and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hang on." I put her on hold and informed everyone that the Steeles didn't know of Anastasia's disappearance yet. It was one thing we really didn't need to deal with on top of everything else. "Okay," I told Grace, "what about him?"

"I'm not sure," she said, "something happened and he's not talking. He's shut down. We only got one word out of him, Anastasia. Can you please let her know? He… Something happened, Chris, something bad."

Had Elena gotten to him? She better fucking not have.

"Umm," I said, "Ana's out of town at the moment... She should be back soon, but…" I trailed off. "Can this hold off until tomorrow, or…"

"I… I don't know," Grace's voice cracked. "He… He's not himself. He smashed his model house that you graciously helped him build and he doesn't want to go to State anymore. He worked so hard for this and now, nothing. Cary keeps saying that he's just being a teenager, but it's more than that. He wants Anastasia, can't you get her to come over? Please, Chris."

I couldn't handle this. I had to tell Grace. I knew she would worry, but that couldn't be helped. Even if we located Anastasia and she was alive, she was probably injured, she wouldn't be up to visiting her brother for a while. They needed to know.

"Umm," I said, hoping I wouldn't regret this, "Ana's helicopter went down this afternoon," I said and all eyes were on me. I closed mine so I didn't have to see their reactions.

"What do you mean?" Grace's voice was high-pitched and then she wailed. "Where is my baby girl, Chris?"

"We're doing all we can to find her," I said, trying to reassure her. "But that's why she can't see Elliot right now."

"I understand," Grace said. "Can we come? Where are you?"

"I'm still at Steele International," I said. "How about you wait at Ana's? I'll get Gail to let you in."

"Yes, thank you, Chris," Grace said, "I'll gather everyone up."

Not Mia too… I decided to leave it be.

I got Taylor to message Gail and then I sent a message to my dad.

 **Chris:** Ana's missing, her helicopter went down. Can you come to Seattle?

 **Ray:** Of course. Where do you want me?

Ray was ex-army, so I knew he'd be able to help us, but I had a more important job for him.

 **Chris:** Head to Escala, penthouse apartment, I'll get all the info to you. Ana's family will be there, please keep them calm and reassured. I'm at Steele International, we're trying to find her

 **Ray:** I'll be there in a couple of hours. Stay strong, Chris, Anastasia wouldn't leave your dumb ass like this

Thanks dad.

"My dad's going to Escala too," I told Taylor, "won't be for a couple of hours, but let Gail know."

I trusted Ray, so I sent him the elevator codes to get into the apartment.

"You need to go too," Taylor said and I glared at him. "Chris, you're too close to this. Go home and relax."

I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to be stuck with Anastasia's family, I wanted to help, but what was I even doing now? I was just looking aimlessly at Anastasia's old files hoping to find a reason why Jacklyn had done this, if she had… I pulled off my glasses and rubbed the bridge of my nose.

"Come on," Ryan said, "I'll drive you, Chris."

I didn't want to leave.

"You did good," Barney praised me, "Anastasia would be proud. You were calm, you set us all to task, you didn't let any of us panic. We will find her. She's tough, she'll be alright. Chris, you need to leave."

I didn't want to. I felt so helpless. Fuck Jacklyn Hyde, I wanted to kill her. I wished I had gone with Anastasia today, not that it was offered. I looked at my handcuff bracelet, we were supposed to be in this together and now Anastasia was all alone. She had Ros, I reminded myself. If they were still alive. It was dark now too. They were out there, in the dark, the cold. Couldn't we go and look for them? Why were we so far away?

"Yes, I'm here," Sawyer said, sitting up straighter. "Yeah... You're sure… No, nothing… Any tracks… Hmm… Yeah, umm… Are you sure it's clear? …No other options than that? …Okay …Umm, leave it with us for a second."

Sawyer's eyes met ours.

"They found Charlie Tango," he said, "it's brunt to a crisp, visibility is low, but the cabin looks to be clear. They think Miss Steele and Mrs Bailey walked away, but there's a chance that maybe they were thrown from the aircraft. They're trying to coordinate a search, but it's dark and dense and it'll take time to get people on the ground. They're talking about waiting until morning."

That was bullshit. I stood up, but Taylor stared at me until I sat down. They had found Charlie Tango, she was burnt to a crisp… Anastasia and I had never had a chance to christen her.

"Are they still on the phone?" Taylor asked.

Sawyer nodded and Taylor took over.

He told them who he was and then he told them what they should be doing. He told them to get their best teams together and get them there, on the ground. They weren't to stop searching until Anastasia had been found.

"Someone from the initial search must've filmed the crash site and put the footage online," Barney said, bringing it up on the screen. "The news are reporting on the crash too."

Shit. I walked towards the screens on the wall and just stared in shock. The video was short, but it showed a still smoking, burnt out Charlie Tango. Seeing it was something else. It was a little banged up, but thankfully not much and it looked like it was just resting on its side. It hadn't crashed and burned, that much I was sure of, and the cabin looked empty. The door was even open. It was hard to pick up on these details, but I did.

Anastasia had to be fine, she had walked away, she had to, but what if she hadn't? Ros could've pulled a lifeless Anastasia out. They could've bailed. I hated not knowing.

"Just take him," Taylor said and before I knew it, Prescott and Ryan were leading me from the basement. I didn't even fight them, I didn't want to be here anymore.

Anastasia was smart, she would've stayed by the crash site, surely, but how long would it take for them to get to her? I wished I could go. I'd find her, I wouldn't stop until I brought her home, but I knew it was impossible. I just needed to let the authorities do their job.

Arriving at Escala was so bittersweet. It made me miss Anastasia more, but it also calmed me. This was where I needed to be. I needed to be in our home, waiting for her to come back to me. Anastasia's family was already here, but I couldn't deal with them right now.

"Excuse me," I said.

They accepted it, but Gail didn't.

"Can I get you anything, Chris?" she asked.

I shook my head no. "Just, can you make sure no one disturbs me," I said, "unless they have word on Ana."

"Of course," she said.

I headed straight for our bedroom. Everything reminded me of Anastasia. I entered my closet and opened the top drawer, grabbing the lanyard. ' _Miss Steele's boyfriend_ '. Oh, how I hoped she was okay. I couldn't lose her. We still had so much to do. I put the lanyard back and sat on the floor. I liked it in here, I liked knowing that Anastasia had bought all these clothes for me, how she had opened up her home and heart for me. Only me.

I heard a noise and I crawled over to where the suit jackets hung, hiding underneath them. I really didn't want to be disturbed. Today had been hectic, Anastasia was still missing, I was doing nothing to help. I was on her team, I should be there helping, but I wasn't. I knew I'd done my part, I knew I was split between being her security advisor and her boyfriend. I knew I was better off here. It didn't make it any easier though.

She had to be okay. I couldn't help but think of what she was going through right now. She was out in the cold and dark, shaken by the crash, maybe even injured. I had never met Ros, but Anastasia was with her. Was Ros okay, was Ros dead? I couldn't think of that. I buried my head between my drawn-up knees and tried to control my thoughts and breathing. Anastasia was tough, she'd be okay. She'd probably just walk through the door like nothing happened. It was a foolish thought.

I wasn't disturbed until Ray came. He found me buried in my cave and he smiled wryly at me.

"I thought you were done running from your problems," he said, still smiling.

I launched myself into his arms and held on tight.

"You want me to get out there?" Ray asked. "Crack some skulls?"

"They're doing fine," I said. "Is there any news?" I asked.

"Not that I know of," Ray said, "the news is having a field day though, they keep saying she's dead, but we know Anastasia better than that, right, Chris?"

"What if she is?" I asked, pulling back. "I love her, dad, she loves me, we haven't had much time together."

"You don't get where she's gotten in life without being tough as nails," Ray said. "How about you come out and join Anastasia's family. They're scared too, you know, and the authorities must be reaching the crash site soon."

I didn't want to, but Ray coaxed me out. Entering the main room was hell. Anastasia's family was sitting on the couch, holding onto each other. Gail was in the kitchen and she rushed over to me.

"Can I get you anything, Chris?" she asked.

I didn't want anything, but Ray spoke for me.

"Get him something to eat and drink," Ray said, "he's not fussy."

Gail nodded and got to work. I could tell she was glad to finally be doing something rather than nothing. I never should've left the basement, I should've stayed and helped them. Ray led me over to the others and I smiled sadly at them.

"Good to see you again," I said softly. "I'm sorry it's under such dire circumstances."

Grace and Carrick nodded their heads, arms wrapped around each other. Elliot was just down from them and he looked different. I knew a lot of that was due to Anastasia's disappearance, but I could also see it was more. Elena better not have fucking touched him. I looked around for Mia, but I couldn't find her. I breathed a sigh of relief, I didn't want her here.

"Where's Mia?" I just had to ask.

"Overseas," Carrick answered.

Good. I doubted Anastasia wanted her here either. My phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket, it was Taylor.

"Taylor," I said, "what's going on?"

"Hey, Chris, I just wanted to update you. We've reached the crash site, they're definitely not in Charlie Tango, we're beginning our search of the surrounding area now. Don't lose hope and please let everyone know."

Well, that wasn't terrible news, but it wasn't the best either. Everyone was looking at me.

"They didn't die in the crash," I said and their faces fell, oh, I probably didn't word that well, "they're searching the area for them."

This was good news. The crash didn't kill them, nor did the fire, they had gotten out. I tried to calm my nerves. It had been hours, if they had been walking all this time, they could be anywhere. Anastasia wasn't stupid though, she would've stayed close by. Maybe Ros had taken Anastasia's lifeless body and panicked. They could be anywhere. I tried to stop thinking, but it was impossible.

Half an hour later my phone vibrated with a text from Taylor.

 **Jason:** We found them

That was it? Why hadn't he called me? Where were the details? How could he make me worry further? I sent him a message.

 **Chris:** Are they alive?

I waited anxiously for his answer, I didn't know what I would do if Anastasia wasn't. My phone vibrated again.

 **Jason:** Yes. We're evacuating them by helicopter now

That didn't sound good. I called him, I couldn't stand it. He answered, thankfully.

"Just tell me," I said, "the truth, Jason."

"Chris, I think it's best if you meet us at the University of Washington Medical Centre," Taylor's voice was grave, "come alone."

"She's dead, isn't she?" I said and everyone overheard me, I didn't care.

"No, Chris."

"Then why do I need to come alone?" I asked.

"I know Miss Steele and…" Taylor trailed off. "Just come alone, Chris, she's alive, she's not in danger of dying, just come alone."

He hung up and I stared at my phone in shock.

"What?" Ray asked me.

"They found her," I said, "she's alive. Taylor… Umm… He wants me to come to the hospital alone." I looked at Anastasia's family. "I'm not sure why, he just… That's what he said."

"I'll stay here with them," Ray said, "just give us word as soon as you see that she's alright."

I nodded my head. I wasn't sure what was going on, but Anastasia was alive.

Sawyer appeared and he looked devastated. He clearly knew. What had happened?

"I'm here to drive you," he said.

Right. I left everyone behind, hoping like hell I could give them some good news, but I was doubtful.


	32. The Hospital

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 12**

Taylor met me at the hospital and I noticed it was the same hospital I was taken to when I had my car accident, the one where Anastasia's mom worked. I liked that Anastasia would be in such great hands.

"How is she?" I asked.

"I think it's best if you just see her." Taylor was giving nothing away.

"Jason, please," I said, but he just shook his head no and led me to her room.

He didn't even go in with me, he left me at the door.

I entered and all I could focus on was her face. Anastasia was sitting up slightly and her eyes locked on mine. I breathed a sigh of relief, she was alive.

"You're here," she said.

"You're alive," I replied, walking towards her, eyes still not leaving her face. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"No," she said softly, looking down. I did too, she was wearing one of those silver weather blankets, it was wrapped tightly around her.

"How's Ros?" I asked.

"Fine," Anastasia said.

That was good news.

"Christian," she said, "can you lock the door please?"

Of course. I locked it and came back over to her. Anastasia faltered and then she carefully pulled the weather blanket off. She hissed in pain as she did and her movements were limited. Once it was away from her, I gasped. She had been burnt, but it was more than that. Her shirt and suit jacket were melted into her skin, oh god, it looked bad.

"Why... Why are you still like this?" I asked. "Why aren't they helping you?"

Anastasia dropped her head. "I can't," she said.

She can't? And then it hit me, even I wasn't allowed to touch her chest, so she wouldn't want anyone else to either.

"Shit," I hissed. "Ana, baby," I said, sitting on the bed, "you need to let them look at you."

"I know," she said, "that's why I asked for you."

I grabbed her hand and she hissed in pain. I took a closer look and noticed that her handcuff bracelet had burned her wrist really bad, thankfully it wasn't stuck to her skin like her clothes. I carefully worked it off her wrist and slid it onto mine, next to my bracelet. It was a start, but we needed to get her out of her clothes.

"Tell me what you need," I said.

"Don't leave me," she pleaded.

"I won't."

"I only want one doctor," she told me, "preferably female, and you have to stay with me."

I agreed and sent Taylor a message.

"It will be okay," I told her.

"It hurts," she said, "worse than anything I've ever felt. I think it's still burning, but I couldn't let them touch me or even look at it."

"It's okay," I kissed her lips, "we will get past this, just like everything else. Can you tell me what happened?"

"We were flying low," Anastasia recounted, "I was showing Ros the area and then we lost both engines. I tried to land safely and I did, but we tipped onto the side. The fire spread quickly and Ros wasn't familiar with the aircraft. She did well following my instructions. She unbuckled herself and opened the door, and then she got me free, but I… I was on fire by then. She saved me. We were barely free before the whole thing went up in flames. It's a bit of a blur after that."

"I'm so glad you're okay," I told her. "I wish I could hug you right now… You must be in so much pain." Shit.

Anastasia looked away. "It's fine," she said, clearly lying.

Fuck, my baby needed help. I discreetly texted Taylor to hurry up on getting the doctor.

The doctor knocked on the locked door and I let her in. Anastasia tensed, so I picked up her non-burnt hand in mine, staying close to her.

"Hi," the doctor said calmly, "I'm Doctor Lauren Jensen." She was keeping her distance, that was good. "Miss Steele, do you think I can have a look at you?"

Anastasia tensed up.

"Just a look, I won't touch you," Dr. Jensen said and I was glad Taylor seemed to have briefed her on Anastasia's issues.

Anastasia nodded her head and the doctor approached. Anastasia wouldn't take her eyes off the doctor. I stayed by her side, squeezing her hand periodically. Dr. Jensen did as she said, she looked Anastasia all over, without touching. Anastasia was struggling so much. I brought her hand to my mouth and kissed it before I moved my other hand to her hair and started trying to soothe her. It worked to a degree, but she was still tense.

"Okay," Dr. Jensen stepped back, "what we need to do first is separate the clothing from your skin. It will be painful as it's covering most of your chest. May I suggest that we sedate you."

Her voice was calm and I was so thankful she was putting Anastasia's needs first.

"Can you give us a minute?" I asked.

"Of course," Dr. Jensen said, "but I would advise that you make your decision quickly because until we get started the risk of getting an infection is high."

She left the room and I turned to Anastasia.

"I don't want them to sedate me," she said, "please, Christian, don't let them. I need to be in control, I need to see, I need to protect myself."

"Ana, baby," I said, kissing her hand again, "I agree with the doctor." Anastasia tried to pull away from me, but I didn't let her. "Hear me out," I said. "She's being respectful, Ana, she hasn't touched you, but someone is going to have to."

"You do it," she blurted out.

"I can't," I told her, "not only am I not qualified, but I can't do it, I can't rip your skin away from your body like that. Have you even had a look yet?" I asked her. "It's melted to your skin, it's going to hurt, and they're going to have to touch you. There's no other way. Take them up on their offer, Ana, you're not ready for this, it's a hard limit for you and that's okay. Let them sedate you so you don't have to be present during it."

"I don't want to lose control," she said.

"You won't."

"I will."

"Then put that control in my hands," I said, "I will be here, I will not leave your side, I will make sure they don't hurt you. You can trust me to do this, Ana. I won't let them hurt you."

"I'm going to kill whoever sabotaged Charlie Tango," Anastasia said and I didn't blame her.

"We will," I assured her, "she will pay."

"She?" Anastasia questioned.

"I think it was Jacklyn Hyde," I said, "she wasn't at work today, Elizabeth is missing. I was trying to follow it up, get everyone on board, but they were more worried about finding you. I'm betting it's her, it's the only thing that makes sense."

"Why would she try and kill me?" Anastasia asked, her voice low.

"I don't know, baby, but we'll figure this out, but in order to do that, we need you fighting fit. Let them sedate you, please."

"Okay," Anastasia accepted, "but I want to be knocked fully out, I don't want to be even the littlest bit aware and I don't want to wake up until they're done completely. I can't handle this, you're right, Christian. Just… if something happens and I… don't make it, you can take everything I own, okay? I love you, my sweet boy."

I wanted to tell her not to talk like that, but I didn't.

"I love you too, baby," I said. "Let me go talk to the doctor."

I could tell she didn't want me to leave, but I had to.

I left the room and Taylor was standing there with Dr. Jensen.

"She has agreed," I said, "but she wants to be knocked out fully and she's expressing the wish to stay unconscious until any and all procedures to her chest are done."

Dr. Jensen opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her.

"This is the best you're going to get," I told her, "Anastasia will sign any waivers you need, she will pay for any costs. This is something she needs. If you don't give in, I feel as though she'll just leave."

The doctor nodded her head. "I'll go talk to our legal team and be back."

"Taylor," I said, "please go to Escala and reassure everyone that Anastasia's okay. I'm not sure what I said when I left them. Umm, maybe when you're there, call my phone and I can convince Ana to video chat with them, so they can see for themselves that she's okay, but don't bring them here, she won't be able to handle that."

"Yes, Chris."

Taylor left and I made my way back into the room, pulling up a chair. Anastasia looked at me anxiously.

"Dr. Jensen is talking to the legal team," I said. "I let her know that it's your way or no way."

Anastasia relaxed. "Thank you, Christian."

Everything was calming down, Anastasia was okay, she was burnt, but okay.

"I guess this is karma," Anastasia said softly, "for the time I burned your chest with the coffee."

I smiled, I couldn't help it. It was good to see her in a lighter mood.

"We'll be okay," I said, "we'll get you healed up and we'll deal with Jacklyn. We'll be okay."

"I'm sorry," Anastasia said, "for everything. You would've been better off if you had never met me."

"No, I wouldn't," I smiled sadly at her, "I love you, Ana, you make my life worth living. No matter what, I'd never give that up. Things will settle down, they will."

"What about me?" Anastasia asked. "My chest, it's going to be scarred, you're going to hate it."

"Baby, it was already scarred," I reminded her, "and I don't care about that stuff, I love you, a few more scars won't change that. Try not to worry about it." I kissed her hand again. "We'll get through this."

"I don't deserve you," she said.

"Yeah, you do," I smiled, "you deserve all the good. Life has been particularly shit to you, but not anymore, not with me by your side. I will protect you."

She laughed.

"What?" I asked.

"When I think of you," she said, "I don't really picture you as a protector."

"Well, I might not be able to physically protect you," I said, "but I can outsmart people with my brain."

"Yeah," Anastasia said, "and your smart mouth. …I'm worried, Christian."

"Don't be," I said, "I won't leave your side. I won't let anything happen to you. I'll make sure only the necessary people are around. You can trust me, baby." I squeezed her hand.

Dr. Jensen came back into the room.

"Okay," she said, "I've got everything in order. You will need to sign this contract, Miss Steele."

I shared a look with Anastasia, it always came back to contracts. I was so happy we didn't need one.

"It just outlines your wishes and that you're willing to take on any responsibility-"

"Why don't you just call it what it is?" Anastasia said. "You're just covering the hospital's ass and I get that. Let me sign it."

"Do you want to speak to our legal team about it?"

Anastasia glared at Dr. Jensen and it was so good to see. My Ana was still there. Jacklyn's attempt on her life hadn't dampened her feisty spirit.

Anastasia signed the contract and gave it back to Dr. Jensen.

"I have one more thing to discuss," Dr. Jensen said, "we're trialing the use of tilapia skin on burns and that option might be available to you, are you interested?"

"Do whatever you have to so the recovery time is less," Anastasia said.

Wait.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Fish skin," Dr. Jensen answered, "it gets put straight onto the burn and helps with pain, there's also less dressing changes as it keeps everything moist. Usually we have to change the bandages every two days, but the fish skin can be left on for up to ten days. The less we have to aggravate the burn, the better."

Right, that sounded like a good plan.

"As I said," Anastasia's voice was tight, "do what you have to. Fish skin, skin grafts, I don't care, just get me healing and out of here. I don't care about scarring, just get it done."

"Okay, Miss Steele," Dr. Jensen said, "I will get everything sorted and be back shortly."

She left and I looked at Anastasia shocked.

"What?" she asked me.

"You don't care about the scars anymore?" I asked.

"Not if you don't," she said softly, "and you're right, Christian, I'm already scarred, so what does it even matter. I just want to be healed and back home with you. Fuck Jacklyn Hyde."

Well, at least we could agree on that. I still didn't know Jacklyn's motives, but she would regret crossing us.


	33. Going Home

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 13**

These past few weeks had been hell. There were several times I wished I was unconscious like Anastasia. I didn't leave her side. I stayed at the hospital, I showered there, I ate there. Taylor was a big help in getting me whatever I needed.

The boys had taken my suspicion about Jacklyn Hyde being the one to cause the accident on board, but so far nothing. We knew for sure that Charlie Tango was sabotaged, so I was confident they would find something to connect Jacklyn to it eventually. I wished I could be there helping them in the basement, but Anastasia was more important.

The doctors had stuck by Anastasia's wishes and after her surgery they had put her in an induced coma. I could tell they didn't like it, but it was what Anastasia wanted. It was hard to see her so unresponsive, but at least her burns were healing. They weren't as bad as initially expected, but they did give her some skin grafts and they did use the fish skin.

Anastasia's family had visited her, but I made sure she was covered fully before they came in. Even my father Ray stopped by. They all wanted to check on her and me. It was the hardest three weeks of my life and it made me realize how broken she truly was. I reached forward and pushed her hair off her face.

"We're going to start the process of waking her up today," Dr. Lauren Jensen said.

My head whipped around. Today.

"Do you think she's ready?" I asked.

"Yes," Dr. Jensen said as she read Anastasia's chart. "She's healing nicely so I see no further need for surgeries. Are you sure she'll let you help her with the dressings and applying the cream to her chest?"

"Yeah." I knew she would.

"Then there's no reason for her to stay here any longer."

"What about the future?" I asked. "Don't you have to redo skin grafts?"

"No, only in children because they grow. Miss Steele should be fine. Her skin grafts are alive and doing their job. It's the best option, Chris. We will pull the tilapia skin off first and you will use regular dressings and cream to treat the remaining burns at home."

It all sounded good, so I gave the go-ahead.

I had seen them change the fish skin twice before, but when Dr. Jensen carefully pulled it off this time, I noticed a welcomed change. Anastasia's skin was no longer red and raw, it looked scarred but healed.

"You will still need to apply the cream we prescribe," Dr. Jensen said, "but it's looking good. You can most likely keep it uncovered unless you notice any open wounds. I strongly suggest calling Dr. Steele with any concerns you may have before coming back to the hospital unless it's a dire situation. Miss Steele's mother is more than capable to deal with this."

That was good to know. I knew Anastasia wouldn't want to come back here.

"Will she be able to go home today?" I asked.

"No. We'll need to keep her for a day or so to monitor her, make sure she can eat, go to the bathroom, get around, all that."

That sucked. I missed Anastasia's apartment, our home. I missed Ana. I wanted to hear her again, see her smile, feel her love for me.

Once Dr. Jensen had finished removing the fish skin, she checked Anastasia's vitals and then began the slow process of bringing her out of her induced coma.

"How's this going to work?" I asked. "I think Ana would like to be alone when she comes to."

"That will be tough," Dr. Jensen said, "I'll need to keep a close eye on her."

I stepped forward, ready to be with Anastasia when she came to. It took a while, but her eyes soon fluttered open. I grabbed her hand and made sure she focused on me and not Dr. Jensen.

"Christian." Anastasia's voice was weak.

"Hey," I said, returning her smile.

"What's going on?" she asked, trying to sit up. "When are they…" she trailed off.

"Everything's been done," I told her, "you're almost ready to go home."

Anastasia looked down at her chest, but she couldn't see it too well with the angle she was on.

I picked up her burnt left arm and showed her. They had to put skin grafts on her bicep and where her handcuff bracelet had burned her wrist. That part still looked pink and tender, but it was better than it had been.

"Your chest is the same," I told her as she moved her arm with my help, looking at it.

She looked at my wrist. "I want that back," she said.

I was still wearing both handcuff bracelets, I hadn't taken them off. I slipped them both off and slid mine onto her right wrist, the unscarred one. I wasn't sure if she knew it was my bracelet or not, but I wanted to keep hers as a reminder of how I'd almost lost her. The metal was slightly discolored by the heat of the fire, but other than that, it was the same.

Anastasia would be doing some rehab on her wrist, but I'd already told them that I would handle it. I had a feeling we'd have to work on her shoulders too as one of her collarbones was skin grafted too. She still had to heal, but we'd get there. I just needed to get her home.

"Okay," Dr. Jensen said, "I'm happy with her progress so far. I'll leave you two alone. Ring the bell if anything changes and I'll come back."

Anastasia tensed up. She had thought we were alone.

"It's okay," I told her, "that's Dr. Lauren Jensen, she's the one you dealt with first. I made sure she was the only one to look at you. During your surgery there were some others, but not many, and I was there. I never left you."

"Thank you, Christian. How long has it been?" she asked.

"Almost three weeks."

I expected her to be sad, but she smiled at me. "I love you, my sweet boy," she said.

I leaned forward and kissed her, she didn't even react negatively or tense up. I kept the kiss short and closed-mouth.

"How's my family?" she asked in a quiet moment later.

"Worried," I admitted, "but understanding. They visited a few times, but don't worry, I kept you covered. Seeing as you were unconscious they never stayed long. Your mom came most often, but that's probably because she works here, plus, she loves you."

Anastasia was thoughtful.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Happy," she said, frowning.

I sat on the edge of the bed. "Happy?" I prompted.

"I asked for the impossible and they granted it to me," Anastasia said. "I put my trust in you and you made sure nothing happened to me."

"Of course," I said. "I'd do anything for you, Ana."

She teared up. "Thank you for putting up with my shit, Christian."

Oh, it was so good to have her back and awake. Fuck Jacklyn Hyde, we would bring her down. There was so much I wanted to do, but it could wait.

We both just wanted to leave the hospital then and there, but we had to wait for Dr. Jensen to give Anastasia the all clear. It eventually came about and Dr. Jensen gave us all the necessary instructions. The last thing she wanted was to watch me apply the cream to Anastasia's chest, but that wasn't happening with her in the room, so she stepped out.

"Do you want to do this yourself?" I asked Anastasia.

She shook her head no. "Start with my arm," she said.

I carefully rubbed the cream into the scarred skin of Anastasia's left arm. I took it slow and made sure I got everywhere. When I was done, I pulled back and waited.

"Try here first," Anastasia said, motioning to the top of her chest, above her breasts.

I grabbed some more cream and rubbed it together between my hands. I was trying to give Anastasia time to back out, but she didn't waver. I placed one of my hands on her shoulder, she tensed, but said nothing. I kept my eyes on hers as I slowly rubbed the cream over her shoulders and collarbones. Once done, I pulled back again.

"Stomach next," she said.

I could tell she was starting to struggle, so I got to work quickly. I made sure I wasn't rushing her though. I finished doing her stomach and all that was left were her breasts. I had only touched them once before and that was during a painful sex session with Anastasia. It physically hurt her and I didn't want to do that again.

"Maybe you can do it?" I suggested.

"No," she said, "it's…" She looked down at her chest and I gave her all the time she needed. "I…" she started but stopped, "I can't see them anymore," she whispered, "the cigarette burns, they're gone."

I waited for her to continue. She reached up and touched certain parts of her chest.

"Do you think they're still there?" she asked. "Underneath?"

"No," I answered honestly. "You lost a lot of skin when they had to pull your jacket and blouse off, it was horrible, but I saw you and there were no scars, it was a clean slate. These new scars are from the helicopter crash and the skin grafts, you can even see the fish scales. The cigarette burns aren't there anymore, Ana, they're gone."

She looked back down at her chest, tracing it, but this time it was the new scars. She moved to the one on her wrist, from the handcuff bracelet, and she smiled.

"I don't know what to think about these new scars," she said, "but I'm glad the old ones are gone." She paused for a long while and when she met my eyes, something seemed different. "Okay," she said strongly, "finish, but please take it slow."

I did as she said, but it wasn't needed. She didn't tense, she didn't safe word, she just watched my hands. I tried not to think about what I was doing too much, but it was hard. I was touching her breasts. It was different from last time. I wasn't blinded by my lust and Anastasia wasn't pushing herself. It was just us. I lingered too long and she whispered red.

I didn't care. She had come so far. I knew all of her demons wouldn't be easily squashed, but I was confident we'd get there. I called Dr. Jensen back in and she was pleased to see that we had managed to spread the cream all over Anastasia's wounds by ourselves.

"You can get dressed now," Dr. Jensen said, "I'll go get your discharge ready."

She left and Anastasia smiled, it was so good to see. "We're going home," she said.

"We are," I agreed. "I missed your place."

"Our place," she corrected, then she dropped her head. "It's okay if you went back, Christian, I understand, three weeks is a long time."

"I never left your side," I told her. "I was in the operating room with you, it was a fight, but I was there. Going home would've been pointless anyway because you weren't there."

"What about now?" she asked. "If I told you to go to work, would you?"

"Not unless you were there with me. We can work from home, we have the technology. Plus, you've been out for three weeks and nothing has imploded. Progress isn't as great with Ros in charge, but it's fine."

I found the bag of clothes Taylor had gotten for Anastasia and helped her get dressed.

"I feel so underdressed," she said.

I laughed. She was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of sweatpants. She was refusing to wear the sweatshirt.

"Well," I said, "when we get home you can take it all off. I don't know what Gail will think, but I won't care."

Someone knocked on the door and Anastasia nodded for me to let them in. It's was Anastasia's mother Grace. I smiled at her and held the door open wide so Anastasia could see. Grace tentatively stepped inside.

"Hi," Grace said and I noticed that Anastasia had tensed up. "Lauren told me you've been approved to leave. How are you feeling?"

"Did Christian ever leave my side?" Anastasia asked.

I thought we were done with this, but clearly not.

"No," Grace told her.

"I'm feeling good," Anastasia said, smiling. "I'm ready to go home."

"Oh, sweetheart," Grace said, "I'm glad you're okay."

A silence settled over us.

"I think I'll go," Grace said, "bye, dear."

"I'll call you," Anastasia said, "after I've settled in. Maybe you and the family can come over to Escala and have dinner with us."

Grace smiled. "We'd love that, Anastasia, just let us know when."

Grace left.

"That was nice of you," I told Anastasia proudly.

"I figured it would be best to see them all at once. I want you to invite Ray too."

"He'll enjoy that," I told her. "He called me every day to check in. Visited a couple of times too. I think he misses you."

"It's been too long," she said. "Can you help me stand up?"

"Sure." I helped her to sit on the edge of the bed and then I took her hands in mine and supported her as she tried to stand. Her legs wouldn't hold her yet, but she had enough upper body strength to keep herself up. She didn't last long until she sat back down. "We'll get there," I promised her. "Maybe we can even do some sexy strengthening exercises."

Anastasia's eyes sparkled. It had been too long for both of us.

"I can think of a few things," she said and my dick twitched at the thought. It had been way too long.

Dr. Jensen came back in and got everything sorted for Anastasia's release. We both listened to everything we were told, but when Dr. Jensen wheeled in a wheelchair Anastasia refused.

"It's hospital policy," Dr. Jensen told her.

"Christian can carry me, right?"

"Of course," I agreed, "just let me text Taylor first." I did that and Dr. Jensen left us. "Come on," I told Anastasia, "let's go."

She smiled as I picked her up. She wrapped her arms and legs around me in a tight bearhug.

"I'm sorry for taking the easy way out," Anastasia whispered, "I'm sorry I left you alone for three weeks, but thank you for not leaving me. I don't deserve you."

There were so many things I could say in reply, but I said nothing. I just held her to me tighter and left the room that had been our home for the past three weeks. It was filled with so many things, my things, Anastasia's things, all of the well wishes she got, but all I took with me was Anastasia. The rest could be collected by Taylor later.

I got a few weird looks as I made my way out of the hospital with Anastasia in my arms, but I didn't pay any attention to them.

"Jason," Anastasia said the moment she saw him standing by her car. I loved that she was using his first name.

"Miss Steele," Taylor smiled, opening the door for us.

I helped Anastasia into the backseat.

"Chris," Taylor said, "it's good to see you on the outside."

It was good. "Take us home, Jason," I told him.

"Yes, sir."

The drive was short and Anastasia didn't let go of my hand the whole way there. Taylor parked in the parking garage and we took the elevator up to Anastasia's apartment, she was still safely in my arms. I couldn't believe we were really here. I had dreamed of this day for three weeks and here we were.

Everything was the same. Gail was there to meet us, but aside from that, it was empty which was good.

"Miss Steele," Gail said, "it's good to see you again. What can I get you?"

Anastasia tensed up.

"Give us a moment, Gail," I said.

"Of course, Chris." Gail stepped away.

"Where do you want me to sit you?" I asked Anastasia.

"Can we go to bed for a little bit and take a nap?" she asked me. "I'm tired."

I smiled, remembering our first nap in Hawaii. "Of course, Ana."

Ah, it was so good to be home.


	34. Slowly Healing

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 14**

Waking up with Anastasia in my arms was heaven. I missed her bed too, well, I guess it was our bed. I smiled.

"What?" she asked.

I didn't know she was awake.

"I'm glad we're home," I said, not moving my head off her covered scarred chest. I must've moved in my sleep, but she didn't seem to mind.

"Me too," she agreed, "but I need to get up, there's so much I need to do."

"You need to take it easy," I said, tightening my grip on her.

"Christian, I've been asleep for weeks. My body might be weak, but my mind isn't."

She may be right, but I didn't want her pushing herself too far.

Anastasia ran her hand through my hair. "Baby," she said, "work is me, I miss it. Surely, we can come up with a compromise. I can work from bed or on the couch. You can wait on me hand and foot if that's what you want, but I'm not just going to lay here, no matter how persuasive you are."

"I haven't even started to persuade you," I told her.

"Having your warm body against mine is enough," she said.

I was liking this new side of her. It was a mix between normal Anastasia and Hawaii Anastasia. I wasn't sure if it was because of what happened to her, because she was still adjusting to life outside the hospital, or what, but I wasn't going to question it. I was still lying with my head on her chest and she didn't care. I wanted to ask her about it so badly, but maybe later.

"Are you going to let me get up?" she asked. "Or do I have to persuade you?"

I liked the sound of that.

"Persuade me," I told her and she laughed.

"It wouldn't be hard," Anastasia said, "you want too many things. Hmm," she said, thinking about it, "what do you want?" she asked me.

It reminded me of another time she had asked me this, it was a reward for being a good submissive, but this had to be different. It didn't stop my mind from thinking of all things dirty though.

"I want to make you cum with my tongue and fingers," I told her, still not pulling away.

"No," she said. "It's been weeks, Christian, I'm not sure what it looks like down there, but I'd love to have a shower first and neaten things up."

"I don't care about that."

"I know, but I do. What about you? Can I make you come?"

"No," I told her, "you've just come out of the hospital, I can wait."

"Look at us," Anastasia said, "we're being so careful. You know, once we're married I'm sure we won't care about these things, we'll just take what we can get, when we can get it."

"You still want to marry me?" I asked.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that," she said.

I carefully placed my hand on her scarred ribs and was happy to see her not tense.

"You're it for me, Christian," she said. "I'm never letting you go again, especially not now. I love you, my sweet boy with your smart mouth."

"I love you too, Ana," I said and yet again she didn't tense. This was good, but would it last? "You still need to persuade me," I told her, "because I'm not moving."

"How about this," Anastasia said, "I get to work from the couch and you can be my right-hand-man."

"Isn't that Taylor's job?"

"We need to talk to them today," Anastasia said, "we need to find out exactly where they're up to about everything. How is Charlie Tango?"

"We saved her from the crash site," I told her, "but… she's dead."

She paused for a moment. "We'll get another," she said, "you can help me choose it and we can name it something more original this time. We can even make sure we christen it properly."

Hell yes.

"Okay," I said pulling back, "that's enough persuasion. I want you up and out of bed so you can get stronger faster so we can get the new helicopter faster."

Anastasia laughed.

"Come on," I said, "get out of bed already."

"Christian," she said shyly, "do you think you could help me take a shower and…" she blushed, "shave my hair off? ...I understand if you don't want to. I can get Taylor to buy me one of those shower chairs and I can do it myself."

"Ana," I cut her off, "I'll do it. We're basically married, right? We don't care about those types of things."

She smiled and let me help her off the bed. Anastasia was unsteady on her feet, but we would build her strength up slowly. I had some great plans about how we could do that sexually, if she was up for it, but we'd get there.

The shower was completely innocent, well, it was on my part. Anastasia kept grabbing me and stroking me and trying to sink to her knees. I thwarted her advances even though I didn't want to. It was too soon, she was still healing. She was determined though and she did manage to suck me off. It was so good. I wanted to return the favor, but I decided that could wait for later today.

It ended up being drying her that the most sensual. It was amazing to see her newfound trust in me. She didn't question me, she didn't tense, she just asked me to help her dry off and I did it. I respected her, using the towel as a barrier, and not one negative emotion washed across her face. She seemed calm.

When she was dry, I applied the cream to her scars. She still seemed fine, it was remarkable. I knew events like this could be life changing, but there were so many people who never changed and I think I assumed Anastasia would be one of those people, but maybe not.

"Are you okay?" I just had to ask.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed getting dressed. I was thankful to see that she put the sweatpants back on. She didn't like them, but they were what she needed for her healing form.

"I'm doing fine," Anastasia said, it sounded truthful. "What would you say if I stopped seeing Flynn?"

Her therapist. "Is that something you're thinking about?" Anastasia nodded. "Why?"

"I've overcome so many things with you by my side," she said as she finished getting dressed. "Therapists and me, we don't really get along and I learned to accept that therapy would always be a part of my life considering how fucked up I am. Flynn was tolerable, but now… I'd rather just have you and I think that's all I need."

I didn't know about all of her problems, so I was hesitant.

"I trust you, Ana," I said, "if you think all you need is me then we can try that, but if you ever need someone else for other things, the things you don't want to tell me, then you should seek help, if you want."

She came around the bed to stand in front of me. "I've never trusted anybody like I trust you," she leaned forward and hugged me, "I don't tell Flynn about my past, I haven't told anyone, so I don't think it's an issue."

Anastasia pulled back.

"Will you help escort me to the couch?" she asked, holding out her arm.

I smiled and did as she said. When she was settled on the couch, Gail appeared.

"Can I get you anything Miss Steele?" she asked.

"Call me Anastasia," she answered, shocking both Gail and me. "Christian, can you pull the coffee table closer so I can put my feet on it?"

"Why don't you just settle against the corner of the couch and lay across it?" I asked.

"I want to sit this way," she said somewhat sternly. It was good to hear.

I moved the coffee table into place and helped her put her feet onto it, but not before I grabbed a cushion and placed it underneath. Anastasia smiled at me.

"Anastasia," Gail said tentatively.

"You choose," Anastasia told me.

"Omelets with the works," I told Gail and she stepped away.

I was getting a little worried. Anastasia had just given the power of control over to me again, was she losing her need for control? Probably not, but I would need to keep an eye on it especially if she wasn't going to see Flynn anymore.

"Did my laptop burn in the crash?" Anastasia asked. "Or did I not have it with me?"

"I'm not sure."

"Where's yours?"

"I think it's at Steele International."

Anastasia frowned. "I'll need something to work on, Christian."

"I'll call Taylor." I stepped away.

I got it all sorted. Taylor must've already thought about everything because he said he would be over shortly with all that was needed. I told him to make sure Anastasia had some work to do it as I knew she wouldn't just sit here doing nothing. He assured me he was on it and for me to get back to Anastasia.

"Taylor's on it," I told her, standing awkwardly by the couch. What was I supposed to do now?

"You need to get dressed," Anastasia told me.

After our shower, I had just thrown on some gray sleep shorts and nothing else.

"Why?" I asked.

"Just because I can't go to work," she said, "doesn't mean you can't."

Was she sending me away?

"I'm not going without you," I told her, "if you want me to work, I will work from here."

I couldn't tell if she was happy with that or not.

She stared at her severely burnt and now scarred wrist, slowly moving her hand. Her movements were slow and I saw her grimace. Then she turned to her other wrist, playing with the handcuff bracelet. Her eyes went to mine on my wrist, then she looked at me. I waited patiently, but nothing happened, she just stared at me until Gail interrupted us with our food.

I noticed she had cut Anastasia's omelet up into small pieces, so she must've been briefed about her injuries. I hoped everyone knew, so we didn't have to constantly explain everything. I sat down on the coffee table in front of Anastasia and she continued to stare at me as she ate. I wondered what was going through her mind.

"Gail," I called out, "can I get some barbeque sauce please?"

She was back in an instance and I poured some onto my plate before I dug in. We ate in silence. Anastasia's gaze never wavered except to look down at her food every now and then, but mine did. I was looking everywhere. My eyes spied the piano in the corner of the room, I still didn't know if she played or not.

"Do you play the piano?" I asked.

"Yes."

That was impressive. "Will you play for me sometime?"

"No."

Now it was my turn to frown.

"Why not?"

"Red," is all she said and it shocked me back into reality.

Maybe this was just like Hawaii, she was pretending, or still processing and she'd soon turn back into her usual self. I didn't mind that, not entirely as I loved who she was. As long as she continued to heal and push herself to get better. I guess time would tell. I was just going to take it slow and stay by her side in the meantime.

I accepted her answer and didn't push her, maybe one day she'd tell me why playing the piano was a hard limit.

Taylor arrived and brought everything Anastasia and I would need to get work done. I settled on the couch next to Anastasia with my laptop.

"I want to be updated on the Charlie Tango crash and Jacklyn Hyde," she told Taylor.

"Yes, Miss Steele. Do you want to do a video or phone conference with the guys in the basement?"

"No, you can just fill us in."

"Okay, right," Taylor said, "well, Charlie Tango was sabotaged. We've checked the hanger footage, but whoever did it knew where the cameras were. We're combing back through the footage to see if they scoped it out earlier, we're also checking if it's been hacked. No luck so far, but we're not giving up. As for Jacklyn, Barney would be the best person to ask, but there's no evidence that she caused Charlie Tango to crash, Chris thinks so, but that's it. Maybe he can chase that up, we're focusing on other avenues. Jacklyn hasn't been at SIP in four weeks, she just left, gave no notice or anything. Elizabeth Morgan also hasn't been seen. Elizabeth has been reported missing by her family, but Jacklyn hasn't. We're keeping an eye out, but it's not our main focus. We need concrete facts first, Barney doesn't want to waste any time."

"But Jacklyn stalked Ana," I said, "does that mean nothing?"

"What are you talking about?" Anastasia asked, her voice low.

Did she not know about this yet? No, it happened right before the crash.

"We were digging deep, trying to find a connection between us and Jacklyn. Barney showed me a photo of your college stalker, it was blurry, but I'm certain it was Jacklyn."

"This needs to be top priority," Anastasia said, trying to stand up. I grabbed her arm to keep her on the couch. She wasn't really in a power position right now, but I didn't care.

"Okay," Taylor said, "I'll mention it to Barney. Anything else?"

Anastasia didn't reply, I think she was in a state of shock.

"We'll call you." I dismissed him.

He left and I turned to Anastasia. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"No," she whispered. "That was years ago, I thought I was crazy. It felt like someone was following me, no one believed me, then weird things started happened, nothing bad, just... It was how it made me feel, Christian," she moved closer to me on the couch, "I've never felt so unsafe, not since..." she trailed off.

"We'll catch her," I said. I wouldn't stop until Jacklyn Hyde was locked up.

"What does she want with me?" Anastasia asked.

"I don't know, but I'll find out."

"I'm scared."

"Oh, Ana, baby," I wrapped my arm around her, "please don't worry."

"She was in the apartment," Anastasia said, "well, her lackey Elizabeth was. Where else has she been? If she caused the helicopter crash does that mean she wants me dead? Why? I've never done anything to nobody."

"Hey, let's not focus on this, okay. What can I do? Let's do something. Forget work, it can wait until tomorrow. Let's do something, anything."

She didn't say anything.

"Come on, Ana." I pulled back and moved our laptops away from us, all the papers. "What do you usually do to relax?"

"Fly, but I don't feel up to that. Sex, but that isn't wise either."

She sounded so lost and then an idea hit me.

"How about a small trip," I told her, "we could go to Montesano and see my father. You mentioned seeing him a while back. It might be good to get away from it all. Or we could do something else."

"We can't just leave," Anastasia said, "we're safer here. We need to find her, Christian. Get your laptop and find her."

It was most likely an impossible task, but I grabbed my laptop anyway because I would do anything to make sure Anastasia felt safe.


	35. Dinner Party

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 15**

I couldn't take my eyes off Anastasia. Today was a big day and I had imagined her to react in many different ways, but so far, she'd done none of them. I wanted to ask her about it, but I didn't want to add any more pressure onto what was already going to be a hard evening. Anastasia was currently in the kitchen instructing Gail on what she wanted. Her eyes snapped to mine and she frowned before turning back to what she was doing.

Anastasia finished and then busied herself with another task. Tonight, we were holding a dinner party with Anastasia's family and my dad Ray. Everyone wanted to see that she was okay after the accident. I thought it was too soon. Anastasia was doing well physically, but I didn't want her to push herself mentally. She clashed with her family, she had even told me to invite Ray as a buffer, so I knew she was worried about it.

I wasn't sure what to do. Part of me thought she would have used sex as a distraction, but no. Part of me thought she would confide in me, maybe even back out of the whole evening, but no. She was just keeping busy, setting everything up, and I wasn't sure whether to intervene or not. I toyed with my handcuff bracelet, the one Anastasia was wearing when Charlie Tango went down. I had almost lost her that day, we had almost lost her. I knew this dinner was important for her family, but at what cost?

"Ana," I said and she turned to face me, "can I have a hug?"

She faltered before glaring at me and going back to what she was doing. She was denying me, that wouldn't do. I approached her and hugged her from behind, she tensed in my arms, but didn't pull away.

"Ana, baby," I said, "let me help you."

"I don't need your help, Christian, it's just a simple dinner."

She still didn't pull away, it was a good sign.

"Let's go into the playroom," I suggested. We hadn't been in it yet since we'd split, but I felt it was needed. Anastasia needed it to calm down and I needed it as well. We both needed it. Fuck. I pushed my hips into her backside, hoping she could feel how hard I was.

"Christian," she whispered, "now is not the time."

"We have time," I told her, "hours to be precise. Don't you want this too?"

"Of course," she said, "but I'm not in the right frame of mind right now. My family's coming, we haven't found who tried to kill me, Jacklyn's nowhere. There's so much unknown right now."

Exactly.

"That's why we need this," I said. "You've always used sex to help you calm down, use it again. I'm willing."

"It's not healthy."

Fuck that.

"Fuck that," I said, "do you want to tie me up or not?"

Anastasia's breath hitched.

"We have time," I said, "we need this."

I hoped she would say yes.

Anastasia pulled out of my embrace and faced me. She grabbed something out of her pocket and handed it to me.

"You know what to do," she said.

I looked at my hand, it was the key to the playroom, fuck yes. Anastasia stepped away and I didn't waste any time. I went upstairs to the playroom and quickly disrobed, folding my clothes, before I knelt by the door in my underwear. I took a look around, letting my dick harden. It had been too long since we'd played and even longer since we'd been in here. I couldn't wait. The door opened and I dropped my head.

Anastasia was wearing her black heels and they clicked against the floorboards as she walked around the room. I stared at my dick. I wanted to look at her, but that wasn't allowed. My thoughts drifted to our last time in the playroom, the time I should've safe worded, but didn't. I knew I wouldn't have that problem again, but there was something else.

Last time, it was different. Anastasia had talked to me less, she didn't explain things, and I needed that. I wasn't sure if it was because she was trying to give me what I wanted with the fleshlight or if that's how it would be from now on. I wanted to ask her, but I also wanted to wait and see. It was a tough dilemma.

"Sir," I found myself saying. It felt so wrong, not submissive, but I needed to be clear.

"Christian, remember the rules," she said, her voice sharp.

"Yellow."

She came over to me and I looked up at her, I didn't care.

"You wanted this," she accused me.

"Just let me say something first," I told her, "this is important."

Anastasia didn't say anything, so I continued.

"Last time in here didn't feel right," I told her, "it felt off. I wanted to safe word several times but I didn't because it felt good and I thought I could handle it. I didn't like the distance. I like when you walk me through, how you explain things, when you check that I'm doing okay. That's all I need to say." I dropped my head again, ready get going.

"Thank you for speaking up, Christian," she said, "but next time, please do it outside of the playroom and more promptly."

I could agree to that.

"Today," she said, "we're going to use the cable ties."

My dick twitched.

"Stand up, Christian, hands clasped behind your back."

I did as I was told, keeping my head dropped.

Anastasia put one cable tie around my wrist and then another one on my other wrist, then she secured them together. They weren't tight, just firm.

"I've secured them together with a removable clip," Anastasia said, "if you need to be freed, I can do it in a second."

That was good and I was glad she was talking me through it all.

"Walk over to the small bench," she said, "lay on your back, however you wish, make sure you're comfortable."

I approached the bench. It had been so long since we'd done anything sexually and I was so ready. I observed the bench, it was lower than I expected and short. I laid down on it, too far forward, so I shifted back. I took the time to get comfortable as she had asked me to. It took a bit and I wasn't sure what Anastasia was doing. I was lying on my arms, but I realized quickly if I moved more to the center of my body, I could let my arms hang down and my legs rested comfortably in the bent position.

"Very good, Christian," Anastasia said.

She was near my head but I didn't look at her, I didn't want her to blindfold me. She knelt down and clipped my tied hands to the base of the bench. I knew now, since she had explained it to me before, that I could easily be freed if need be. Anastasia must've known this as she didn't explain it to me. I hoped we could find our balance.

"I'm not going to tie your legs," she said, "just keep them there. Your muscles will tire, but try not to move them. Do you have any attachment to the underwear you're wearing?"

"No, sir." What was she going to do to me?

She stepped away and came back.

"This is a cat-o'-nine-tail, we've used it before. I'm not going to be pushing your limits today, Christian, but please remember to use your safe words if need be."

This was it. Anastasia came up to me and ran her hand lovingly down the side of my face. I struggled not to look at her, knowing she didn't like that. It was so hard, I loved this side of her, seeing her in charge, but I had accepted this about her.

"Baby," Anastasia said, leaning over so that my eyes met hers, "I want you to watch me. I think I'm ready for this, but if it becomes too much, I will let you know."

Fuck, yes. My eyes stayed on her as she stepped down towards my middle, and then she swung the whip. The tails hit me everywhere and the pain was delicious. I expected her to go slow, but the blows came fast. It had me shifting all over the place. I tried to keep my back on the bench and my feet on the floor, so I mainly shifted side-to-side.

My underwear was still on and I wondered when she was going to do something about that. I closed my eyes, trying to stay steady. Anastasia wasn't hitting me hard. I focused on the blows, savoring the feeling. I groaned, I couldn't help it. My eyes opened when I felt her near my dick. I watched as she carefully cut my underwear off with a pair of scissors.

The freedom was good. My dick sprung up and the air on my dick made it harder. Fuck, I wasn't going to last long. It was probably for the best. We didn't have much time and we didn't need to overdo it so soon. Anastasia must've realized this because she dropped the whip and the next moment my dick was in her mouth. Fuck.

She pushed herself down until I was buried fully. Fuck. It was so warm and so wet. The second-best place to be. Shit, and I could watch her. I was so lucky. Anastasia didn't meet my gaze, but she started expertly bobbing her head up and down. She had the perfect amount of suction and saliva. She didn't stop or tire. I was going to explode. I tipped my head back, fuck. So close, so, so, so close. Anastasia bared her teeth, scraping my dick. Fuck, that was all it took.

I exploded in her mouth and Anastasia swallowed it all. Fuck, yes, we were so back. Anastasia stepped away and I worked on calming down my breathing. She unsnapped my wrists from the bench and then from each other. When I was free, she helped me stand and led me over to the bed. I sat down on the edge, looking at her in wonder. She was so good at this, taking me to heights I've never been to before.

And she was still trying so hard. I got to watch her and neither of us safe worded, it was good. Anastasia used the scissors to cut off the cable ties from my wrists, they hadn't even left a mark. I was excited for when we would finally use the tape, it no longer scared me because I trusted Anastasia fully. She got her cream and started rubbing my arms down, moving them about. Then she got me to lay down and she did my legs and then my chest. Fuck yeah.

When she was done, she crawled onto the bed and laid against my side. I slung my arm around her and she didn't even tense. My baby had come so far. You couldn't wipe the smile off my face. She did everything for me, but it felt one-sided. I wanted to return the favor, I wanted to make her feel good too.

"Ana," I said, running my hand down her back, "can I make you cum now?"

She sat up and moved away from me, smiling sadly.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Tell me why you want to," she said, pulling me up from the bed and handing me my clothes.

"Because I want to," I said, "and you did all of that for me."

"Things don't need to be equal sexually," she told me. "What I do, when I dominate you, that's where my pleasure comes from. Sometimes I command you to pleasure me, but that's not always the case, and I think what we have is different."

"How so?"

"Well, I figure, if we can make it through this dinner, then, that's when I can get my pleasure, after."

I liked the sound of that, such a delicious promise. "Are you trying to keep me in line again?" I asked.

"No, Christian, I told you I'm done with all that. Act how you please and I will try to do the same."

"Thank you for letting me look at you, I know that's a huge step for you. How was it?"

"It was fine," Anastasia said.

"What do you think changed?" I asked her.

"Many things. Losing you, losing my scars, letting go of my old life. Some things don't seem as important now. I'm just going with the flow, you taught me that, Christian. Now, lets get ready for this dinner. We can have some more fun afterwards."

Yes, I definitely liked the sound of that.

We showered separately and got ready for the dinner party. Anastasia dressed formally, but I went totally casual with jeans and my blue flannel shirt. I wished Anastasia would dress down too, but it was totally against her nature. Regardless, I went up to her and kissed her, telling her she looked beautiful. She grabbed at my flannel, touching me this time.

"I've missed this," she said. "Do you think I can wear it tonight, after."

Fuck, yes. I smiled ridiculously. "Yes." Fuck, I couldn't wait for this dinner party to be over.

"Steady, baby," Anastasia said with a smirk.

Ray was the first to arrive and it didn't take long to realize Anastasia had given him a time which was half an hour earlier than her family. Ray and I drank a beer and I watched Anastasia as she joked around with my father, she had a sense of ease with him and I liked that they got along.

Anastasia's family arrived fifteen minutes early and Anastasia made her way to my side, never leaving it. Everyone came, Grace and Carrick, Mia, and Elliot. Anastasia was tense, but polite with them. They all wanted to see that she was doing okay after the accident and she was, she was doing amazing. She would always have the scars, but she didn't seem to mind them.

We all sat down at the table. Anastasia and I on one side. Ray on one end, closest to Anastasia. Grace, Cary and Elliot across from us, and Mia on the end next to me, great. It was then I realized that I no longer had to hold my tongue, but it seemed as though Mia was. She hadn't uttered one word or had one negative reaction. We could only hope that almost losing Anastasia had affected her in some way, I highly doubted that though.

"Anastasia, dear," Grace said, "you remember Elena, right, my friend?"

Both me and Mia tensed up. Anastasia was the picture of calm though.

"Yes, I remember her."

"She heard about your accident and she wanted to check that you were alright. She seemed really worried, Anastasia."

Mia piped up, "why would she be worried about you, Annie? She didn't know you outside of seeing her in passing, right?"

Anastasia put her knife and fork down and I rested my hand on her knee. She didn't look at me. "Elena sexually abused me from the age of fifteen until twenty-one," Anastasia answered without missing a beat.

I was so proud of her, but surely now was not the time for this revelation.

"I knew it," Mia exclaimed.

"Can someone please explain what's going on?" Carrick asked as he wrapped his arm around Grace who was clearly in a state of shock.

"What's there to explain?" Anastasia said. "Ray, can you pass me the peas please?"

Ray cleared his throat and passed her the peas.

I could tell no one wanted to just drop this, but they did. I assumed Grace would confront Elena about it all and I wished I could be there for it.

Dinner ended, some people had desert, some didn't.

"How's Elliot doing?" I asked Grace in a moment of quiet.

"Still distant," she said. "I'm really worried about him, Chris, and now with Anastasia's bombshell. Is it true?"

"Yes, there's nothing we can do either," I told her, "legally speaking. Ana admitting it to everyone was a huge step for her, so please don't press it. Go to Elena, ask her if you need, but try and leave Ana out of it. She's been trying to move past it all."

"Why didn't she tell us?" Grace asked. "She was only fifteen… Oh, god, that's Elliot's age… You don't think?"

"I hope not," I said, "let me go talk to him."

I left Grace and walked over to the windows where Elliot was.

"Hey," I said, taking a sip of my beer.

He didn't reply.

"Your mom told me you're not going to State anymore," I said, "I can help you with that tiny house you were going to build and Ana can help with the costs."

"It's too late," Elliot said, "State came and went."

"Elliot," I rested my hand on his shoulder, "what's going on? Grace said you were asking for Ana before her accident, do you need to talk to her now?"

"No, not anymore," he said, "that came and went too."

What did that mean? I needed to know.

"Has Elena touched you?" I asked.

Elliot's eyes met mine. "No," he said before turning back to the window.

I had no reason to, but he had said it with such conviction that I believed him. I hoped he wasn't lying, but if not Elena, then what?

"Elliot, please," I said, "let me in, let me help you. You see how Ana's doing, I helped her, I can help you too."

"No one can help me," he said, "it's too late. Anastasia got hurt because of me."

"Now you have to tell me," I said, turning him to face me. "If this concerns Ana's safety then I need to know."

"I can't," his eyes darted around the room, "it's too late."

I pulled him over to Anastasia's office and shut the door behind us.

"It's not too late," I told him. "What do you mean that Ana got hurt because of you?"

"I don't know, they just said she was going to get hurt and then she got hurt. I should've said something, but I was too scared."

"Who?" I asked.

"Someone at school, I don't know who it was."

My heart sunk.

"What did they look like?"

"I don't know, long black hair-"

That's all I needed to know, Jacklyn Hyde had gotten to him, but why? I picked up the phone off Anastasia's desk and called Taylor.

"Chris?" Elliot asked.

I held up my hand for him to wait.

"Miss Steele," Taylor said.

"It's Chris."

"Hi, Chris, what can I do for you?"

"I want you to organize a close protection officer for Elliot Steele. Protection to begin the moment he leaves Escala tonight. I also think it's wise to give the other Steele's CPO's. Don't worry about Ray, he'll kill any motherfucker that comes his way."

"Yes, Chris. May I ask why?"

I turned my back on Elliot and lowered my voice. "I don't have all the details, but Jacklyn got to Elliot. I'll update you when I can."

I hung up the phone and motioned for Elliot to sit on the couch, I joined him.

"The person who talked to you was Jacklyn Hyde and she is a great threat to your sister," I said carefully. "What did she want, Elliot? What did she say?"

"I don't know," Elliot said, "it was a couple of months ago. She approached me at school to talk, I thought she was the guidance counsellor. She just talked about me and my family and about Anastasia, I guess. I don't know, it was just standard stuff. About our homelife. That was in the beginning and then things changed. She got more crazy, I guess, half the stuff didn't make sense. She said she was psychic or something and that she thought something bad would happen to Anastasia. She scared me, but I thought she was just joking. She told me not to tell anyone. She… Something's not right about her."

"We know," I told him, "and you don't need to worry about her anymore. Taylor's organizing a security guard for you right now. Just like Ana has Taylor and I have Sawyer. You'll get one too. They'll go with you everywhere, even to school. Jacklyn won't bother you again, okay?"

A weight seemed to lift off Elliot's shoulders and he hugged me. "Thank you, Chris."

"If you remember anything else," I told him, "let me know, okay, no matter how small, it might be important."

"I will," Elliot said.

We rejoined the others and Elliot was a completely different person. He went up to Anastasia and hugged her. Anastasia didn't even tense, it was good to see.

"I like, Chris," Elliot said, "I'm glad you and him are back together."

Anastasia laughed. "Me too," she said, "I'm not going to let him go this time."

"Chris," Taylor said from the entryway, "a word please."

Anastasia looked at me, but I smiled her worries away.

I stood in the foyer with Taylor.

"We were thinking of Prescott for Elliot's CPO," Taylor said, "but she worked at SIP as Jacklyn's assistant, she knows Elizabeth Morgan too. If you think she's too close to this, we can get Ryan to do the job."

"No, Prescott's fine."

"The only concern I have," Taylor said, "is that when Jacklyn sees Prescott with Elliot, everything will come out. Jacklyn will know we're onto her, she'll know we sent one of our own into her workplace. She might retaliate."

Right.

"Do whatever you think is best, Taylor."

I went back and rejoined Anastasia's side.

"What's going on?" she asked.

I leaned closer to her. "Jacklyn got to Elliot, we're not sure of the extent yet, but he seems okay now. Taylor is organizing a CPO for him for when he leaves, and ones for your family. The protection seems to have calmed his nerves."

I pulled back and we could see Elliot laughing with Ray.

"We need to find her," Anastasia said.

"I know, baby, and we will," I promised her. "We can't let it control our lives though. We've got our protection put in place and we're working on tracking her down. Please try to forget it for now."

"I hate not being in control," Anastasia said, "we need to work out why she obsessed with me."

"Tomorrow," I told her, "I will work on it non-stop until we find that connection. It's there, Ana, and I will find it."

"Can we kick everyone out yet?" Anastasia asked.

I laughed, she had definitely had her fill.

"Soon," I said. "If they don't leave on their own in half an hour then we'll kick them out."


	36. Back at Work

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 16**

"Bye, Ray," I said as I pushed him towards the door.

He was tipsy and not leaving willingly. Anastasia's family had thankfully left, but Ray was dragging his feet. I didn't blame him when Anastasia giggled at every damn thing he said no matter how stupid it was. I finally managed to get him out the door and I locked it. Taylor would make sure he got a room at a hotel safely and then Ray could drive home tomorrow when he was sober.

Anastasia was watching me and I could tell she was glad to be alone. I held my arms open as I walked over to her and she collapsed into them. She laughed and it was the sweetest sound.

"Who knew it would be me who shot off their mouth," Anastasia said, "I can't believe I told my mom about Elena."

"She needed to know, Ana."

"I know, but I just blurted it out."

"I'm fairly certain that information would've been shocking no matter how you delivered it. I'm proud of you," I kissed her lips, "that was very brave."

"I'm committed to letting go of the past," she said, "as long as you stay by my side."

"I'm not going anywhere, literally." I scooped her up and she clutched at my neck. I bet no one had ever done this to her. I made sure she was okay with this, but there was no negativity. This was like Hawaii, but better, because Anastasia wasn't pretending to be normal, she was actually doing it. I leaned down and kissed her again. "Can I make you cum now?" I asked, heading towards the bedroom. Gail would clean up the remnants of the dinner party in the morning.

"Christian," Anastasia sighed, "tonight was shit. Forget what I told my mother, Jacklyn got to Elliot and told him god knows what and we still don't know where she is or what she's planning. Now is hardly the time for pleasure and I hate that. I was looking forward to it, it was going to be our reward."

"Ana, we can't let them ruin us, you know that. They can only affect us if we let them. I know it's hard, but all I want to do is make you cum. What do you want?"

I put her down beside the bed and went over to my side. I didn't want to push her. If she just wanted to go to bed then that's what we'd do. Tomorrow was always a new day. She sat on the edge of the bed and watched me unbutton my flannel shirt. I was trying to sway her by showing her as much skin as I could.

"I wanted to have sex with you tonight," Anastasia admitted, staring at her lap. "I've wanted to for a long time now, but things keep happening. Is it a sign?" Her eyes met mine. "Should we be waiting? I think I'm ready, I really do, and… if it hurts this time, I'll let you know, I know I will. I want you, Christian, all of you."

I came back over to her side and pulled her face to my naked chest, I still had my shirt on but it was wide open.

"I want that too, baby, but the timing needs to be right and we don't need to rush into it. You made me cum in the playroom and all I want right now is to return the favor. That's it. We can wait. I think, even with what's going on, we'll find the perfect time for sex, but we can wait for it."

"Don't you want me?" she asked, pulling back to look up at me.

"No," I said sarcastically as I grabbed her hand and put it on my hard dick, "I don't want you."

She smiled and started stroking it through my jeans. I closed my eyes.

"I always want you," I told her, "you were right earlier. I know you only know BDSM relationships, but normal relationships don't always have to be equal either. Let me worship you and your body, Ana, let me make you come using my mouth and fingers."

Her hand paused and she looked back up at me. "You… you want to worship me?" she asked. "No one's ever said that before, or done it. Elena never cared about that. She got me off, I found pleasure in what she did, but she never worshipped me, and my subs, if anything, I was the one worshipping them."

"This is a big step," I told her, "you putting your trust in me, you letting me play with your body for your pleasure, you letting go. Do you think you're ready to try?"

I reached out slowly, letting her pull away before I cupped her breasts. Anastasia's breathing picked up, but she didn't tense or pull back. I had been rubbing burn cream onto her chest for a while now, it was never sexual, but this would be.

"What do you want?" she asked. "Where do you want me? You're in charge, Christian, but we're using safe words."

I could agree to that. I pulled her up so she was standing. Her giving me control was major for her, I would have to keep a close eye on her and not push her too far.

"Undress me," I told her, "but keep my underwear on."

Anastasia smiled and did just that. She pushed my flannel shirt off and folded it.

"Why do you fold my clothes?" The last time I asked we were in domme/sub mode and she hadn't answered me.

"I just always have," she said, and then she realized what that meant. She faltered before grabbing my neatly folded shirt and throwing it across the room. We both looked at where it landed, in a heap, in the middle of the floor. I thought Anastasia might go over and pick it up, but she fought that urge, focusing on my pants instead.

She undid them and then paused.

"Christian?"

"Hmm?"

"You're not wearing any underwear, so I can't keep them on."

"Do you mind if I'm naked?" I asked Anastasia. "Or I can keep my jeans on, I don't expect anything in return."

She paused. "You choose." Her voice was soft.

Me, right.

"Go grab my gray sleep shorts," I told her.

They were my favorite and I knew Anastasia appreciated them too. I wanted her to see this was all about her, not me. She came back and pulled my jeans down before pulling my shorts on. Fuck, that was intimate. Now, it was my turn. I didn't say anything. I pulled her hair down and slid off her shoes. She was wearing no jewelry except her handcuff bracelet which I kept on. Then, I slid down her dress, letting it pool on the floor at her feet. Before she could think about it, I knelt on the bed and pulled her up with me.

I laid her down in the center and sat beside her, running my hand down her arm.

"You're so beautiful," I told her, "I love you."

Anastasia laid there, baring herself to me, body and soul. She wasn't scared or tense. Her new scars were extensive, especially compared to how small the last ones were, but she didn't seem to care.

"Can I worship your whole body?" I asked, holding her hand in mine.

"Yes," she said.

I smiled, leaning forward to kiss her on the lips. "Just relax," I told her, "and use your safe words. Don't worry about me or what I want, put yourself first. We have time, baby, we don't need to go fast."

She nodded and I kissed her again. I stayed flush against her side as I continued to kiss her. I took my time and kept the kisses slow and closed mouth. I didn't want to rush her. When I felt her completely relaxed under me, I moved to her neck, licking, sucking, kissing, worshipping. Anastasia's breathing increased to small pants and I couldn't help the smile that overtook me.

We hadn't had this yet. In the beginning, Anastasia was always in charge, she didn't let me touch her, it was all controlled. Then, she relaxed some, but we were never honest with each other, we both thought we knew what the other wanted. But now, nothing was holding us back. Anastasia was more open and we had learned to be honest with each other. I wasn't worried. I felt she was ready for this and I was too. To be able to touch her freely, I had dreamed of this day.

I worked slowly, like when I tested out her safe zones, but unlike last time, my first lick of her collarbone was met with a moan and no safe word. Anastasia's hand wrapped itself in my hair and I could tell she was trying to stay in control, but I didn't care. I continued on, licking and sucking at her collarbones. One was scarred, one wasn't. Anastasia would let me know when she wanted me to move on by pulling me to a certain side and when she pulled me downwards towards her breasts, I knew it was time.

I lifted my head, smiling at her, which she returned. I kept looking at her as I cupped her breast with my hand. I avoided the nipple to begin with, but when Anastasia did nothing, but enjoy my ministrations, I ran my hand over it. She hissed in pleasure.

"Has anyone ever touched you here?" I asked, playing with her nipple. "Did Elena ever do this to you?"

"No," she panted, "it's always been a hard limit for me. I… I… I stayed covered when I was a sub, with a vest, and when I was a domme I used a corset. Only you, Christian, I only trust you."

I nodded my head before I dropped it. First, I licked around her nipple and then I gently sucked it. Anastasia's hand was still in my hair, guiding me. She was amazing, not only physically, but the trust she had in me. It was so beautiful. I didn't spend too much time on them, just enough for us both to enjoy ourselves. This was all about making Anastasia cum. I needed to move lower.

Her hand left my hair, but I kept one of mine on her breast. The left one, the more scarred one. I didn't want to let go on the off chance that she didn't let me touch them again, plus, I wanted to pull her nipple right before she came. I knew she'd love that sensation. I licked up her slit, looking at her. She had her eyes closed and then she did something that shocked me. Her hand went to her right breast, cupping it. Anastasia never touched herself, she had told me this.

I decided to pick up the pace. It was late and this was something I was good at. I reveled in the fact that I was free to use my tongue and fingers. It wouldn't take long. I licked her all over, spreading her juices before inserting a finger. Last time we stopped at two fingers, but this time I got to three until she told me no more. It was progress.

Three was good if I was preparing her for sex, but I wasn't doing that, so after awhile I pulled one out and stuck to two. I pumped them in and out as I licked and sucked her clit. She was close. I also massaged her breast, but I left the nipple alone, saving that for last. Her moans became groans, her hips rose to meet my fingers and mouth, she was palming her breast, trying to find release.

She was almost there, one more second. I pulled on her nipple as I gently bit her clit. Anastasia hissed, rising off the bed. I stayed with her, helping her through it all. When she stopped convulsing, I slowly removed my fingers and took my hand off her breast, but I kept licking her slowly until she became limp. I smirked, I couldn't help it. I liked making her cum. She was right, it didn't need to be equal. Yes, my dick was fucking hard, but I wasn't focused on it.

"How was that?" I asked, moving my body so I was beside her again. She had her eyes closed.

"Can you get me your shirt, Christian?"

My heart fell, did I push her too far? I jumped off the bed and grabbed my flannel, helping her into it. She didn't button it up, she left it seductively open. Her breasts were covered but I could see the valley in between. I wanted to ask her again, but I know she heard me, so I waited, just admiring her.

"It was good," Anastasia said, her hand going to her wild hair and absentmindedly playing with it, "new, unusual, intense, but… I liked it."

I smiled wider and she return it.

"Come here," she said.

I leaned forward and kissed her. "See," I said, "they can't touch us."

Anastasia pulled my head to rest on her chest and I wrapped my arm around her. Her hand went to my hair, she was trying to soothe herself.

"Are you sure you're alright?" I asked, enjoying her rubbing my scalp.

"I'm going back to work tomorrow," she said.

I knew this was coming, I was more surprised that she had spent so long working from home. Some of her scars would be visible, even if she wore a long-sleeved blouse. She never mentioned it, but the thought had to affect her. Her last scars were always hidden, but everyone would see these new ones. Plus, we had become hermits and although Taylor informed me that press about the crash had died down, photographers were still camped out to get the first shots of Anastasia post-crash.

It would be a tough day all round.

"We'll deal with it tomorrow," I told her. "Let's get some sleep. Can I hold you?" I asked, not moving. I was almost asleep anyway.

"No," she said, "I need to hold you."

That was fine by me. I snuggled closer to her and fell asleep.

I woke up in the same position, but Anastasia's arms were wrapped tightly around me. I didn't care. I snuggled closer to her and kissed the side of her breast. She was so brave last night. I had a feeling when we had sex again there would be no issues. Anastasia was overcoming her barriers and I was so proud of her.

We eventually got up and got dressed for work. It was good to be getting back into the swing of things, but was it was a false sense of security? Nothing had changed, we had no new information on Jacklyn. It was weird how dressing to impress immediately boosted my mood though. At least I could be in control of one thing.

Anastasia seemed to love it too, she wouldn't stop smiling at me. She looked good too in her usual white blouse and gray pencil skirt. I wanted to get her to wear something different for once, but this was her first day back and we didn't need any added stress. You could see some of her scars peeking above the shirt, but not many and she seemed fine.

Taylor drove us to the office, and as we rode the elevator up, I held Anastasia's hand. She went to press the button for the nineteenth floor, but I stopped her.

"I want to walk you to your office," I told her.

The elevator doors opened on the twentieth floor and Andrea rushed over to us, welcoming Anastasia back. I left Anastasia at her office door with a kiss, searching her eyes, but she seemed fine. This would be good for her, getting back into the swing of things. Anastasia loved to work and I knew no one would be foolish enough to get on her bad side.

As soon as I entered the basement, I ignored all of the guys and pulled out my laptop, getting straight to work. I needed to find Jacklyn's connection to Anastasia. There had to be one there. You don't stalk someone in college and then again years later. They were connected somehow and I needed to figure it out. I poured over all the information I had about Anastasia's life, but there was nothing. What was I missing?

Hours passed and still nothing. I had been doing the same dance for weeks, and the others hadn't had any luck tracking her down either. Who was she? Where was she? Why Anastasia? This was getting me nowhere, it was overwhelming me, it was too much pressure. The feelings currently overtaking me were familiar. I needed to get out. I jumped out of my seat, I needed to see Anastasia.

When I got to the twentieth floor, Anastasia's door was closed and Andrea told me she was on an important call. She asked if I wanted to disturb her, but I waved her off. I felt a little lost, so I went to the only other place I could think of, the IT department. Stepping into the office, which was once mine, gave me a sense of peace. Things were simpler down here, no life and death, no Jacklyn, it brought me back to a time where my only goal was to get Anastasia back.

"Chris," Bianca squealed. She was the first person to notice me and her reaction surprised me. She was always so shy, had that changed? What had happened?

I greeted all the girls; Bianca, Kerri and Juliana. Even Carmen stuck her head out of her office to say hello. My desk was still empty and I sat down at it.

"It's been a while," Kerri said, "how are you, Chris?"

"Well, Ana and I got back together."

"Yeah," Juliana said, "and then she was almost killed."

"Let's not talk about that, please," I said. "I'm in here trying to get away from it all."

They all agreed and I listened to them talk about what had changed in their lives. Bianca had gone back to her usual shy self, so I could tell her reaction was just because she was excited to see me. I definitely missed it down here. A job came in and I stood up.

"Are you going?" Bianca asked.

"Umm, actually," I said, "do you mind if I take this job?"

"But what will the CEO say?" Juliana joked.

"I think it will be fine," Kerri said.

I took the job. It was some network connectivity issue. I went to the woman's office and her voice was so whiny. I wondered why I was doing this. IT was boring and tedious. I pushed her out of the way and checked her computer, no fault there. It must be the cable. I checked it out, it seemed fine. I decided to follow it. It took me all the way to the server room. So many cords. I knew this was probably out of my depth, but I just had to match the code on the back of the cord to this one. It shouldn't be too hard.

It was dark in here though. I grabbed the lamp off the table, but it wouldn't turn on. Right, of course. Even a simple IT job was out of my reach. Why couldn't I figure these things out? Anastasia was in danger, she had almost been killed and I couldn't figure out the connection, or this connectivity problem, or this damn lamp. _Deep breath, deep breath_. The lamp shouldn't be hard to fix. I checked the bulb and then the switch, and then noticed it was turned off at the power outlet. I flicked it on, let there be light.

Thank fuck something was working out for me.

"You know," Anastasia said, standing in the doorway, "we have a maintenance department to fix whatever you're doing."

She was here. I went over and hugged her. "Ana," I breathed out.

"Christian, what's going on?" she asked.

Honesty. I needed to be honest.

"I think it's getting too much again, Ana."

She pulled back immediately. "Let's go to my office," her voice was tight, "it's too dark in here."

I would follow her anywhere. We got a few looks as we walked hand-in-hand to her office, but I didn't care. When we were inside, she let go of my hand and I sat down on the couch. Anastasia sat on the armchair opposite me, just like in our first meeting. It seemed like so long ago now.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" she asked.

"I can't figure it out," I told her, "this whole Jacklyn thing and it's overwhelming me. I want to protect you so badly, but it's getting complicated. At home, it was easy to avoid, but today, being downstairs with the guys, overhearing them as they tried to work on this… I… I think it's too much. I'm your boyfriend, Ana, being on your security team too, with all this shit going on, I can't handle it. You know when they say ignorance is bliss? I think I need that, but I can't just let it go, I want to be a part of it. I want to figure out the connection between you and Jacklyn. I don't know."

"Why were you in the server room, Christian?" she asked.

"I came to see you, but you were busy, don't worry Andrea said she would disturb you but I told her not to, then I went to IT and I instantly felt calmer. A job came up and I jumped at it. I thought doing something mundane would be easy to figure out, but it wasn't. Then the lamp wouldn't work…" Nothing was working for me. "Can't we go back to our backup plan?" I asked. "I can become your sex slave and not work."

Anastasia smiled. "No, Christian, we can't do that. What about going back into publishing?" she asked. "I can buy one of the existing companies in Seattle and you can start at whatever level you want. Put your degree to work."

"I don't think so, not until Jacklyn's dealt with."

"I can move you back to IT," she said, "part time. That way you can still work in the basement if you wish or you can go to IT. Split your time how you please."

The thought was comforting, but IT was boring and I couldn't even figure the problem out, though I was getting close after I fixed the lamp.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"I'm thinking two things; at least I fixed the lamp, and, does the CEO always help employees when they're having a crisis?"

"No, Christian, we have a psychologist on staff for that if you should so need."

"IT, maintenance, a psychologist… What else do you have here?"

"We try to do everything in-house," Anastasia said. "I've actually been toying with the idea of hiring a chef and someone to make coffee rounds, so we can cut down on time spent getting coffee and going out for lunch. It should increase productivity, morale and hopefully, public perception of me."

That made me laugh. Anastasia now cared what her employees thought about her? That was a major change.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked me.

I was.

"Yeah, I just needed a break."

"You fixed a lamp," Anastasia said.

"Yeah," I smiled, "I mean, it wasn't switched on at the outlet, but I fixed the problem."

"I have another suggestion for you then," Anastasia said, "you could join the maintenance department. I haven't checked on it in a long time, but from memory it's just one guy running it. That might be good for you, physical problems you can actually fix, and because it's only Patrick, you can see how it works, figure out how to make it run better. Did you know that most workplace accidents are due to small issues that could easily be fixed; a stuck drawer, broken chairs, etcetera. You could make it your goal to get more employees to report these problems and fix them before they cause injury."

That sounded interesting.

"And I can still work in the basement and IT if I wish?" I asked.

"As long as you're working for me I don't care where," Anastasia said. "Your mental health is important to me, Christian. I know you won't drop working on finding Jacklyn, but please take a break from it."

"I will, thanks, Ana, for being here and figuring out something for me to do."

"Figuring out things is what I do," she said, "but there's a reason I'm staying away from the Jacklyn case, we need to know our limits and stick by them. Do you want me to introduce you to Patrick in maintenance?"

"Can it wait until tomorrow?" I asked. "All I want to do is lay on this couch and watch you work. Call it personal security." I laid down, making myself comfortable.

Anastasia leaned over me, hand on my cheek as she kissed me.

"Okay, baby," she said, "think it all through, but tomorrow I want you to get some real work done."

"Watching you is real work," I said, "you literally have several people hired to do just that."

Anastasia laughed as she walked back to her desk.

"You're the most anti-work person I know," she said. "Though," she sat down, "I think I like this new art installment in my office, maybe I will keep it."

I smiled, I couldn't help it. Anastasia calmed me and that's what I needed right now. I didn't want to have any more blackouts or for my buried memories to resurface. I just wanted Jacklyn caught, but right now, for the rest of today, I would put that problem in Anastasia's security team. I was just her boyfriend right now, the clingy, confused boyfriend who had planted himself in her office to creepily watch her work.

Anastasia was still watching me and she matched my ridiculously wide smile. God, she was beautiful, and all mine. We would be alright, I just needed to take a couple of steps back, split my time, like Anastasia suggested. I could do this, we could do this.


	37. Anastasia POV

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 17**

 _Anastasia's POV_

Christian was lying on my couch, facing me, as I worked. He had spent about half an hour watching me before he fell asleep. I found myself constantly looking at him. He didn't have a blackout this time and that was progress, but I was worried about him. He said he was coming to see me, and that's what we needed, but when he found out I was busy he went to IT instead.

I was thankful Andrea had told me of his failed visit the moment my call ended. It didn't take Taylor long to find Christian in the server room. I thought at first he was just doing something Barney had asked him to, but no, he was lost and trying to find his way. Christian's honestly was amazing and I tried to fix his problem. I hoped I helped him, but all that mattered right now was that he was in my office where I could watch over him.

My phone rang.

"Steele."

"I have the Deputy Prime Minister of India on the line," Andrea said, "do you want to take it?"

No, I didn't.

"I'll take it, thank you, Andrea."

I hung up the phone and watched Christian sleeping for a moment before I picked the phone back up and took the call. I turned away from Christian and looked out the window.

"Deputy Prime Minister, this is Anastasia Steele of Steele International, how can I assist you?"

"Firstly, we would like to offer our sympathy for what happened to you. We were very shocked when we heard the news of the accident."

I closed my eyes. I had heard this several times already today and I just wanted it to end.

"Get to the point, we both know this isn't a social call."

"Very well, Miss Steele. You assured us that your plan wouldn't affect our telecommunication and IT industries, yet it has. Every day we have companies pulling their business from us and taking it to the US."

Yes, that's because I wanted to do everything on our soil, I didn't care if it cost extra.

"I never promised you that. Our deal focused on fixing your poverty issue, nothing else."

"Yet you're taking jobs from us, you're putting people out on the street with no money to survive."

"I refuse to believe that the small amount of business I've pulled from you has had such an effect. I've seen how your industries work, they support many different companies, losing one or two isn't going to put anyone on the street. Let's cut the shit. You're not happy that I'm doing my business elsewhere, you're not used to that. Your IT industry alone is bringing in one hundred billion US dollars, I'm not even creating a dent. So, buck the fuck up, or I'll pull the funding I'm providing for your many leading poverty organizations."

I hung up the phone, pissed. What the hell was that? It was such a waste of my time. I turned back to Christian and he looked to be in pain. Everything else could wait. I went over to him and sat on the couch in front of him. Had he heard me raise my voice? He was still sleeping. My hand found its way into his hair, hoping to offer him some comfort.

I would do anything for him, I couldn't lose him. Something had happened, something had triggered him. This time it wasn't about punishment. He was worried about me, he wanted to protect me, but he couldn't. What did this have to do with his dissociative amnesia? Had Christian tried to protect someone from something and failed? His mother perhaps? It made sense. What did they do to him? They were probably still alive. I pulled out my phone and sent Welch a message.

 **Anastasia Steele:** Get me all information on Christian's childhood, including his parents and any partners they had. I want you to dig deep. Jacklyn Hyde still takes priority though

 **Spencer Welch:** Understood

Good, that was something. If I could find out what happened then maybe I could make sure Christian didn't blackout again. I needed more information. I considered calling Flynn, but I was done with him. I called my mother instead. I knew I should move away from Christian to have this conversation, but I couldn't leave him.

Mom answered right away. "Are you okay, Anastasia?" she asked.

"Yes, Mom, I have a question. Do you know much about dissociative amnesia?"

"Is that what Chris has?"

"How do you know about that?" Christian had told no one but me and Flynn.

"Ever since he came into the hospital," she told me, "I've been researching mental disorders trying to figure out what he has."

"Yes, he has it. I have a question. Would it be bad to bring these memories back? I mean, right now we're in the dark and he gets triggered. Wouldn't it be better to confront everything and deal with it?"

"I'm not sure," my Mom said, "I'm not a psychologist, but you need to remember this, first and foremost, Anastasia, Chris' brain buried those memories, they have to be really bad for that to happen. Digging up the past may be catastrophic, but I can also understand where you're coming from. Talk to Chris about it, see what he wants to do."

That was a good idea, we were a team, but that didn't mean I couldn't have some of the information ready just in case. Hopefully Welch could find something.

"Anastasia," Mom's voice was serious and I knew what was coming.

"Call me, Ana," I said, hoping to soften what was coming my way.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes, Mom, I want you to."

"Thank you, Ana." Now she was choked up, this wouldn't be good, "I spoke to Elena."

My hand paused in Christian's hair, gripping it tightly before I realized what I was doing. I pulled away from him and sat on the floor, tipping my head back to be near him.

"She's denying everything," Mom said. "Did you lie to me, Ana?"

That bitch.

"Why would I lie about this?" I asked, trying to keep my anger in check. "And why would I choose Elena of all people to accuse? She's your closest friend, Mom, I would never do that to you if it wasn't true."

"How did it start?"

I didn't want to tell her, but I knew she needed to know, she needed to be able to make sense of it all.

"I was in the backyard one day when I heard her cursing, so I went over and checked on her. She was complaining that the gardener was sick and that the weeds were overgrown. She was upset, and I was angry, like usual. I left her, but I couldn't stop thinking about those damn weeds, so later that day, I went back and pulled them all out. Elena caught me right when I was about to leave and asked me to come inside."

I paused. Why was I telling my mother all of this? But it felt good to speak about it.

"I didn't realize it at the time," I continued, "it was just a small touch of my arm here, a laugh there. She was… grooming me. You remember how I was back then, I wouldn't give anyone the time of day, but I guess she wanted me and she spent months on me. I was only fourteen at the time. She kept finding new projects for me to work on, some out in the garden, some inside the house. Things shifted one day, I had come upstairs to tell her I was done and she… she was wearing a sheer negligee with nothing on underneath. …Mom, please, no one knows any of this, not even Christian."

There was silence.

"Mom, please say something." Still nothing. "You hate me, don't you? I knew you would. I'm sorry, Mom, I am. I should've known what she was doing, I should've stopped it once everything became clear, but I was weak and she was patient with me, she was giving me something that I wasn't getting anywhere else. It's fucked up, I know that now, but… I can't change it. Christian is helping me move on. I have cut her out of my life, I don't talk to her anymore. We're still business partners, but I'm debating whether or not cutting that tie is worth it. She can be vindictive, Mom, and I don't want to deal with any of it."

More silence.

"Mom?"

"I'm going to kill her."

"No, please don't. It's in the past, let it stay there. Just do what I did and cut her from your life, please, Mom."

"Okay, Ana, but only for you."

"Can we talk about Christian again?" I asked, turning my head to look at him. He was still sleeping soundly.

"Of course."

I paused to collect my thoughts. We both needed this shift in conversation.

"He almost had another episode today, he was feeling overwhelmed, but we talked it through and came up with some solutions."

"That's great, Ana. Communication and honesty is the key here and it sounds like Christian really understands what's going on. It's his head, but you can be blind to these things. It's good he's so aware."

"What about sleeping?" I asked. "He said he just wanted to lay down and then he fell asleep. He's in a deep sleep right now. Is that okay? Should I be waking him up?"

"No, don't wake him. Rest is good. When we sleep, our brain doesn't shut off, it actually works through any problems we have. Let him sleep and wake up on his own, that's what's best for him, and it sounds like he knew that, that's why he laid down."

"What do I do, Mom? I don't want him to have another blackout."

"Just keep an eye on him. As I said, he seems very aware, and he's willing to talk to you about what's going on. Keep supporting him. I'll do some more research on it, but I would strongly advise against forcing these memories back before we know more. Talk to Chris about it, sweetie."

"Thanks, Mom, I'll talk to you later."

"Ana, wait… Do you think, umm... We still have family dinner every Sunday night, do you think you could try and make it? We miss you."

I tensed. That was my old life, the life I was trying to get away from. I knew they were my family, but that house and Mia, Elena too, it just wasn't worth it, not when I had been making so much progress lately. I turned and ran my hand through Christian's hair again.

"I'm not sure, Mom, I'm really busy here and I have Christian to worry about."

"It's okay," she said, "you don't need to explain yourself to me, Anastasia."

Anastasia.

If only I could do this on my own terms.

"What about brunch?" I asked. "Just you and me."

There was silence.

"What about your father and Chis?" she asked.

I could probably handle that.

"And Elliot?" she added.

That was fine too, I would like to get a weekly checkup on him, make sure Jacklyn hadn't fucked him up.

"And Mia?" she asked.

Fuck no, that's where I drew the line.

"Mom, I can't."

"She's your sister, Ana, and you have to remember that you were horrible to her too."

I knew that, but it didn't mean I had to subject myself to her though.

"I never did understand why you two went at it so much," Mom said.

Was she serious? Mia had told me countless times growing up why she didn't like me.

"She hated me, Mom. She was your only daughter and then I came into the picture and I didn't talk and you put all of your efforts into me. I'm not saying that you ignored her as I don't know what your relationship was like before I arrived, but she felt like I was replacing her. She let me know that I was your number two at every chance she got, it pissed me off, so of course I bit back at her. I would never be passive again after what I went through."

"I'm sorry-"

I cut her off. "I really don't want to hear it, Mom. I don't blame you, I actually thank you for taking me in. I have no idea where I'd be right now if you hadn't. You gave me a chance and not everyone gets that."

"Yeah and look what good that did," Mom said, "you struggled from day one until you started doing work for Elena… Oh, Ana, what did she do to you? How did she manage to change your behavior when no one else could?"

"Mom, please. I've already given you way too many details, please don't dig any deeper. The truth won't change anything, just know that I'm happy now and that Christian is teaching me how things really work in relation to sex and relationships. Elena fucked me up, yes, but Christian is righting all of that. I will be okay, Mom. I can be normal, I believe that now and it's all because of his love."

"Oh, Ana," she was crying now and it hurt to hear, "I'm so glad you found him."

"Me too, Mom. I really need to go, text me about brunch. I'm free on Saturday and Sunday, just you and me first and then maybe we can expand the group. I might bring Christian with me, it will depend on how I'm feeling."

"Of course, Ana, I will text you later on. Have a good day at work, baby girl."

She hung up and I just sat there. It had been too long since she had called me her baby girl. It was one thing Mia absolutely hated. I expected the negativity to come, for Mia's harsh words to assault me, but there was nothing, just love between a mother and daughter. It was good.

I got off the floor and kissed Christian's head before going back over to my desk, checking my calendar. Everything could be done from here via phone except for one meeting. I picked up my phone and dialed Andrea's number.

"Miss Steele?"

"This meeting I have in half an hour with Stacey Brennan, can it be pushed off? Or I can do a video call. Yes, let's do that."

"Miss Steele, I…"

"Spit it out, Andrea."

"I would advise against that," she said. "Stacey is in the building, you can't video call her, that shows you don't care about your employees' time." Right. "Let me reschedule it for tomorrow."

Silence overtook us, but Andrea didn't dare hang up.

"Thank you, Andrea."

I heard her gasp from here. I hung up the phone.

Before Christian I really didn't care about anyone else. I was closed off, completely cutthroat. Only my goals mattered, but he was changing how I looked at things. I loved him, I cared for him, he was the most important thing in my life and he loved so freely. He got along with everyone he met. I saw how people were drawn to him, how they listened to him. I wanted that. Maybe not in the same capacity, but I could try. I already have been, like with my coffee and chef idea, but I had been too afraid to implement them.

I picked up my phone and hit the button for Andrea.

"Yes, Miss Steele?"

"Andrea, please go ahead and look into hiring a full-time chef and full-time barista for the office, as discussed."

"Yes, Miss Steele." I could hear the excitement in her voice.

I hung up the phone.

I wouldn't say working here was tough, but I could make it better for my employees.

Christian was still sleeping, so I got back to work. Five o'clock came around and he was still asleep. I wondered whether or not I should wake him. He had been asleep for two hours now. I decided to leave him. I still had some work to catch up on, so I did that. I looked to him every minute, wanting to leave as soon as he woke up. Five-thirty came and there was a knock at my door. I checked the camera, it was Andrea.

"Come in."

She walked in and her eyes went straight to Christian on the couch before she looked back at me.

"Is he okay?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Oh, good. I saw him come in with you earlier and then I just assumed he left when I wasn't looking."

"Andrea, focus." This is why I didn't like to be too friendly with my employees, it made me approachable and I didn't do small talk. I knew I needed to change that, but now wasn't the time to start.

Andrea sat down and we went through today and then my schedule for tomorrow, making some small changes. She told me that shifting Stacey's appointment with me from today until tomorrow was met with joy, something about it being a better time for her. I didn't care, but I needed to. My eyes went to Christian. I knew this change would be good for me and Steele International, but I wondered if I really needed to make it. I had Christian, what more did I need?

I should just hire him as the President of my company or something similar. Put him in charge of my employees and then he could take these stupid appointments, like with Stacey, out of my hands. He'd be good at it too, everyone would love him and he would make sure their needs were met. Plus, it would put him closer to me. We could even share this office, god knows it's big enough. Would he want that? I think he would. It'd be something new for him… Maybe.

"Andrea," I cut her off, "please print out the management hierarchy for Steele International and that of Halter Baron."

She faltered and I glared at her until she scurried out of my office. Maybe this is what I needed. Change took time and I needed to be cutthroat. I wouldn't be where I am today without my harshness and uncaring attitude. Maybe Christian was my balance. Andrea came running back in, handing them to me. I looked at Steele International first.

I was at the top, alone. The closest person to me was Ros, but even then, she didn't really hold any decision-making abilities. I listened to her, but my voice was the only one that counted in the end. I didn't have to answer to anyone. Halter Baron was our closest competitor and their hierarchy was completely different. I didn't really care about that because we were more successful than them, but I was searching for the link I needed.

And there it was, the Chief Operations Officer, the COO. We didn't have one of those, but Halter Baron did. I did a quick google of the position to see if it was what I was after. The Chief Operations Officer was responsible for the daily operation of the company and reported directly to the CEO. It all sounded good to me. The position provided leadership, management and vision… If that didn't fit Christian perfectly, I didn't know what did, but would he want this?

"I need a meeting with Ros ASAP tomorrow."

Andrea clicked away on her iPad. "Done."

I checked my calendar, it was scheduled for seven am tomorrow morning. I hated having to come into work earlier, but I would do it. I needed to ask Ros if she thought this was a good idea and offer her whatever she wanted in return. She liked not being in charge, so she shouldn't have an issue with any of this, but she was here when the company started and I knew goals could change. I wanted to check with her first, and ask Christian if it was even something he wanted.

"That's all, Andrea, thank you."

She left and I looked at Halter Baron's hierarchy. I felt good about this, Christian as my Chief Operations Officer. He didn't have the experience, but I didn't care. It wasn't like he was overtaking the business side, just the daily operations in this building. He would be a man of the people, someone they could actually talk to, unlike me. This would be good. I hoped he would want this position.

I was done for the day, so I shut down my computer. Christian was still sleeping, but I wanted to go home. I sat down on the coffee table and ran my hand through his hair until he stirred awake. There was my beautiful boy. His eyes were half-open and he looked confused. I leaned forward and kissed his lips.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked him.

That woke him up. He sat up fast, rubbing his eyes.

"Is it time already?" he asked.

"It's almost six, baby." I stood up, holding out my hand, "come on, let's go."

I sent Taylor a message as we headed for the elevator.

"Wow, I must've really been out of it," he said. "What did you do for all of that time?"

"I worked, unlike you."

He smiled. Oh, how I hoped he agreed to this. I wanted nothing more than him to be my second in command, for him to share my office, or to only have a glass wall separating us. There was so much to figure out, but I decided I was going to talk to Ros first. If she didn't think I was crazy, then I could ask Christian.

"But work isn't fun," Christian pouted. Damn, that was hot.

The elevator doors opened to reveal Taylor and I was grateful for the distraction. Christian and that pout? Damn, I wanted him.

He really did hate work, hopefully it was just because he wasn't doing something that challenged him. I needed to figure it all out.

"What would be fun?" I asked. "Work-wise," I added when he got a look of desire on his face. I was dying to have sex with him again, dying.

"I don't know," he said.

Well, that wouldn't do.

"I'm giving you homework," I told him.

"What? You can't do that."

"Yes, I can, you're my employee and I'm the CEO. It's simple, Christian, I want you to find some time tonight to sit down, alone, and write down some things you want to get out of working, things you think you'd enjoy. I, for instance, love firing people."

He blanched. "Really? You love that?"

"Yes, a team is only as good as its weakest member."

"Right." He smiled. "So, why do you want this list from me?"

"It's just a project I'm working on, nothing to worry about just yet."

"Tell you what," Christian said, "I'll do this for you, but I expect a reward in return, a good one, a sexual one."

Taylor tensed in front of us, but if Christian didn't care, I didn't either.

"I can agree to those terms, and because it's a reward," I told him, "we'll go into the playroom, but I want you to plan it out, like you did in Hawaii, you were very specific then. I want that."

His smile was so beautiful and he leaned down to kiss me. "I love you, Ana."

"And I love you, baby."

He pulled back and I lightly smacked him on the ass. Taylor couldn't cover up his shocked gasp and it made me giggle, fucking giggle, which of course Christian loved.

"Maybe next time he can just meet us in the garage," Christian said, "I am your personal security now."

"He is?" Taylor asked, breaking protocol by turning to look at us.

I didn't care.

"No," I smiled, "he's not, he just likes to think he is."

Taylor turned back around.

"I would protect you," Christian said.

"You could try, but Taylor and the other guys are twice your size. Plus, I don't want that from you, boyfriend. I want more, so much more."

I took his hand in mine and kissed the back of it. I could never remember being this happy and it was all because of this wonderful man beside me.

"What's going on with you?" he whispered in my ear. "You're happy and I'm loving it."

"I just had a good day back at work, and now I'm going home with the man I love."

Fuck Jacklyn Hyde and Elena. Christian was right, they couldn't touch us unless we let them and I wasn't going to. I had the best security team and I would put my trust in them. Jacklyn may be evading us now, but she would slip up and my team would find her. In the meantime, we were safe and happy, and I wouldn't let her or anyone else destroy that. It was about time I got the happiness I had always deserved.


	38. Ana in Charge

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 18**

 _Anastasia's POV_

Walking into my apartment with Christian after a long day at work was an amazing feeling. I had lived here for many years and it had always felt so empty. Gail would meet me, but it wasn't the same. Christian was always so unpredictable and I loved seeing him treat my home as his own. I ordered him straight to the shower, remembering that after another tough day at work he'd done the same thing.

While he was doing that, I coordinated dinner with Gail before going to my office and getting some more work done. Ros had done good in my absence, but the accident had cost me almost two months out of work, so there was lots to be done.

There was a knock at my door a while later and I already knew it wasn't Christian because he never knocked.

"Anastasia?" Gail said, sticking her head in. Her voice was low and I knew she was struggling with calling me by my first name, but it's what I wanted. I looked up. "Dinner is ready."

"Where's Christian?" I asked.

"I'm not sure."

That was weird, especially after the day he'd had. I pulled up the apartment security feed on my computer to search for him.

"Keep it warm," I told Gail, "we won't be long."

I searched every room for Christian, but I couldn't find him. I even checked the playroom. The camera in there was always turned off, unless I switched it on, but for security measures, it did turn on when someone entered the room. It was a safety function I could personally switch on and off. He wasn't in there. I checked Taylor's security bunker, still nothing. Maybe he was in a blind spot.

I knew he hadn't left the apartment, so I went searching for him with a lump in my stomach. I shouldn't have told him to take a shower, I should've kept him close.

I found him in his closet of all places, sitting on the floor, holding the lanyard I had given him, the one with 'Miss Steele's boyfriend' written on it. That was a good memory.

"Gail has dinner ready," I told him.

He looked up at me.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Yeah," Christian said, but he didn't stand up. "I just wish this wasn't happening to us. We already have so much shit with your issues and my dissociative amnesia, we don't need this Jacklyn and Elena crap too."

I sat down on the floor and wrapped my arms around him.

"You need to start doing what I'm doing," I told him, "forget Jacklyn, let Taylor and the guys handle it, they're more than capable. You're the most important thing to me, Christian, and I want my silly boy back. Let's eat, then you can do your homework and then you get your reward, remember? Don't let them taint us, you taught me that, you've taught me many things."

Christian allowed me to pull him off the floor and I hugged him. When I pulled back, he was smiling. It was good to see. He put the lanyard away and we walked out, hand-in-hand. Gail smiled when she saw us and she plated up our food before leaving. We sat at the breakfast bar and I had to angle myself to see Christian.

"I was thinking about buying a small table," I told him, "just big enough for the two of us. The dining table is too large and sitting here is too informal. I want to be able to sit directly in front of you."

"Sounds good."

He still seemed off and I hated that.

"We should go shopping this weekend," I said, "brighten this place up a bit. I want this to feel like your home too, Christian."

"It already does." He said it so earnestly that it made my heart melt.

"Yes, but you love to spend money," I told him, "I saw how happy it made you at the auctions. Let's do it, no limit, you can go crazy."

"Maybe."

Fuck, Jacklyn Hyde. I pulled out my phone and sent Taylor a message.

 **Anastasia Steele:** Hire more people to work on the Jacklyn Hyde case, I want her found

 **Jason Taylor:** Yes, ma'am

I didn't try and engage Christian anymore, I just left him to his thoughts. I wished I could read his mind to truly see how he was handling all of this, but I couldn't. Hopefully, if I could make him my Chief Operations Officer, he'd find his purpose elsewhere and be able to back off the Jacklyn case. I really didn't want him working on it anymore. When we were finished, I ordered Christian to do his homework while I worked. I told him to find me when he was done.

Forty-five minutes passed before I went looking for him. It shouldn't be this hard for him to tell me what he wanted to get out of work. I found him in the living room, sitting by the window, with his knees drawn close to his chest as he looked out the window. The notepad and pen I'd given him were sitting on the floor beside him completely untouched. I sat on the couch.

"Christian," I said, "why haven't you started your list. This is important to me and it shouldn't be that hard to come up with at least ten things you want to get out of work."

He turned to face me. "I don't know what I want anymore," he said.

He had said that before, when we were broken up.

"You worked at Clayton for four years," I said, "you must know what you liked, what you didn't. You were only at SIP for a week but that would've given you more reasons. And you've been at Steele International for months now, working two different jobs. You should have plenty to write about. Please, Christian, this is important to me. I want you to be happy, not just with me, but with work as well. I want you to thrive.

Please do this for me. If you're having trouble relating it to work, then write a list about what you want out of life and for the future. Half an hour, Christian," I sharpened my voice, "no longer or you won't get your reward. Find me in my office the moment you're done."

I left him and switched on the security camera feed for the living room. He just sat there for a moment and then he looked back out the window, then he picked up the notepad and paper. I could see he was still struggling, but once he wrote down a few things, the rest just flew out and he even turned the piece of paper over to write more. I was anxious and excited to see what he had written. When he stood up, I minimized the feed and pretended to work.

He came in and sat it on my desk. I picked it up and made a show of checking he'd done his job before I smiled at him and told him he had earned his reward. I knew he needed to let go after today, so I gave him the key to the playroom and told him to go up there and figured out exactly what he wanted. Then I told him not to come and get me, he was to wait, when he was ready, by the door, and I would be up when I could.

Christian left and I switched on the playroom feed, so I could keep an eye on him. He hadn't entered yet, so I picked up his piece of paper and read through what he wanted out of work and life.

 _-I want you_

 _-I want to be with you forever_

 _-I want to live here forever, unless we have kids_

 _-We should talk about kids_

 _-I think I always assumed I wanted kids, but we've never talked about it. It's not a deal breaker for me. I just want you to be happy_

 _-I want you to be happy_

 _-I want you to be safe_

I paused. Everything he'd written so far had been about me, I frowned, this better be about him or he wouldn't be getting his reward. I looked at my screen. He was now in the room and he was going through the drawers.

I had never thought about kids, not really. With my early start in life, I had decided not to put another human being through that, let alone my child. Then with Grace and Carrick, they were good parents, but not perfect. It just never seemed like a possibility. I hadn't had sex, males were a hard limit, I was too focused on work, but now… Maybe.

I couldn't shake the thought of a little boy who looked exactly like Christian, it made me smile. Then the vision shifted to a little girl who looked like me, except she wasn't starving, scared or scarred, she was happy and loved. I think I wanted that, but only with Christian. We definitely needed to talk about it. I went back to his list.

 _-I want to live my life with you_

 _-I want to love you_

 _-I want to stay close, I like working for your company_

Now we were getting somewhere. I eagerly read on.

 _-I don't care what I do as long as you approve_

 _-I like to work hard at work worth doing_

 _-I like to have a clear purpose_

 _-I like people_

 _-I don't want to fail_

 _-I like to slack off_

 _-I like looking out the window at the great view Steele International has_

 _-I don't like confusing bosses_

 _-I want to feel valued_

 _-I just want you Ana, that's all_

The list had ended and part of me was proud of him for doing this and part of me was wondering if he had even answered the question. I did know one thing, making Christian my COO was still something I wanted. I hoped Ros would agree tomorrow, and furthermore, I hoped Christian would. We could always try it out and if he didn't like it, he could do something else, or become my sex slave, either or.

I looked back at the playroom feed, Christian was sitting by the door, in his underwear, waiting for me. I smiled. He was a good boy, but his mental health was my top priority. I watched him. He was sitting up straight, but he kept shifting. I zoomed in and could see he was already hard. I was thankful for that. I think we both needed the playroom in our lives.

I needed to be dominant and he needed to be submissive. I had thought with all this progress I was making that maybe I could give up this part of my life. I never thought BDSM was healthy or normal. I thought it was just something I needed to do, an outlet for me, but with Christian it was totally different. I loved doing it with him. Seeing his submissiveness, he was the best one I had ever had, even though I hadn't pushed him and he had never fought back. It showed me that he enjoyed and needed it too.

I shut down my computer and went to my bedroom, it was time. I went into my closet and paused in front of my white blouses. I pushed them aside and looked at the item I had hidden in the back, it was Christian's jacket from the night I had rescued him and we'd spent the night at the Heathman. I don't know why I took it, I think it was to convince myself that he was real. I had never looked at a man until he came along. They scared me, I knew what they were capable of, I had seen it all. I had been spared, but that was only because I was so young. I had been told once I turned five that it would be my turn. Thankfully, I never got that chance. I was lucky.

I ran my hand down the dark gray material. It had a red flannel lining, my boy loved his flannel, I loved it too. I wanted to keep the jacket hidden, I wanted it just in case Christian and I didn't work out. It had become a security blanket for me when we had broken up, but I didn't think I needed it anymore. My mind was telling me I was foolish to give it back, but I trusted Christian. He loved me and I him, I didn't need his jacket when I had him.

I pulled it off it's hanger and put it in Christian's closet with his casual jackets. It was where it belonged and I smiled. I would never let him go again, no matter what was said or what happened to us. I looked at my handcuff bracelet, wishing we were truly handcuffed together for life. Marriage would be the closest thing, I needed to get on that. I wanted to tie him to me for life. I sent Andrea a message.

 **Anastasia Steele:** Book me an appointment with Marty from Harriet's. ASAP, preferably tomorrow if my schedule allows. I will go to him

 **Andrea Russell:** Yes, Miss Steele

Good, this was good. Now, I just had to plan the perfect proposal for him. ...Oh, Christian and the things he makes me do. He was saving me, showing me the life I always should've had. He was amazing, and he was waiting for me in the playroom, hard and willing. I went to my usual domme outfit; black heels, black stockings that attached to black panties, and then I had two choices, it was always a corset, but I had also worn a black bra with Christian.

None of it seemed right anymore. I used to hide as much skin as I could, but I had started wearing the bra instead of the corset just so Christian could see more of me, I knew he loved that. He was such a visual person. I re-locked the cabinet and went over to my everyday underwear, searching for something new. I wanted to keep the color black, but aside from that, I wanted to let go of the past.

I found a pair of black lace tanga panties with blue accents. I got undressed and pulled them on. They went up high, showing off my legs and hip bones and my ass cheeks were showing out the back. I knew Christian would love it. I caught sight of myself in the full-length mirror and I stepped towards it. I was only wearing the panties and my handcuff bracelet. My eyes went to my chest.

I used to hate it. The cigarette burns, although small, reminded me of everything I had endured. It was horrible and no one knew the full truth. I didn't like to think about it, it was too painful, but now, I didn't have that physical reminder. It was great. My new scars covered the left side of my chest and stomach, and my left arm from shoulder to wrist. You could see the skin grafts on my left collarbone, my left bicep and my left wrist. The skin color didn't match perfectly and you could still see the fish scales from the fish skin they had used, but it didn't make me fall into a pit of blackness, it made me feel love.

Christian had looked after me in the hospital, he had stayed by my side, he had loved me. Yes, Jacklyn may have caused the accident and the scars, but I wasn't looking at it that way, I couldn't. I wouldn't be burdened again. These scars showed me Christian's love and nothing else. They were a reminder of him and how I could finally let go and put my trust in him. I knew he would never betray me.

I decided against wearing a bra. What was the point anymore? I wanted Christian to see my breasts freely, to feel them. He was the only one who had touched me there, and even though it was still new and raw, I was getting better at letting go and enjoying it.

My boy had waited long enough, so after bringing up the camera feeds on my phone to make sure Taylor and Gail weren't lurking in the apartment, I went upstairs to the playroom. I took a deep breath, centering myself, and then I opened the door.

Christian had started slouching, but he straightened himself out the moment I entered. I smiled, I couldn't help it. His head was down again, which was fine, I preferred we start off that way, but I wanted him to look at me, for him to watch me, which was another new thing for me. The others, when they looked at me, it always made me feel uncomfortable, but all Christian ever looked at me with was love and desire. I stepped further into the room and stood in front of him.

"You may look at me," I said.

Christian slowly lifted his gaze. I was met with his usual love and desire. His mouth fell open and I swore he was moments away from drooling. This would usually be the moment I told him to look down, but not anymore.

"Stand up," I commanded.

He did so, gracefully. He never acted too eager, like some of my subs had, and I loved him for it. I kept my distance.

"This is a reward," I told him, "for doing your homework. Tell me what you want, Christian, and remember the rules. Rewards are yours, don't give the power back to me. Be honest and you will get exactly what you ask for."

He faltered for a second, dropping his eyes. "I have chosen the items I want you to use, Sir."

I smiled, I loved this. All of my other subs had called me mistress, people at work called me ma'am, only Christian called me Sir and it made my heart race. I looked over at the bed. Christian had chosen tape, which he had once been fearful of, his belt, another soft limit for him, and a small dildo the size of a finger. What was he planning?

"Very well," I accepted, "and what do you want me to do with these?"

"Secure me with the tape," he said, "however you wish. Work me into a frenzy with the belt. Use the dildo on my ass."

He had told me before that he had done a little bit of anal play on his own, but I had to check this was okay.

"Tell me why you want to use the dildo," I asked him. "Speak freely."

"I always enjoyed it," Christian all but panted, "and I want to try it with you. There's only so much we can do and I want to try it all."

So, he was pushing himself. I noted that he was doing it for himself though and not for me which was good. I had pushed myself for him too many times and it never worked out. I think after the day he had today he needed to let go and try some new things, put his control in me. I would go with his plan, but I would take it easy on him.

"Remember your safe words," I told him.

"Yes, sir."

"Did you choose where you wanted to do all of this?" I asked. I had my own ideas, but this was Christian's reward.

"The bed," he answered.

I smiled. That was smart. Everything today would be new and harsh for him, but the bed would be familiar and soft.

"Kneel by the door again," I told him and he jumped to it. So submissive. I had once told him to go against me, but I truly believed he couldn't do it, he loved following me too much.

I picked up the items and sat them by the bed, trying to work out exactly how I wanted to use them.

"Do you mind if I change the dildo for a different toy?" I asked and I saw him tense up. "Put your trust in me, Christian, I would never hurt you."

He relaxed, I loved how easy to read he was.

"Okay," he said, his voice shaky, "Sir," he added as an afterthought.

"Drop your head," I told him, somewhat for almost forgetting the 'Sir' and because I didn't want him figuring out my plan.

I took the dildo and walked over to my toys. There were so many I wanted to use on him. All of these were bought with a female sub in mind, but all my subs consented to anal play, so I knew what to do. I had even participated in it under Elena's command. I chose a toy that was slightly thicker, it was essentially anal beads in dildo form. The non-beaded parts would allow Christian a chance to catch his breath. I grabbed some lubricant too. I set the new toy and lube in the drawer, not wanting him to see it and freak out.

"Stand," I told him, "look wherever you want."

Now, where to begin. I knew he liked to hear my plan, but I wanted to push that a little today. I would give him the basics, but no more. One of my favorite things was surprising my subs. I loved seeing their mouth's make the perfect 'o' shape in shock. I was good at what I did and I wanted to show that to Christian.

"Take your underwear off."

He slid them off, freeing himself. I watched his cock bob, my god it was beautiful. I liked that he didn't have a monstrous one, it looked like the perfect size and not intimidating at all.

"Interlock your fingers together, keep your hands flat."

He did that and I stepped over to him. "Where your fingers meet, sit your cock on top." So obedient. "Bring your hands together, so you're holding it, keep your grip lose. Yes, good, thumbs cross over the top. Perfect, don't move."

I grabbed the tape and Christian tensed. I was going to tell him to put his trust in me, but I decided to just show him instead. I pulled a length of tape off and stuck it back onto itself to cover the sticky part, just leaving the end sticky. Then I wrapped it around one of his wrists, looped it over his hands and attached the sticky end to the tape, not his hands. Some tapes worked better on skin than others, but the tape I had gotten from Clayton's left a sting, so this way it wouldn't directly stick to him.

Christian relaxed when he saw the measures I had taken to prevent hurting him. It was a long task, but worth it, and soon his hands were firmly secured around his cock. I knelt down and checked it wasn't too tight. I moved his hands and they moved perfectly. His cock head was sticking out and there was enough room for everything to breathe. It was good.

My eyes met his and they were so dark. He was so ready and willing. I picked up his belt next.

"Are you attached to this at all?" I asked him.

"No, Sir."

Good. I stepped behind him and grabbed a pair of scissors, cutting the leather. I knew I would be careful, but I didn't want to accidentally hit him with the buckle. When it was free, I sat the buckle down, far away from him and came back to stand in front of him.

"How are you doing?" I asked him. "Do you still feel steady on your feet?"

"Yes, Sir."

Perfect.

"Back up against the bed," I told him, "but stay standing. I don't want you to sit down or fall back, stay upright. If you feel yourself struggling, say yellow."

I showed him the belt and what I had done to it. He relaxed again. _That's right, baby, I know you, and just like you respect my boundaries, I respect yours._ I would never punish him again. It was hard because that was part of the BDSM relationships I knew, but I think I could get around it by doing other punishments such as denying him an orgasm. The good thing was, he hardly ever needed to be punished.

I cracked the belt against my forearm first. I liked to gauge how it felt and how much pressure I could use before subjecting my subs to something. The bite stung, but then the numbness faded and brought forth pleasure. I wanted to tell him to close his eyes, but that may be too intense for him after today, so I just cracked the leather on his right nipple before doing the same to the left. It tinted his skin pink and he groaned, thrusting his hands and cock forward.

This was good. I kept my blows light, not wanting to hurt him, and whipped him all over his chest. He was doing well. I did his upper legs next. I was almost done and it was a good thing as Christian had his eyes screwed tightly shut. His mouth was open, he was panting, and the head of his cock was so swollen. Oh, how I wanted to swallow it, but not yet.

I set the belt down and Christina took a deep breath before opening his eyes.

"Sit on the bed." He did and I help move him so that he was laying flat on his back. I put my hand under him and lifted his hips so I could put a pillow underneath him. He settled back down and something didn't seem right. I waited a moment, staring at him. He was uncomfortable, I could tell that much and I was hoping he would speak up. He couldn't stay silent, we couldn't go backwards.

"Sir," he said and my heart soared, "can you untie my arms?"

"Why?" I asked.

"It's hurting my shoulders."

I wasn't sure if his reason was the complete truth or not, but it didn't matter. I helped him to slid his hand free of his cock and then I grabbed the scissors, cutting the tape apart. His arms fell out to the side and he just left them there. Okay, good, we were ready to continue. I leaned over him, letting my breasts brush his chest as I grabbed the items I needed out of the drawer. I kept them hidden from him.

"Remember your safe words," I told him as I spread his legs apart and dribbled lube down his crack and onto my fingers.

I started really slow and Christian seemed to be enjoying the attention. He wasn't resisting which was a good sign. I easily slid one finger in and pumped it in and out. Christian was grunting and moving his hips. I added a second finger. He closed his eyes and began panting. All good signs. I didn't stop pumping him as I dribbled lube onto the toy. My plan was to do the switch quickly.

I pulled my fingers out and before his hole could close up, I pushed the first anal bead inside of him. He grunted, but he seemed fine. I left it, wanting him to get comfortable with it. When he started shifting again, I moved it around a little. I didn't want to pull it out. When he was ready, I pushed the next bead in. He groaned and when there was no negative reaction, I pushed the next one in. There were only two more to go. On the fourth bead he groaned deeply and his cock jumped.

"Steady," I told him, "we're almost there."

I pushed the final bead in and then I leaned forward, bringing his dripping, hard-as-nails cock into my mouth, sucking deeply. His hips shot up. I started moving the toy in and out of his ass. It wouldn't take him long. I pulled off his cock just long enough to tell him to cum when ready. I felt him hit the back of my throat and I pushed down further. I loved sucking him and I couldn't wait for him to cum so I could swallow it all.

Less than a minute later he came. I kept pumping the toy slowly with my face buried against him. His cock twitched in my mouth and I swallowed it all. One final spurt. I pulled the toy from him which made him spasm again. I slowly pulled off him, licking him all over, and sat above him. He had his eyes closed and I waited for him to open them.

"Fuck," he hissed when his eyes met mine, "that was incredible."

I smiled and moved in between his legs, holding his thighs apart. "Good," I said, "maybe one day I can fuck you." I pushed my hips against him. I did miss fucking my subs, the power, the control, and with Christian there would be love and care too.

"Yes, please," he said.

"Not tonight, my greedy boy. I have an early meeting tomorrow morning."

He pouted, I don't think he even realized when he was doing it, but it made me want to give him the world. I stepped away, it was late, and we needed to get to bed. I got rid of the tape off Christian's hands and then I rubbed him down, paying extra attention to his shoulders, but he seemed fine. He was being quiet, but I think he was just tired. I took him to bed and he collapsed on it. I joined him.

"Aren't you going to cover up?" he asked me, already half asleep.

I still only had panties on. "No," I told him, "I trust you." I had held him last night, but I knew he wanted to hold me. "Hold me, Christian," I said and he did. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I sighed in contentment. "Don't forget," I told him, "I have an early meeting tomorrow, so I'll be gone when you wake up. When you get to work at nine, come to my office first." He didn't answer. "Christian, did you hear me?"

"Mmm, yes, your office, nine am."

I smiled and pulled his arms tighter around me. Ever since our first night together at the Heathman, when we had shared a bed and I had ended up in his arms, this had always felt right and I no longer fought it. I had come so far, but I still had a way to go, we both did.

It was a peaceful sleep again. Christian calmed the bad thoughts in my head, he made me feel safe. When he was gone though, especially during our break, the nightmares crept back in, but as I continued to push myself to let go of the past, they were lessening. I knew I would have to deal with the trauma from my early years, but I wasn't going to force myself. I just wanted to focus on me and Christian.

It was so hard to leave him when my alarm went off at six. I wriggled out of his arms and kissed him on the lips before getting ready. I was excited for my meeting with Ros. I really hoped she didn't think Christian as my COO was a terrible idea. I had a shower and got dressed for the day. I kissed Christian again, I really didn't want to leave him.

Gail already had my coffee and omelet waiting for me. I ate it, resisting the urge to check on Christian again. Sawyer would be here to drive him to work, he would be fine. Taylor drove me and I warned myself not to get my hopes up, but even if Ros thought it was a terrible idea, I didn't have to listen to her, and then Christian still had to agree. I pulled out his list. All of the things he wanted for me, I wanted for him too.

Above all else, I wanted him to be happy.

Andrea was already behind the front desk, she really was the best.

"Good morning, Miss Steele," she said.

"Andrea," I greeted, "schedule a meeting between you and me to discuss giving you a raise. Today preferably."

Her eyes went wide. "Yes, Miss Steele, thank you," she stuttered before catching herself. "Mrs. Bailey is in your office."

I'd have to look over how much I was paying her currently. I sent her a message as I stepped into my office.

 **Anastasia Steele:** Forward me all of your pay slips

 **Andrea Russell:** Yes, Miss Steele

I wanted to see if I had given her a raise before and how much she was currently getting. Whatever it was, I was going to double it.

Ros was sitting at my desk and I wondered whether we should be sitting in the less formal seating area. I decided to stick with the desk, I wanted her to agree more than anything. I sat down. I needed to get something out of the way first.

"Thank you, Ros," I told her, "for pulling me from Charlie Tango."

"It was nothing," she said, "I just did as you said. I wish I had been faster though."

"Forget about it," I told her. "I know you won't be able to understand, but the scars I received, they've been the best thing to happen to me."

She was going to speak up, but I didn't let her.

"Are you happy here?" I asked her.

"Yes."

"And you're happy with your position?"

"Yes." She sounded worried. "What's going on, Anastasia? You're not firing me, are you?"

"No." This was it. "I was thinking of hiring a Chief Operations Officer. What do you think about that?"

"Do you want me to do it?" she asked.

"No."

Relief washed over her. "What would they do exactly?" Ros asked.

"They would be in charge of the operations in this building," I told her, "you know, staff problems, efficiency, complaints, workplace safety… All the stuff that I either suck at or gets ignored. I want someone my staff can come to, I know I'm not the most approachable."

"I think it's a good idea," Ros said. "So, have you placed an ad yet? Why are you asking me?"

"I wanted to get your opinion," I said, "and we won't be advertising this position. I want to hire from in-house."

"Really? Who?"

I could tell she was trying to figure it out.

"Christian," I said and her mouth fell open.

"Anastasia, you know I respect you, but this… What the hell do you think you're doing?"

This wasn't going well.

"He's your boyfriend. Why are you doing this?"

"Because I think he'd be good at it."

"And that's the only reason?" Ros asked.

Shit, I was losing her. I needed backup. I picked up my phone.

"Andrea, can you come in here please?"

I hung up the phone and Andrea appeared. She looked confused and I motioned for her to sit next to Ros.

"So, what?" Ros said. "Just because I don't agree, we're getting your assistant to weigh in on this? If this is how you're going to be doing business now, I might just quit."

"Stop being dramatic, Ros. I know this will be a big change. Write me a list of things you want, ask for a raise, I don't care, just don't bitch at me. I asked Andrea in here because she was the one who hired him."

Andrea looked frightened. I shouldn't be doing this, but I needed someone who would be on my side and Andrea liked Christian, I had seen their daily greetings when he worked in IT, and she was the one who hired him behind my back.

"I want to hire a Chief Operations Officer," I told Andrea, "do you know what that is?"

"I do, and, Miss Steele, I don't want that position, I'm happy being your executive assistant."

Her honesty and refusal both annoyed and impressed me.

"Good," I snapped, "because the job isn't yours."

"Anastasia wants to hire Christian Grey as her COO," Ros said.

"Oh, wow, umm. Chris…" Andrea trailed off, thinking about it. "I think that's a wise choice. He's smart, he goes after what he wants, and people like him."

Exactly.

"What do you mean he goes after what he wants?" I asked her. When did Christian show drive and initiative? I hadn't seen the from him here, but Andrea had?

"When I interviewed him, Miss Steele," she said, not meeting me eyes, "I did the standard interview, followed all protocols, but before we started, he clearly stated his intentions to me."

"And what were they?" I asked.

"In Chris' words, he said, ' _I want this job so I can get Ana back_ '. I'm not sure if you've connected the dots, but he went to great lengths for this job, to get you back. He saw the ad, he applied, his cover letter was the best I'd ever read, and then he ditched Sawyer the day of the interview, a task we both know is not easy, and then, instead of lying to me, he just told the truth. I think Chris will be a good COO because he cares for Miss Steele and this is her company. He will do whatever it takes and everyone who's met him loves him."

"Thank you, Andrea," I dismissed her.

"I still think this is a mistake," Ros said, "he has no experience in such a role."

"I don't care."

"You're going to have to do announce this at a press conference," she said, "and the reporters aren't going to hold back. They will chew him up and spit him out."

"I know, but I think he can handle it."

"What has Chris said about all of this?" Ros asked.

"I haven't told him yet, I wanted to get your opinion first."

Ros laughed. "I would say thank you, but then you basically went over my head anyway. We both know you're going to do what you want, Anastasia, but please be careful with this. I haven't met him yet, but I've heard good things and he's brought about a welcomed change in you, which we all thought was impossible, so I think you're right, he will be good for this company. I will stay, but if we start taking on water, don't be surprised if I jump ship."

"And if the opposite happens?" I asked her.

"Then I will be here and I will swallow my pride and admit that I was wrong."

That was good enough for me. I couldn't wait for Christian to get here so I could ask him to be my COO. I hoped he said yes.


	39. Asking Christian

**Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 19**

I groaned, trying to shift closer to Anastasia, but her side of the bed was cold. I cracked open an eye, she wasn't here. Did she get up already? As my mind cleared, I remembered her words from last night. She had an early meeting this morning and she wanted me to meet her in her office at nine. I groaned again, couldn't I just stay here forever, with Anastasia too.

"Chris?" Sawyer said, knocking on the bedroom door, "you need to get up if you're to make it to your meeting with Miss Steele at nine."

I sat up, rubbing my eyes.

"I'm up, thanks, Sawyer."

I checked the time, it was eight-thirty. I had enough time for a quick shower. I got dressed quickly, not really caring, but right as I was about to head out, I noticed something. It was my missing jacket from the Heathman. I checked it over, it was definitely it, and it hadn't been there before. Had Anastasia given it back? Why? I knew she had kept it. I couldn't focus on that now, maybe I could ask her about it later. I grabbed breakfast to-go and Sawyer drove me to work. I definitely preferred going with Anastasia, but I'd see her soon enough.

Sawyer dropped me out the front with strict instructions to head to the twentieth floor and nowhere else. It was rare I was left alone nowadays, but until Jacklyn was caught, it was the safest thing. As I rode the elevator, I realized I hadn't thought about what I wanted to do today. Anastasia had warned me that I would have to do actual work today. If only watching her work was work. Maybe I'd just head to IT, back to the familiarity.

Anastasia's door was shut, but Andrea greeted me and told me that I could enter. Anastasia was on the phone, so I sat down in front of her. She smiled at me, I returned it and waited for her to be done. I could tell she cut the meeting short.

"Christian," she said, "are you ready for a full day of work?"

I groaned, I couldn't help it, and it made Anastasia frown.

"You don't have to work for me," she said, "I would understand. Tell me right now if that's something you want."

Did I want that? No, I just wanted to do an easy job that was rewarding and not complicated, and if I was to work anywhere, I'd rather it be here.

"No," I said, "I like working for you."

"Good," she smiled, "I have a proposition for you. Now, know that you can say no, this is just an idea, but I'm all for it."

What was going on? I sat up straighter. Anastasia's personal sex slave? If only, though I guess I already was that.

"I want you to be my Chief Operations Officer," she said.

Fuck, that sounded hard.

"What's that?" I asked.

"You would be in charge of everyone on this floor, all the departments, making sure they run efficiently and stay on task, you would be someone they could come to with their issues."

That still sounded hard.

"Why me?" I asked.

"Because I trust you," Anastasia said, "and people like you. No one comes to me, they're scared of me, and we can't have that. I don't visit the departments, I hold meetings in my office. I don't like doing any of it either, so, if you accept, you would be saving me too. I really think it would be something you're good at, challenging enough for you, but also easy. Plus, you would be working closer with me."

"Do you have a position description?" I asked.

She handed me a piece of paper and I went through all the responsibilities one-by-one. There was a lot, but I focused on one at a time, deciding whether or not I would be able to do each task. It didn't seem that hard, but was she expecting me to do all of this straightaway.

"When would you want me to start?" I asked.

"Whenever you want."

Right.

"And if I say no?"

"Christian, this is your life. If you don't want to do it, then don't do it." Her voice was sharp. Shit.

I sat in silence for a moment, reading the position description again. It didn't seem too hard and some of it even seemed exciting.

"Do I get an assistant?" I asked.

"If you want."

Sweet.

"A male assistant," Anastasia clarified.

Fuck that.

"An assistant I get to choose," I countered. "Male or female." Anastasia faltered. "Ana, I'm not going to fuck around with them. You're it for me."

Something washed over her and her mood shifted.

"Okay," she said, "whoever you want, male or female."

"Do I get my own office? If I'm the COO then surely that warrants a big office, right? One with the good view."

Anastasia paused. "If willing," she said, "I would like to share my office with you."

I leaned forward. Did I hear her wrong?

"How would that work?" I asked. How were either of us expected to get work done?

"Simple," she said, "I hold most of my meetings in the conference room. If I have a one-on-one meeting, I'm sure you can go work elsewhere for the short duration. As for conference calls and such, I don't care if you overhear, you just have to be quiet. If you need to hold a meeting, I would suggest going to the person, or I can give you a small office just for that. I really want you by my side, Christian. Surely we can try it and if it doesn't work then we reassess."

I did like the idea of being close to her and watching her work.

"I want this for you, Christian. I trust you. I think you'd do well in such a position, I think you'd help Steele International thrive. Now, it's up to you, what do you think? I understand if you need time to think about it. I already talked to Ros and she's on board. So…" she prompted me.

"I would like to try," I said and she smiled widely, "but not right now." Her smile faltered slightly. "What I want to do is this, I want a chance to meet all the departments, like I did with IT, so I can get to know how they work and who works in them. It would be like Undercover Boss. If I go in there as the COO, no one's going to trust me, but if I go in there first as Chris Grey, Miss Steele's boyfriend, who doesn't know what he wants to do, then I'll be able to get on their level. Then, once that's done, I will become the COO on a trial basis. Both of us will get a say as to whether or not I keep it permanently."

Anastasia thought about it. "Okay," she said, "if that's what it takes. You've already shown how perfect you are for this position. So, what's your plan for today then?" she asked.

"I guess I'll go to IT first, look at it through new eyes, COO eyes, explain to them that I'm seeing where I want to work within this company, get them to spread it around. I might go to maintenance too, see how much time I have left. I'd also like to visit Ros, meet her and see if she's really okay with all of this."

"I think that's a good idea," she said. "My door is always open for you, so come and see me whenever you want during the day."

Her phone rang, so I left her office. When I got into the lobby, Andrea was looking at me, did she know? I didn't stop, I just went straight to IT and sat down at my old desk. Fuck, Anastasia's COO. Shit, fuck, damn. I wasn't qualified, I didn't earn it. Did I only get this because I was sleeping with Anastasia? I knew that wasn't true, plus, we barely slept together as it was.

"What's up with you?" Juliana asked.

"Yeah," Kerri said, "you're finally back. Did it take you all afternoon to fix that connectivity issue?"

Fuck. I jumped up and ran to the server room. The lamp was still on and I quickly found the number on the network cable I was after, it wasn't pushed it properly. I pushed it in and headed back to the whiny lady. She was still whiny and I realized that with my new job I would have to deal with her and listen to her. I would have to listen to everyone. Shit, could I really do this?

I had fixed her issue, so I handed her my iPad to sign off on the job.

"I'm not signing that," she said, "you left my office yesterday afternoon and never came back."

"I'm sorry," I said, "but I got called to Miss Steele's office, and here I am, fixing it first thing in the morning. Just sign."

"No, I'm lodging a complaint," she said.

"And who do those complaints go to?" I asked.

Her face fell and my suspicions were confirmed. They must go to Anastasia. I couldn't imagine her dealing with stupid complaints such as this one, I guess that was another reason for her to hire a COO. Complaints would soon be my thing, oh the joy.

"You know," she said, "this isn't fair. You're sleeping with Miss Steele, so there's no way you'll get reprimanded for this. I bet you were fucking her in her office yesterday while I had no internet connection."

Was this bitch serious right now?

"Do you want to keep this job?" I asked her.

"You have no power here," she said, "go tattle to your girlfriend, have her fire me, see if I care. I will sue her for wrongful dismissal."

I needed to get out of here before I said anything I would regret.

"Are you going to sign?" I asked, one final time.

"No."

Fine. I grabbed the iPad and left her office. I couldn't believe what just happened, the set of balls on her, maybe she wanted to get fired. Shit. If I was the COO I could've given her a warning or some shit, and it would've felt so good. I sent Anastasia a message.

 **Christian:** Will I be able to fire people?

 **Anastasia:** No, you will give me the name and the reason and I'll do it

I was about to argue, but then I remembered her saying that she loved firing people.

 **Anastasia:** Why?

 **Christian:** No reason

I got back to IT and sat down. "What do you do if they don't sign off on the job?" I asked the girls.

"Forge it," Juliana said.

My new outlook, that of COO, had me sitting up straighter.

"Isn't that wrong?" I asked.

"Not really," Kerri said, "sometimes they're too busy, so it's just easier to do it ourselves. No one ever checks it and it's not like anyone cares."

Would this be a problem I would need to correct or was it harmless? Shit, I wished I knew.

"Why wouldn't they sign anyway?" Bianca asked.

"Apparently, I took too long," I said, "apparently, I spent yesterday afternoon fucking Miss Steele."

"You mean you weren't fucking her?" Juliana asked and I glared at her.

"Who was it?" Kerri asked.

"Umm," I looked at the iPad, "Rachel Wilson."

"Ha," Juliana laughed, "she is such a bitch. Just forge it and forget it, Chris."

I decided I may as well, it was their policy and it's not like Anastasia would fire me for it.

"So, if you weren't fucking Miss Steele yesterday afternoon," Juliana said, "what were you doing?"

"Sleeping on the couch in her office."

"Man," Kerri said, "talk about the life. I wish I got paid to sleep."

"It wasn't like that," I said.

"So, she didn't pay you?" Kerri said.

"Were you tired because she kept you up all night?" Juliana added to the insanity.

"Can I just state right now that Miss Steele's and my personal life is off limits."

That shut them up.

"I have a question," I said, "about you three. What are your dreams and aspirations? Where do you see yourself in a year's time? Five years' time?"

"What is this?" Juliana said. "A fucking job interview?"

"Just answer the question," I said.

"I think I'll be here," Kerri said, "I like working in IT and for this company. As for five years, maybe doing Carmen's job, running the IT department."

"Fuck that," Juliana said, "IT is only temporary for me. I'm saving up as much money as I can and I'm getting out. I want to travel."

This was all very useful information. I wondered if I could get this information out of all of Anastasia's employees before they figured out I was the COO.

"And you, Bianca?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," she said, "I like IT and working here, but sometimes I think maybe I could do something else. I'm not sure what, something higher up maybe, more important. It's probably a stupid idea."

No, it wasn't.

"Would you ever become an assistant?" I asked, the wheels turning in my head.

"For Miss Steele? No, umm, probably not, she scares me. I don't want to be yelled at."

Could I tell them? I trusted them and I valued their opinion.

"Can you keep a secret?" I asked them.

"Nope," Kerri said.

"Can you try?" I asked. "Or you can leave the room."

She thought about it. "Okay, I'll try."

"What I'm about to say is confidential," I said, "no one knows, but I want your take on it."

They all turned their chairs towards me. This was it.

"Miss Steele wants to make me her Chief Operations Officer," I said, and saying it made it feel more real.

"Shit," Juliana said, "that is major, Chris."

"I know."

"Congratulations," Kerri said, "so when Carmen leaves, you'll give me her job, right?"

"Sure," I said, "if you're the right candidate for the job."

"Ass," she said.

"Are you going to take it?" Bianca asked.

"Well, I kind of already agreed, on a trial basis and start date pending. Do you think I'd be good at it? Do you think I slept my way to the top?"

"No," Juliana said, "Miss Steele isn't that stupid. If she's hiring you, it's because she believes in you. People are going to think it though, Chris, there's no way around it."

"I think you'd be good at it," Bianca said.

"Same," Kerri agreed.

"And you'll support me?" I asked. "Tell everyone I'm not a dick?"

"Maybe," Juliana said.

"Would you be my assistant?" I asked Bianca. "Miss Steele said I could choose whoever I wanted."

"Wow, Chris," she said, "umm, yeah, if you think I can do it."

"Damn," Kerri said, "we'll be down to two IT employees with that loss. Chris, you better not hire someone stupid."

"Shit," I said, "that will be my job too. Fuck. This is a terrible idea."

"You'll be fine," Juliana said, "and when I'm ready to leave I want to be fired so I can get a good severance package."

"Start a list," I told her, knowing she would have more things to ask for.

"Why aren't you starting yet?" Kerri asked.

"I want to pull an Undercover Boss," I told them, "infiltrate all of the departments, like I did here."

"You infiltrated us, Chris?" Juliana asked in mock hurt.

"You're right," I said, "I should've started straightway, so I could start reprimanding people."

"You wouldn't dare," Juliana said.

"Just you wait," I told her. "All I want is to get to know everyone, not as their boss, just as Miss Steele's boyfriend, which will be hard enough to shake anyway. So, please, no talk of me being the new COO or anything like that."

"You can count on us, Chris," Kerri said.

"What about you, Bianca?" I asked. "Please tell me that you'll be my assistant?"

"Okay, Chris, thank you," she said. "Wait, do I need to call you Mr. Grey?"

"Please don't."

Bianca laughed.

"So, what's the plan now, Boss?" Juliana asked.

"I don't know. Miss Steele wants me to actually get some work done today, and I probably don't need to infiltrate IT, I just like it here. What department should I check out first? Wait, who's the Chief Financial Officer?"

"Miss Steele," Kerri answered.

Right, that made sense, Anastasia was a control freak.

"Maybe I should go see Ros Bailey first," I said, "have you met her before? What's she like? What do I need to know?"

None of them had met her.

"Carmen probably has," Kerri said.

"Or your friends on the nineteenth floor," Juliana said.

Right, right. Maybe I should just wing it and see Anastasia afterwards as a reward. Yes, that sounded good.

I went straight to Andrea, having no idea where Ros' office was or even if she was free at the moment.

"Hey, Chris," Andrea said, "how are things going?"

Did she know?

"Good," I said. "Where's Mrs. Bailey's office and is she free?"

"Let me check." Andrea tapped away on the computer. "She's free, but let me just check first." She picked up the phone and gave her a call. "Sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Bailey, but I have Christian Grey here, he wants to see you. …Right. …I don't know. …Okay. …I will." She hung up the phone. "Okay," Andrea stood up, "let's go."

I followed Andrea and I was surprised to find Ros' office on the same side of the building as IT, but it was completely blocked off from everything else.

"Does Ros have an assistant?" I asked.

"No," Andrea said, "sometimes she'll use one of us, but mainly she does everything herself."

She was very self-sufficient, I had a feeling this would be tough test.

Andrea knocked on the door before leaving me alone.

"Come in," Ros said.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. I was so thankful I had worn a tie today. I stepped up to her desk, she didn't stand to greet me. I stuck out my hand, she didn't shake it. Her office was way smaller than Anastasia's, but that had to be by choice. I stood there awkwardly until she told me I could sit.

"Mrs. Bailey," I said, even though I wanted to call her Ros. "I'm Christian Grey, Anastasia's boyfriend." I figured I may as well be truthful and she seemed surprised by this.

"What?" Ros said. "You're not going to introduce yourself as the COO of Steele International just yet? Did you deny Anastasia?"

"I think we both know denying her is impossible," I said, pushing my glasses up higher on my nose, "what Ana wants, Ana finds a way to get it. That's one of the reasons I'm here. I wanted to ask your opinion about me becoming the COO. I don't want to take anything from you and I can't exactly trust Ana when she says you're fine with it all. I need to get the information from the source."

"I've already aired my concerns with her," Ros said.

"Would you like to share them with me?" I asked. "I can't improve on them if I don't know them."

"Okay," Ros said, "you're not qualified, that's number one. Two, the media and our competition are going to chew you up and spit you out. People will try and use you against Anastasia, and vice versa. She's mixing business with pleasure. I'm not sure of her true intentions, but I don't know if I agree with them. This isn't a job you can phone in, you need to be present and actually care, you have to work hard. Can you do that, Chris?"

"Honestly," I said, "I don't know. Ana gave me a position description and I'm fairly certain I can tackle everything that's expected, but thinking one thing and doing it is completely different. I know I'm not trained for this, I went to college and majored in English Lit. I know people are going to talk, but they already do. I know I don't deserve this, but I don't deserve Ana either. Bottom line, if she believes in me and she thinks I can help her company, then I'm going to give it a try."

"And if it doesn't work out?" Ros asked.

"Well, I'm not starting yet and there will be a trial period where both Ana and I can pull the pin, I'm sure we can add you to that list too if you want, but bottom line, I love Ana, so if I can't handle this job, if I fuck things up, then I won't need to be pushed out, I'll want out. A big part of Ana's life is this business she has built and I won't jeopardize that."

Ros was silent for a while. I waited.

"You know," Ros said, "I started here not long after the company was formed. Everyone called me crazy, backing a twenty-one-year-old who didn't even graduate college, but there was just something about her. She lacked compassion, frankly, and that's what set her apart. That and she's a workaholic. In the six years I've been working with her she's made very few mistakes and although I think this might be a mistake, I'm willing to see it through."

That was good enough for me. "Thank you, Mrs. Bailey."

"You're good for Anastasia," she said, "so I can only hope you'll be good for Steele International too."

This was a good sign.

"I was serious," I told her, "about giving you a say in whether or not I stay COO. If you want me out, I will get out. Don't worry about, Ana, I can handle her, but I really feel like I can do this."

"I'm sure you'll be fine, Chris," Ros said, "Andrea was right about you, you're likable and that will help. If you ever need anything, you can come to me."

"Thank you, Ros." Shit, I was supposed to stay professional.

Ros just smiled and nodded her head.

"I look forward to working with you, Chris," she said, "now get out so I can get some work done."

I left quickly, not wanting to push my luck. I went straight to Anastasia's office, but Andrea informed me that she was out of the office on some important business deal, I decided to wait inside. Her office was huge and I wondered what it would be like working with her. I assumed I'd get my own desk. I started planning where I'd put it, near the window preferably, but I didn't want to block Anastasia's view, unless I was the view. Maybe I could face her desk, I wouldn't mind looking at her. So many options.

I was still trying to figure it out when Anastasia came back. I was currently sitting on the floor.

"What are you doing?" she asked me.

"Just planning where I want my desk," I told her, standing up, "do you think I can get one just like yours?"

She smiled. "I'm sure I can get them to handcraft another one. So, you're still feeling good about this?"

"Yeah, I talked to my friends in IT and Ros. I'm willing to give it a good crack and bow out if necessary."

"What did Ros say to you?" Anastasia asked.

"She voiced her concerns, but in the end, she seemed to be on board. She even said that if I ever needed anything I could come to her."

"Are you sure it was Ros?" Anastasia asked. "Because that doesn't sound like her. ...She requested a maintenance closet as her office, so that she would be far away from everyone else, and so that no one would stay in her office for long. I don't know how she stands it, it's so tiny."

"Yep, that sounds like her office," I said, "so it must've been her. I've picked my assistant too."

"Wow," Anastasia said, "you're moving fast."

"Of course," I said, "why would I want to spend more time away from you?"

"Who is it?"

"Bianca from IT. She's nice and she kind of reminds me of Andrea; smart, driven, shy, discreet. I think she'll be perfect for the job."

"I would like to meet her," Anastasia said.

"What happened to me being able to choose whoever I wanted?"

"I still want to meet her, Christian."

"Fine," I said, "but it will be a short meeting and I must be present. I don't want you scaring her off."

"When are you moving in to my office?" Anastasia asked. "When can I tell the world about my new COO?"

"Well, I still need to visit all the departments and do all of that."

"How long is that going to take?" she asked.

"How long will my desk take to handcraft?" I countered.

"I don't remember," Anastasia said, "weeks, at least."

"Tell you what, once my desk is done, I'll start as your COO."

"Christian," Anastasia said, "I have money, I can speed things up."

I laughed. "You can try, but I'm pretty sure one person probably handcrafted that desk and they won't work faster or hire another person just to speed things up. It's a craft, it will take as long as it takes. Don't rush it, Ana, we have the rest of our lives together."

"Yes," she said, "the rest of our lives."


End file.
